Saturday, March 31, 2012

SURE IT RUINS THE PLANET, BUT IT'S TOTALLY RAD!

Giant robot made entirely from styrofoam packaging. Ain’t it bitchin cool?

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Friday, March 30, 2012

PLUSH TOY STD OF THE DAY

Now you can get your very own cuddly case of Herpes Simplex Virus 2. This venereal virus measures 7 inches tall and weighs 3 ounces. Comes complete with a handy leaflet that has all kinds of fun facts about your Giant Microbe® menace. Makes the perfect gift for parents, educators and any friend who just received great news from the free clinic.


Only $8.95 on Amazon.



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Thursday, March 29, 2012

JEWISH KID FROM SUBURBIA REVEALS ALL TIME FAVORITE COMEDY RECORDS (an ongoing series)


I AM NOT OLD. Oh sure I’m 41. So yes, to my 23 yr. old co-workers I’m 9 years away from ancient (Whew!) Though honestly I feel like I can relate to them on almost every level. Their music doesn’t suck. And yes, I’ve been known to partake in a CW show (or two) and JS on Mtv. I can even hold my own at Beer Pong. My only difference is how I prefer to take my comedy albums. First of all, the fact that I refer to them as comedy albums ages me. Kids today and their youtube College Humor clips. To me, no ifs ands or buts, vinyl is the only way to go with stand-up comedy. It’s hard to explain, especially since I cringe when I hear a song that’s anything less than digitally mastered. Maybe it’s just my way of turning back the clock. Sorta like really, really old people liking B&W shows or Lawrence Welk. I guess it just takes me back to the days of sneaking in the shag-infused den with my friends to use my dad’s turntable. We’d flip on the record, carefully place the needle, sit back and listen while sipping a bottle of whatever from the liquor cabinet. Here's one of my many top vinyl memories...
RICHARD PRYOR (LIVE ON THE SUNSET STRIP): Believe it or not this one is a tad before my time. Still if you ever find it buy it. Standard on all albums is his hilarious take on white people. This one he also includes a bit about his sexually active exotic pets and…I’ll just leave it at that.

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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

WHO WANTS TO SEE AN HONEST-TO-GOD BLOGGER GET SEMI-FREAKED OUT ON THE 6 TRAIN?


For you non-NYers the 6 train is on the eastside. Still probably doesn't mean much. Anyhow, I sadly didn’t notice the issue when I sat down. However, I did smell it. The problem was I couldn't see what it was. I just saw shocked subway riders' faces. It wasn’t ‘til I stood up for my stop I discovered the culprit. Someone had left a doo doo package on the floor. Like I said, I was only semi-freaked out. What would you have been?


BTW…sorry I didn’t get to read your blogs yesterday. I was away on biz.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

EBAY ODDBALL FIND: DOT GONE ARTIFACT

Relive one of the more precious moments from the dot gone era with Socks, the official puppet / mascot of the now defunct Pets.com. Plush toy measures 12 inches tall. Though Socks has been handled it still remains in mint condition with no visible flaws. Click here to buy now @ ebay.

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Monday, March 26, 2012

FUN FACTOIDS ABOUT A DEADLY DISH: BLOWFISH



Where you find it on the menu: Top sushi places (dish is called Fugu).

How it’s prepared: Licensed chefs (with 7 yrs. of intense training) carve out the poisonous parts – very carefully.

How it kills: Fish contains a powerful poison known as Tetrodotoxin.

How you die: Victim is paralyzed and eventually dies from asphyxiation.

Possible cure: Nothing. Zippo. All docs can do is keep you stable ‘til the poison is out of your system.

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Sunday, March 25, 2012

WHOOP ASS OF THE WEEK


Actually it’s a can of Whoop Ass to be exact. This one was sent to me by MarTe45 from Naples, Florida. They are Whoop Ass peanuts (habanero flavored) available for $5.95 on Amazon.

Keep those WA links coming in! 

