Wednesday, March 31, 2010

CAN'T MISS, HOT SUMMER TV!


My latest issue of MEDIA BUYING magazine came in the mail yesterday. Totally psyched it’s the annual Summer Series issue. That's the one that has the giant mega-listing (complete with descriptions) of every freakin’ show that'll be hitting the small screen this summer. And wow, there are some doozies. I think the ones below are truly the picks of this mutated litter.




MADOFF SOUNDS OFF (premieres May 14th / 8pm ET): Your standard “here's my side of the story” type reality show. The Madoff family shot this 16 part video diary series that will give us a rare glimpse into Bernie's prison days as well as what’s life like at home for the family ­– post scandal.





POLE DANCERS (premieres May 20th / 9:30pm ET): A contest series that has the hottest dancers from strip clubs across the country doing their sexy pole thang at the world renowned FLASHY Ds in Miami. The winner will receive $100K and a photospread in HotDancers Magazine.




OFFICE FREAKOUT (premieres June 8th / 8:30 PM ET): This is pretty much Punk’d meets The Office. Random company employees sign on to prank a coworker or boss with the intent of causing a major meltdown. The first show got so out of hand the producers had to cut some of the footage due to an unplanned injury and arrest.





YOU LOSE, YOUR PET DIES (web series): Probably will be the most talked about show of the summer. It’s so controversial every network passed on it. This import from the UK starts out just like your standard pop trivia game show. The winner who answers the most questions right goes home with £50000. The F'd up part is that the loser has to watch their precious pet be killed in some humane manner. Supposedly the producers only casted people with pets that have already lived full lives. No official word on when the series starts.



Believe it or not the last show is so shocking I really didn’t feel comfortable displaying it for all to see. So I hid the show synopsis on my post. In order to reveal it you need to click-and-hold the left mouse button. Then drag the mouse arrow over the blank space below.

APRIL FOOLS! ALL OF THE ABOVE SHOWS ARE FAKE!




Stumble Upon Toolbar

JOHN TESH FACT OF THE DAY.


When John Tesh first met his wife Connie Sellecca he had never seen her in Hotel, but had admittedly watched every episode of Greatest American Hero. Apparently their entire courtship was sex-free until their wedding night. Unnamed sources say John is an excellent and generous lover.


Stumble Upon Toolbar

EBAY ODDBALL FIND: 50 JARS FILLED WITH FARTS.

This Easter you could go the good Catholic route and give ornate baskets filled with candy and eggs to all of your little party guests. OR, you could go the fun Catholic route and give everyone a FART IN A JAR.

Save A Buck enterprises have harnessed an incredible, new odor technology that not only traps the fart in the jar, but ensures you will experience the same intense, quality foul smell every time it’s opened. And right now get 50 of these revolutionary gag gifts for only $85. You’d easily pay over $500 if you bought these jars at the mall.


PLUS, if you act now Save A Buck will also toss in this novelty 1 million dollar bill for FREE. Click here to buy.




Stumble Upon Toolbar

FINALLY, A COMPETITIVE EATING UPDATE.

I apologize. When I first started this blog my goal was to keep my readers (all 4) up on the latest MLE (Major League Eating) goings on. Sadly I’ve shirked my responsibilities for quite some time. Blame those damn Gilmore Girls on ABC Family. Anyway, that changes starting now. Here’s a recap on who were the biggest Munch-masters of March. Sorry, best lame sexual entendre I could come up with after 16.5 rewrites while blitzed off of Passover wine. Anyhow, on to the champions of chomp!



The TooJay's World Class Corned Beef Eating Championship
Date: 03/17/2010

Location: Palm Beach Gardens

Congrats to you Joey Chestnut! He has finally captured the one salt cured beef title that has eluded him all of these years. Scarfing down 15.8 ounces of corned beef earned Joey a cool 10Gs. Here’s a look at who else cut the mustard.

2nd place- Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti - 12.5 ($2,000)

3rd place- Bob "Notorious B.O.B." Shoudt - 11.5 ($1,200)





The Rhythm City World Catfish Eating Championship
Date: 03/20/2010

Location: Davenport

Yet again the sting of Sonya “the black widow” Thomas was felt at a officially sanctioned MLE event. The food femme fatale ate an astonishing 6.75 lbs of fried catfish to take 1st place and $1000 at Rhythm City’s annual event. Swimming up the rear were…

2nd place- Eater X ate 6.5 ($750)

3rd place- Gravy Brown - 5 ($500)




1st Annual Binga's Stadium Tender Bender Challenge

Date: 03/27/2010

Location: Portland, ME


Apparently Sonya wasn’t done with her web of winnings this month. Ms. Thomas finished up her triumphant tour besting breast eaters. She consumed just a hair under 7 lbs of Binga’s Chicken tenders. Sonya's total take home – $1500. Meanwhile, her familiar nemesis X once again failed to taste victory.

