NOT WORTH MENTIONING!

CHRIST, I JUST HIT AN ANIMAL WITH MY CAR – SHOULD I SERVE IT FOR SUPER BOWL?

2012-01-31T00:02:00.001-05:00

Hey, if you’re a super chef you can make anything taste like chicken. Though honestly, we both know that’s not the real issue. You’re worried that the freshly dead roadkill you just acquired might be too fattening for family and fellow fans. Well fear not, I have the answer to your critter calorie question.

4 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT SATANISM

2012-01-30T00:02:00.002-05:00

1- Contrary to popular belief, Satanists are against ritualistic animal or human sacrifice.

2- The Church of Satan (the most popular devil worshipping organization) was founded in 1966 by Anton Szandor LaVey.

3- Anton even wrote the Satanic Bible in 1969.

4- The Church of Satan headquarters is located in New York.

HOT NEW "I've fallen and I can't get up!" LADY

2012-01-29T10:34:00.002-05:00

Just watching the Sunday tube and caught a glimpse of the new “I've fallen and I can't get up!” lady – or shall I say fox. She even falls pretty. Prrr for the camera. [Yes, I need help.]

EBAY ODDBALL FIND: THE FALL GUY LUNCH BOX

2012-01-28T09:48:00.000-05:00

Now you can bring Colt, Howie and Jody with you to school or work (if that’s the way you roll) everyday. This classic Fall Guy lunch box can be yours for only 70 bucks! This one includes the thermos.

RABBI AND GUINEA PIG

2012-01-27T00:02:00.002-05:00

NUTRITIONAL CONTENT OF EDIBLE PANTIES

2012-01-26T00:02:00.000-05:00

Doesn’t matter what flavor you try, most edible panties have basically the same nutrition values (see below). The USDA suggests that with a low caloric diet (high in fiber) and regular exercise you can enjoy one ladies pair per night.

Serving size: 1 pair (female)

Total Fat: 0g

Sodium: 0g

Total Carbohydrates: 25g

Dietary Fiber: 0g

Sugars: 20g

Protein: 0g

70s TOYS OR TORTURE?

2012-01-25T00:02:00.001-05:00

Technically some of these toys are from the early 80s. However, that doesn't make them any less torturous.

SIT ‘N SPIN – The object, twirl yourself around as fast you can. Sorta like your own personal Disney Teacup ride (except you had no operator limiting the speed). Made of sturdy plastic so it pretty much worked on any shag carpet. Doubled as a super safe, spinning sled in the blizzard of ’77.

BLIP – The ancestor to Pong. Wind it up and a red light shoots across the screen. To make the blip return to the other side, all you need to do is push the correct numbered button. Do it again and again, with no food pellet in sight. Made car trips a wee bit more fun than staring out the window at moving trees or bugs dying.

SIMON – 9 volt battery charged game of Simon Says, except with 4 colored lights and Close Encounters-type sounds. No bossy neighborhood kid needed. Not sure of the lasting effects of staring at blinking lights for hours on end.

KER-BANGERS – Remember that weapon David used to smite Goliath? Now imagine that as a toy, Ker-Bangers. Not sure how the manufacturers could guarantee “safe play” when you were swinging and smacking two Lucite balls inches from your nasal cavity. Though it is safe to say I lost my "nose bleed" virginity to this toy.

6 QUESTIONS FOR A SHOT GIRL

2012-01-24T00:02:00.002-05:00

So how do you make your money? Two ways, you can either work directly for a promotions company or literally buy the shots from the bartender and resell for a higher price (plus tips).

How much can you make? No matter which route you go you usually wind up making $100 - $400 a night. Assuming you have some sort of crowd.

How do you choose the outfits? If it’s a theme night you dress accordingly (Halloween, beach night, etc.) If you’re working for a promo company you usually have to dress in an outfit that features the liquor brand logo somewhere.

Why do most girls use the test tubes? Easier to hold, and you can fit more on a tray so you can make more cash per shot run.

How do you set the prices? Basically you're given suggestions, but at the end of the night it’s up to you. A slow night you'll probably have to lower prices. While if it’s a crowded night you could give group deals. Bachelor and bachelorette parties are usually good business.

