HOW I COULD GET DOCTOR PHIL TO KICK ME OFF HIS STAGE AND TELL ME TO GO F*CK MYSELF

I figured since it’s a holiday weekend (and no one will be plugged into the net) I’d treat myself you to this.

Phil: We’re back, and we are with the Cohen’s. And like all new parents they are dealing with a problem that plagues our country – BITING KIDS. So how old  is little …

Jesse: Bailey. She’s a tween

Phil: Ooo a tween. That’s serious. Has she bitten anyone else? You know, like in school or at a friend's house?

Jesse: No, just us.

Phil: So when does the biting occur?

Jesse: When she’s sleeping on our lap. We try to wake her up, and that’s when…um…well she nips first, then she bites.

Phil: You let a 12 yr. old girl sleep on your lap?

Jesse: Technically she’s 3 months old.

Phil: I thought you said she’s a tween?

Jesse: She is. Guinea pigs are of adolescent age around that time.

Phil: Beg your pardon. You’re gonna have to speak up, I have a trick ear left over from NAM.

Jesse: Well I was saying Guinea pigs are…

Phil: (to audience) Let’s go to commercial folks. (whispers to me) I thought you told the producers in the green room you had a kid that bites?!

Jesse: Hey if you were in NAM, that would make you …

Phil: Answer the f*cking question.

Jesse: I did. She does bite.

Phil: You have a f*cking Guinea pig!

Jesse: She's still a kid.

Phil: Look son…

Jesse: I’m 40 yrs. old.

Phil: Look, Oprah’s got a lot riding on me. I really don’t have time for this. So you and your wife are going to get up. Get the f*ck off my stage. Go back to the green room and grab that little rodent...

Jesse: Guinea Pi…

Phil: …And never, ever cross my path again. SECURITY!!!!

THE END

THE PERFECT BITCH SLAP FOR BLACK FRIDAY

Unfortunately my words of wisdom are probably too late for all you die-hard BLACK FRIDAYers. You guys have probably been out since 5am. However, for all you casual shoppers here’s a BITCH SLAP technique tip that will not only reward you with that last item you want, but also minimize injury* (to yourself).

Say you’re in MACY’s and you have-to-have the last Charter Club Plus Size Sweater, Cashmere Crewneck that’s regularly $109.00 – NOW only $49.99!!

You grab for the sweater just as another bitch (customer) does. Here’s how you should slap her hand.

Notice how all the fingers are positioned – splayed and flat.

Here’s the wrong way to slap. 

Awkward finger positioning could cause a thumb sprain or break.

Happy Holiday shopping! Be safe!!!

* - Information provided from the now defunct site shopMama.org, eHow, and Doctor Oz. 

I’M A BLOGGING SUCCESS…BE HAPPY FOR ME.

Just found out my blog is going to be made into a book.

I’m already getting gobs of advance money for the follow up novel.

Oprah will swoon over me. 

I’m positive I’ll be a NY Times best selling darling.

I will appear on the cover of a hot, smart magazine.

FOX will greenlight a sitcom based on my blog that will follow GLEE on Tuesday nights at 9PM (ET/PT).

I will be seen at parties with Tom Hanks and the guy that produces Tom Hank’s movies.

And yeah it’s all bullsh*t, but I can dream. Right? Happy Monday.

APPLE BOTTOM JEANS: MYSTERY REVEALED…TO ME!

Funky Cold Medina is a vodka-ish drink. Naughty By Nature’s OPP is…well, I eventually got it. Actually, at first I thought it was a gym in Southern California (the video has everyone working out – sue me!) NOW upon reaching my adult age, I am man enough to admit that I am a hip-hop faker. To begin with, I rarely ever hear a hip-hop song when it first comes out. It doesn’t reach me even after radio play. Nope, I’m usually introduced to the beat either in a commercial, CW episode, a Today’s Show Friday concert or movie. Of course, when younger people at work ask me if I’ve heard the song, I will say I know it and get the double meaning of the lyrics. Neither which are true. Apple Bottom jeans is one such term that has recently eluded me. I finally heard Flo Rida belt it out on stage in front of a rockin’ Al Roker and Meredith Vieira (both apparently got it). At first I thought Apple Bottom was a dance, like Jiggy-ing or Lombada. WRONG. Then I finally got the jean part, but I thought they were a new type of bell-bottoms (like Valerie Bertinelli used to wear on One Day at a Time – YOWZA!!) I was close. They are jeans, but the Apple Bottoms is the brand name (and how they fit women). The line was created by Nelly, Yomi Martin & Ian Kelly. Oprah and Ellen have worn ‘em. Tom Cruise’s character even did the bump and shake in them in Tropic Thunder. And now, finally, the Apple Bottoms mystery is solved for me. Now what the hell is a Shawty?