MOST EXPENSIVE JEWELRY YOU CAN WEAR ON YOUR MALE NIPPLES

To be honest, this wasn’t my best job at googling for answers. I was searching while semi-watching and critiquing ABC’s The Bachelorette with my wife. [insert lack of manhood joke here].

Anyhow, the most expensive Nipple ring I found was at bodymattersgold.com

The Platinum Nipple Bar with two 20pt Diamonds

This stunning girl-magnet is handmade with platinum and set with 2x 20 point (3.8mm) high quality VS1 G/H genuine diamonds. Total cost to adorn just one nipple …

$1567.50

Champagne wishes!

NO LOVE SHOWN FOR A PATHETIC SOUL AT 12:22am

So it happened just how I predicted. The exact train time. The exact state of being. I’m the %$%# Nostradamus of the north shore of long island. 

If you read the post below you’d know I was at my friend’s BBQ yesterday. And sadly I can’t hold my liquor. So after 6 beers, 2 shots and one giant glass of suspect sangria I was on the 11:36pm train back to NYC. Wasted! 

And yes, as you can see from above I feel asleep. A kind, coked-up individual was nice enough to snap a pic with my iphone and return it to me (for 10 bucks and a stick of gum).

SO DID MY BLOGOSPHERE MATES AWAKEN ME IN MY TIME OF NEED?

Nope. Not one email pinged on my iphone at 12:22amEST. My request was denied. I'm not bitter, I know you guys had better things to do than rescue a fellow blogger in need. How's that for Jewish guilt? 

Truthfully, the only thing that jarred me up was my need to pee. Here’s a brief photo essay to show you how that went (yes, I peed in the brown water – I had no choice.)

BTW…try not to use all caps when commenting, I’m still hungover.

AT 12:22AM EST YOU CAN HELP SAVE A DRUNK PATHETIC-ish SOUL

If you’ve read even 5 of my posts you know I’m a weird moron. Meaning age has sadly not supplied me with needed wisdom. So pretty much you can expect this outcome …

FACT – I will be at Smithtown long Island today for a Memorial Day BBQ.

FACT – I will drink a crap load of beers.

FACT – I will end up staying late catching up with the guys so therefore I will be taking the 11:47pm train home from Syosset to Penn Station NYC.

FACT – I will pass out on the train, which is never a good thing.

SO HOW CAN YOU SAVE A PATHETIC 40 YR. OLD SOUL?

Easy, I need all of you bloggers to email me at approximately 12:22am. In theory it should wake me up (since I’ll set it to beep on my iphone). The constant bleeping should jolt me up out of my drunken slumber right before the train gets into Penn.

Ok let’s be honest, this is probably a distant second (or 14^th) to rescuing Bosnian kids from war-torn somewhere, but still … actually I have no clue where I’m going with that analogy.

So to sum up … help me at 12:22am EST!!!

WORD OF THE DAY FOR NECROPHILIACS

The term above refers to people that get sexual gratification from boinking dead people. The word that refers to having sex with dead animals is called …

Necrozoophilia

Happy Memorial Day!!! Don't eat too many hot dogs.

GOOGLE AWKWARD SEARCH GAME: “I hate” edition

Rules are simple. In the search area type in part of a statement or question. Then simply let Google finish it off. I figured I’d find some fertile ground in the “I hate” area, and Google did not disappoint. 

6 SONGS THE MILITARY USES TO INTERROGATE PRISONERS (no joke)

A co-worker told me today that the military uses songs to help torture and interrogate prisoners. I didn’t believe her, so off to google I went. Turns out she’s right. The Wall St. Journal listed the 6 infamous / famous songs most used by the military. In no real order here they are…

1. Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA"

A Guantanamo favorite since it’s patriotic, loud and raspy.

2. Christina Aguilera's "Dirty"

Sexually charged lyrics tend to offend those cultures that aren’t so pro-ish towards women.

3. Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Were Made for Walking"

Drippy pop ballad was used in a 1993 standoff against David Koresh.

4. AC/DC's "Shoot to Thrill" and "Hells Bells"

Heavy Metal is a go to weapon of the military ‘cause the tunes are loud and repetitive.

5. Anything by Barry Manilow

Used to chase away crowds of riotous punks.

6. Barney the Dinosaur's "I Love You"

Duh.

A DOUCHEY DID YOU KNOW SPECIAL REPORT

I get the Douche Award this time! There’s no escaping it. Yesterday at work I was hungry for a post-breakfast snack. I know. I know. I shouldn’t be snacking. I’m on a diet. Anyhow, on the office kitchen counter there were 3 glorious chocolate cupcakes topped with dollops rich buttercream frosting. 

I was just about to rapture one when my conscience convinced me otherwise. Instead I figured I’d curb my hunger by sniffing the cupcake (to me it makes sense.) I opened the carboard lid and shoved my face in the box. 

Unfortunately my depth of perception was way off and my nose went right in the frosting. Correction. My sweaty, oily nose went right in the frosting. I then reenacted the scene for a co-worker (who was probably creeped out by me). So if you glossed over the first part my nose dipped into one particular frosted cupcake two times.

HERE’S THE DOUCHEY PART

Instead of discarding the cupcake I left it in the box. Never bothering to think anyone would eat it. I’m mean there are 3 cupcakes. Who’s going to choose the one with the nose print in the frosting? Someone did! Yep, I came back from lunch and it was gone. Now my office is small enough where I could fess up and come clean to everyone very easily. Sadly I chose not to take the high road. So now someone has no clue that a cupcake with an oily, sweaty nose-print is digesting in their belly. Am I douche? Be honest.

