Friday, April 16, 2010

THE ONLY TIME IT’S OK TO PICK YOUR NOSE AND EAT IT.

Ok. I’ll admit it. On occasion I do clean house with the ol’ pointer finger. Look, there are some times the tissue ain’t gonna cut it. Now I know what logical questions are floating around in your brain matter, and it’s a resounding “NO!” I do not eat or fling my boogers. I simply dispose of them in a tissue, on a post-it, or flick it in the toilet. [A flick is way different than a fling.] Anyway, the last time I did the digging deed it got me thinking­ – When would it be socially acceptable to pick your nose and eat your snot?

Can’t be the whole desert island thing. Snot has no nutrients that could sustain life for any amount of time.

AS a kid you could do the pick and eat, but it is frowned upon by the adult world.

This quandary has really been a toughie that has plagued me for quite sometime, that is until now.


PRELUDE TO THE PICK & EAT.

Imagine you have a really bad cold. Your head is achy. You have a nagging cough. You’re always sneezing. And yes, you have a constant stuffy nose.

Now also imagine that you did something bad to piss off a couple of former Soviet KGB agents. I use those guys because I feel like they would be most creative with their tortures. Plus they know how to hold a grudge.




PICK & EAT IS ALMOST A GO.

One last imagination part. You wake up in a clear Lucite box that is upright. You were obviously drugged and placed in it by the angry KGB guys. This plastic prison barely has enough space to contain you. Your hands are jammed up near your face. The good news is there are small pinholes in the box right over your head for oxygen. The bad news is there's a bigger hole by your feet. In that hole the former KGB have placed a hose that they have turned on. The box is now filling up with water ‘til it is just above your mouth. Your nose is still in the open air.


NO MORE STALLING, HERE IS THE PICKING AND EATING PART.

The KGB men have now left you. [They went down the street to a restaurant for bowls of borscht.] So you are left alone and expected to die. UNLESS. The only way you can survive is to clear that stuffy nose. So you will need to pick it. And since your hands can barely move it will make it hard to fling the boogers. Plus, you can't afford to let valuable seconds tick away. Your nose will get stuffed up again, making it impossible to breath. SO YES, THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE WOULD BE TO PICK YOUR NOSE AND EAT IT.

I dare you to find holes in that logic.



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10 comments:

  1. Oh Jes, when you said it was gonna be gross, you weren't kidding. I am totally nauseated right now. But in a good way. And to think, you're my favorite blogger, says a lot about me, huh? See you by the pool later, leave the boogaz behind. Where do you come up with this stuff, and why did Ian have to be first and not even leave a real comment?

    FourthGradeNothing.com

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  2. Forget the previous comment....this one line is almost as good as the Barbicide LMAO


    Ok. I’ll admit it. On occasion I do clean house with the ol’ pointer finger. Look, there are some times the tissue ain’t gonna cut it.

    I do that shit too. All the time.

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  3. This simultaneously grossed me out and made me laugh! Great job.

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  4. Sorry if this goes through 2x, having some tech difficulties, but just wanted to say this post both made me laugh and grossed me out--awesome!

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  5. this is NOT gross.... i don't EAT my boogers or snot or any of that stuff, but somehow i ALWAYS manage to bring up the most DISGUSTING topics during dinner.

    don't believe me? ask poor Pat, who is usually the one to bring it to everyone's attention that i've somehow managed to bring up something HIGHLY disturbing when everyone is trying to enjoy their meal.

    i LOVED it! =)

    am i gross?

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  6. I can honestly say I hope it never comes to that.

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  7. Trying not to gag here and laugh at the same time. My 2yr old grandson picks it and then smears it on the wall by his bed. That's when he's in bed. The rest of the time he eats it or shows it off as a found treasure. Only a two year old should be allowed to do that, but it's still soooooooooo grossssssssssssssssss.

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  8. Can I choose the other route and bite the bullet? LOL. I am scared of what could be up there.

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  9. I love the way your mind works. Can we be friends in real life? We can hang out in my club house and eat fluffernutters.

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