FUNKY FLASH STUFF: THE VIRTUAL DRESSING ROOM

Ladies! Here’s your chance to play virtual dress up while checking out the hottest swimwear fashion styles. Guys! Here’s your chance to get your rocks off playing virtual dress up with a hot, manga-ish chick. Win, win for both sexes courtesy of dressupgal.com.

LISTEN TO OLD SCHOOL, FOOL!

Today’s pick: THE TEARS OF A CLOWN

Artist: SMOKEY ROBINSON & THE MIRACLES

Year: 1967

Album: Make it Happen

Genre: Motown

Interesting stuff:

- #1 hit on the Pop and R&B charts.

- In the song Robinson compares himself to the tragic clown from the opera, Pagliacci.

	Smokey Robinson & The Miracles - The Tears Of A Clown
	Found at skreemr.org

A SNOBBY NEW YORKER’S GUIDE TO MAKING BATHTUB GIN.

The wife and I were invited to a Memorial Day BBQ yesterday out in Long Island. Of course we couldn’t come empty handed so we brought cupcakes from a Crumbs (NY gourmet bakery). Other people brought fancy cakes, microbrews, and ambrosia (fruit salad for snooty people). Like all decent, NY democrats we discussed finance, world issues, and how sad life is in the red states. We even imagined what a red state BBQ might be like. A party filled with NASCAR paper products, roadkilled critters on the grill, and domestic beers in cans. I looked over at my scrumptious, expensive cupcakes and wondered if they’d be accepted at a Red State BBQ. I assumed no, and that I’d probably have to bring my own version of Bathtub Gin. That's the popular red state wine made of Juniper berries and crap alcohol – mixed in a bathtub. Here’s how my vintage differs.

Ingredients:

- Ceramic bathtub

- Organic fruit wedges (lime, lemon, oranges, etc.)

- 1 bag of shaved ice

- Hennessy Brandy

- 3-4 bottles of 2005 Chateau Cambon la Pelouse (red wine to you red staters)

Instructions:

Have housekeeper clean the tub. Next, add the wine, fruit, and ice. Stir everything while adding 8 shots of brandy. Let the mixture sit for 2 hours. After, bottle your precocious blend in fine Baccarat Crystal. Decorating with a silk, burgundy bow is optional. 
You're welcome.

YOU WILL BELIEVE A NUN CAN KICK ASS

SISTER ANNE - An animated series 20ish years in the making. Coming to the small screen this 2011. God willing. If we play our cards right.


Artist / Creator - Brian Clark
Writer - Jesse Cohen

10 BELIEVABLE, LAST SECOND EXCUSES TO GET OUT OF GOING TO A MEMORIAL DAY BBQ.

Look, sometimes we over extend ourselves on these holiday weekends. You get invited to like 4 or 5 BBQs in the span of 3 days. Some you wanna go to, and others well, not so much. Of course you simply just can’t cancel. That’s barbaric. You need a legitimate excuse that does 2 things…

- Totally makes the BBQ hosts think you’re doing the right thing not coming

- Is not too severe of a lie (human death, human sickness) that you jinx yourself or your family.

So here are my top 10 excuses, use ‘em in good health.

1- Pipes burst in your house.

2- Dog ate something toxic so you need to go to the vet.

3- In-laws paid a surprise visit.

4- Minor fire in the kitchen.

5- House next door was robbed and cops are questioning people in the neighborhood.

6- Tree fell and hit power-lines near your home so you need to wait for the local power company.

7- Dog ran away.

8- Smoke is coming from your neighbor’s house and since they’re not home you need to call (and deal) with the firemen.

9- Friend stopped by who just found out his wife cheated on him.

10- Dog brought a skunk in your house.

SEXTS OF THE DAY

TDTM – Talk dirty to me

   TMIY – Take me I’m yours



      DFK – Deep French kissing



      DDG – Drop dead gorgeous

HEMP-TASTIC CANDY

Not sure of a dessert to bring to the Memorial Day BBQ you’ve been invited to? How 'bout a bunch of Hemp suckers? Lollipops made from wholesome marijuana plants. Available in 4 yummy flavors – Cola, Citrus, Cherry, and classic Hemp. This cannabis candy will run you just $9.95 a dozen @ Hempcandy.com. Slightly less than a dime bag.

FREE SEXUAL ROLE-PLAYING SCRIPT

My main problem with role-play costumes are they don’t come with situational instructions. You’re supposed to put on the outfit and just magically know what to say. And you know you can't just say any ol’ thing. It’s got to be witty, laced with sexual innuendo. And I'm not even going to get into stage direction. 

FREE SOLUTION FOR YOU

As luck would have it I'm a professional writer. Yes, being a food copywriter counts (in my mind). So I took a stab at a sexual role-play script. Use it if you want or not. I won’t be offended. FYI…above naughty student costume available at Discreet Novelty.


