Saturday, December 31, 2011

KISSING WITH TONGUE ON NEW YEAR’S EVE MIGHT ACTUALLY SAVE YOUR PARTNER’S LIFE


Evolutionary biologists say that French kissing has a real honest to God function: to explore the sexual partner's immune system via the saliva.

Hmmmm…Now that I look at it again, I'm not sure that finding makes sense. I bet I read it wrong. Sorry.   

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Friday, December 30, 2011

WANT AN EGO BOOST? PLAY ME IN WORDS WITH FRIENDS.


Nope, I am not trying to be funny "haha". Or trying to amuse you. That’s what my opponent scored against me in one freakin' turn. He won the game, shocker! So email me if you want to play. C’mon Alec! It’s go time!

BTW…I’m vacationing with the fam in Florida. So the good news is I can get some sun. Bad news I’m behind on my blog reading. Sorry. I don’t really get much computer time down here. Except for when I do my post and um surf for Shetland pony porn (now I’m trying to be funny “haha”.)

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Thursday, December 29, 2011

DREAM ANALYSIS 101: BEING NUDE IN PUBLIC


The nude thing is probably one of the most common dreams on the planet. That’s the one where you either go to the office, class or even a party in the buffo. The odd part is no one seems to care. Meanwhile you’re completely mortified, scrambling to find any article of clothing. I’m usually looking for a scarf for some reason. So what’s the meaning?


SOMEONE’S GOT A SECRET: Most couch docs will tell you, that you’re hiding something. And above all, you are deathly afraid of these true feelings being revealed to your close friends and family.


SURPRISE: Another common interpretation is the simple fear of being unprepared. A lot of times this dream will occur right before a big presentation or test. The fear of failing is so overwhelming it seeps into your subconscious realm.


A POSITIVE SPIN: Some people dream they are nude in a public place, but have zero problems with it. That can simply mean that you are a person that is all about freedom and openness. With my lack of cardio lately, sadly I WILL never ever have to worry about this one.

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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

TOP 10 EVENTS THAT SHAPED OUR LIVES THIS YEAR


EVENT #10
On Wednesday, May 18, 2011 I had a deep dental cleaning and a cavity filled. It was very painful so I required two Novocain shots. After the cleaning I had trouble eating for at least 2 weeks. 

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Monday, December 26, 2011

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Saturday, December 24, 2011

‘TIS THE SEASON FOR A HOLIDAY DRINKING GAME


ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
A merry modified version of Century Club.
Directions: Get a group of friends together with shot glasses in hand and a keg of beer. Then all you do is a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. Instead of the regular toast, each time a minute strikes a person takes turn and says what they want for Christmas.
Ex. “All I want for Christmas is …Xbox 360.”

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Friday, December 23, 2011

‘TIS THE SEASON FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESSED HAM


PRESSED HAM definition: Forcing your exposed buttocks on an unwilling individual (preferably a buddy).
Christmas variation can include, but not limited to…
  • Wearing of a Santa hat on any part of the body.
  • The insertion of a candy cane into any orifice.

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Thursday, December 22, 2011

THE ART OF THE SHOPPER SHOVE & GRAB


‘Tis the season to take advantage of tons of bargains at your neighborhood uber-mega-superstores. Of course to do that you need to wade through a sea of crazed shoppers. Now I’m a native NYer, so I’m no stranger to crowds. It does serve me well during the rest of year shopping in malls and department stores. However, during the holiday season, you need to up your game when it comes to the thrill of the bargain hunt. Here’s my 5step technique to improving your shopper shoving & grabbing skills.

