Saturday, January 15, 2011

HOW I COULD GET DOCTOR PHIL TO KICK ME OFF HIS STAGE AND TELL ME TO GO F*CK MYSELF


I figured since it’s a holiday weekend (and no one will be plugged into the net) I’d treat myself you to this.


Phil: We’re back, and we are with the Cohen’s. And like all new parents they are dealing with a problem that plagues our country – BITING KIDS. So how old  is little …

Jesse: Bailey. She’s a tween

Phil: Ooo a tween. That’s serious. Has she bitten anyone else? You know, like in school or at a friend's house?

Jesse: No, just us.

Phil: So when does the biting occur?

Jesse: When she’s sleeping on our lap. We try to wake her up, and that’s when…um…well she nips first, then she bites.

Phil: You let a 12 yr. old girl sleep on your lap?

Jesse: Technically she’s 3 months old.

Phil: I thought you said she’s a tween?

Jesse: She is. Guinea pigs are of adolescent age around that time.

Phil: Beg your pardon. You’re gonna have to speak up, I have a trick ear left over from NAM.

Jesse: Well I was saying Guinea pigs are…

Phil: (to audience) Let’s go to commercial folks. (whispers to me) I thought you told the producers in the green room you had a kid that bites?!

Jesse: Hey if you were in NAM, that would make you …

Phil: Answer the f*cking question.

Jesse: I did. She does bite.

Phil: You have a f*cking Guinea pig!

Jesse: She's still a kid.

Phil: Look son…

Jesse: I’m 40 yrs. old.

Phil: Look, Oprah’s got a lot riding on me. I really don’t have time for this. So you and your wife are going to get up. Get the f*ck off my stage. Go back to the green room and grab that little rodent...

Jesse: Guinea Pi…

Phil: …And never, ever cross my path again. SECURITY!!!!

THE END

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Posted by Copyboy at 10:15 AM
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39 comments:

  1. RebeccaJanuary 15, 2011 at 10:20 AM

    i am so not a Dr. Phil fan he annoys me

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sharon DayJanuary 15, 2011 at 10:59 AM

    That would be my goal if life, to get knocked off his stage. I'd probably analyze him back and why his wife has to sit in the audience and wait for her man to take her arm at the end of the show.

    ReplyDelete
  3. BBJanuary 15, 2011 at 11:02 AM

    Where do you come up with this stuff? Do you dream in technicolor? What a riot. I can't stand Dr. Phil. Oprah either.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Megan HarmeyerJanuary 15, 2011 at 11:13 AM

    Hearing Dr Phil say eff you would be the highlight of my life. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  5. Poetry of the DayJanuary 15, 2011 at 11:17 AM

    lol this would be so damn funny

    ReplyDelete
  6. VaporJanuary 15, 2011 at 11:35 AM

    I think he's got a lock on the worlds most pretentious douchebag award.

    ReplyDelete
  7. LoneIslanderJanuary 15, 2011 at 12:06 PM

    We can only wish

    ReplyDelete
  8. Marie NicoleJanuary 15, 2011 at 12:18 PM

    The same thing happened to me, only my tween is a hamster, and the biting HAS to stop, before kicking you off did Phil make ANY suggestions? Did he call Oprah and ask her opinion? Please post a follow-up, I'm running out of band-aids.

    ツ my cyber house rules

    ReplyDelete
  9. Pearson ReportJanuary 15, 2011 at 12:21 PM

    Fantastic! Very visual.
    I was hoping for a great "bite" scene between the "tween" and Dr.Butthead!

    You've got a great sense of humour!
    Jenny

    ReplyDelete
  10. beyondhiphopJanuary 15, 2011 at 12:24 PM

    ty for blog of the day!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. UnknownJanuary 15, 2011 at 12:33 PM

    I needed this laugh! Thanks :D

    ReplyDelete
  12. BTN Hip HopJanuary 15, 2011 at 12:54 PM

    dr phil aint real brah

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oilfield TrashJanuary 15, 2011 at 1:04 PM

    In a few words, "Fucking Awesome".

