PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! TELL ME HOW I CAN GO TO HELL.

If you say rape a kitten or eat a baby snow seal – that’s not the hell I’m referring to. It’s called HELL.COM. Above is a visual of the homepage. What is it? No F---ing clue. All I do know is it’s an uber-restricted site. If you roll your cursor over the homepage a flash occurs and then it reads NO ACCESS. That’s it. The mystery surrounding HELL.COM has been featured on CNN, NY Times, and the UK Guardian. Each report has offered up their own theories. Heavy metal fan site? A virtual lair for an evil organization? A hacker's hideout? Porn?

The only piece of info that was leaked about the site came in 2007 from the now defunct Sweet.cucumber.com They claimed that HELL.COM is a place for Net-artists to hang and create art. Unfortunately they had no proof to support that claim. But if it is true then someone PLEASE answer these questions for me…

- How do you register?

- Do you need to get an invite?

- How long has the site been up? (wiki says it's been around since '95)

- How do the artists create art on the site?

- Do they sell their art on tshirts or coffee mugs?

The only other clue I’ll leave you with is this video of HELL.COM I found on youtube. Again, I have no idea if this is real or fake.

ALLOW ME TO REVEAL WHAT MAKES ME THE BIGGEST WIMP ON THE PLANET.

I have read ‘bout a zillion personal blogs in the past year. All really good stuff. Yet I can still say without a doubt that I have actually blogged about something you won’t read anywhere else. I make this claim ‘cause I know no one would waste their keyboard strokes on a topic so pathetic. Most personal bloggers devote their creative energies to venting about something meaningful. Talking about their kid. Speaking of an achievement. Goofing on work, or whatever. I’m not saying that what I have to say is any better. Far from it. I’m just saying you will never read a blogger BRAGGING ABOUT HOW HE OR SHE HAS NO PAIR OF MATZO BALLS (cajones). Well allow me to break that baby-barrier today. For I have truly elevated wimpiness to an art form. And here is my prime example. 

Let’s say I’m at a bar shooting pool with my friends.

All the sudden it’s my turn.

Now I have a totally easy shot.

However the problem is a couple is standing right where I have to shoot. Here’s where the uber-wimpy part comes in.

 First, I’ll go right behind the couple (never making eye contact) and in a barely audible voice softly say, “Oops, I mean, I er need to, um…well, er.”

That almost always accomplishes nothing. So rather than growing a set and tapping one of ‘em on the shoulder, I usually do one of 2 things…

Try to wedge in between the couple and the table and make the shot with no room…

OR I’ll shoot from another angle and miss completely.

To me, it doesn’t get any more wimpy than that. Does it? You tell me if you can beat it.   

6 THINGS I'M 72.8% SURE YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE JAWS OF LIFE.

JAWS OF LIFE

Definition: Hydraulic spreader-cutters used to free people from their vehicles in severe auto accidents. 

#1- The Jaws of Life was developed in the 1960s by the company Hurst Performance.

#2- J.A.W.s is derived from the initials of the co-inventor Jack Allen Watson.

#3- The nickname/phrase “Jaws of Life” was based on people saying the spreaders saved them from the Jaws of Death. 

#4- The spreader weighs around 49lbs, yet it can spread up to 44,000 lbs. of weight.

#5- The average price for JOL spreaders are around $3000 and up.

#6- The Jaws of Life is also the name of a punk/thrash/metal band from Quebec, Canada.

BONUS facts:

In 1975 the movie Jaws won Oscars for Best Film Editing, Best Musical Score, and Best Sound Mixing.

My Aunt Gert (God rest her soul) could extend her jaw an extra 3 inches to make consumption easier at “all you can eat” buffets.

DID IT JUST GET AWKWARD IN HERE?

I remember when I was a kid I’d always play at my friend Billy Fessner's house. It was the obvious choice. He had the bigger basement. Plus he owned way more Star War® figures than I did (including the Millennium Falcon). My only problems with his house were these 2 things:

• The odor (smelled like maple syrup & NyQuil mixed w/ cat poo)
• The big ass freaky family portrait above their mantle.

