Now you can get your very own cuddly case ofHerpes Simplex Virus2. This venereal virus measures 7 inches tall and weighs 3 ounces.Comes complete with a handy leaflet that has all kinds of fun facts about your Giant Microbe® menace. Makes theperfect giftfor parents, educators and any friend who just received great news from the free clinic.
I AM NOT OLD. Oh sure I’m 41. So yes, to my 23 yr. old co-workers I’m 9 years away from ancient (Whew!) Though honestly I feel like I can relate to them on almost every level. Their music doesn’t suck. And yes, I’ve been known to partake in a CW show (or two) and JS on Mtv. I can even hold my own at Beer Pong. My only difference is how I prefer to take my comedy albums. First of all, the fact that I refer to them as comedy albums ages me. Kids today and their youtube College Humor clips. To me, no ifs ands or buts, vinyl is the only way to go with stand-up comedy. It’s hard to explain, especially since I cringe when I hear a song that’s anything less than digitally mastered. Maybe it’s just my way of turning back the clock. Sorta like really, really old people liking B&W shows or Lawrence Welk. I guess it just takes me back to the days of sneaking in the shag-infused den with my friends to use my dad’s turntable. We’d flip on the record, carefully place the needle, sit back and listen while sipping a bottle of whatever from the liquor cabinet. Here's one of my many top vinyl memories...
RICHARD PRYOR (LIVE ON THE SUNSET STRIP): Believe it or not this one is a tad before my time. Still if you ever find it buy it. Standard on all albums is his hilarious take on white people. This one he also includes a bit about his sexually active exotic pets and…I’ll just leave it at that.
For you non-NYers the 6 train is on the eastside. Still probably doesn't mean much. Anyhow, I sadly didn’t notice the issue when I sat down. However, I did smell it. The problem was I couldn't see what it was. I just saw shocked subway riders' faces. It wasn’t ‘til I stood up for my stop I discovered the culprit. Someone had left a doo doo package on the floor. Like I said, I was only semi-freaked out. What would you have been?
BTW…sorry I didn’t get to read your blogs yesterday. I was away on biz.
Relive one of the more precious moments from the dot gone era with Socks, the official puppet / mascot of the now defunct Pets.com. Plush toy measures 12 inches tall. Though Socks has been handled it still remains in mint condition with no visible flaws.Click here to buy now @ ebay.
It was1988. A year before maverick director Dorian Walker and hot producer BobManningwould release the highly anticipatedTeen Witch. A film that stars Robyn Elaine Lively as a teen nerd who suddenly discovers she’s a powerful witch. Originally Walker and Manning planned for just a simple jazzy film score to accompany this indie dramedy. Though after reviewing the first cut, the creative team realized a contemporary dance music number would be integral in helping complete a pivotal scene. In a pinch they turned to composer/lyricist extraordinaire Larry Weir. And with the help of a well-choreographed Amanda Ingber they created one of the most Cringeworthy Moments in cinematic history –“TOP THAT!”
What’s so special about this item? This is one of the only Stormtrooper crotch cups made for the movie, but was never used. So it is still untrimmed. For those keeping score at home it was molded at Elstree Studios. Not sure how much it’s worth, but the owner Gus Lopez lent it out for the Star Wars Magic of Myth 2002 exhibit in Sydney, Australia.
PBR might not be able to compete with those fancy schmancy Euro-Micro Brews. Then again, it won’t cost you $8 a cup. To date, I can walk into any bar and get Pabst for a buck. And we’re not talking during a “weeknight, no one’s in the bar” special. That’s pretty much still the going rate. Pabst is also still one of the last surviving private brewers that hasn’t been gobbled up by bigwigs MillerCoors or Anheuser-Busch. As far as the blue ribbon thing goes, that dates all the way back to 1882. Back then (as a symbol of quality) they used to tie a blue ribbon around every PBRbeer they sold. A practice that lasted until 1916.
Synopsis: A camcorder mysteriously falls from the sky right smack in the middle of a quaint Amish community. Miss Marion and her sisters are the first to discover this modern marvel. These naive, sheltered (yet bi-curious) women are convinced this is a true sign from God. But what is God trying to tell them? To seek out the answer they go on a journey filled with unbridled passion and shocking sister on sister lesbianism.
Credits: Directed by maverick creator Jerome Tanner.
Stars newcomers Melissa West (as Miss Marion), Adriana Sage, Jewel De’Nyle & Nina Ferrari.
Hey, just to let you know I’m off today. Took some needed recharge time. The wife and I went to _____ for the day/night. Not telling you “the where” because that’s the part you need to guess. All I’ll tell you is we ate in a place called Stacks last night for dinner.
They specialize in get this – pancake wraps. I had ham, sausage, egg, cheddar cheese wrapped in a fluffy pancake. Delish and worth a visit.
Anyhow, that’s the only hint you’re getting. So the first one to guess the city or state will be blog of the day and new blog of the day for the rest of the week. Ready … go.
Next to pet sympathy cards, I’d say Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah cards are one of the more difficult ones to fill out. Just to bring you up to speed, a Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah is a celebration of reaching adulthood. Not unlike being eligible to drive.
You need to be a certain age: 13
You need to take a test: Reading Torah portion in front of relatives & friends.
First off it’s usually customary to give money at these things. So buy one of those BM cards with a check holder in it. The card will probably have a Jewish star and a congratulations phrase on it like Mazel Tov (Good Luck). As far as a proper sign off goes, here are 8 “can’t miss” options with a smidge of appropriate humor.