2nd place- Bob Shoudt - 6.595 ($750)

3rd place- Eater X - 6.18 ($500)



GET TO KNOW JOEY...



Stumble Upon Toolbar

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

MADCAP, SEXUALLY CHARGED FUN…AND COREY FELDMAN.


In the fourth episode of "Nothing Bad," Nick takes Michael to seek advice from the legendary spiritual guru: Corey Feldman.



BONUS: Check out Ally’s (Tales of A Fourth Grade Nothing blog) riveting article on the life of an Über-Corey fan.


Stumble Upon Toolbar

DID MY GIRLFRIEND DUMP ME IN 1987? YOU BE THE JUDGE.

The following conversation occurred in real time on a Thursday (before bio class) near my locker.




My sister says I was dumped. I beg to differ. I uttered the words “break up,” so I win. Thoughts? Bueller?



Stumble Upon Toolbar

4 MOVIES YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO SEE SO I’LL JUST SPOIL THE ENDINGS FOR YOU.

DIRTY DANCING: HAVANA NIGHTS (2004): Katie suddenly flees the island, so her and Javier never get to complete their dance. And sadly they never win the dance contest. The good news is they get crowned king and queen of La Rosa Negra.


BABY’S DAY OUT (1994): The parents and the nanny finally track down baby Binks. The bad guys also wind up giving themselves up to the cops. Later baby Binks is looking through a storybook and recounts all the mad-cap fun he had all over town.






SPECIES III (2004): Dean destroys all of the eggs with the help of a fusion reactor thingy. Sadly Amelia is killed from the blast. Dean however is able to save Sara. He then designs Sara’s perfect mate. But the final joke is on her. Dean makes sure Sara's new mate is sterile. So no more eggs, which means no new movie?



TANK GIRL (1995): Tank girl opens a can of whoopass on Water and Power and Kesslee. TG is also able to save Sam’s life.




Stumble Upon Toolbar

Monday, March 29, 2010

BARTENDER ABE’S EASTER ‘n PASSOVER SHOT.


Raise your glass high to celebrate the best of Jesus ‘n Jews in one easy gulp.


Ingredients:

  • 2 oz. of Holy Communion Wine
  • 2 oz. Manischewitz (concord grape)
  • Communion wafer and Matzo crumbs


Recipe:
Chill with ice and mix in a cocktail shaker. Then pour into Kiddush cup or Holy Communion cup. Serve with a slice of lime or lemon.



Stumble Upon Toolbar

Sunday, March 28, 2010

IS IT KOSHER, CANADIAN OR BOTH?


In celebration of the first night of God smiting people (aka Passover), I figured I’d host this hip, yet informative quiz about Kosher and Canadian cuisine. Just guess if the food featured below is just Kosher, just Canadian, or both (Canadian & Kosher).

To find out the answer, simply click-and-hold the left mouse button. Then drag the mouse arrow over the blank space below the product name. Thank you ENTER THE MAN-CAVE for showing me the way.





Stumble Upon Toolbar

10 THINGS I’M 62.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT PEEPS.


1- In 1953, just one PEEP® took 27 hours to make.

2- One PEEP® has just 32 calories and zero grams of fat.

3- A good percentage of PEEPS® connoisseurs like to eat them stale.

4- A week after Easter the annual PEEP® Off eating contest is held in Sacramento (first one was held in Maryland in 1994).

5- Dennis Gross set a record by eating 102 PEEPS® in 5 minutes at the 2003 PEEP® Off .

6- The folks at the Just Born plant churn out about 1 billion PEEPS® a year (works out to 4 million a day).

7- In 2009 Just Born introduced PEEPS® lip balm.

8- Americans consume about 600 million PEEPS® every Easter.

9- The Sears Tower in Chicago is 8000 PEEPS® tall.

10- In the late 1950s the wings were removed from the PEEPS® design.


EATIN' PEEPS®!!


Stumble Upon Toolbar

HAH! I KNEW RALPHIE WAS IN THE BIG RED COMMERCIAL!!!


I thought that tuba player looked familiar. Guess I should rewind a bit. The Ralphie I'm referring to is the blond kid with glasses in the 1983 classic A CHRISTMAS STORY (the film TBS plays for 24 hrs straight on X-Mas.) The actor's real name is Peter Billingsley. Today (at 38 yrs. of age) Pete is still in showbiz. Though now he mostly has smaller film roles like in The Break-up, Elf and yes, Iron Man. And like all actors in the C and D list category, Pete has done his fair share of 30 sec. product hawking. He starred as Messy Marvin for Hershey’s Syrup and (as I recently discovered) is in 2 scenes of one of the most overplayed BIG RED, Jingle-riffic commercial of all time (see below). My apologies for jamming this song back in your head.



Stumble Upon Toolbar

COCKTAIL NAPKIN DOODLE OF THE DAY.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

10 LAME WAYS TO BURN CALORIES.


As opposed to the glamorous ones the health shows talk about – having sex, bike riding, taking the stairs at work, etc. Sure this stuff will bore the brains right of your skull, but they’ll still do the body a bit of good.


