A DOUCHEY DID YOU KNOW

The average NASA Rocket Scientist* makes anywhere from $80K to $125K a year.

*Please note: I have no empirical data to support my theory. I just think if I ever met a NASA rocket scientist at a cocktail party he (or she) would be a bit of a douche. 

AND FINALLY, AN EASY SOLVE FOR GETTING BITS OF DEAD HOOKER OUT OF YOUR COUCH.

This marks the 5^th and final installment of this series. In case you missed one of my gems here is the rundown.

EASY SOLVE FOR GETTING BITS OF DEAD HOOKER OUT OF YOUR JEANS

EASY SOLVE FOR GETTING BITS OF DEAD HOOKER OUT OF YOUR WALL

BEST WAY TO REMOVE DEAD HOOKER BLOOD STAINS FROM YOUR CAR

EASY SOLVE FOR DEAD HOOKER STAINING UP THE CARPET

Again, I am not the person to consult about the body itself. I’m also not one to judge. Sure, I’d never put myself in that situation. However I do understand that bachelor parties have a tendency to get out of control. People do go on coke binges. It’s an insane, madcap world. 

For argument sake let’s just assume the body is not an issue. All you have to deal with now is cleaning the remnants of the dead hooker and blood out of the couch. Remember time is of the essence. You must act quickly before the stains set in.

Step #1:

Use a wet vac to pick up all the dead hooker pieces.

Step #2:

Soak a rag in cold water.

Step #3:

Dab (do not rub) the bloody areas of the couch with cold water.

Step #4:

For tough bloodstains try wiping the area with baby wipes.

Step #5:

If all else fails sponge the stain with the following choices…

• Hydrogen peroxide
• Oxi Clean (with warm water)
• A mixture of cornstarch, talcum powder and cold water
• Club soda
• Store bought spot removers

Step #6:

Allow couch to dry then dab area once again with cold water and repeat cleaning if necessary. 

BADASS BELT BUCKLE OF THE DAY

Add some funk right above your junk – courtesy of awelldressedbullet.ca. Enter the saloon with this big brass beast and guaranteed all the ladies will be swoonin'. Each buckle is made of authentic rifle cartridges (Full Metal Jacket-style). And you can choose from a variety of gun ammo (Remington, Winchester, Springfield, etc.) Prices range from $18 - $25 ea. Oh and yes, the 45-70 Government issued bullets are still in stock. Click here to order.

3 MOVIES YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO SEE SO I’LL JUST SPOIL THE ENDINGS FOR YOU.

THE POSTMAN (1997): The Postman and his army do battle with General Bethlehem’s troops. The general is defeated and later is killed by his own colonel. Peace is restored and Kevin Costner is remembered for generations to come. 

HOLLYWOOD HOMICIDE (2003): Sgt. Joe Gavilan and Detective KC Calden deduce that Sartain and Walsey are responsible for the murders. Sartain winds up falling off a building and Walsey is brought into custody. Joe also sells his house and KC gets the lead in the play – A Streetcar Named Desire.

LADY IN THE WATER (2006): Cleveland heals Story and they shack up together once again. Unfortunately the Scrunt attacks 'em both. Luckily Reggie is there to save the day and so is The Great Eatlon. Just as the Scrunt makes a last ditch effort to kill everyone, it is slain by the Tartutic. After, the Great Eatlon takes Story and disappears. Cleveland is sad.   

OH NO I SAID TOO MUCH (an ongoing series)

Sure you might have read some of my other posts. And maybe once in a great while I enlightened you, made you sniffle, cringe, or guffaw. But honestly, how well do you really know me? I’m not just talking about the surface stuff. I’m talkin’ real details. Well since this a blog I aim reveal some pretty personal stuff in the coming months. 

This week’s topic: URINE

At night I wake up at least 2 times to pee.

1^st time: 2:48am

2^nd time: 4:42am

During a night of boozing I can drink at least 4.5 beers before breaking the seal.

I have only pissed myself twice in my life:

1st time: Stuck in traffic coming home from a Jets game.

  (I was wasted, but not driving)

2nd time: Wasted while walking home from a NY Knicks game.

(could not find a toilet)

BONUS TRADING CARD (collect all 4):

PROPER BALL GAG PLACEMENT

When using a Ball Gag remember you are trying to discipline your mate…not torture her (or him). One of the most common misconceptions is everyone either goes for Ball Gags that are way too big or a bit on the small side. A good size to aim for is that of a tennis ball. Half of the ball should fit snug in your mouth. If the ball is too tiny it could get lodged in your throat.  And if it’s too big it could cause dental damage during the throws of passion. Probably the best BG you can get for your money is the 2in Red Ball Gag. 

Comes complete with a quality black leather strap and a D-ring fastener. The ball is made of non-toxic rubber and is available in cherry red. Order now at Discreet Novelty for only $29.87.

6 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT WHY HAMSTERS EAT THEIR YOUNG.

#1- Baby hamsters are also known as pups.

#2- A mother hamster will snack on her young if she feels the babies are in an immediate danger she can't defend. 

#3- Mommy hamsters will chomp on any baby they feel is sickly and won’t live too long.

#4- A mommy hamster tends to get all stressed out when dealing with the daddy hamster – as a result she will sometimes eat a kid or two. 

#5- If the mommy hamster is malnourished she’ll dine on her kids.