Any advice for up and coming shot girls? Make sure your outfit has a couple pockets to keep lots of small bills for change. Be flirty, but not too aggressive.

AND ON THE GAZILLIONTH DAY GOD INVENTED …

2012-01-23T00:02:00.001-05:00

Nuts? Spam? Try both. Fresh-ish from Hamakua Plantations comes the second coming of snack food! Spam Flavored Macadamia Nuts. A gift set goes for only $7.50. SPAM-a-licious!

CROISSANT DAY IS JANUARY 30th.

2012-01-22T10:45:00.000-05:00

Croissants were created in 1683 in Vienna, Austria. It had something to do with a battle against the Turkish empire. Blah, blah, blah, the end result was the bakers celebrated the victory by making a pastry in the shape of the crescent moon symbol found on the Turkish flag. In the 1920s croissants were all the rage in France. And now we have a day where we pay tribute to these flakey favorite. Cool?

NOT ALL THERE: AGE 5

2012-01-21T09:07:00.001-05:00

COULD SMURFETTE CONCEIVE A CHILD WITH A SNORK?

2012-01-20T00:02:00.000-05:00

I wake up on a Saturday and that’s the kind of $% that pollutes my mind. I know. I know. I need help in a bad way. But for argument sake, let’s say we all have guns pointed at our heads and are forced to entertain the notion. My thought would be this – YES, SMURFETTE AND A SNORK CAN HAVE A BABY. And I can prove it.

Thanks to Carolus Linnaeus we now have a classification system for every type of animal in existence. Now the golden rule we all know is different species can NOT mate successfully. Hence, there are no DOGCATS running around. And sure, if you look at a Smurf and a Snork you’d say the same thing, BUT YOU’D BE WRONG. Here’s why – you’re taking the “imaginary creature” approach. What your viewing on the show. NOW, if you treat them as real entities you get this type of scenario.

SMURF/ SNORKS

Kingdom
Cartoons

Phylum
1980s

Class
Saturday

* Order
Morning (* Smurfs were on before the Snorks)

Family
NBC

Genus
2D

Species
Traditional animation (non-CGI)

Since they only differ in one category, I’d compare it to 2 breeds of dogs trying to get it on. They can repoduce. It’s just that their final product will be a mutt. Sadly this will be the case with Smurfette and her Snork lover. But hey, they still would be able to have a kid. SO I WIN!!! Now give me some meds so I can get better.

CRYING GAME PENIS CARTOON

2012-01-19T00:02:00.001-05:00

THE 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF MY SHAMELESS PLUG

2012-01-18T00:02:00.002-05:00

Exactly 1 year ago today I launched bloggerdise with 3 partners. Now we are a 3,500 member community of blogs, brands, businesses and artists – All working together to promote each other and build relationships.

I’ve had a lot of fun working on the site that pretty much would be nowhere without your support. So I just wanted to thank you guys again for visiting and even signing on and using the free service. It truly means a lot to me…and I hope you as well.

Ok, shameless plug over. Tomorrow I’ll go back to talking about sheep and the people that really love them.

2012 GOOGLE AWKWARD SEARCH GAME

2012-01-17T00:02:00.005-05:00

Rules are simple: In the search area type in part of a statement or question. Then simply let Google finish it off. I was hoping the beginning of 2012 would offer a bounty of awkwardness, and I'm happy to report Google did not disappoint.

YOU’RE NOT SERIOUSLY GOING SHARE USELESS VIDEO GAME TRIVIA, ARE YOU?

2012-01-16T11:42:00.000-05:00

In 1961 the first 2 player video game (SPACEWAR!) was released for the PDP-1 computer.

Dig that groovy console!

GUESS THE CANNED BEVERAGE

2012-01-15T11:06:00.000-05:00

Ingredients:
Carbonated water, caramel color, aspartame, phosphoric acid, potassium, benzoate, natural flavors, caffeine.
Click here for answer.

WHO WANTS TO SEE AN HONEST-TO-GOD BLOGGER BE TRANSFORMED INTO A SCARED LITTLE GIRL?