THE SECRET GRAB
Step 1. Eye the prize: When looking for what you want DO NOT be obvious. Treat it like when your girlfriend asks you to nonchalantly look at a cute guy. If you get over-excited and look directly at the prize, you might alert a shopper that’s closer by.
Step 2. Take the angled path: B-lining straight for the product will alert other shoppers to your intended shopping item. So walk in a calm, angled fashion. Go near the product, but not right on top of it. When you are in striking (grabbing) distance, do a gradual turn towards the item in question. Then in a relaxed manner claim your prize.
THE SHOVE FACTOR
Step 3. Shove nicely: The most common misconception of “shopper shoving” is people think it needs to include some ‘tude. WRONG! Always be polite when shoving your way through crowds. Again, you just want to get to the prize, that's all. Pissing someone off will just take vital time away from reaching your goal. While moving through just simply say, “excuse me,” or “oops sorry, my bad,” and be on your merry way.
Step 4. Scoot don’t shove: Don’t bend in, or put your full force into a shove. That will only make the shovee think you’re out for blood, rather than an honest mistake. Instead do a "wiggle scoot" between people. You’ll make much less enemies that way.
Step 5. Hands up: Keeping your hands up while shoving is a sign of submission (that you are just trying the move through the crowd in peace.) It also decreases your surface area making the "wiggle scoot" must easier (see diagram below).

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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

COSBY SWEATER HOLIDAY PARTIES ALL THE RAGE


In the past few months I’ve seen no less than 9 flickr sets of past Cos parties and invitations to at least 5 upcoming Cosby Sweater parties at bars. Most people love to associate Bill’s signature wool collection as bad fashion. I’m more in the camp of simply outdated. I mean back in the day, any one of those sweaters would have gone for a pretty penny in the high fashion, Euro-boutiques.
Here’s a look at some Cosby Sweater holiday parties of seasons past.



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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

6 QUESTIONS FOR A MALL SANTA

HOW MUCH DOES A FIRST TIME SANTA MAKE?
Usually they start you at about $100 per hour.

HOW MUCH FOR THE VETERAN SANTA?
Somewhere in the neighborhood of $175 to 200.

ARE THOSE RATES STANDARD THROUGH THE WHOLE SEASON?
Christmas Eve and day you could get an hourly pay upwards of 300 bucks.

DO YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE UNIFORM?Yep. A good suit could run you anywhere from $500 to $1000.

HOW MANY DAYS ARE SANTAS NEEDED?
40.

SO WHAT'S THE MOST YOU COULD MAKE FOR THE SEASON?
If you nab a corporate gig or private party on top of the mall hours you can expect to bring in about 10 grand.

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Monday, December 19, 2011

DOLLYWOOD FUN FACT OF THE DAY



Ms. Parton’s park features 4 million holiday lights that cast a warm glow like no other – A true Smoky Mountain "Dollywood" Christmas!

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Sunday, December 18, 2011

HEMP-TASTIC HOLIDAY COOKIES


The perfect treat for holiday celebrations and post-party munchies.
Ingredients
  • 1 3/4 cups all-purpose HEMP flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 cup butter, softened
  • 1/2 cup white sugar
  • 1/2 cup peanut butter
  • 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
  • 1 egg, beaten
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 2 tablespoons Living Harvest Hempmilk (Tempt)
  • 40 miniature chocolate covered peanut butter cups, unwrapped.
Directions:
  1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
  2. Sift together the flour, salt and baking soda; set aside.
  3. Cream together the butter, sugar, peanut butter and brown sugar until fluffy.
  4. Beat in the egg, vanilla and milk. Add the flour mixture; mix well.
  5. Shape into 40 balls and place each into an ungreased mini muffin pan.
  6. Bake at 375 degrees for about 8 minutes. Remove from oven and immediately press a mini peanut butter cup into each ball. Cooland carefully remove from pan.

