Tuesday, August 31, 2010

DISTURBING BLOGGER WIDGET OF THE DAY



Widgets are those things you see on the sides of blogs that aren’t awards. Some widgets tell time. Other Widgets count down the days to the premiere of Dancing With The Stars. And then there’s this gem…SHAVE MY YETI

As far as I can tell the object of the widget is to shave all the fur off this urban legend. Not sure if you’re able to see his privates, but it’s worth a shot. And ummm, that's all I have to say about that. Download it today (or not) at Widgetbox.

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8 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT GAY PORN



#1- Gay male actors make an average of $300 to $500 per shoot.


#2- Gay stars can make around $1500 – $2000 a shoot.

#3- Gay pornography fell under the illicit act of sodomy and was actually considered illegal ‘til 2003.


#4- The French beat us to the punch with the very first hardcore gay film in 1908 – Le Menage Moderne Du Madame Butterfly.

#5- The first gay film studio (Athletic Model Guild) was founded in 1944 by Bob Mizer.


#6- One of the most famous gay porn actors of all time is Jeff Stryker.

#7- The 48 yr. old former actor now rakes in the cash ever since he used a cast of his penis to create a line of dildos.

 #8- Heterosexual male stars that do homoerotic features are considered doing Gay For Pay.

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Monday, August 30, 2010

BACK-TO-SCHOOL FASHIONS FOR PEOPLE WHO HATE KIDS



Ok, I’m not saying I hate the babies in strollers that spit up every 2 seconds. Or detest those A.D.D.s running around screaming their heads off in malls. I’m talking about the college age kids. The young Gen Ys.

Just to give you some back matter, I reside in NYC. And I happen to live on the same block as a freshman dorm of a college that will remain nameless (NYU). Now to be fair, when the kids are sober they aren’t so bad (except for the cigarette butts). My real problem is when they get drunk off their under-aged asses. 


God forbid if I walk by and give some funny look. I’m certain I'd get a gaggle of ‘em circling, ready to beat my post-hernia-op, 39 yr. old body to a pulp. So to prevent that from ever happening I keep my head down when I walk by the dorm from late August to early May. Oh, and I also dress accordingly. Call me a p*ssy. I call it self preservation. 

[Weekend Casual Unassuming Outfit]






Total cost = $44.18 (and your testicles intact)

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Sunday, August 29, 2010

BITCH PLEASE


Posh Pet has once again pioneered the art of uber-pampering dogs.  Now for your precious pooch’s birthday you can do more than a rhinestone collar or a doggie hoodie. Celebrate the milestone with a Pink Dog Bone Birthday Cake.  

For only $59.99 choose from 1 of 3 doggie decadent flavors – apple oatmeal, carob chip, or oatmeal banana. Each 9.5” cake is made with wholesome ingredients like unbromated white flour, fresh fruit, and yogurt. Click here to fetch. 

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GUESS WHAT SONG I MASSACRED IN THE SHOWER THIS MORNING



Hint: I’m tone deaf and I just started watching GLEE.

Beyoncé - Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)
Found at skreemr.org

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Saturday, August 28, 2010

[G-RATED] VIBRATOR DEAL OF THE DAY



CUTE LOVE APPLE. The true forbidden fruit. You can either rub it over your hoo-hah (female private area) OR, you can remove a long slice and shove it in your hoo-hah (female private area). Costs only $6.77 and is powered by 4 x LR44 (watch) batteries. Discreet Novelty gives CUTE LOVE APPLE a four star rating, but don’t take their word for it...check out what these loyal customers had to say.


August 28, 2010 9:22 PM
Goldie said…
My apple has been there for me ever since my Morty died (God rest his soul).




August 28, 2010 9:44 PM
Saul said…
I’ve become the most popular gentleman caller at Whispering Pines.

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IF YOU’RE A FAN OF MENSTRUATING MAY I SUGGEST…



…That I shut my smart-ass, guy mouth up? To be honest, I was really targeting my post to the .000002% of women on this planet that absolutely LOVE Aunt Flow’s monthly visits (thank you very much).  For them I have two can’t miss collectibles.

  • Mouse pad shaped to look like a sanitary towel.
  • Non-slip rubber bottom.
  • Perfect gift for that special someone who loves to menstrate.
  • Size: 270mm (L) * 190mm (W)
  • Color: Maxi pad ivory



Apparently making slippers from maxi pads are all the rage.  These two are…
  • Soft and Hygienic.
  • Made with Non-slip grip.
  • Disposable and biodegradable.
  • Environmentally safe.
Available for $12.99 on ebay. Click here for more info.

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Friday, August 27, 2010

IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING I WOULD MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO A DEAD GUY.


Now obviously this is NOT something I’d do on a whim. Money would be the driving force behind this deadly deed. I’d say somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 to 5 million. Of course I would have some stipulations for my benefactor – 22 of ‘em to be exact. No wait, 24, which are as follows:

1-I will not have sex with a recently deceased person (too emotional).

2-If the bet requires me to make love to a dude I'd want him to be dead for at least 18 years (he’d be mostly rotted away so I’d have more orifice options).