I guess the latter needs a bit more explanation. It was one of those classic 70s Sears® portraits. You know the ones with a stone-faced family dressed to the 5s, set against a weird, blue-ish globular background. They all looked possessed and it freaked the crap out of me. For years that horrific image has scarred my brain. And I promised, nay, swore to myself that if I was ever blessed with a family I would never, ever force them to create what I felt was the worst portrait ever. As you can see by the above image I most definitely was wrong. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg at Awkwardfamilyphotos.com. A site that collects oodles of these types of bizarre beauties. Organized in such whimsical categories as old people, Saturday Night Special, and pregnancy. They also have an awkward pet site. Plus AFP even has a store where you can add your favorite awkwardness on a mug or tshirt, or collect 'em all in a handsome bound coffee table book (for only 10ish bucks). Here's just a smidge of the F'd-up-ness waiting for you.

WHO SAID IT: MOSES, MICKEY ROURKE, OR JUSTIN BIEBER?

The game is simple. Read the quote and figure out who said it. To find out the answer just click on the quote. It will be linked to the correct person.

Please Note: No cash prizes will be awarded in this round.

1- It was hard to take my eyes off of her because she's so gorgeous.

2- So I told you, but you would not listen.

3- She should be honest, loving and trustworthy. 

4- I always knew I'd accomplish something very special. 

5- I have become an alien in a foreign land.

TODAY MY BLOG TURNS 1

EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS I LEARNED FROM HAIR METAL.

Baby, don't treat me bad.
Well, this could be the best thing that you'll ever have.
Baby, don't treat me bad.
(Well) you can do anything, but baby, don't treat me bad.
Oh, don't treat me bad.


- Firehouse (1990)

6 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT EROTIC ASPHYXIATION

Definition (courtesy of Wiki): The intentional restriction of oxygen to the brain for sexual arousal.

#1- This sexual act has been nicknamed THE GASPER.

#2- The practice of erotic asphyxiation began in the early 1600s.

#3- Historians feel this probably originated as a result of erections (or ejaculated residue) being discovered on the dead bodies after public hangings.

#4- 250 to 1000 people die each year in the US from this sexual act.

#5- Scandinavia and Germany also lead the way with erotic asphyxiation fatalities.

#6- White males (12-25) are the target most likely to engage in this sort of deviant practice.

SO WHAT ARE THOSE CRAZY WHITE PEOPLE DOING ON YOUTUBE NOW?

Watch a crazy white person go from Olympic hopeful to hoping to survive a deadly faceplant. It's piss-your-pants, awesome fun.

I’M HUNG LIKE A JEW AND I’VE MADE MY PEACE WITH THAT.

I’m not going to say if that’s good or bad. If you’re that curious ask some other member of our tribe for clarification. All I can say is once you go Jewish…you go retail. [ba-dump-bump-chhh] Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses.

Truthfully, I don’t think this bothers guys as much women thinks it does. But then again I always think women are caught up about breast size. So I guess we’re even. But for argument sake lets say women do have that “small breasts” hang-up. Well thanks to a male dominated society they have tons of options. Padded bras. A zillion different types of breast implants. Lactating boobs. Creams. A whole mess of crap. What do guys have? A weird looking pump contraption, medieval surgery, or shoving a sock down your pants. Not the best choices…until now. Calvin has proved once again why he’s the king of bi-curious sexually charged adolescents. His creation – CK padded Jeans (CK Body). Sure they look like regular fashion forward pants. But this pair comes with something extra – a reinforced fly and contrast stiching. Apparently that literally creates the bulge by itself, plus the colors add to the um special effect (see below). So no big junk or extra sock needed. One pair goes for $79.50. A small price to pay for a big show for all to see. Mazel Tov!

MENSTRUATING BARBIE AND 3 OTHER TALES OF TORTURE

Credit (for period Barbie) goes to a visionary from the Czech republic. He (I assume) literally drilled a hole in Barbie’s private area and filled her up with red Campari (wine). No word on what outfit he had her wear first.