2012-01-14T10:46:00.000-05:00

This is a result of being the only copywriter in an agency of talented art directors. In the past I’ve been fortunate enough to have my face plastered on an Ewok, a Teletubbie, John Belushi – and now, the character of a popular Young Adult series. Enjoy?

FRIDAY NIGHT FEATURE: LAST 3 MINUTES OF A MEREDITH BAXTER BIRNEY LIFETIME MOVIE

2012-01-13T00:02:00.001-05:00

Tear jerker For the Love of Aaron definitely delivers.

BAYWATCH FANS REJOICE: NEW DVD EASTER EGG FOUND

2012-01-12T00:02:00.001-05:00

Special thanks to FROGURT4567 for finding this hidden gem.

BAYWATCH SEASON 2 ($13.99 @ Amazon)

From Disc 5 select "A Conversation With The Creators.”
Press the right arrow at the same time.
You will then see a shape of a female lifeguard.
Highlight it to access a montage of girls, lifeguards and civilians on the beach.

TOM SELLECK IS NOSTRADAMUS (THE GOOD VERSION)

2012-01-11T00:02:00.001-05:00

The time, 1993. AT&T sets out to prove it’s not just a phone company with a fancier name than its folksy ancestor Bell Atlantic. They wanted to give us a glimpse of the AT&T telecommunication future. Good reasons why we will be more than willing to shell out more for our phone bills. The idea? An ad campaign appropriately titled “You Will”. The spots were directed by David Fincher (Zodiac and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button) and narrated by Tom Selleck. The incredible part is these commercials are from 1993. Before Al Gore creates the internet and Steve Jobs designs his i-stuff. It’s crazy freaky how many predictions actually came true. And it's not just the big stuff. They also nailed the little, convenient day-to-day technologies. Unfortunately, even though AT&T gets the blue ribbon for predicting, they kinda fell short in the producing category. As you will see, they were not "the company that will bring it to you" in most cases.

FREE MILLION DOLLAR IDEA

2012-01-10T00:02:00.002-05:00

Ok, it’s not exactly free. I’d love a hefty percentage of the profits. But after we rake in millions upon millions of dollars you won’t even notice. So what’s my idea? CREATE THE NEXT FAD DIET. My spin would be to feature a guilty pleasure as one of the main ingredients to said diet. C’mon! What overweight American wouldn’t want to be on the SNICKERS diet or...

… the marshmallow Peeps diet?

...or even the freakin' chili dog diet?

I got a million more swirling 'round in my noggin.

The perfect partner would be a registered dietitian to make this puppy legal. So sadly if you don’t have that credential you can't make millions with me. Sorry.

4 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT CATNIP

2012-01-09T00:02:00.002-05:00

#1- The terpenoid plant secretes Nepeta cataria oil (fancy word for catnip).

#2- Humans have actually ingested the stuff (by way of tea or a joint) for a numbing effect.

#3- If cats consume too much of this wacky weed they will experience the following side effects: drooling, sleepiness, anxiety, enhanced amount of leaping.

#4- Roughly half to two thirds of cats will be affected by catnip.

HOW TO DRINK LIKE A FISH IN JAPAN AND SURVIVE

2012-01-08T09:53:00.000-05:00

Umeboshi pickled plums have pyric acid, which supposedly cleans out the system of beer or sake. Not sure how you eat it. Sorry.

I SAW THIS MOVIE IN THE THEATER IN 1988 AND I WASN’T HIGH FROM COLD MEDICINE. BEAT THAT BLOGOSPHERE!

2012-01-07T09:14:00.000-05:00

ISAAC’S COCKTAIL O’ LOVE

2012-01-06T00:02:00.001-05:00

Straight from the Pirate’s Cove comes this lusty libation that’s the second best way to warm you up on a cold winter’s night.

HOTTIE TODDY

Ingredients

1 oz brandy, whiskey or rum
1 Tbsp honey
1/4 lemon
1 cup hot water
1 tea bag

Preparation

Coat the bottom of a mug with honey.
Add your choice of liquor.
Squeeze in the juice of the lemon quarter.
Add freshly made hot tea to mug
Stir, serve and enjoy.

DO THEY SELL TIBETAN YAK JERKY? IF SO, WHERE?

