CHRIST, I JUST HIT AN ANIMAL WITH MY CAR – SHOULD I SERVE IT FOR SUPER BOWL?

Hey, if you’re a super chef you can make anything taste like chicken. Though honestly, we both know that’s not the real issue. You’re worried that the freshly dead roadkill you just acquired might be too fattening for family and fellow fans. Well fear not, I have the answer to your critter calorie question.

4 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT SATANISM

1- Contrary to popular belief, Satanists are against ritualistic animal or human sacrifice.

2- The Church of Satan (the most popular devil worshipping organization) was founded in 1966 by Anton Szandor LaVey.

3- Anton even wrote the Satanic Bible in 1969.

4- The Church of Satan headquarters is located in New York.

HOT NEW "I've fallen and I can't get up!" LADY

Just watching the Sunday tube and caught a glimpse of the new “I've fallen and I can't get up!” lady – or shall I say fox. She even falls pretty. Prrr for the camera. [Yes, I need help.]

EBAY ODDBALL FIND: THE FALL GUY LUNCH BOX

Now you can bring Colt, Howie and Jody with you to school or work (if that’s the way you roll) everyday. This classic Fall Guy lunch box can be yours for only 70 bucks! This one includes the thermos.

RABBI AND GUINEA PIG

NUTRITIONAL CONTENT OF EDIBLE PANTIES

Doesn’t matter what flavor you try, most edible panties have basically the same nutrition values (see below). The USDA suggests that with a low caloric diet (high in fiber) and regular exercise you can enjoy one ladies pair per night.

Serving size: 1 pair (female)

Total Fat: 0g

Sodium: 0g

Total Carbohydrates: 25g

Dietary Fiber: 0g

Sugars: 20g

Protein: 0g

70s TOYS OR TORTURE?

Technically some of these toys are from the early 80s. However, that doesn't make them any less torturous.

SIT ‘N SPIN – The object, twirl yourself around as fast you can. Sorta like your own personal Disney Teacup ride (except you had no operator limiting the speed). Made of sturdy plastic so it pretty much worked on any shag carpet. Doubled as a super safe, spinning sled in the blizzard of ’77.

BLIP – The ancestor to Pong. Wind it up and a red light shoots across the screen. To make the blip return to the other side, all you need to do is push the correct numbered button. Do it again and again, with no food pellet in sight. Made car trips a wee bit more fun than staring out the window at moving trees or bugs dying.

SIMON – 9 volt battery charged game of Simon Says, except with 4 colored lights and Close Encounters-type sounds. No bossy neighborhood kid needed. Not sure of the lasting effects of staring at blinking lights for hours on end.

KER-BANGERS – Remember that weapon David used to smite Goliath? Now imagine that as a toy, Ker-Bangers. Not sure how the manufacturers could guarantee “safe play” when you were swinging and smacking two Lucite balls inches from your nasal cavity. Though it is safe to say I lost my "nose bleed" virginity to this toy.

6 QUESTIONS FOR A SHOT GIRL

So how do you make your money? Two ways, you can either work directly for a promotions company or literally buy the shots from the bartender and resell for a higher price (plus tips).

How much can you make? No matter which route you go you usually wind up making $100 - $400 a night. Assuming you have some sort of crowd.

How do you choose the outfits? If it’s a theme night you dress accordingly (Halloween, beach night, etc.) If you’re working for a promo company you usually have to dress in an outfit that features the liquor brand logo somewhere.

Why do most girls use the test tubes? Easier to hold, and you can fit more on a tray so you can make more cash per shot run.

How do you set the prices? Basically you're given suggestions, but at the end of the night it’s up to you. A slow night you'll probably have to lower prices. While if it’s a crowded night you could give group deals. Bachelor and bachelorette parties are usually good business.

Any advice for up and coming shot girls? Make sure your outfit has a couple pockets to keep lots of small bills for change. Be flirty, but not too aggressive.

AND ON THE GAZILLIONTH DAY GOD INVENTED …

Nuts? Spam? Try both. Fresh-ish from Hamakua Plantations comes the second coming of snack food! Spam Flavored Macadamia Nuts. A gift set goes for only $7.50. SPAM-a-licious!

CROISSANT DAY IS JANUARY 30th.

Croissants were created in 1683 in Vienna, Austria. It had something to do with a battle against the Turkish empire. Blah, blah, blah, the end result was the bakers celebrated the victory by making a pastry in the shape of the crescent moon symbol found on the Turkish flag.  In the 1920s croissants were all the rage in France. And now we have a day where we pay tribute to these flakey favorite. Cool? 

NOT ALL THERE: AGE 5

COULD SMURFETTE CONCEIVE A CHILD WITH A SNORK?

I wake up on a Saturday and that’s the kind of $% that pollutes my mind. I know. I know. I need help in a bad way. But for argument sake, let’s say we all have guns pointed at our heads and are forced to entertain the notion. My thought would be this – YES, SMURFETTE AND A SNORK CAN HAVE A BABY. And I can prove it.

Thanks to Carolus Linnaeus we now have a classification system for every type of animal in existence. Now the golden rule we all know is different species can NOT mate successfully. Hence, there are no DOGCATS running around. And sure, if you look at a Smurf and a Snork you’d say the same thing, BUT YOU’D BE WRONG. Here’s why – you’re taking the “imaginary creature” approach. What your viewing on the show. NOW, if you treat them as real entities you get this type of scenario.