Great job on your portion!!! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Congrats!!! You’re officially an adult. Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Looks like the practicing paid off!! Love Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Congrats on your special day!!! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Loved the candy cart!!!Congrats!! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Great job chanting! Mazel Tov! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
What? No Matzo? Congrats! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Totally nailed your portion!!! Mazel Tov! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Wait! Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of it. Thought your blogging unit was up on all of this “hip for the home” stuff. Toilegami is what it sounds like – origami of toilet paper. So what would possess one to utilize this craft? The only working theory I could come up with is – it's a cheap way to “one-up” annoying guests when having ‘em over for parties. You know, instead of spending needless bucks on fine linen napkins, candy looking soap, or funky smellin’ potpourri to spruce up your bathroom. All you need is a roll of 1 or 2 ply and you’re good to go. The foks atOrigami-resource-center.comhave 5 different shapes for you to choose from – Triangle, Diamond Fold, Pleated Tuck, Pleated Fold, and Flourish.
And as you can see below, the instructions are all on a “for dummies” level. Easy enough that even a Horror Blogger can follow (KIDDING!!!!)
FYI…only work with the toilet paper that hasn’t been used.
This yearly pre-Mardi Gras event,Fat Tuesday King Cake Eating Championship @ Showboat ACturned out to be a wild one. Though in the end it was Pat Bertoletti who woofed down 10.5 1/2 lb King Cakes in 8 minutes to win the $2,000 purse. Oh and for those at home keeping score, aking cakeis a cinnamon bun type cake with Mardi Gras-type frosting (and a baby Jesus shoved in the middle).
Growing up in a reformed Jewish household can be summed up with one phrase (of my own creation) – Convenient Kosher-ism. Meaning, we had all the good intentions of celebrating the Jewish holidays, it’s just that my family’s social calendar got in the way a bit. Though in our defense, Jew-days change from year to year. Oddly the one part of GOD’S WILL not set in stone. It’s all based on some ancient lunar/harvest calendar that truly means nothing to Lon Giland suburbia life. I’d say the only thing my parents made sure was a strong part of my Jewish heritage was the love for classic JEWSPLOITATION films. And no, not all of ‘em were comedies. And only 82% are Woody Allen or Mel Brooks joints. Enjoy. Mazel Tov!
The Ten Commandments – 3 hours of Yul and Chuck in loincloths.
Jazz Singer – Neil Diamond in his acting debut and finale.
Frisco Kid – Rabbi Gene Wilder teams up with cowboy Harrison Ford.
The Chosen – Quick, name another Robby Benson film.
Yentle – Babs as a boy.
History of The World – JEWWWWS IN SPAAAACCCCEEE!!!!
Bananas – Woody Allen with a fake beard.
Broadway Danny Rose – Woody Allen in B&W.
Annie Hall –
Woody Allen with a Shiksa.
Fiddler on The Roof – Michael Glazer (Starsky) does a decent job as Perchik.
Blazing Saddles – Not sure the Jews can totally claim this one.
The Producers – The original with Zero Mostel.
The In-Laws – Peter Falk as a fed. Alan Arkin as a dentist.
By now you regular people (aside from us nerds) know that a new spider-man film will be in theaters this summer. The spider-kid will be played by that actor dude from the Social Network. Sorry, too lazy to imdb it.
Anyhow, while walking in NYC I saw the spray painted spidey symbol wedged between two cars. I quickly put 1 and 1 together and realized I must’ve witnessed my first guerilla placed ad for the movie. Pretty neat. Right?
Fact is any halfway decent bottle ofMexican tequiladoes NOT contain a worm. That's pretty much an American gimmick used to boost sales.Tequilaworms are traditionally found in certain bottles of Mescal.
In 2003Billy Deewon a TV Land award for his guest appearance (as himself) on The Jeffersons. He also nabbed a second TV Land award (in 2006) for his legendary portrayal of Gale Sayers in the 1971 TV movie Brian Song.
I don’t know about you guys, but every time I see a dog make love to a couch leg it brings a smile to my face. I can only imagine the expression your child will have when they rush to their presents Christmas morning and unwrap a cuddly canine in the “let’s get it on” position. And with a little help from your favorite NY, Jewish, Christmas elf I can make that a reality for under 20 bucks.
SQUIRT THE HUMPING BULLDOG
Just attach Squirt to any leg, then squeeze his foot, and you’re off on a humping adventure. Costs only $15.99 @ 1ofakindstuff.com
Just out of morbid curiosity I caught a couple of civil reenactment videos on YouTube. The one thing the reenactments had in common (aside from lack of a boom mic), was they TRIED to be frightfully accurate. Now say you were going to recreate another important piece of history. For argument sake let's say the final scene in David Chase’s masterful opusThe Sopranos. You know the one where you were cursing your cable provider ‘cause the scene suddenly cut out. Anyway, here it gets a little easier thanks again to youtube (see below) and DVDs to figure out the general details. However, if you are aiming for that “frightfully accurate” realism here are some not so obvious facts to help…
The scene lasts 4 minutes and 32 seconds.
It takes place at Holsten’s in Bloomfield, NJ (it’s actually an ice-cream parlor so you’ll need to bring your own jukebox).
Once Tony selects his booth, he does a slight drum tap on the table (with both hands) before reaching his left hand to the jukebox to search songs.
Tony flips through 2 jukebox pages before landing on the Journey song.
Tony views the songs in following order before making his choice...