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Saturday, March 24, 2012

CRINGEWORTHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY

It was1988. A year before maverick director Dorian Walker and hot producer Bob Manning would release the highly anticipated Teen Witch. A film that stars Robyn Elaine Lively as a teen nerd who suddenly discovers she’s a powerful witch. Originally Walker and Manning planned for just a simple jazzy film score to accompany this indie dramedy. Though after reviewing the first cut, the creative team realized a contemporary dance music number would be integral in helping complete a pivotal scene. In a pinch they turned to composer/lyricist extraordinaire Larry Weir. And with the help of a well-choreographed Amanda Ingber they created one of the most Cringeworthy Moments in cinematic history – “TOP THAT!”


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Friday, March 23, 2012

SO WHERE WOULD I GO IF I WANT TO SEE HOW STORMTROOPERS HOLD THEIR JUNK IN PLACE?


Glad you asked my young Padawan. Just visit The Star Wars Collectors Archive. In under 3.5 parsecs you can view pretty much any collectiblepiece associated with the STAR WARS universe. My favorite being a 1979 Stormtrooper cod piece. Oops, my bad, this is a cod piece for a Hoth Stormtrooper from EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. Big difference. 
What’s so special about this item? This is one of the only Stormtrooper crotch cups made for the movie, but was never used. So it is still untrimmed. For those keeping score at home it was molded at Elstree Studios. Not sure how much it’s worth, but the owner Gus Lopez lent it out for the Star Wars Magic of Myth 2002 exhibit in Sydney, Australia. 
FYI...I'd give my right arm to sniff it.

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Thursday, March 22, 2012

WHY BLUE RIBBON?


PBR might not be able to compete with those fancy schmancy Euro-Micro Brews. Then again, it won’t cost you $8 a cup. To date, I can walk into any bar and get Pabst for a buck. And we’re not talking during a “weeknight, no one’s in the bar” special. That’s pretty much still the going rate. Pabst is also still one of the last surviving private brewers that hasn’t been gobbled up by bigwigs MillerCoors or Anheuser-Busch. As far as the blue ribbon thing goes, that dates all the way back to 1882. Back then (as a symbol of quality) they used to tie a blue ribbon around every PBR beer they sold. A practice that lasted until 1916.  

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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

AMISH PORN OF THE WEEK


Film:
Synopsis:
A camcorder mysteriously falls from the sky right smack in the middle of a quaint Amish community. Miss Marion and her sisters are the first to discover this modern marvel. These naive, sheltered (yet bi-curious) women are convinced this is a true sign from God. But what is God trying to tell them? To seek out the answer they go on a journey filled with unbridled passion and shocking sister on sister lesbianism.
Credits:
Directed by maverick creator Jerome Tanner.
Stars newcomers Melissa West (as Miss Marion), Adriana Sage, Jewel De’Nyle & Nina Ferrari.
Run time: 72 minutes

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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

FUN FACTOID ABOUT OTTERS MAKING LOVE

Right before otters get down to business they engage in aggressive play. The most popular position is the male otter grasping the female’s nose in his teeth until it becomes swollen and bloody. 


Oh, and on a non-sexual/mating note, congrats to Alex for winning the "Where I ate" contest. More to come!


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Monday, March 19, 2012

“GUESS WHERE I ATE” CONTEST.


Hey, just to let you know I’m off today. Took some needed recharge time. The wife and I went to _____ for the day/night. Not telling you “the where” because that’s the part you need to guess. All I’ll tell you is we ate in a place called Stacks last night for dinner. 
They specialize in get this – pancake wraps. I had ham, sausage, egg, cheddar cheese wrapped in a fluffy pancake. Delish and worth a visit. 

Anyhow, that’s the only hint you’re getting. So the first one to guess the city or state will be blog of the day and new blog of the day for the rest of the week. Ready … go.

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Sunday, March 18, 2012

FUN FACTOID ABOUT GRUEL

Traditionally made gruel (with milk) has 247 calories per serving.

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Saturday, March 17, 2012

GUESS THE CELEBRITY NIPPLE


C’mon, this one is sooo easy. Well, just in case you’re still stumped here’s a hint – this entertainer currently headlines a top rated CBS show on Friday night.