On a more positive note...

Scifi horror fans!! 

Check out this year’s web-guilty pleasure The Apocalypse Diaries! Stuff goes uber-wrong in LA creating a horrific aftermath! And I ain't givin' away the rest. See it for youself at MiShorts.com

ARE WE ALL JUST MINDLESS SHEEP? (an ongoing series)

So just ‘cause the motion picture throws out all the snooty bells and whistles does that mean we don’t think for ourselves. Do we automatically assume a film is a shoe-in for a golden something if it's French and has a slew of leaf logos? Case in point.

Translation: I just made love to a guinea pig

Praiseworthy or not? FYI...it'll be out on DVD June 8th.

BLOW OFF WORK TODAY AND GET YOUR ASS ON A REALITY SHOW

Realitywanted.com has like a zillion casting opportunities for r-shows (like below) every day. Play your cards right for the camera and you could be the next Richard Hatch (minus the tax evasion and jail time 1 & 2). Click on each title for more casting information.

FREE DOG TRAINING!!!!! ANIMAL PLANET'S "IT'S ME OR THE DOG" CASTING NOW!!

Are your dogs unruly?  Do they consume your life with their bad behavior?  Is there tension and bickering in your home because of them?   Help is on the way!!!   ANIMAL PLANET'S "ITS ME OR THE DOG"  IS CASTING IT'S 4TH SEASON!!!!

Start: 05/16/2011 End: 05/25/2011

Casting All Real Housewives Enthusiast! New Show For You!

Are you obsessed with the Real Housewives of NYC or NJ? Do you think you should be a cast member? Well, this is a new series that is looking for people with larger-than-life personalities just like theirs to host a quirky-in-theme event that we will cater!  

If interested in appearing on this brand new docu-series for a MAJOR cable network, then please reply with an uproariously hilarious email telling us who you are, the party you would like to throw (i.e. how many guests, possible themes, etc.), your contact info, and any photos or videos you may have of yourself.

Start: 05/20/2011 End: 08/02/2011

Now Casting: Pranksters in the Boston Area!

Are your friends constantly pulling pranks on you? Do you get tired of being the butt of their cruel jokes? If so, Fuel TV wants to help you get them back. Big Time! A new television pilot for Fuel TV and Cheri Sundae Productions wants to give you the opportunity to devise the perfect prank! If you are a good sport, not afraid to express your feelings, live in the Boston area we would like to hear from you!

Start: 05/18/2011 End: 06/01/2011

THE WORLD DIDN’T END SO HERE’S MY CAN’T MISS, MONEY MAKING, PORN WEBSITE IDEA FOR YOU.

Anyone who wants my stroke of brilliance is welcome to it. Truth be told I actually came up with this idea before the internet was even created – summer of 1992. Since then I’ve never seen it done. So if anyone in the blogosphere has the capital and the know-how, give me a holla. Now onto to my revolutionary, porno-riffic idea.

BEAR-SIC INSTINCT

Yeah, it is somewhat related to the steamy “Michael Douglas / Sharon Stone” thriller BASIC INSTINCT. However my version uses stuffed animals (teddy bears) in those erotic situations. For just $10.99 a month people would gain access to all kinds of plush animals doing unspeakable acts. Think erotic Muppets. That’s pretty much it.

PROs of BEAR-SIC INSTINCT:

- Low start up costs

- No actors /actresses

- No chance of being sued for offensive material

- No chance of anyone being underage

CONs:

None that I can think of off the top of my head.

If you need further incentive, here are some crude, yet accurate potential site visuals.

POSITIVE REVIEWS FROM THE LESS POPULAR STUFF ON AMAZON

Here’s my new guilty pleasure – so let’s get to it.

Leather Mask Hood with Blinders, Ball Gag, Mouth & Mouth Cover (only $17.99 @ Amazon)

“FINGER-RIFFIC” FRIDAY

I was going to mention which jar of goodness I love to finger. However I felt the need to interrupt my mindless post for a peek into my uber-pathetic-ness.

I can say I’ve reached a new low. As a card carrying man I probably shouldn’t admit to this, but what the hell. In the last two months I have heard the following phrase uttered at least 4 maybe 5 times from my DVR…

“Previously on Audrina!”

The show is your basic VH1 / Mtv hellspawn (aka reality show)! 

It centers around the post-Hills, post-Dancing with the Stars hottie Audrina Patridge ... 

... and her wacky family. 

Hey, my wife likes the show not me. It’s stupid. So stupid. Ugh really stupid. Especially the first 3 episodes. The 4^th wasn’t so bad. And I kinda like the 5^th one. And yes, I’m so psyched for episode 6!!!  What’s going to happen between Aurdina and Donald Trump? Will Casey fight with her mom?!!! I truly can’t wait for the next ...

I’m pathetic! My manhood should be revoked. Oh, and to make matters worse I caught myself singing the theme song on my way to work. Bye-bye testicles.

I dare you not to snap your fingers and stomp your feet!!!!

“BITCH PLEASE” THURSDAY

Hey, if we humans are able to poke holes in our ears for the sake of looking good, shouldn’t dogs have that right too? 

Thankfully Rockstar-puppy.com has found a simple solution around that problem – GLUE! That’s right, for only $7.95 you can get your very own BOW WOW BLING SET! 

Pack includes 4 sets of the finest Swarovski crystals you have ever seen, plus a tube of “vet tested” non-toxic glue. Just stick the crystals to the back of your pooch’s ears and POOF– instant doggie-style.

BOW WOW BLING is available in big and small dog sizes. Click here to order.