WHITE POWER IS LAME

I tried to play the white power card back in my late teens. It NEVER EVER worked for me. I wore it with pride at a big function and all I got were shocked expressions and angry sneers from disapproving family members and friends. I remember being so hurt that they weren’t in awe of me. I mean after all, I was only being a dutiful son. Dad was the one who convinced me it was the white way or no way at all. Of course from the looks I got that day in May of '87 I learned my lesson – black is where it’s at. Seriously, I looked so lame wearing a white power suit to my sister’s formal sweet 16 party. 

I thought I was the mac daddy (like Ricardo Montalban), when in actuality I looked more like Tattoo.

Today I’m proud to say I've gone the black suit route and have never looked back. I just feel like it doesn’t really matter what season it is, I always look my best and slim too. I bought this Merona suit at Target, yes Target for only 80 bucks.

Modern fit.

Made of all-season wool (51% Rayon 49% Polyester).

Classic 2 button style.

Double vented in the back.

10 SICK SIGNS TO WATCH FOR BEFORE YOUR KID SITS ON SANTA’S LAP

‘Tis the season for kids to get all pumped up to sit on some creepy old guy’s lap and tell him what they desire most. On the plus side, malls do provide a freshly laundered costume. On the negative side, they usually don’t screen or test perspective Santas for highly contagious diseases. But have no fear, one New York Jew is going to save Christmas by providing you with life-saving, sick Santa signs you should be on the look out for. 

Check for …

- Red bumps on Santa’s exposed skin.

- Santa intensely itching his waist or groin area.

- Sesame seed size brownish grey lice bugs crawling all over Santa.

Make sure Santa does NOT have…

- A dry cough.

- The chills (in a well heated area).

- Breathing difficulties.

- Muscle aches.

Look for…

- Round red irritated patches on Santa’s skin.

- A rash on Santa’s scalp, legs, or elbows.

- An abundance of dandruff on Santa’s real hair.

TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM BEING EATEN, WHAT ARE YOU BETTER OFF FEEDING A BEAR – YOUR PUPPY OR KITTEN?

“How could you even think I’d sacrifice my [insert your precious pet’s name]?”

That’s something I suspect you might ask me if we were having this conversation over a grande mocha java latte, rather than you reading this post.

Me personally, I’m all about self-preservation. I mean I just bought this guinea pig. Her name is Bailey.

I feed her. I care for her. And yes, I love her dearly. Though honestly, I wouldn’t think twice of using her as a fuzzy wuzzy pig-in-a-blanket if a bear was on my ass.

So back to the subject at hand, what should you feed the hungry grizzly bear? My vote would have to be the puppy. I am correct and I will show you my work to prove it. 

FIRST, I did a google search (see visual evidence below) about which animal has been eaten more times by a bear. Dogs got way more hits. 

SECOND, cats are better climbers. If the kitten is able to escape the clutches of the bear by climbing a tree then who do you think is next on the dinner menu?

BASED ON THIS EMPIRICAL DATA YOU CAN’T GO WRONG WITH FEEDING YOUR PUPPY TO THE BEAR. End of discussion. 

FREAKY CRAP IN JARS THAT MAKE PERFECT GIFTS

If anyone cares, the jar (with a screw-on lid) was invented by John Landis way back in 1858. 

If anyone further cares I bought a House of Blues mason jar when I was in Chicago.

It's now gathering dust. In the jar’s defense it didn’t contain anything to add to its presentation. The following jars won’t have that issue. In fact, I'll take it one step further and guarantee that ANYONE on your holiday list will absolutely cherish these jar gems for years to come.

ALIEN SPECIMEN IN JAR ($33.99 @ ebay)

- 5 ½” tall

- Never been opened

HEAD IN A JAR ($16.99 @ Totallycostumes.com)

- Accurate detailing

- Plastic non-slip lid

PURPLE BRAIN IN JAR ($32.00 s @ etsy.com)

- Made of wool fleece

- Jar has round design

HORMEL PIGS FEET (??? @ Walmart.com)

- 14 oz. jar (family size)

- Feet stored in vinegar

THE PERFECT BITCH SLAP FOR BLACK FRIDAY

Unfortunately my words of wisdom are probably too late for all you die-hard BLACK FRIDAYers. You guys have probably been out since 5am. However, for all you casual shoppers here’s a BITCH SLAP technique tip that will not only reward you with that last item you want, but also minimize injury* (to yourself).

Say you’re in MACY’s and you have-to-have the last Charter Club Plus Size Sweater, Cashmere Crewneck that’s regularly $109.00 – NOW only $49.99!!

You grab for the sweater just as another bitch (customer) does. Here’s how you should slap her hand.

Notice how all the fingers are positioned – splayed and flat.

Here’s the wrong way to slap. 

Awkward finger positioning could cause a thumb sprain or break.

Happy Holiday shopping! Be safe!!!

* - Information provided from the now defunct site shopMama.org, eHow, and Doctor Oz. 

WHAT I’D DO FOR 10 GRAND (Thanksgiving edition)

The economy sucks. Money is tight. So basically I’m lowering my “I’d do anything for a million dollars” sticker price to a bargain 10K. So if you got some spare F.U. money laying around, here’s what I’d be willing to do this turkey day.