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Saturday, December 17, 2011

SPRAY ON CONDOM STILL A NO GO FOR HOLIDAY SEASON


In 2006, a revolutionary product was released to the German press –The Spray-on Condom. The way it works is you insert your penis into a small container filled with spray nozzles and PRESTO, a condom instantly appears. It’s being billed as the must solution for odd shaped genitalia looking for the perfect fit. Each liquid cartidge makes 20 latexcondoms (depending on length and girth). Inventor Jan Vinzenz Krause was all set to roll it out by the end of the year. Yet, here we are 3 years later and still no magic love glove. The following are some of the set backs Jan has confronted…
  • During testing men became squeamish with the insertion process.
  • Men also felt the noise (made during the application process) killed the mood.
  • Dry time longer than expected.
  • Costs twice as much as a regular pack of condoms.
  • Liquid latex doesn’t form a reservoir tip.

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Friday, December 16, 2011

CHEETO JESUS HOLIDAY PARTY TIP


Cheeto Jesus knows the worst part of any formal New Year’s or Xmas party is searching for your coat at the end of the night. The fact that almost everyone is wearing some sort of similar black (dark colored) overcoat certainly doesn’t help the matter.
CHEETO JESUS SOLUTION: Set your jacket apart from the others simply by tying a bright colored ribbon to one of the buttons.

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Thursday, December 15, 2011

CONGRATS! YOU'RE 41. GUESS WHERE THE DOCTOR'S FINGER GOES.

Had my annual physical yesterday. Yep. And to my surprise I was eligible for the doctor to get intimate with my prostate. Meaning, he um took his gelled up, rubber gloved finger and  stuck it where the sun don't shine...for 5 whole seconds. I realize you ladies get all kinds of vaginal pokes and prods and have to give birth. BUT SERIOUSLY, 5 WHOLE SECONDS?! To my surprise it didn't hurt that much. And truth be told, in the moment I had a semi-erotic vision about a shirtless Chuck Heston. That's normal, right?

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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

GO BARE BACK ON A PUBLIC TOLIET SEAT WITH A SEMI-CLEAR CONSCIENCE


By bare back I mean, sitting on a toilet with zero protection at all. No hypoallergenic cover, no tissues, nada. Personally I like the way it feels – cool and refreshing. The Centers For Disease Control & Preventionstates that it is next to impossible to contract STDs from sitting on a public toilet seat. Though before you breath a sigh of relief and pop a naked squat like me, there are 3 types of diseases you still MIGHT (and by might I mean 99% no) contract.
Crabs: Genital lice that feed on blood in your private area. It’s the most contagious out of all the sexual diseases. You literally have a 90% of catching crabs just having sex one time with an infected person. Thankfully it's next to impossible to contract it on the toilet seat. That's 'cause the little buggers die when they’re away from the body for 24 hours.
Scabies: Sounds nasty, doesn’t it? These are microscopic mites that cause the skin to be irritated and itch like mad. You usually get it through serious skin-to skin action. Technically you could catch these guys from shaking hands or hugging…nude. However, similar to Crabs they have a tough time surviving on their own. Though they can live a bit longer – up to 36 hours.
Herpes: The worst of them all. The one that stays with you forever. We’re talking skin and genital blisters, ulcers – a literal buffet of bad stuff. The good news is this STD is the weakest of them all outside the body.

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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

CHRISTMAS MIGHT COME EARLY…JOANIE LOVES CHACHI NOTICE UP ON AMAZON

The Happy Days spin-off (that starred Scott Baio and Erin Moran) only lasted one season. That’s the bad news. The good news is that Paramount Television might be close to releasing this sitcom slash open love letter on DVD. Usually, Amazon is privy to these things. Which is why they leave that “sign up to be notified when this item becomes available” notice on their site. For years, I searched for theJoanie Loves Chachi DVD only to find nothing. Then last week the notice was finally up. Fingers crossed I’ll be able to enjoy it by X-mas Eve. 

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Monday, December 12, 2011

KLINGON WORD OF THE DAY: nav HablI'


nav HablI'
Definition: (n) A fax machine
ExCommander! The nav HablI' has printed out today’s specials from the deli! Let us rejoice and decide what we shall order for lunch.

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