Cast: 

- COLLEGE PROFESSOR

- SLUTTY CHICK DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET AN A

Suggestion: If you have the acting chops try playing the professor role with an English accent.

Set-up: Professor is sitting at the desk, slutty student enters the room

SCRIPT

Professor: Aah Candy. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?

Candy: (worried) Oh professor.

Professor: Please, call me Bill.

Candy: Oh professor Bill, I was wondering if you had graded our final papers yet.

Professor: I have indeed.

Candy: And?

Professor: I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you off hours, but I’m afraid you got a C minus.

Candy: C minus? But I needed at least a B plus to pass the course.

Professor: I realize that. But I didn’t think the work merited anything higher.

Candy: Oh professor, I can’t fail this class. If I do, I won’t be able to graduate. Isn’t there anything I can do? Extra credit? (starts to pout)

[Candy unbuttons her shirt to reveal her bra and leans in]

Professor: Ah, well yes, perhaps I know of one service you can perform. It will give us both the raise we need.

[Candy understands perfectly and starts to undo the professor’s pants]

Scene ends and the ecstasy begins.

P.S. Script will also work for same sex couples.

ASK A SEXY BARTENDER

Q: What’s a standard tip for a round of 4 drinks at a local bar?

A: First round tip me $10. Then tip how you normally would. By the end of the night I'll make sure the last round will be on me.

BORED? CHECK OUT THE CONDIMENT PACKET EXHIBIT.

100 packets on display for you 24/7 at condiment.portablefolkband.com. Featuring the classics like ketchup, mustard, mayo and relish. Plus, some up and coming condiments – sweet honey, green pepper sauce, and fancy ketchup. Here are my personal packet picks.

SO WILL I DIE IF I DOWN A WHOLE TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE?

Yes, the "powers that be" have given me the day off today for good behavior. Whooo hooo. Of course the one bad part is my wife can’t share in my merriment. She has to work. So what will I do to occupy my time? Here’s what’s on the menu today…

• Go for a run (10 minutes worth)
• Eat something REALLY bad for lunch
• Surf porn
• Watch a cheesy action movie
• Surf porn
• Questions the great mysteries of life

I won’t bore you with 1 through 5. Instead I’ll skip right to 6. Today’s GREAT MYSTERY that has entered my brain is (drum roll please) …

WILL I DIE IF I EAT A WHOLE TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE?

Now I’m sure everyone in the blogosphere has accidentally swallowed the white stuff every now and then. Totally nasty. So what if I saw past the pain and squeezed that whole tube in my mouth? Would it be death by minty freshness?

HERE'S WHAT I FOUND...

99% of the “answer” sites I looked at said basically the same thing. Eating toothpaste is bad, and you should call poison control immediately. LAME!  That tells me squat. But fear not, 2 sites did dish the dirt. YES, YOU WILL DIE! Well, yes, depending on how much you weigh. Apparently if you don’t have enough body weight you’d die of [get this] – Fluoride poisoning.  Another site made a bolder statement saying that a tube of fluoride is almost as poisonous as arsenic. Not sure I believe that, or the fact that toothpaste also contains Sodium lauryl sulfate which might (or might not) cause diarrhea. Happy Friday!

WICKED ASS LUCHA LIBRE MASK

Lucha Libre means free style wrestling in Spanish. A popular form of entertainment found in Mexico. From 3.5 minutes of Googling I found the main difference from the WWE is that a Lucha Libre wears a silly mask. This one is made of 100% lycra and can be yours for only $34.99 @ Amazon.

SO DOES IT PAY TO BE GOOFY?

You make the call.

GOOFY PROs

• The ability to brighten a child’s day
• Highly respected position at Disney World / Land
• Lose weight wearing bulky costume in the sweltering sun
• Job can lead to higher positions within the Disney corporation
• Flirting with MILFs without the dad figuring it out

GOOFY CONs

• Cranky kids
• Make $10 - $12 an hr.
• Goofy head weighs 25lbs
• Walking around in a bulky costume in the sweltering sun
• Lots of training needed
• Crappy way to die

HOW TO MAKE A CRAPPY AIR CONDITIONER FOR ONLY $10

That was a title of an internet post I read…minus the "crappy" part. And I fell for it hook, line, and sinker – basically ‘cause I had no other options. Let me back up a bit. The year was 2002. I was 31, and living in a walk-up sliver of a building in NYC. Seriously sh*tty conditions for a mere $1200 a month. Just to give you an idea, a studio in a Bronx crack den would’ve run me around $1150 a month. So you realize what kind of bargain I got. Anyway, this particular summer was HOT AS BALLS. The NBC weatherman’s words, not mine. And the best part was the air conditioner that came with the apartment DIED. It made noise really well, but did nothing else.  I couldn’t replace it ‘cause I had like zero cash. I was spending all my money on my bargain rent. Which brings me back to the internet post. I had nothing left to lose, so I tried it. I BUILT MYSELF A CRAPPY AIR CONDITIONER FOR ONLY $10. And now I am passing on this treasured piece of wisdom to you all.