3-No underage dead person.

4-The corpse should be shorter than me (I don’t like making love to tall people, case closed).

5-I want the money in cash.

6-I refuse to make love in grave dirt.

7-If you do videotape the event I’d prefer you upload it to AOL video instead of youtube (less of chance of being seen by someone I know).

8-I’d prefer to be on top (but if not I can deal with it).

9-I’d like an opportunity to get good and liquored up before the event (your treat).

10-I want to be able to keep my clothes on.

11-If we are making love in a room I’d like the lights to be off.

12-If you must invite friends to watch I’d prefer no more than 6.

13-I’d want to use a condom.

14-I will need a blindfold of some kind.

15-You will need to stock the room with aroma candles (I like the scent Autumn breeze or Day At The Beach).

16-Noseplugs are a must.

17-I’d like the TV on in the background playing Smallville season 4 episode 6 (not revealing my reason).

18-I’d like to make love on silk sheets (not up for discussion).

19-Kissing will cost you an extra 15 grand.

20-I’d prefer to make love in a beachfront hotel somewhere in the Caribbean.

21-I'd require an extra 50 grand if you want me to climax.

22-The act will be no longer than 6 minutes (1 grand for every minute I go over).

23-If I have erection issues please be understanding.

24-$500 extra for every photograph snapped (and they must ONLY be in B&W or sepia).

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Thursday, August 26, 2010

6 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT PEYOTE.


1-The classic way to ingest Peyote is to take a disc shaped button from the crown of the plant, dry it, and then pop it in your mouth.

2- Eating 12 to 15 buttons will get you wacked out of your skull.


3-Actor Kevin Dillon has tripped on Peyote in the show Entourage and The Doors movie.


4-Technically Peyote is legal in most states since certain religious groups (not naming any names) claim the drug is needed for certain tribal ceremonies. 



5-The first use of Peyote dates back to around 3780 B.C.


6-In the game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas you have the opportunity to go on a Peyote safari.


            

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

HOTTEST FEMALE CHESS PLAYERS OF ALL TIME


Racked my brain trying to think of a funny quip about a pawn, horsey piece, and queen, but came up with nothing. Anyhow, here are the hottest chess ladies I’d pick to be my checkmates. 

Natalia Zhukova (born June 5, 1979 in Germany)
Career highlights:
- Represented the Ukraine for 6 straight years in the Chess Olympics.
- Won the Groningen Women’s Festival in 1998.
FDIE peak rating: 2499 (I assume that’s good)


Susan Polgar (born April 19, 1969 in Hungary)
Career highlights:
- Top ranking chess player at the tender age of 15.
- Women’s World Chess Champion from 1996 to 1999.
FDIE peak rating: 2577


Monika Soćko (born March 24, 1978 in Warsaw)
Career Highlights:
- Won the Arctic Chess Challenge in 2009.
- Took the bronze at the European Chess Championship.
FDIE peak rating: 2505


Antoaneta Stefanova (born April 19, 1979 in Bulgaria)
Career Highlights:
- Became a Sofia champion at age 7.
- Top 10 world ranked chess player in 1997.
FDIE peak rating: 2560

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AND IN RETIREMENT COMMUNITY NEWS…

The 2010 Wii Bowling league season is in full swing. And so far Conference 4 has been the division to watch. Veteran teams like The C-S Pin Crushers and Wii Are The Winners are back and bringin’ on the heat. Though it seems like the dark horse team The Dynomite Menthuenites (from Methuen Village) have surprised everyone by taking the lead with just 45 strikes. 


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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

WIN SIXTY BUCKS THE SEMI-HARD WAY



I’m not saying if I ever successfully attempted this grift back in November of ’98. And I certainly wouldn’t tell you if I only made $22. But what I will disclose is how to up that pot by $38. And how to complete the DOGGIE MAKEOUT BET with minimal mental scarring.


What you need:

  • Big friendly dog (small ones bite)
  • Peanut butter
  • 8 friends
  • Case of beer (domestic)
  • Chloraseptic spray
  • Ice cube


What to do:
Step 1. Get your friends nice and liquored up before going out to the bars (that way you'll know they'll have cash).

Step 2. When the moment is right leave the room and dab some peanut butter on your lips.

Step 3. When you appear back in the room the dog will be all over you trying to get to the peanut butter. Patiently wait ‘til 3 or more friends make the classic “get a room you two” comment.

Step 4. Announce to the room that you will makeout with the dog for 20 seconds for no less than 60 bucks.





Step 5. After all the money is on the table say you need to go to the bathroom to mentally prepare. Once the door is closed quickly down a can of beer. Then spray Chloraseptic (a known numbing agent) all over your tongue and mouth.

Step 6. Rub an ice cube (you stole from the freezer) all over your lips to further ensure you will have little to no feeling in that area. 

Step 7. Enter the room and grab the dog’s snout to gain control of the situation.

Step 8. Proceed to tongue the dog. The numbness should dull the physical and mental pain of the task at hand.

Step 9. Collect 60 bucks from shocked friends! Cha-ching!

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