CHEST HAIR EXPOSURE ETIQUETTE

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

Recently I went on bad date number 34. This one was actually a fix up, not Match. My coworker swore up and down that this guy and me were like star-crossed lovers. Soulmates. I hadn’t TIVOd anything of importance so I thought, "what the hell." We met at a restaurant somewhere in the middle (rhymes with Smapplebees). I got there late, and he was already at the bar enjoying some micro-fall-brew on tap. He turned all the way around to greet me and WHOA, the man looked like he was hiding an Ewok in his shirt. He had 3 buttons undone! THREE! And right on his thick nest of chest hair sat a gold chain. Really? Committed to the chain are we? Look, when it comes to looks, I am totally NOT the shallow type. As long as the guy is funny and sweet-ish, I can overlook some of his more quirky features. I even understand the abnormal hair growth. My Russian ancestors blessed me with hairy arms. I feel his pain. I just don’t understand why he’d want to call attention to it. Maybe if it was ‘72, and we were in the porn industry it’d be different. My personal preference for chest hair is similar to how I feel women should properly display cleavage. Give a little peek – a hint of mystery if you will. Don’t go for broke, especially on the first date. Overexposure sends the wrong message. Period. As far as the unbuttoned look goes, he’d be totally fine if he added an undershirt – Not see through!

As to how the date went – my Sizzling Orange Chicken Bowl was cold, he droned on about his investment job, I lost a contact, and he asked if we could go Dutch. It’s safe to say I won’t see him on date 35. I also disowned my friend.

WARNING: Extremely painful to watch.

BIRD POOP FACIAL? SURE, BRING IT ON!

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

Do you realize how much pain and torture I go through just to look half way decent on a subpar Match.com date? For starters, I’m lucky enough to be blessed with my (Eastern European) great grandmother’s genes. Not that she wasn’t an amazing lady. Far from it. From what I heard, she was known for her inner strength. Of course, I cry at the drop of the hat. No, what I inherited from great grandma Neta was her abnormal amounts of arm hair, wide birthing hips, bushy eyebrows and extra broad shoulders. Yay me! So yes, I’m used to the pain we ladies go through to look socially presentable (in the eyes of men and the cover of Sassy). However, now I’m finding I can add one more insult to my injury-filled routine – bird poop. Apparently it’s the latest rage in Paris. The Geisha “Bird Poop” facial is made with all natural ingredients like Japanese rice bran, natural enzymes and Ugisu (aka: Nightingale droppings). Supposedly this stuff gives you a natural glow with the porcelain looking skin of a geisha girl (hence the name). So now I need bird poop on my face to look good? Sure, bring it on. I mean, next to the waxing, plucking and cramming myself into outfits, a feces facial is a walk in the park. Unfortunately, it seems a bit out of my price range. Celebrities are paying something like $350 – $500 per visit. So unless they make a cheaper pigeon poop version, that’s too rich for my blood.

Check out Kathie Lee and Hoda taking bird crap.

GOTH LOOKING FOR LOVE AND VAMPIRES IN COTTONWOOD, IDAHO!

by Greg Colfaz (NWM Staff Writer)

Being a 25 yr old Goth in Cottonwood, Idaho has been (to put it nicely) – an uphill battle. I work at Reiner’s grocery (on King Street – in case you ever drive through, on a dare). So it’s kinda hard to meet other folks who share my same interests. At night, the options don’t get any better. I’m usually locked into Keuterville’s pub (Pabst on tap and the Mariner’s on the flat screen). No future Girlfriend of the Night there. Truth be told, I’m not even a full-fledged Goth yet. I just shaved my head and got a silver skull earring – in my ear. Anything more, and the manager said I’d be unnerving to the older customers. So pretty much my only option (to celebrate my inner Goth) is the ol’ Thinkpad laptop, in my parents’ basement. Again, this scene is all new to me, but I was shocked by all the Goth club/dating sites out there. Plus Gothism has like a crazy amount of subcategories: Death Metal Goths, Geek Goths, Pagan Goths and Fetish Goths. The most popular (thanks to Twilight and True Blood) seems like the Vampire Goths. At first glance, I found a bunch of big singles sites. Some of the standouts to me (they had the most pictures) were Vampirerave, gothscene and vampirepersonals. All of ‘em are similar to Match, in the sense you need to fill out a profile and all that. Though I’ve found the Goth bios to be a smidge darker. At this point, I’ve made no love connection. Apparently, Cottonwood isn’t the haven for the fanged fatales. It’s fine for now, ‘cause if one answered I wouldn’t know what to do. Everything I’ve wiki-read says that V-Goths enjoy doing ritualistic stuff on their dates (like the real vamps). If bowling and dinner goes really well, they’ll most likely bite you (with custom made fangs). Then partake in a sip of the human red-sauce (wiki didn’t say how much). Some even like to sleep with their mates in coffins. To be honest I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet, except maybe with the bi curious Pilates instructor – Bite4bitegirl22 (a looker indeed). If by some miracle (or the Goth Pagan God Tamuzz answers my prayer) and something does happen, I’ll be sure to update.