SMURF/ SNORKS

Kingdom
Cartoons

Phylum
1980s

Class
Saturday

* Order
Morning (* Smurfs were on before the Snorks)

Family
NBC

Genus
2D

Species
Traditional animation (non-CGI)

Since they only differ in one category, I’d compare it to 2 breeds of dogs trying to get it on. They can repoduce. It’s just that their final product will be a mutt. Sadly this will be the case with Smurfette and her Snork lover. But hey, they still would be able to have a kid. SO I WIN!!! Now give me some meds so I can get better.

CRYING GAME PENIS CARTOON

THE 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF MY SHAMELESS PLUG

Exactly 1 year ago today I launched bloggerdise with 3 partners. Now we are a 3,500 member community of blogs, brands, businesses and artists – All working together to promote each other and build relationships. 

I’ve had a lot of fun working on the site that pretty much would be nowhere without your support. So I just wanted to thank you guys again for visiting and even signing on and using the free service. It truly means a lot to me…and I hope you as well.

Ok, shameless plug over. Tomorrow I’ll go back to talking about sheep and the people that really love them.

2012 GOOGLE AWKWARD SEARCH GAME

Rules are simple: In the search area type in part of a statement or question. Then simply let Google finish it off. I was hoping the beginning of 2012 would offer a bounty of awkwardness, and I'm happy to report Google did not disappoint. 

YOU’RE NOT SERIOUSLY GOING SHARE USELESS VIDEO GAME TRIVIA, ARE YOU?

In 1961 the first 2 player video game (SPACEWAR!) was released for the PDP-1 computer. 

Dig that groovy console! 

GUESS THE CANNED BEVERAGE

Ingredients:
Carbonated water, caramel color, aspartame, phosphoric acid, potassium, benzoate, natural flavors, caffeine.
Click here for answer.

WHO WANTS TO SEE AN HONEST-TO-GOD BLOGGER BE TRANSFORMED INTO A SCARED LITTLE GIRL?

This is a result of being the only copywriter in an agency of talented art directors. In the past I’ve been fortunate enough to have my face plastered on an Ewok, a Teletubbie, John Belushi –  and now, the character of a popular Young Adult series. Enjoy?

FRIDAY NIGHT FEATURE: LAST 3 MINUTES OF A MEREDITH BAXTER BIRNEY LIFETIME MOVIE

Tear jerker For the Love of Aaron definitely delivers.

BAYWATCH FANS REJOICE: NEW DVD EASTER EGG FOUND

Special thanks to FROGURT4567 for finding this hidden gem.

BAYWATCH SEASON 2 ($13.99 @ Amazon)

• From Disc 5 select "A Conversation With The Creators.”
• Press the right arrow at the same time.
• You will then see a shape of a female lifeguard.
• Highlight it to access a montage of girls, lifeguards and civilians on the beach.

TOM SELLECK IS NOSTRADAMUS (THE GOOD VERSION)

The time, 1993. AT&T sets out to prove it’s not just a phone company with a fancier name than its folksy ancestor Bell Atlantic. They wanted to give us a glimpse of the AT&T telecommunication future. Good reasons why we will be more than willing to shell out more for our phone bills. The idea? An ad campaign appropriately titled “You Will”. The spots were directed by David Fincher (Zodiac and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button) and narrated by Tom Selleck. The incredible part is these commercials are from 1993. Before Al Gore creates the internet and Steve Jobs designs his i-stuff. It’s crazy freaky how many predictions actually came true. And it's not just the big stuff. They also nailed the little, convenient day-to-day technologies. Unfortunately, even though AT&T gets the blue ribbon for predicting, they kinda fell short in the producing category. As you will see, they were not "the company that will bring it to you" in most cases.

FREE MILLION DOLLAR IDEA

Ok, it’s not exactly free. I’d love a hefty percentage of the profits. But after we rake in millions upon millions of dollars you won’t even notice. So what’s my idea? CREATE THE NEXT FAD DIET. My spin would be to feature a guilty pleasure as one of the main ingredients to said diet. C’mon! What overweight American wouldn’t want to be on the SNICKERS diet or...

… the marshmallow Peeps diet? 

...or even the freakin' chili dog diet? 

I got a million more swirling 'round in my noggin. 

The perfect partner would be a registered dietitian to make this puppy legal. So sadly if you don’t have that credential you can't make millions with me. Sorry.

4 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT CATNIP

#1- The terpenoid plant secretes Nepeta cataria oil (fancy word for catnip).

#2- Humans have actually ingested the stuff (by way of tea or a joint) for a numbing effect.

#3- If cats consume too much of this wacky weed they will experience the following side effects: drooling, sleepiness, anxiety, enhanced amount of leaping.

#4- Roughly half to two thirds of cats will be affected by catnip.

HOW TO DRINK LIKE A FISH IN JAPAN AND SURVIVE

Umeboshi pickled plums have pyric acid, which supposedly cleans out the system of beer or sake. Not sure how you eat it. Sorry.

I SAW THIS MOVIE IN THE THEATER IN 1988 AND I WASN’T HIGH FROM COLD MEDICINE. BEAT THAT BLOGOSPHERE!

ISAAC’S COCKTAIL O’ LOVE

Straight from the Pirate’s Cove comes this lusty libation that’s the second best way to warm you up on a cold winter’s night.

HOTTIE TODDY

Ingredients

• 1 oz brandy, whiskey or rum
• 1 Tbsp honey
• 1/4 lemon
• 1 cup hot water
• 1 tea bag

Preparation

• Coat the bottom of a mug with honey.
• Add your choice of liquor.
• Squeeze in the juice of the lemon quarter.
• Add freshly made hot tea to mug
• Stir, serve and enjoy.