2012-01-05T00:02:00.001-05:00

I’ll save you some googling. Go to Mountain America Jerky.

They got all kinds of exotic treats like elk, ostrich, wild boar, alligator, antelope, and yes, Tibetan Yak. Here’s the tasty Tibetan rundown…

100% Tibetan Yak Meat. No added "other meats". Not chopped & formed. A delicate, beef like flavor. Fewer calories and higher protein than Beef, Bison, Elk or even skinless Chicken Breast. This yak meat is farm raised and contains no growth hormones, no steroids, no fed antibiotics. If you have ever wondered why Tibetans are so healthy, here is part of it.

FYI…A 3.25oz pack is only $13.95. Click here to order some yum, yum Yak.

PLEASE ADOPT ME

2012-01-04T09:49:00.000-05:00

I am a Brown Burmese Tarantula. I currently live in LA and need a new home. I have a 1-inch leg span. Once I am an adult I will grow beautiful brown prickly hairs. I am also a great eater!

Click here for Craigslist info.

BTW...I return from vacation tomorrow. Can't wait to catch up on my blog reading!

WHO WANTS TO SEE AN HONEST-TO-GOD SHIRTLESS BLOGGER DISCUSS A BOOK?

2012-01-03T10:21:00.000-05:00

This book in question is written by blogger extraordinaire – Alex.(1000 thanks!)

Check out the book trailer…

BITCHIN' CHOKING POSTER OF THE DAY

2012-01-02T11:59:00.001-05:00

Btw...check out Alex's blog today by clicking on the "blog of the day" button.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, DON’T FORGET ABOUT THAT “WORLD ENDING” THING

2012-01-01T10:13:00.005-05:00

I mean ok, the movie might’ve sucked, but it still had a moral. The world will end December 21, 2012 (so say the Mayans). Sadly no existence will be a bummer. Thankfully we will miss the 25-year “X-mas” rerelease of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie on Blu-ray. So I guess that’s one for the positive column. Any others?

KISSING WITH TONGUE ON NEW YEAR’S EVE MIGHT ACTUALLY SAVE YOUR PARTNER’S LIFE

2011-12-31T10:12:00.000-05:00

Evolutionary biologists say that French kissing has a real honest to God function: to explore the sexual partner's immune system via the saliva.

Hmmmm…Now that I look at it again, I'm not sure that finding makes sense. I bet I read it wrong. Sorry.

WANT AN EGO BOOST? PLAY ME IN WORDS WITH FRIENDS.

2011-12-30T09:21:00.000-05:00

Nope, I am not trying to be funny "haha". Or trying to amuse you. That’s what my opponent scored against me in one freakin' turn. He won the game, shocker! So email me if you want to play. C’mon Alec! It’s go time!

BTW…I’m vacationing with the fam in Florida. So the good news is I can get some sun. Bad news I’m behind on my blog reading. Sorry. I don’t really get much computer time down here. Except for when I do my post and um surf for Shetland pony porn (now I’m trying to be funny “haha”.)

DREAM ANALYSIS 101: BEING NUDE IN PUBLIC

2011-12-29T10:14:00.001-05:00

The nude thing is probably one of the most common dreams on the planet. That’s the one where you either go to the office, class or even a party in the buffo. The odd part is no one seems to care. Meanwhile you’re completely mortified, scrambling to find any article of clothing. I’m usually looking for a scarf for some reason. So what’s the meaning?

SOMEONE’S GOT A SECRET: Most couch docs will tell you, that you’re hiding something. And above all, you are deathly afraid of these true feelings being revealed to your close friends and family.

SURPRISE: Another common interpretation is the simple fear of being unprepared. A lot of times this dream will occur right before a big presentation or test. The fear of failing is so overwhelming it seeps into your subconscious realm.

A POSITIVE SPIN: Some people dream they are nude in a public place, but have zero problems with it. That can simply mean that you are a person that is all about freedom and openness. With my lack of cardio lately, sadly I WILL never ever have to worry about this one.

AND ON THE 1.7 BILLIONTH DAY GOD CREATED...

