Saturday, January 15, 2011

HOW I COULD GET DOCTOR PHIL TO KICK ME OFF HIS STAGE AND TELL ME TO GO F*CK MYSELF


I figured since it’s a holiday weekend (and no one will be plugged into the net) I’d treat myself you to this.


Phil: We’re back, and we are with the Cohen’s. And like all new parents they are dealing with a problem that plagues our country – BITING KIDS. So how old  is little …

Jesse: Bailey. She’s a tween

Phil: Ooo a tween. That’s serious. Has she bitten anyone else? You know, like in school or at a friend's house?

Jesse: No, just us.

Phil: So when does the biting occur?

Jesse: When she’s sleeping on our lap. We try to wake her up, and that’s when…um…well she nips first, then she bites.

Phil: You let a 12 yr. old girl sleep on your lap?

Jesse: Technically she’s 3 months old.

Phil: I thought you said she’s a tween?

Jesse: She is. Guinea pigs are of adolescent age around that time.

Phil: Beg your pardon. You’re gonna have to speak up, I have a trick ear left over from NAM.

Jesse: Well I was saying Guinea pigs are…

Phil: (to audience) Let’s go to commercial folks. (whispers to me) I thought you told the producers in the green room you had a kid that bites?!

Jesse: Hey if you were in NAM, that would make you …

Phil: Answer the f*cking question.

Jesse: I did. She does bite.

Phil: You have a f*cking Guinea pig!

Jesse: She's still a kid.

Phil: Look son…

Jesse: I’m 40 yrs. old.

Phil: Look, Oprah’s got a lot riding on me. I really don’t have time for this. So you and your wife are going to get up. Get the f*ck off my stage. Go back to the green room and grab that little rodent...

Jesse: Guinea Pi…

Phil: …And never, ever cross my path again. SECURITY!!!!

THE END

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40 comments:

  1. i am so not a Dr. Phil fan he annoys me

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  2. That would be my goal if life, to get knocked off his stage. I'd probably analyze him back and why his wife has to sit in the audience and wait for her man to take her arm at the end of the show.

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  3. Where do you come up with this stuff? Do you dream in technicolor? What a riot. I can't stand Dr. Phil. Oprah either.

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  4. Hearing Dr Phil say eff you would be the highlight of my life. LOL

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  5. I think he's got a lock on the worlds most pretentious douchebag award.

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  6. The same thing happened to me, only my tween is a hamster, and the biting HAS to stop, before kicking you off did Phil make ANY suggestions? Did he call Oprah and ask her opinion? Please post a follow-up, I'm running out of band-aids.

    my cyber house rules

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  7. Fantastic! Very visual.
    I was hoping for a great "bite" scene between the "tween" and Dr.Butthead!

    You've got a great sense of humour!
    Jenny

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  8. I don't know. I think the Doc's got the perfect team of professionals in Southern Texas ready to work with the 3 of you. But you need to agree to work hard. He's flying a pilot in right now.
    Great post.
    xoRobyn

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  9. I thought you were going to say "and shove it up yer arse" but gerballing thats entirely different post, right?

    Right.

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  10. that egotistical SOB needs to start treating himself for Narcissistic Personality Disorder!
    Great post Jesse! Another classic...

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  11. so??? is bailey cured or not?!?!?

    you can't just drop a hot story right in the middle of it like that, j, you asshat.

    unless the ending somehow involves richard gere. in which case, i don't care how it fucking ends, i don't want to know.

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  12. hahaha I totally hate Dr.Phil, what a douche.

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  13. Dr.Phil needs to go f*ck himself and call it a day!

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

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  14. Dr. Phil doesn't like Guinea pigs?

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  15. Simplest way to get booted? "I'm completely normal, happy and well adjusted. I have no hang-ups or telegenic perversions."

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  16. HOW I COULD GET DOCTOR PHIL TO KICK ME OFF HIS STAGE AND TELL ME TO GO F*CK MYSELF?

    That's easy.
    Wear his wife's panties on your head when it's time to go out on stage.

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  17. I lol'd. Hate that guy, and his terrible show.

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  18. I have a turtle that bites. Any clues?

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  19. hahahawesome. i wish someone had the guts to do that

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  20. Hilarious. I'm sure there must be a lot that doesn't make it to television.

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  21. Lmao dr phill annoys me, but this made me laugh, you go man ;D

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  22. Sooooo, the guinea pig nips huh? I am doing stupid happy dances (in my head) that I found your blog! You rock!

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  23. I'm rootin' for you and the guinea pig!!!

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