LIGHTING BARBIE ON FIRE: I admit this is no more twisted than shooting squirrels. However the way Ms. Platinum Perfect blazes up gets points for originality. These pranksters added a fuse to her body to make Babs a living time bomb. Looks pretty F--ing cool. Though it didn’t do as much damage as I thought. Darn!

SHOVING BARBIE IN A BLENDER: Title might say it all, but you should still give it a viewing. Very impressed with the song selection. Helps add to the tension as B gets blended to death.

MAKING BARBIE DO PORN: FYI…Ken is not her leading man in this production. GASP! Could it be Skipper?

FYI…THIS MOVIE WILL NEVER BE RE-RELEASED IN 3D

Nothing personal against this flick. I actually paid to rent it back in well...a very long time ago. Stallone was so-so in this comedy. Estelle didn’t really shine like in Golden Girls. Though all-in-all it was watchable. I’m just not convinced this is 3D worthy. Thoughts?

NOT AS BAD AS THE OIL SPILL, BUT A CLOSE SECOND.

Ok, maybe it’s more of a distant second or a close third. Either way it's a problem that I feel is certainly rant-worthy. It’s called Word Verification or CAPTCHA (Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart).

Hmmm…ok, sorry, but before I continue let me give this some honest thought. Where would I place this problem on the current evils of the world list? All right, done giving it thought. Here’s how I netted out.

#1- Disease

#2- Accidents (oil spills, tank explosions, etc.)

#3- Acts of God (hurricanes, earthquakes)

#4- Hate Crimes

#5- Bosnian kids (something always sux with them)

#6-Unemployment

#7- CAPTCHA

#8- global warming

Sorry about that. Now I can continue. Where was I? Oh right CAPTCHA. I think in this day and age our time is so valued. So why the hell would bloggers subject us to this atrocity? I mean I take time out of my workday to read your blogs. I laugh. I cry. I’m genuinely moved. So I write a comment (almost always positive). And then I’m off to read another blog or something equally as rewarding. Oh wait. No I’m not! A few bad apples still have that Word Verification thingy in place. 

Why? Are you that worried about those robot spammers? I removed my WV months ago and all I get is that Asian spam every now and then. The Chinese symbols look pretty so I don’t erase it.  So what's your excuse? Look, all I ask is that all you WV blogger holdouts give in. Vote NO on your blog settings page and put an end to this problem once and for all. 

If I can get just one of you to convert this will all be worth it. God bless.

SCARE THE PUNK-ASS KIDS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD WITH SAFE, YET EFFECTIVE TOY LANDMINES.

Summer is in full swing. A time for lazy days by the pool. Grabbing an ice cream cone with a significant other. And of course NO public schools for the kiddies. Which means 16 plus teens blessed with their parents’ cars (and grudges against property owners) will be roaming the neighborhoods.  Oh, and summer also wouldn't be complete without the lazy dog owners. You know, the peeps that let their canines run free and sh*t where they please (like your lawn). Wouldn’t it be great if there was a way to defend your home against these punks ‘n pets? Well if you have 32 bucks I may just have the perfect solution for you.

The POWDER SPRAYING AIRSOFT PAINTBALL, S-THUNDER, YELLOW LANDMINE.

Essentially it works just like all the other landmines you read about in Bosnia and Iraq. Only instead of deadly explosives and shrapnel, this mine releases safe nontoxic, powdered paint. The total "scare the crap out of you" range is 2 cubic meters. Here are some of the other features (courtesy  of Amazon)…

• Pressure activated
• Yellow colored to blend in with environment
• Thick, Rugged Nylon Fiber Plastic
• Uses standard C02 cartridges
• Creates a cloud of powder when stepped on

DON’T BELIEVE MY MUMBO-JUMBO? CHECK OUT THE S-THUNDER LANDMINE IN ACTION FOR YOURSELF. 

A thing of beauty, right? So don't wait!!! Click here now to order the ultimate lawn protector for only $33. It's certainly better than any garden hose with a spray nozzle.  