Supplies:

- Styrofoam cooler

- tinfoil tray

- 3 bags of ice

- small fan

- tape

- nightstand

- coffee can

- pencil


Instructions:

Step 1. Turn the cooler on its side and tape it to the nightstand by your bed.

Step 2. Use the coffee can to trace a circle in the middle of the backside of the cooler (now facing your bed).

Step 3. Poke as many holes as you can inside that circled area.

Step 4. When you are ready to sleep pour 1 bag of ice into the tinfoil tray and add a cup of water (use the other bags for refills).

Step 5. Place the tray behind the Styrofoam cooler.

Step 6. Position the fan behind the tray.

Step 7. Turn on the fan.

Step 8. Sleep in cool comfort. (see below visual for reference)

SO DOES IT WORK? Not really. Ok, maybe for about 3 minutes. But in my case I did 2 stupid things that screwed up my cheapo air conditioner. First, the fan I had was way too big. Second, I didn’t add enough ice. Not saying if you do it the right way it’d work perfectly. But hey, this AC costs only 10 bucks, so what do you have to lose. 

KNOW YOUR PRISON TERMS

STICK (v.)

The act of stabbing an inmate with a shank (homemade weapon).

Example of a shank:

SPECTACULAR SPANX OF THE DAY

Oprah is crazy about her Spanx. Oprah! Can’t get a much better recommendation than that – except maybe Jesus. But I bet even the son of God couldn't resist these yummy power panties. Each one is made of 100% nylon and offers firm control for the high waist, bust, tummy, and mid-thigh. Oh, and no visible panty lines! Only $38 @ Amazon.

CAN’T MISS, MONEY MAKING, PORN WEBSITE IDEA FOR YOU

Anyone who wants my stroke of brilliance is welcome to it. Truth be told I actually came up with this idea before the internet was even created – summer of 1992. Since then I’ve never seen it done. So if anyone in the blogosphere has the capital and the know-how, give me a holla. Now onto to my revolutionary, porno-riffic idea.

BEAR-SIC INSTINCT

Yeah, it is somewhat related to the steamy “Michael Douglas / Sharon Stone” thriller BASIC INSTINCT. However my version uses stuffed animals (teddy bears) in those erotic situations. For just $10.99 a month people would gain access to all kinds of plush animals doing unspeakable acts. Think erotic Muppets. That’s pretty much it.

PROs of BEAR-SIC INSTINCT:

- Low start up costs

- No actors /actresses

- No chance of being sued for offensive material

- No chance of anyone being underage

CONs:

None that I can think of off the top of my head.

If you need further incentive, here are some crude, yet accurate potential site visuals.

THE UNAUTHORIZED HISTORY OF HUMP DAY

FYI…BOYCHICK IS NOT A LADYBOY

LADYBOY: refers to a male-to-female transgendered person of Asian descent.

BOYCHICK: a Yiddish term that means loving son.

Now you know.

A QUICK FIX FOR PEE DRIBBLE ON THE PANTS.

As I get older I’m finding my post shake and pee accuracy are a wee bit off. Now I don’t really care if I piss all over my leg at home, but at work – that’s a problem. How can I be the #1 go to guy at the office if I can’t handle going #1. In case you find yourself in a similar situation here’s a quick solve.

Step 1. After you piss yourself check to see if you are all alone.

Step 2. Now assess the dribble.

Step 3. If it’s small and high up, simply untuck your shirt to cover the stain.

Step 4. If it’s bad go immediately to the sink.

Step 5. Splash water all around the stain and on your shirt too.

Step 6. Walk out of the bathroom and angrily say this to coworkers …

"UGH! SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY FIX THE SINK IN THAT BATHROOM! I’M SOAKED!"

Step 7. Before people can question the situation run into your office and shut the door.

Step 8. Celebrate a job well done.

6 QUESTIONS FOR A PHONE SEX OPERATOR

Being in the ad industry you deal mostly with actors of the C&D class. Thespians that are constantly hustling for gigs that unfortunately can’t afford to quit their day jobs. My specialty is radio commercials. So I’ve dealt with a fair number of voiceover talent. Like the TV commercial actors they too have the usual day jobs like waiters, sub teachers, and sales people. Of course their vocal talents offer 'em the ability to do some not so usual gigs like yes, phone sex operators. Thanks to an extra long record session I got to talk to one such talent. Here’s what I got from my mini-Q&A session. 