Wearing pajamas: Shedding your work clothes and slapping on those PJs definitely takes some sort of “calorie burning” effort.


Drinking 2 glasses of cold water: Apparently you can burn 100 calories this way. Your body likes to expend energy warming up all the stuff you digest (not unlike my Aunt Gert).


Spin around in the office chair 50 plus times: No further explanation needed.


Attaching a child seat to your car: Didn’t realize those things weigh up to 40 lbs.


Cleaning a window: Wax on wax off. Wax on wax off Daniel-san.


Do your taxes: Don’t let your accountant do the heavy lifting. You volunteer to staple and stuff your money (with form B) into envelopes.


Fighting with wife/girlfriend: Gesturing arms, flexing the diaphragm – It’s hard work being wrong all the time.


Using Ketchup packets: Don’t cheat by using your teeth.


Bashing bugs: Ditch the spray and start swinging that Sunday section.


Use the copier: Walking to the machine, lifting the lid, dealing with a jam – the ultimate in cardio.



Stumble Upon Toolbar

Saturday, March 27, 2010

AWESOME DEALS ON BI-CURIOUS GEAR FOR DOGS AND HUMANS.

Ironically people aren’t quick to wear their hearts on a sleeve. Yet it seems not as tough of a sell to get ‘em to advertise their sexual interests on their chests…or coffee cups. 4 cute cases in point.

BTW...kinda miffed I keep misusing the word – ironically.



Hot Bi Babe baby doll Shirt

  • Made of 100% super-soft ring-spun cotton
  • Classic baby doll design
  • Double-needle stitched bottom
  • Runs extremely small
  • Imported
Only $20.45 @ Zazzle





Someone's a little bi-curious shirt

  • Heavyweight men’s t-shirt
  • Tagless design for ultimate comfort
  • Pre-shrunk
  • 100% cotton
  • Imported

Only $24.05 @ Zazzle



Bi-Cuirass Coffee Mug

  • Available in Hunter Green
  • Dishwasher and microwave safe
  • Imported

Only $19.15 @ Zazzle





Live Curiously Doggie style shirt

  • Two-color baby rib
  • 100% combed ringspun cotton tee
  • Available in sizes for larger long haired dogs
  • Double-needle ribbed binding on the neck

Only $24.40 @ Zazzle



Stumble Upon Toolbar

OH NO YOU DIDDY.

I don’t know about you, but after toweling off from a nice relaxing shower I still feel like I’m missing something. I guess I’m yearning for something luxurious and soft to drape over me. Yet with the posh, pizzazz of an abrasive 90s rap superstar. I know, tall order, right?

Well thank the Lord I have the HSN channel! 'Cause at approximately 3:02am my salvation was delivered to me in the form of DIDDY. For only $79.90 I can get my hands on an original Sean "Diddy" Combs Ultra Plush Fleece Robe that's …

  • Made from Ultra plush fleece and 100% polyester.
  • Designed with Tonal pinstripes detail.
  • Embroidered with "SJ" scroll monogram at chest (Sean John Combs).
  • Long sleeved with a V-neck and shawl collar.
Fingers crossed, hopefully the wife will say yes.





Legendary P. Diddy HSN appearance.




Stumble Upon Toolbar

FOX vs. NBC (Who has the better FRO?)

If you'd have asked me in January it would’ve been NO CONTEST. Anil Kapoor had this one hands down. This Indian actor has been a main staple of the Bollywood circuit for years. Though now he's made the jump to American TV. On season 8 of 24 Anil plays President Omar Hassan. To me, Anil seemed like the obvious choice for the MOST POWERFUL HAIR on TV. Or so I thought 'til I watched this season's Celebrity Apprentice. One of the contestants the Trumpites chose is none other than the former governor of Illinois, Milorad "Rod" Blagojevich. The entry of Rod made things a bit more (excuse the pun) hairy, but not impossible to render a decision. So after examining the evidence I present to you the factors (3 Hs) that helped me choose the BEST TV FRO OF 2010.


Height = Anil (Winner) – Anil's hair totally towers over Rod. No photo frame can contain it.




History = Rod (Winner) – This was a tough call, but it looks like at a younger age Rod’s hair developed its mutant girth.




Heaviness = Anil (Winner) No arguing that Rod’s hair is thick and lustrous, but Anil has the edge with his full radius of hair.


WINNER = ANIL KAPOOR (FOX)


Stumble Upon Toolbar

Friday, March 26, 2010

MORE AWKWARD GOOGLE SEARCHES.


Had about 5 minutes of free time to kill between lunch and getting yelled at by the client. Figured I’d spend it wisely with a rousing round of the Google Search Game, the “how to” edition.

In the search area I typed in “how to” plus a couple more letters. Then I simply let Google finish it off. Chock full of bits and pieces of awkwardness if I do say so myself.









Stumble Upon Toolbar
 
Custom Search