I GOT SHVITZED AT A JEWISH WEDDING LAST NIGHT

For all those who are thinking “wasted,” you are right (7 vodka tonics worth). However, that’s not what shvitzing means. It is a Yiddish term that refers to sweating your b*lls off (or the equivalent if you’re a lady). Here’s a complete rundown of WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE JEWISH WEDDING LAST NIGHT.

6:30PM – Jews wait for the wedding to start while complaining about the heat and how long it took to get to the catering hall.

7:05 – Wedding begins (usually classical music from a non-Nazi sympathizer is played – No WAGNER)

7:18 – Ceremony is finished (symbolized by the groom stepping on a glass).

7:19 – Hungry Jews crowd the buffet table and all the non Jew dates hit the bar (sorry, just an observation).

8:30 – Everyone goes to their tables

8:34 – Wedding band introduces the happy couple

8:48 – Couple does the first dance (again no Nazi sympathizer music)

9:05 – Everyone does the circle dance to the song Hava Naglia. 

9:15 – Bride and groom get lifted in the chairs

9:25 – Sweaty Jews finish the dance and then go to eat salads (that are already on the table).

9:50 – White people dancing occurs (to Motown and 80s music).

10:30 – Speeches (by wedding party).

10:45 – More “white people” dancing.

11:30 – Main course is served (Please Note: I usually order the fish).

11:45 – Relatives head over to the bride and groom table to hand them envelopes filled with money.

12:00AM – Even more “white people” dancing.

12:30 – Cake and Sanka (coffee) are served.

12:45 – Bride and groom thank everyone for coming.

1:00AM – People talk about how sweaty they are and complain about the possible traffic they will face going home.

BEST TISSUES TO USE POST-MASTURBATION

Straight. Gay. Sheep lover. It doesn’t matter what fantasy you use for your solo act. In the end we guys are all left with the same mess – An unsightly puddle of creamy Italian [Sorry ladies].

Now some will say an old sock or underwear is the way to go. I just feel like you’re making more problems for yourself using stuff like that. For one thing you can't throw out a sock every time you jerk-off (unless you're Donald Trump – nice visual). And you know you’re not going to wash it every time. Especially at 1:30am when you’re shirtless in front of your laptop and the wife is asleep (just a made-up example that relates in no way to my life).

So why do I like tissues? My main reason is their disposable. Just wipe, toss, and flush. So without further adieu here are my top Spank-tacular picks.

SCOTTIES® FACIAL TISSUE: The strongest of the bunch. I get absolutely no GOO-GRABBERS. Those are the tiny pieces of sperm stained tissues that latch on to your um little head. They stick on just like when you use a tissue for a shaving cut…and believe me they are just as hard to get off. The other reason is that Scotties® tissues are hypoallergenic. Meaning there’s no annoying scent and no chance my sensitive skin will get a rash.

PUFFS®: Even though I’m not big on the smell, I’m ok that the tissues are laced with lotion. It makes for an easier, smoother wipe. Though BE WARNED this tissue is lacking in strength so you will get a fair number of GOO-GRABBERS.

KLEENEX® Travel Packs: These are great for on-the-go-spanks like hotel bathrooms or your parent inlaws’ guest room (don’t ask). Strengthwise it’s a solid tissue. To me, it’s just a tad too soft. Which I feel slows down cleanup a wee(wee) bit.  

WHO WANTS TO SEE AN HONEST-TO-GOD SHIRTLESS BLOGGER SHOVE A SMURF IN HIS MOUTH?

Oh c’mon! You can’t be surprised I’d do a post like this. I mean it is Friday. One of the lowest blog viewing days of the summer. So of course I’m going to use skin and shock value to gain viewers.  And hopefully attract a perverse follower or two. Best of luck to your retinas.

HEY OLD PEOPLE! CHECK OUT MY PERSONAL CHECK PICKS.

If you are younger than 26 you might not even know what I’m talking about. Checks are those slips of paper really, really old people (36+) use to pay for stuff. You’ve probably cursed these peeps while they fumbled to fill one out to buy a six pack of prune juice. As far as check designs go, I was always partial to the classic Duckies & Bunnies. That is until I got a load of these sexy number notes courtesy of the Check Superstore. Enjoy!