RACKING YOUR BRAIN FOR A GREAT EXCUSE? USE A DEAD RELATIVE.

Summer is the prime season for excuses. Mostly these gems are used to get out of work (to start a vacation early), or to miss  yet another annoying summer BBQ. On the one hand you want the excuse to be horrible enough that no one will question you (a sick relative, accident, etc.). On the other hand, if you use someone who is alive (as part of the excuse) you don’t want to jinx that person. God forbid that person really gets sick or dies. You’ll feel like sh*t. My solution to you is to use one of your already dead relatives. You can’t make their situation any worse. That person is dead! So give Great Aunt Rita any disease you want. Let Uncle Herb get mugged. Hell, let your great grandma get hit by a truck. What do they care?

CREATE GUILT-FREE PLANNED EXCUSES

A lot of people have trouble crying on cue (myself included). Which is vital if you are going to offer up any of the last second above excuses to a friend or boss. If this is hard for you  use a "dead relative planned" excuse instead. You know, like a scheduled surgery or treatment. This way you can dial down your emotions a bit. Plus, you can also use the excuse for any future day you want to be out.

NEVER USE A FUNERAL

Trust me, this one will bite you in the ass. If you use this excuse on close friends, they’ll want to attend. If you use it on your boss, he or she might get the whole company to send flowers. Take my advice and stay far, far away from this one.

YOUR DEAD RELATIVE WOULD BE PLEASED

Aside from the excuse being jinx-proof and guilt-free, it’s a sweet way to honor a departed one. I mean what dead relative wouldn’t want to receive a grieving encore? Win, Win situation in my book.

You're welcome and have a happy summer on your terms!!!

HOW TO MASTURBATE EVEN IN A HOUSE FULL OF ANNOYING RELATIVES.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

In my house the Christmas merriment doesn’t last one day…no sir. Try 3 days!!! My wife and I have been blessed with a crapload of immediate family. Relatives who just love to come out of the woodwork from all over to celebrate with us. And unfortunately, they don’t seem to get the hint that Jesus’s B-day ends at 11:59pm tonight. Nope, they’ll be here ‘til around Saturday / Sunday-ish. Which definitely puts a cramp on my tug-time. The only place I can hope to have a remote chance of any type of peace and quiet is in the shower. Though that isn’t even guaranteed, except if you take the following measures.

Step 1. Shower After-hours: Once old and young are in bed (including the wife.)

Step 2. Erotic Equipment: Sneak in all visual aids (Maxim, Stuff, Victoria Secret catalog) you need hidden within the pages of a newspaper.

Step 3. Tug Prep: As soon as you enter the bathroom lock the door and turn the shower on. You should have at least 3.5 minutes to access the visual materials (for mental image purposes) before the wife starts wondering what’s taking so long.

Step 4. Lube It: To quicken the masturbatoral experience use a water safe lubrication like soap or shaving gel which won’t arouse suspicion from the wife.

Step 5. Exit Strategy: Make sure secretions are cleaned off floor of the tub and mags are safely tucked away in the newspaper before leaving bathroom.

Step 6. Done: Enjoy a good night sleep.