1- So what does the average phone sex operator make? Depends on the experience and the company you work for. It could be anywhere from $10 – $20 an hour.

2- Are there any special requirements? Landline phone, a voice, and a very, very open mind.

3 - So how do you find a decent phone sex place to work for? Googling companies is how I first did it. Then I'd check 'em out on the Better Business Bureau's site to see if the company is legit. Or just head over to Boulevard Entertainment. One of the top players in the phone sex biz. 

4 - Can't you just go into biz for yourself? I tried and it’s pretty tough. Like any talent in the porn industry you’re up against stiff competition (sorry). I used to scan chat rooms, and forums for potential clients, but I never got enough to make it worth it.


5- Any interesting facts you’ve learned from the biz? I know that the average straight porn call lasts around 8-10 minutes. While the average gay porn conversations usually end up around 20 minutes. No joke. Got a buddy that does it.

6 - Any parting words of wisdom you’d give to aspiring phone sex talent? NEVER GIVE OUT EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF PERSONAL INFO. ABOUT YOURSELF. With sites like Facebook and Twitter it’s VERY easy for your clients to stalk you, and cause real problems in your personal life.   

MEMORIAL DAY WIENER PICK

Sorry God, but Oscar Mayer® might have trumped you with this invention. A plump, juicy hot dog injected with creamy Kraft® cheese. Delish, and only 140 calories!!!

DOLLYWOOD RIDE NAME LEAVES A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH.

Kinda wish I had the opportunity to sit in this “ride naming” brainstorm. It's not that I don’t like BEAVER CREEK mind you. It is down home, and folksy – pure Dolly. My only criticism would be is I’m not quite sure the 18-24 demographic would see it that way. I just have this wild hunch that  “I’VE SWAM IN BEAVER CREEK” tshirts would be snatched up faster than morning dew on a snake's belly [sad attempt at Dolly-speak]. Dirty name aside, it does sound like a fun time for the kiddies based on the Dollywood description …

Little loggers-in-training will love wading into the ripples of Beaver Creek where they can soak their toes and soak up good times.  This lazy little stream is filled with big fun--and maybe a "beaver" or two!

BLOW OFF WORK TODAY AND GET YOUR ASS ON A REALITY SHOW.

Realitywanted.com has like a zillion casting opportunities for r-shows (like below) every day. Play your cards right for the camera and you could be the next Richard Hatch (minus the tax evasion and jail time). Click on each show name for more information.

Show: ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME  

Who are the producers looking for?

• An attractive male with a great personality 
• 
21-25 years

• Can be compared to Ferris Bueller or Penn Badgley of "Gossip Girl" Fame…you fit in wherever you go. 
• A college graduate (or about to graduate)

Casting Location: Any city

CASTING ENDS TODAY!!!!

Show: ABC's EXTREME WEIGHT LOSS SHOW

Who are the producers looking for?

Contestants who Are 200lbs+

Casting Location: Any city

Casting end date: 6/11/10

Show: Gigantic! Production's MAKEOVER SHOW

Who are the producers looking for?

Individuals who have recently experienced a personal hardship who might benefit from a fresh new appearance.

Casting Location: Any city

Casting end date: 5/26/10

Show: CONFRONTING THE IN-LAWS

Who are the producers looking for?

Individuals forced to be living with the in-laws.

Casting Location: Any city

Casting end date: 5/26/10

F*CKED UP FLASH GAME OF THE DAY

Name: ACNE BE GONE

Level of play: Easy

Type: Race against the clock

NWM Rating: 4 stars

No offense ladies, but us guys kick ass when it comes to zit popping. A skill earned from those painful adolescent years squeezing puss filled whiteheads in front of a mirror. What’d you gals have to deal with? Menstruating for the first time. PLEEAAASSSEE!!! As you'll see this is way tougher, and much more addictive. 

Start popping now!

 
Play More Free Games

FREE FOR YOU: LAME LOST SERIES FINALE COLLECTIBLE

Just something I whipped up special for all you Lost fans out there. Once put together I can guarantee (with 42% certainty) it will make a handsome addition to any Lost collection, or the perfect holiday gift for that Lost fan on your list. Oh, and if you do sell it on ebay, all I ask for is a 10% cut. 

Instructions:

Step 1. Print out tally sheet and Lost character cards.

Step 2. Cut out the character cards.

Step 3. When a person gets killed simply tape or glue the card to the corresponding space on the tally sheet.

Step 4. Tape (or glue) the remaining characters to the final 2 spaces.

Step 5. Sign and date the sheet. 

Step 6. Enjoy for years to come. 

LOST character cards