    ReplyDelete
  14. Rawknrobyn.blogspot.comJanuary 15, 2011 at 1:15 PM

    I don't know. I think the Doc's got the perfect team of professionals in Southern Texas ready to work with the 3 of you. But you need to agree to work hard. He's flying a pilot in right now.
    Great post.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  15. that guyJanuary 15, 2011 at 1:28 PM

    another instant classic!!!!

    Bruce
    bruce johnson jadip
    evilbruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy
    dreamodeling!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Alex J. CavanaughJanuary 15, 2011 at 1:45 PM

    I hope your Guinea pig bit Phil!

    ReplyDelete
  17. A Daft Scots LassJanuary 15, 2011 at 2:22 PM

    I thought you were going to say "and shove it up yer arse" but gerballing thats entirely different post, right?

    Right.

    ReplyDelete
  18. JohnHJanuary 15, 2011 at 2:32 PM

    HAHAHA that is so funy

    ReplyDelete
  19. Pat TillettJanuary 15, 2011 at 3:21 PM

    that egotistical SOB needs to start treating himself for Narcissistic Personality Disorder!
    Great post Jesse! Another classic...

    ReplyDelete
  20. Major MackJanuary 15, 2011 at 3:28 PM

    :)
    Dr. Phil sucks D!ck

    ReplyDelete
  21. Henrietta CollinsJanuary 15, 2011 at 3:30 PM

    so??? is bailey cured or not?!?!?

    you can't just drop a hot story right in the middle of it like that, j, you asshat.

    unless the ending somehow involves richard gere. in which case, i don't care how it fucking ends, i don't want to know.

    ReplyDelete
  22. AnonymousJanuary 15, 2011 at 4:04 PM

    hahaha I totally hate Dr.Phil, what a douche.

    ReplyDelete
  23. The EmpressJanuary 15, 2011 at 4:27 PM

    Dr.Phil needs to go f*ck himself and call it a day!

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  24. AnonymousJanuary 15, 2011 at 4:28 PM

    Dr. Phil doesn't like Guinea pigs?

    ReplyDelete
  25. Suciô SanchezJanuary 15, 2011 at 4:56 PM

    Simplest way to get booted? "I'm completely normal, happy and well adjusted. I have no hang-ups or telegenic perversions."

    ReplyDelete
  26. UnknownJanuary 15, 2011 at 6:52 PM

    That would be great.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Mister SharafJanuary 15, 2011 at 7:48 PM

    haha, this i will watch

    ReplyDelete
  28. bonemanJanuary 15, 2011 at 7:56 PM

    HOW I COULD GET DOCTOR PHIL TO KICK ME OFF HIS STAGE AND TELL ME TO GO F*CK MYSELF?

    That's easy.
    Wear his wife's panties on your head when it's time to go out on stage.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Keato LockheartJanuary 15, 2011 at 9:09 PM

    I lol'd. Hate that guy, and his terrible show.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Austin Da SilveiraJanuary 15, 2011 at 11:27 PM

    HAHA

    ReplyDelete
  31. not displayedJanuary 16, 2011 at 1:26 AM

    I have a turtle that bites. Any clues?

    ReplyDelete
  32. Ashley StoneJanuary 16, 2011 at 2:28 AM

    creative!! haha

    ReplyDelete
  33. mrecanJanuary 16, 2011 at 5:55 AM

    hahahawesome. i wish someone had the guts to do that

    ReplyDelete
  34. Speedy EdJanuary 16, 2011 at 7:00 AM

    titally a fan awesome post

    ReplyDelete
  35. MarnieJanuary 16, 2011 at 7:55 AM

    Hilarious. I'm sure there must be a lot that doesn't make it to television.

    ReplyDelete
  36. JayPowerJanuary 16, 2011 at 10:24 AM

    Lmao dr phill annoys me, but this made me laugh, you go man ;D

    ReplyDelete
  37. Louise F NZJanuary 16, 2011 at 6:37 PM

    Sooooo, the guinea pig nips huh? I am doing stupid happy dances (in my head) that I found your blog! You rock!

    ReplyDelete
  38. MarleneJanuary 17, 2011 at 7:05 PM

    I'm rootin' for you and the guinea pig!!!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Babes MamiJanuary 18, 2011 at 7:31 PM

    I can not stand Dr Phil!

    ReplyDelete

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