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Thursday, March 15, 2012

TIPS FOR NON-JEWS ON HOW TO FILL OUT A BAR MITZVAH CARD


Next to pet sympathy cards, I’d say Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah cards are one of the more difficult ones to fill out. Just to bring you up to speed, a Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah is a celebration of reaching adulthood. Not unlike being eligible to drive.
  • You need to be a certain age: 13
  • You need to take a test: Reading Torah portion in front of relatives & friends.

THE GIFT...
First off it’s usually customary to give money at these things. So buy one of those BM cards with a check holder in it. The card will probably have a Jewish star and a congratulations phrase on it like Mazel Tov (Good Luck). As far as a proper sign off goes, here are 8 “can’t miss” options with a smidge of appropriate humor.
  1. Great job on your portion!!! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
  2. Congrats!!! You’re officially an adult. Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
  3. Looks like the practicing paid off!! Love Mr. & Mrs. Smith
  4. Congrats on your special day!!! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
  5. Loved the candy cart!!! Congrats!! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
  6. Great job chanting! Mazel Tov! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
  7. What? No Matzo? Congrats! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
  8. Totally nailed your portion!!! Mazel Tov! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith

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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

HEY MOMMY BLOGGERS! TOILEGAMI IS ALL THE RAGE

Wait! Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of it. Thought your blogging unit was up on all of this “hip for the home” stuff. Toilegami is what it sounds like – origami of toilet paper. So what would possess one to utilize this craft? The only working theory I could come up with is – it's a cheap way to “one-up” annoying guests when having ‘em over for parties. You know, instead of spending needless bucks on fine linen napkins, candy looking soap, or funky smellin’ potpourri to spruce up your bathroom. All you need is a roll of 1 or 2 ply and you’re good to go. The foks atOrigami-resource-center.com have 5 different shapes for you to choose from – Triangle, Diamond Fold, Pleated Tuck, Pleated Fold, and Flourish.

And as you can see below, the instructions are all on a “for dummies” level. Easy enough that even a Horror Blogger can follow (KIDDING!!!!)

FYI…only work with the toilet paper that hasn’t been used.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

MAJOR LEAGUE EATING UPDATE!


This yearly pre-Mardi Gras event, Fat Tuesday King Cake Eating Championship @ Showboat AC  turned out to be a wild one. Though in the end it was Pat Bertoletti who woofed down 10.5 1/2 lb King Cakes in 8 minutes to win the $2,000 purse. Oh and for those at home keeping score, a king cake is a cinnamon bun type cake with Mardi Gras-type frosting (and a baby Jesus shoved in the middle).

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Monday, March 12, 2012

13 JEWSPLOITATION FILMS


Growing up in a reformed Jewish household can be summed up with one phrase (of my own creation) – Convenient Kosher-ism. Meaning, we had all the good intentions of celebrating the Jewish holidays, it’s just that my family’s social calendar got in the way a bit. Though in our defense, Jew-days change from year to year. Oddly the one part of GOD’S WILL not set in stone. It’s all based on some ancient lunar/harvest calendar that truly means nothing to Lon Giland suburbia life. I’d say the only thing my parents made sure was a strong part of my Jewish heritage was the love for classic JEWSPLOITATION films. And no, not all of ‘em were comedies. And only 82% are Woody Allen or Mel Brooks joints. Enjoy. Mazel Tov!

The Ten Commandments – 3 hours of Yul and Chuck in loincloths.

Jazz Singer ­– Neil Diamond in his acting debut and finale.

Frisco Kid – Rabbi Gene Wilder teams up with cowboy Harrison Ford.

The Chosen – Quick, name another Robby Benson film.

Yentle – Babs as a boy.

History of The World – JEWWWWS IN SPAAAACCCCEEE!!!!

Bananas – Woody Allen with a fake beard.

Broadway Danny Rose – Woody Allen in B&W.

Annie Hall – Woody Allen with a Shiksa.

Fiddler on The Roof – Michael Glazer (Starsky) does a decent job as Perchik.

Blazing Saddles – Not sure the Jews can totally claim this one.

The Producers – The original with Zero Mostel.

The In-Laws – Peter Falk as a fed. Alan Arkin as a dentist.