2011-12-28T15:15:00.002-05:00

TOP 10 EVENTS THAT SHAPED OUR LIVES THIS YEAR

2011-12-27T11:07:00.000-05:00

EVENT #10

On Wednesday, May 18, 2011 I had a deep dental cleaning and a cavity filled. It was very painful so I required two Novocain shots. After the cleaning I had trouble eating for at least 2 weeks.

1 LAME DRINK YOU CAN MAKE FOR YOUNG NEW YEAR’S EVE GUESTS

2011-12-26T09:41:00.001-05:00

EVIL PRINCESS

1 oz grenadine syrup

2 oz grape juice

1 oz apple juice

1 tbsp vanilla syrup

1 tbsp lemon juice

Mix with crushed ice in a glass and garnish with mint leaves.

JESUS FISH OF THE DAY

2011-12-25T18:46:00.001-05:00

‘TIS THE SEASON FOR A HOLIDAY DRINKING GAME

2011-12-24T00:02:00.002-05:00

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

A merry modified version of Century Club.

Directions: Get a group of friends together with shot glasses in hand and a keg of beer. Then all you do is a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. Instead of the regular toast, each time a minute strikes a person takes turn and says what they want for Christmas.

Ex. “All I want for Christmas is …Xbox 360.”

‘TIS THE SEASON FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESSED HAM

2011-12-23T00:03:00.000-05:00

PRESSED HAM definition: Forcing your exposed buttocks on an unwilling individual (preferably a buddy).

Christmas variation can include, but not limited to…

Wearing of a Santa hat on any part of the body.
The insertion of a candy cane into any orifice.

THE ART OF THE SHOPPER SHOVE & GRAB

2011-12-22T00:02:00.002-05:00

‘Tis the season to take advantage of tons of bargains at your neighborhood uber-mega-superstores. Of course to do that you need to wade through a sea of crazed shoppers. Now I’m a native NYer, so I’m no stranger to crowds. It does serve me well during the rest of year shopping in malls and department stores. However, during the holiday season, you need to up your game when it comes to the thrill of the bargain hunt. Here’s my 5step technique to improving your shopper shoving & grabbing skills.

THE SECRET GRAB

Step 1. Eye the prize: When looking for what you want DO NOT be obvious. Treat it like when your girlfriend asks you to nonchalantly look at a cute guy. If you get over-excited and look directly at the prize, you might alert a shopper that’s closer by.

Step 2. Take the angled path: B-lining straight for the product will alert other shoppers to your intended shopping item. So walk in a calm, angled fashion. Go near the product, but not right on top of it. When you are in striking (grabbing) distance, do a gradual turn towards the item in question. Then in a relaxed manner claim your prize.

THE SHOVE FACTOR

Step 3. Shove nicely: The most common misconception of “shopper shoving” is people think it needs to include some ‘tude. WRONG! Always be polite when shoving your way through crowds. Again, you just want to get to the prize, that's all. Pissing someone off will just take vital time away from reaching your goal. While moving through just simply say, “excuse me,” or “oops sorry, my bad,” and be on your merry way.

Step 4. Scoot don’t shove: Don’t bend in, or put your full force into a shove. That will only make the shovee think you’re out for blood, rather than an honest mistake. Instead do a "wiggle scoot" between people. You’ll make much less enemies that way.

Step 5. Hands up: Keeping your hands up while shoving is a sign of submission (that you are just trying the move through the crowd in peace.) It also decreases your surface area making the "wiggle scoot" must easier (see diagram below).

COSBY SWEATER HOLIDAY PARTIES ALL THE RAGE

2011-12-21T00:02:00.000-05:00

In the past few months I’ve seen no less than 9 flickr sets of past Cos parties and invitations to at least 5 upcoming Cosby Sweater parties at bars. Most people love to associate Bill’s signature wool collection as bad fashion. I’m more in the camp of simply outdated. I mean back in the day, any one of those sweaters would have gone for a pretty penny in the high fashion, Euro-boutiques.

Here’s a look at some Cosby Sweater holiday parties of seasons past.

6 QUESTIONS FOR A MALL SANTA

2011-12-20T00:02:00.002-05:00

HOW MUCH DOES A FIRST TIME SANTA MAKE?
Usually they start you at about $100 per hour.