#6- If a cage is crowded the mommy hamster  will down a couple of her babies to make more room.

3 CANS OF WHOOP-ASS FOR SUPER CHEAP

Last time I open a can of whopp-ass (or at least tried to) was in 1994. I was 23 yrs old. It was at the Zoo bar (now a Bagel Store). The NY Rangers had just won Lord Stanley’s cup. Some drunk guy was perturbed I was wearing a Washington Capitals hat. He slapped it. I shoved him. He moved on. Did I mention he was wasted out of his freakin’ skull? I'm pretty sure that's why he didn’t wait to see me open my can of A. He probably would’ve been delighted since I’ve never opened one in my life. I’m guessing I would’ve been down for the count in less than 3 punches. Still, a win is a win! And thanks for humoring me with my tale. Now on to the cheap cans of Whoop-Ass.

CAN OF WHOOP-ASS #1

Purpose: piggie bank

Features:

Good for laughs

Measures 13 ½ inches high

Says it's new & improved. Not sure why.

Only $13.95 at Amazon

CAN OF WHOOP-ASS #2

Purpose: peanuts

Features:

4.25 oz.

Spicy

cool ass can

Only $21.57 at Amazon

CAN OF WHOOP-ASS #3

Purpose: Chili mix

Features:

Makes ½ gallon of chili

Ready in 20 minutes

Feeds 6-8 big people

Really Hot

Only $4.95 at Basspro.com

10¢ WORTH OF WORDS

YOU WIN CHRISTINE! I’LL STOP MASTURBATING IF YOU STOP LOOKING SO DARN CUTE.

Hi Chris O’Donnell.

Or is it Christine? I guess the other way sounds like the guy from one of those NCISCSI shows. He also played Robin (which he wasn’t half bad as).

Anyhow, just wanted to let you know that I am a Democrat. A blue stater if you will. I voted for Obama. I’m not a fan of NASCAR, but don’t judge people who are. So all that being said, I should be against everything you stand for. Though it's really hard for me to do so. Why? You are a good-looking lady (bordering on hot). You look sorta like a cross between Rachael Ray and the chick from the Seinfeld “We’re not gay, not that there is anything wrong with it” episode (Paula Marshall).

And to make matters worse you’re a woman with power. Nothing (in my warped mind) is hotter. But yes, I get it, those are not reasons for me to exercise my RIGHT TO PRIVACY for 3 minutes or so. HOWEVER, if you are going to be the poster person for ANTI-MASTURBATION then take responsibility for the problem. I mean, have you seen the hottie pictures YOU (or supporters) have posted online? Tell you what, I’ll stop being a male piggie. Stop my lust-filled waxing of the dolphin (masturbating) AND give this whole Tea Party thing a fair shake. All you have to do is take the following sexy images off the internet. Remove the temptation.

Sporting the naughty, pouting mischievous look.

Love the librarian / Sarah Palin glasses.

Green + tight = impure thoughts

Not even dignifying this with a caption.

GOOGLE AWKWARD SEARCH GAME

Leave it to the wet blanket tech guys at Google  to ruin all my fun yet again. First they set up the dirty word filters. And now they do the searches as you’re typing stuff in. It does away with that whole clean layout before you click search. Which to me is way less impactful for the game. Oops, where are my manners. Forgot to clue all you new readers on how to play my totally addictive GOOGLE AWKWARD SEARCH GAME. In the search area type in part of a statement or question. Then simply let Google finish it off. Here are some narly examples (like the one above).

DOUGHNUT OF THE DAY

West Coast nails top honors again with the COCOA LOCO DOUGHNUT. This chocolatey, titanic treat is found at PSYCHO DONUTS in Campbell, CA. What you see is pretty much what you get. A chocolate doughnut cake smothered in sweet glaze and chocolate icing. Then topped with a generous helping of Cocoa Puffs® cereal. [Insert Sonny the Cuckoo Bird joke here]

FYI…The shop also puts out a psycho-calendar every year. Only $13 @ Amazon.

BLOWS YOUR MIND AWAY, RIGHT?

This humanesque-Homer Simpson (and freaky Mario below) are the works of a computer illustrator known in the blogosphere as Pixeloo. His goal was to add human textures, detailing, and natural lighting to iconic cartoon characters. “Uncartoon ‘em” as he phrases it. What’s mind-blowing is these creations were built in photoshop CS2 in 2008. Just to give you some perspective, today, people are working with CS5 in the ad biz. Seeing as I’m a writer (not an art director), I can only assume that there have been some photoshop innovations that this guy didn’t have available to him.

Pixeloo made Mario old looking ‘cause he wanted to reflect the plumber’s true age. 32ish. 

8 THINGS THE AMISH WOULD FIND OFFENSIVE ABOUT THIS POSTER

1-Amish women are only allowed to wear modest dresses that covers the chest, arms, and legs.

2- Belts are forbidden in the Amish community.

3- Amish men shall NOT shave their facial hair once they take the vows of marriage.

4- Amish people shun all modern conveniences like dishwashing gloves.

5- Amish women would never ever leave their hair fully exposed for the world to see.

6- Amish women believe it is a sign of vanity to wear any sort of makeup.

7- The Amish will not allow themselves to be photographed.

8-Interfaith marriages and breeding are not permitted. FYI...Melissa is Roman Catholic and rumor has it Joey Lawrence is Jewish another type of Catholic (Thanks Ally).