I figured since it’s a holiday weekend (and no one will be plugged into the net) I’d treat myself you to this.
Phil: We’re back, and we are with the Cohen’s. And like all new parents they are dealing with a problem that plagues our country – BITING KIDS. So how old is little …
Jesse: Bailey. She’s a tween
Phil: Ooo a tween. That’s serious. Has she bitten anyone else? You know, like in school or at a friend's house?
Jesse: No, just us.
Phil: So when does the biting occur?
Jesse: When she’s sleeping on our lap. We try to wake her up, and that’s when…um…well she nips first, then she bites.
Phil: You let a 12 yr. old girl sleep on your lap?
Jesse: Technically she’s 3 months old.
Phil: I thought you said she’s a tween?
Jesse: She is. Guinea pigs are of adolescent age around that time.
Phil: Beg your pardon. You’re gonna have to speak up, I have a trick ear left over from NAM.
Jesse: Well I was saying Guinea pigs are…
Phil: (to audience) Let’s go to commercial folks. (whispers to me) I thought you told the producers in the green room you had a kid that bites?!
Jesse: Hey if you were in NAM, that would make you …
Phil: Answer the f*cking question.
Jesse: I did. She does bite.
Phil: You have a f*cking Guinea pig!
Jesse: She's still a kid.
Phil: Look son…
Jesse: I’m 40 yrs. old.
Phil: Look, Oprah’s got a lot riding on me. I really don’t have time for this. So you and your wife are going to get up. Get the f*ck off my stage. Go back to the green room and grab that little rodent...
Jesse: Guinea Pi…
Phil: …And never, ever cross my path again. SECURITY!!!!
THE END