HOW MUCH FOR THE VETERAN SANTA?
Somewhere in the neighborhood of $175 to 200.

ARE THOSE RATES STANDARD THROUGH THE WHOLE SEASON?
Christmas Eve and day you could get an hourly pay upwards of 300 bucks.

DO YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE UNIFORM?Yep. A good suit could run you anywhere from $500 to $1000.

HOW MANY DAYS ARE SANTAS NEEDED?
40.

SO WHAT'S THE MOST YOU COULD MAKE FOR THE SEASON?
If you nab a corporate gig or private party on top of the mall hours you can expect to bring in about 10 grand.

DOLLYWOOD FUN FACT OF THE DAY

2011-12-19T00:02:00.002-05:00

Ms. Parton’s park features 4 million holiday lights that cast a warm glow like no other – A true Smoky Mountain "Dollywood" Christmas!

HEMP-TASTIC HOLIDAY COOKIES

2011-12-18T09:11:00.000-05:00

The perfect treat for holiday celebrations and post-party munchies.

Ingredients

1 3/4 cups all-purpose HEMP flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 egg, beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons Living Harvest Hempmilk (Tempt)
40 miniature chocolate covered peanut butter cups, unwrapped.

Directions:

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
Sift together the flour, salt and baking soda; set aside.
Cream together the butter, sugar, peanut butter and brown sugar until fluffy.
Beat in the egg, vanilla and milk. Add the flour mixture; mix well.
Shape into 40 balls and place each into an ungreased mini muffin pan.
Bake at 375 degrees for about 8 minutes. Remove from oven and immediately press a mini peanut butter cup into each ball. Cooland carefully remove from pan.

SPRAY ON CONDOM STILL A NO GO FOR HOLIDAY SEASON

2011-12-17T10:02:00.001-05:00

In 2006, a revolutionary product was released to the German press –The Spray-on Condom. The way it works is you insert your penis into a small container filled with spray nozzles and PRESTO, a condom instantly appears. It’s being billed as the must solution for odd shaped genitalia looking for the perfect fit. Each liquid cartidge makes 20 latexcondoms (depending on length and girth). Inventor Jan Vinzenz Krause was all set to roll it out by the end of the year. Yet, here we are 3 years later and still no magic love glove. The following are some of the set backs Jan has confronted…

During testing men became squeamish with the insertion process.
Men also felt the noise (made during the application process) killed the mood.
Dry time longer than expected.
Costs twice as much as a regular pack of condoms.
Liquid latex doesn’t form a reservoir tip.

CHEETO JESUS HOLIDAY PARTY TIP

2011-12-16T01:25:00.000-05:00

Cheeto Jesus knows the worst part of any formal New Year’s or Xmas party is searching for your coat at the end of the night. The fact that almost everyone is wearing some sort of similar black (dark colored) overcoat certainly doesn’t help the matter.

CHEETO JESUS SOLUTION: Set your jacket apart from the others simply by tying a bright colored ribbon to one of the buttons.

CONGRATS! YOU'RE 41. GUESS WHERE THE DOCTOR'S FINGER GOES.

2011-12-15T00:02:00.003-05:00

Had my annual physical yesterday. Yep. And to my surprise I was eligible for the doctor to get intimate with my prostate. Meaning, he um took his gelled up, rubber gloved finger and stuck it where the sun don't shine...for 5 whole seconds. I realize you ladies get all kinds of vaginal pokes and prods and have to give birth. BUT SERIOUSLY, 5 WHOLE SECONDS?! To my surprise it didn't hurt that much. And truth be told, in the moment I had a semi-erotic vision about a shirtless Chuck Heston. That's normal, right?

GO BARE BACK ON A PUBLIC TOLIET SEAT WITH A SEMI-CLEAR CONSCIENCE

2011-12-14T00:02:00.001-05:00

By bare back I mean, sitting on a toilet with zero protection at all. No hypoallergenic cover, no tissues, nada. Personally I like the way it feels – cool and refreshing. The Centers For Disease Control & Preventionstates that it is next to impossible to contract STDs from sitting on a public toilet seat. Though before you breath a sigh of relief and pop a naked squat like me, there are 3 types of diseases you still MIGHT (and by might I mean 99% no) contract.