STRIP DOWN TO THIS OUTFIT

PAINT MYSELF THIS COLOR

GO TO THIS PART OF NYC

AND MAKE LOVE TO THIS FROZEN TURKEY 

(for 5 minutes)

REMEMBER TO SAVE THOSE TURKEY BONES FOR THAT 7-YEAR VOODOO SPELL

Mommy bloggers! I'm sure your husband can carve a mean turkey. The real question is, are you still satisfied in the sack? If not, here’s how you can turn a handful of Thanksgiving leftovers and some questionable ingredients into 7 years of guaranteed unbridled passion.

THE BOOK OF SHADOWS: ENDURING LOVE SPELL

INGREDIENTS:

DIRECTIONS:

Step 1. Dry turkey bones and a Yarrow.

Step 2. Place somewhere near your husband’s side of the bed.

Step 3.  Next add a drop of your blood to a chicken heart

Step 4. Bury the heart somewhere near the front entrance to your house.

Step 5. Now when your husband is sleeping gently grab the back of his neck and recite this incantation – "Hands set him on fire, 
with the wildest desire."

Step 6. Repeat “Step 5” at least 10 times.

RESULTS: Husband will have eyes ONLY for you (and no one else) for at least 7 years. Effects may vary depending on placement of ingredients.

USE MY CAN’T MISS BLOODY COUGH TRICK TO START THANKSGIVING BREAK EARLY.

Thanksgiving should be changed to SUCKSgiving (copyright pending).

Ok, ok, a bit harsh, but not totally uncalled for. My whole beef with this holiday is with the pre-game stuff. If you’re hosting the holiday you go nuts dealing with all the cooking, the setting up, and planning where weird uncle Pete is going to bunk so he doesn’t have to stay in your kid’s room. 

Rushing to these titanic turkey feasts ain’t no picnic either. Crawling traffic. Crammed trains and planes. What we all need is just a smidge extra time, and I can get it for you. That is if YOU USE MY BLOODY COUGH TRICK.

What you need…

Red Sharpie Pen

Brown Napkin

Important meeting

What you need to do…

STEP 1: Use the Sharpie to color an intense red blotch on a brown napkin.

STEP 2: During an important early morning, Wednesday meeting, cough at random times.

STEP 3: Start coughing into your red-stained napkin.

STEP 4: After a rather harsh cough display the red stained napkin.

FYI…You probably need to work on a better shocked face than mine. 

THE RESULT: Your worried boss will signal you to leave immediately. Grab your things, run out the door and POOF you’ve just begun THANKSGIVING BREAK EARLY.

You’re welcome!

JUST IN CASE YOU CONFUSE HEAVY PETTING WITH A FULL PAT DOWN

I don’t like to brag, but from 1986 to 2002 I was a heavy petting artist – the rest of the bases…not so much. Now it seems like the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is moving in on my turf with this full pat down policy. If you’re confused between the two let me break down the definitions, complete with full color diagrams.

FULL PAT DOWN

Definition: The act of probing, groping, and rubbing of genitals to ensure no weapons of any sort are being snuck through airline security.

HEAVY PETTING (1986 style)

Definition: The act of sensually probing, groping, and rubbing of genitals to ensure both participants get off.

PLEASE OH PLEASE TELL ME THERE IS A SAFE WAY TO TURN MY PEE BLUE

The best I can muster here is an optimistic MAYBE. At least that’s the way I’ve been lead to believe (based on a couple of semi-reputable posts on the net.) Here’s what I do know (take it or leave it)...

THE BAD PART

If you do have Smurf piss most likely it’s because you are being treated for a disease (courtesy of our friend the mosquito)... 

...known as Malaria. Symptoms include:

• Fever
• Shivering
• Vomiting

And a slew of other nasty stuff that does include (I’m sorry to say – Death). However, the disease is cureable if you catch it early enough. Which is my segue to the…

THE GOOD-ish PART

One of the many treatments for Malaria is Methylene Blue. 

Though in most instances it’s not really the popular drug of choice due to its meh side effects:

• Vomiting
• Cramps
• Fever
• Rapid heart rate
• And yes, blue skin, eyes, and piss.

Other than that, from what I’ve read they say Methylene Blue is relatively safe to ingest (in small quantities I assume). Plus, the blue side effects will eventually fade away.  So YES, in theory, you can move ahead with that nasty prank you planned for your friend.

WHERE CAN I SCORE SOME?

Found it on Amazon for $4.99

PLEASE NOTE: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I AM A MORON WHO BARELY BROKE 1000 ON HIS SATs. THAT’S MY TACTFUL WAY OF SAYING DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME – OR AT LEAST GO TO WebMD BEFORE YOU DO.

MOMMY BLOGGERS! YOU COULD GET YOUR PERIOD THIS MONTH OR MAKE THIS COOL CRAFT.

Black Friday is in spitting distance. And yes, economists are predicting some decent deals. Though seriously, I’m not sure it’s going to get any better than these cute luxurious slippers (for the entire family) for just $3.99. Here's how...

Just click here to buy Super Kotex pads (only $3.99 @ Toys R Us. No joke)

Then grab these crafting supplies.

Glue

Glitter

Fun iconic shapes

Now follow these easy instructions (I found at HipHophater.com)

Step 1. Place a folded pad on top of an unfolded pad (use the included adhesive to keep them together).

Step 2. Now use the adhesive to stick the wings together.

Step 3. Attach an additional pad (for comfort) on the bottom.

Step 4. Add glue to the top folded wings.

Step 5. Decorate with glitter and fun shapes.

Step 6. Give slippers as gifts to friends, family, or sell on eBay.