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Sunday, March 11, 2012

BITTER OLD ME JUST SAW A COOL GUERILLA PLACED AD


By now you regular people (aside from us nerds) know that a new spider-man film will be in theaters this summer. The spider-kid will be played by that actor dude from the Social Network. Sorry, too lazy to imdb it.

Anyhow, while walking in NYC I saw the spray painted spidey symbol wedged between two cars. I quickly put 1 and 1 together and realized I must’ve witnessed my first guerilla placed ad for the movie. Pretty neat. Right?

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Saturday, March 10, 2012

SERIOUSLY, JUST TRUST ME FOR A SECOND

I’m telling you, I won’t steer you wrong. Just go to the google search engine and type in the word tilt. Then press search. Trust me. It’s cool-ish.




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Friday, March 9, 2012

TEQUILA WORM FUN FACTOID

Fact is any halfway decent bottle of Mexican tequila does NOT contain a worm. That's pretty much an American gimmick used to boost sales. Tequila worms are traditionally found in certain bottles of Mescal.

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Thursday, March 8, 2012

BILLY DEE IS DA MAN BECAUSE ...

In 2003 Billy Dee won a TV Land award for his guest appearance (as himself) on The Jeffersons. He also nabbed a second TV Land award (in 2006) for his legendary portrayal of Gale Sayers in the 1971 TV movie Brian Song.

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Wednesday, March 7, 2012

BINGE DRINKING BOARD GAME OF THE DAY

PASS-OUT – Players roll dice and land on spaces that correspond to different challenging tongue-twister cards. Recite it right, you get the card. Collect 10 cards and you win the game. $59.99 @ Amazon.

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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

MY FAVORITE, FAVORITE DOG HUMPING TOY for under $20


I don’t know about you guys, but every time I see a dog make love to a couch leg it brings a smile to my face. I can only imagine the expression your child will have when they rush to their presents Christmas morning and unwrap a cuddly canine in the “let’s get it on” position. And with a little help from your favorite NY, Jewish, Christmas elf I can make that a reality for under 20 bucks.


SQUIRT THE HUMPING BULLDOG
Just attach Squirt to any leg, then squeeze his foot, and you’re off on a humping adventure. Costs only $15.99 @ 1ofakindstuff.com

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Monday, March 5, 2012

ACCURATELY RECREATE THE FINAL SCENE OF THE SOPRANOS


Just out of morbid curiosity I caught a couple of civil reenactment videos on YouTube. The one thing the reenactments had in common (aside from lack of a boom mic), was they TRIED to be frightfully accurate. Now say you were going to recreate another important piece of history. For argument sake let's say the final scene in David Chase’s masterful opusThe Sopranos. You know the one where you were cursing your cable provider ‘cause the scene suddenly cut out. Anyway, here it gets a little easier thanks again to youtube (see below) and DVDs to figure out the general details. However, if you are aiming for that “frightfully accurate” realism here are some not so obvious facts to help…
The scene lasts 4 minutes and 32 seconds.
It takes place at Holsten’s in Bloomfield, NJ (it’s actually an ice-cream parlor so you’ll need to bring your own jukebox).
Once Tony selects his booth, he does a slight drum tap on the table (with both hands) before reaching his left hand to the jukebox to search songs.
Tony flips through 2 jukebox pages before landing on the Journey song.
Tony views the songs in following order before making his choice...
  1. Sawyer Brown (Somewhere Into The Night)
  2. Heart (Who Will You Run To)
  3. Journey (Don’t Stop Believing)
  4. Tony Bennett (I Gotta Be Me)
He chooses the song with his right hand.
Meadow attempts to parallel park the car twice before she succeeds.
Throughout the scene Tony nervously eyes the following people in this order...
  1. young woman in black coat,
  2. older man in baseball cap
  3. young couple in love (slightly eyes over Carmela’s shoulder)
  4. guy in windbreaker
  5. waitress
  6. guy in windbreaker (2nd time)
  7. waitress (2nd time)
  8. looks at door at ???
Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing stops exactly at 3 minutes and 38 seconds.

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