Crabs: Genital lice that feed on blood in your private area. It’s the most contagious out of all the sexual diseases. You literally have a 90% of catching crabs just having sex one time with an infected person. Thankfully it's next to impossible to contract it on the toilet seat. That's 'cause the little buggers die when they’re away from the body for 24 hours.

Scabies: Sounds nasty, doesn’t it? These are microscopic mites that cause the skin to be irritated and itch like mad. You usually get it through serious skin-to skin action. Technically you could catch these guys from shaking hands or hugging…nude. However, similar to Crabs they have a tough time surviving on their own. Though they can live a bit longer – up to 36 hours.

Herpes: The worst of them all. The one that stays with you forever. We’re talking skin and genital blisters, ulcers – a literal buffet of bad stuff. The good news is this STD is the weakest of them all outside the body.

CHRISTMAS MIGHT COME EARLY…JOANIE LOVES CHACHI NOTICE UP ON AMAZON

2011-12-13T00:02:00.002-05:00

The Happy Days spin-off (that starred Scott Baio and Erin Moran) only lasted one season. That’s the bad news. The good news is that Paramount Television might be close to releasing this sitcom slash open love letter on DVD. Usually, Amazon is privy to these things. Which is why they leave that “sign up to be notified when this item becomes available” notice on their site. For years, I searched for theJoanie Loves Chachi DVD only to find nothing. Then last week the notice was finally up. Fingers crossed I’ll be able to enjoy it by X-mas Eve.

KLINGON WORD OF THE DAY: nav HablI'

2011-12-12T00:02:00.001-05:00

nav HablI'

Definition: (n) A fax machine

Ex. Commander! The nav HablI' has printed out today’s specials from the deli! Let us rejoice and decide what we shall order for lunch.

'TIS THE SEASON FOR FELICITY FAN FICTION

2011-12-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

Yes, I cruise the fanfic sites from time to time. Not sure what kind of person that makes me. To be honest, it’s mostly done out of morbid curiosity. I like to see which shows people are still desperate to hang on to, and trying to recapture the magic in some way. Where’s the best place to trowel for such stories? Fanfiction.net hands down. They have like a zillion tales based on TV, movies, books, games – you name it. And yes, they do have a Felicity Fan Fiction site. Right now the section is holding its own with 38 stories. Some of my person faves are…

I Never Knew You by Unproper Grammar (Funny Noel moment)

The Roof by Chayah (slightly steamy)

Loving You by simbagirl (classic Felicity and Ben)

Excerpt from I NEVER KNEW YOU (close your eyes and you'll swear you're watching it once again on the WB):

When it came down to it, Felicity picked Ben. She loved Ben, she protested. She had told Noel once that no matter what she did, no matter which way she looked at it; she was meant to be with Ben. Noel disagreed completely, but who was he to say otherwise? She hadn’t wanted him. So to say that even after all these years, Noel still hated Ben Covington was a bit of an understatement. Sure it was petty and childish, but it was how he felt and he was never one to deny his feelings. But even so, his throat was still closing up and he needed medical attention and. goddamn it, he was going to kill Meghan when he was through with this.

NYC WARNING: SANTACONers ARE OUT IN FULL FORCE

2011-12-10T10:44:00.000-05:00

As you are reading this entry hundreds Santas are invading the streets of NYC today (Saturday, December 10th). It’s for sure not to snag a holiday gig at the mall. It’s SantaCon. A traditional, holiday bar crawl with a purpose – to collect food for the NYC food bank. Last yearSantaCon managed to donate 1000 lbs of food. This year the goal is set at over a ton. The crawl starts at 10am sharp, and has 5 different starting points that covers all the boroughs. It’s sorta like the NYC marathon, only with beer.

REQUIREMENTS:

In order to participate in this bar crawl a teeny tiny Santa hat won’t cover it. You need to be full on Saint Nick. Hence why it will be Day of the Living Santa.

THE RULES (from the site):

In order NOT to be excluded from all the merriment SantaConers must abide by these rules (posted on nycsantacon.com)

Don't f-ck with kids.
Don't f-ck with cops.
Don't f-ck with security.
Don't f-ck with Santa.

The crawl lasts all day and into the night. My advice to parents with kids, refrain from putting little ones on Santa’s lap today. Please refer to exhibits A, B, C & D below for clarification.

6 QUESTIONS FOR A RESTROOM ATTENDANT

2011-12-09T00:02:00.001-05:00

The person stationed in those fancy-schmancy restaurant restrooms. Ready to assist you after you’ve done your 1 or 2 duties. I knew a guy who did that for a summer. Here's what he said.

Does the restaurant pay you? Not sure how they do it in the other places, but I get a $50 flat fee for the night and get to keep the tips.

How much do you usually make in tips? Around $150. $200 on a busy night.

What are your hours like? Friday and Saturday nights I work from around 6:30pm to 1:30am. I don’t work the week usually. It doesn’t pay…literally.

Does the restaurant set you up with the gum, mints and lotions? Nope. I have to supply that stuff, plus a mop, broom, liquid hand soap and even the tip basket.

So how do you earn the tip money? When a patron is done with their business, I turn on and test the water, give a squirt of soap and a towel when they’re done. That's pretty much the trick of the trade.

What’s your biggest pet peeve? Look, I know people don’t want to tip and I deal with it, even though it sucks. I just get grossed out when the customer doesn’t use the sink or anything just to avoid tipping me a buck.

TV SHOWS AND CHRISTMAS ALBUMS SHOULD NOT MATE

2011-12-08T00:02:00.001-05:00

‘TIS THE SEASON FOR COOL JESUS STUFF

2011-12-07T00:02:00.001-05:00

You don’t have to be a Wise Man to know how great a gift these pair of JESUS “HOLY” HOLOGRAM SUNGLASSES will make. Check out these saintly stats …

- One size fits all

- Available in Men’s & Women’s sizes

BONUS: FRIENDS CAN SEE JESUS FROM THE OUTSIDE OF THE GLASSES, BUT YOU CAN'T SEE THE JESUS WHILE YOU ARE WEARING THEM

How cool is that?!

Order your pious pair today for only $6.99 @ ebay.com

JEDI FIGHTING TECHNIQUES

2011-12-06T00:02:00.001-05:00

CHEMICAL PROPERITES OF A FART

2011-12-05T00:02:00.002-05:00

This gastrointestinal gas contains percentages of the following chemical properties …

Nitrogen - 20% - 90%
Hydrogen - 0% - 50%
Carbon Dioxide - 10% - 30%
Oxygen - 0% - 10%
Methane - 0% - 10%

3 TOTALLY RAD PHYSICS EQUATIONS

2011-12-04T09:10:00.000-05:00

BOWLING: How to calculate the bowling ball’s momentum.

Total kinetic energy = kinetic energy due to translation + kinetic energy due to rotation

SKIING: How to measure your acceleration.

Acceleration= (Velocity final- Velocity initial) / Time

BUNGEE JUMPING: How to calculate what your distance from the ground will be.

Weight = K(spring constant of cord) x height of jumper – L (cord length)

GUESS THE RASH!

2011-12-03T11:02:00.000-05:00

I am an infection that is caused by a type of mite that burrows underneath the skin. I am extremely itchy. I usually appear on the wrist, folds of the elbow, armpits, beltline, abdomen, genitalia, nipples, buttocks and the groin. I can be transferred by contact with infected skin or contaminated bedding and clothes. What am I?

Click here for answer.

I HAVE OFFICIALLY ENTERED MY 40s!

2011-12-02T00:02:00.001-05:00

No zero anymore. Officially in the decade. Can’t turn back I guess…or veer to the left for that matter.

2, NO 1 LAME DIRTY WORD YOU CAN MAKE WITH A CALCULATOR.

2011-12-01T00:02:00.001-05:00

Directions:

Step 1. Find a calculator.
Step 2. Type numbers – 5318008
Step 3. Turn calculator upside down.

KLINGON WORD OF THE DAY

2011-11-30T00:02:00.001-05:00

English:

SEX (v. to make love)

Klingon equivalent:

nga'chuq