SURPRISINGLY I NEVER MASTURBATED TO RITA MORENO – HOWEVER SHE DID MAKE ME FEEL ALL TINGLY.

Hey, you asked. Didn’t you? Well, if ya didn’t I’m sure it was on your mind. So my Rita Moreno moment must’ve occurred in, let's see...1976. I was either a spry 5 or 6 yr. old (depending on the month). Moreno, who had a successful acting career (best known for playing Anita in the 1961 West Side Story), was now enjoying a run on the Electric Company. 

The show was basically kissing cousins to Sesame St. Only this children's program boasted huge star power like …

Morgan Freeman (Easy Reader)

Mel Brooks

Joan Rivers

Gene Wilder

Luis Avalos

The great Zero Mostel

and of course Rita Moreno

THE TINGLY MOMENT

So again, I was at that age that “playing with myself” included Matchbox® cars, and Star Wars figures®. However, that all changed-ish when I saw that one steamy episode of the Electric Company. In one of the "learning lesson" skits Ms. Moreno dressed up like a fairy princess. The dress had a gold sparkly tight top complete with long flowing poofy bottom. [How's that for a guy description?] I was glued to her the moment she magically appeared with the letter H. Mesmerized. Before she was just a stupid girl and now, she was something special. A vision. She made me feel all tingly. Again, I had no clue what that meant – I just knew I had to spend more time with Ms. Moreno.

Thankfully, PBS reran that episode of EC like every other day. So my princess and I spent lots of special moments of tingle time together. FYI…Electric Company is on DVD now. 

I’m tempted to pick that season up…um for my niece and nephew (after a viewing or two).

BONUS Moreno Tingly moment

SOCIETY SAYS YOU CAN’T MAKE LOVE TO SHEEP, BUT I HAVE A PLAN (part 2)

If you read this blog you’ll realize no forbidden, taboo topic is safe from me. To get you up to speed, here’s part 1 to this ongoing series. Again I’m not condoning that a Zoophile should act on his (or her) impulses. In fact I’m doing just the opposite. I’m giving them a legal alternative that will totally fulfill these unnatural urges. You're welcome.

Step 1. Buy a mobile home or RV. Trust me, it will pay off for all you true zoophiles out there.

Step 2. Buy multiple packs of bedding and tissues for your RV.

Step 3. Purchase a digital camera.

Step 4. Go online and research all the upcoming State Fairs across the country.

Step 5. Go to a State Fair.

Step 6. Attend a livestock show.

Step 7. Meet and talk with all the owners in the sheep category.

Step 8. Ask the owner if he (or she) wouldn’t mind taking your picture with the sheep you fancy. Touch the sheep for sensation, but remember to show some restraint and not over do it.

Step 9. With the mental images fresh in your head and the digital pics in your camera, excuse yourself politely and run to the RV to pleasure yourself. 

Step 10. Discard soiled sheets and tissues at night so not to arouse suspicion. Remember to delete photos as well.

Step 11. Journey on to the next fair.

BEST TISSUES TO USE POST-MASTURBATION

Straight. Gay. Sheep lover. It doesn’t matter what fantasy you use for your solo act. In the end we guys are all left with the same mess – An unsightly puddle of creamy Italian [Sorry ladies].

Now some will say an old sock or underwear is the way to go. I just feel like you’re making more problems for yourself using stuff like that. For one thing you can't throw out a sock every time you jerk-off (unless you're Donald Trump – nice visual). And you know you’re not going to wash it every time. Especially at 1:30am when you’re shirtless in front of your laptop and the wife is asleep (just a made-up example that relates in no way to my life).

So why do I like tissues? My main reason is their disposable. Just wipe, toss, and flush. So without further adieu here are my top Spank-tacular picks.

SCOTTIES® FACIAL TISSUE: The strongest of the bunch. I get absolutely no GOO-GRABBERS. Those are the tiny pieces of sperm stained tissues that latch on to your um little head. They stick on just like when you use a tissue for a shaving cut…and believe me they are just as hard to get off. The other reason is that Scotties® tissues are hypoallergenic. Meaning there’s no annoying scent and no chance my sensitive skin will get a rash.

PUFFS®: Even though I’m not big on the smell, I’m ok that the tissues are laced with lotion. It makes for an easier, smoother wipe. Though BE WARNED this tissue is lacking in strength so you will get a fair number of GOO-GRABBERS.

KLEENEX® Travel Packs: These are great for on-the-go-spanks like hotel bathrooms or your parent inlaws’ guest room (don’t ask). Strengthwise it’s a solid tissue. To me, it’s just a tad too soft. Which I feel slows down cleanup a wee(wee) bit.  

YES, I HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY AROUSED BY BETTY WHITE’S BREASTS TWICE IN MY LIFE.

I’m 39 years of age. So it is safe to say the more senior Betty White really did something to my loins (crotch)…on two separate occasions. If you haven’t thrown up in your mouth yet, please, join me on this wondrous journey down mammary lane.

 Occasion #1: CAROL BURNETT SHOW – Mama’s Birthday (1978)

I think when this episode aired I was 7.5 years old. So I really hadn’t gotten a grip on my manly urges yet. All I knew is I liked Betty White in her tight, mint green turtleneck. Especially when she seemed a bit winded (after arguing with Carol Burnett) and had to take a deep breath. Pure heaven for my groin.

Occasion #2: GOLDEN GIRLS – The Competition (1985)

At this point I am now 14 going on 15. Well into my early masturbating years. No internet at this time so I had to resort to my imagination, Sears catalogs, and yes, TV. NO, Golden Girls wasn’t my usual source for spank material. I was always partial to T.J. Hooker (with Heather Locklear) and Greatest American Hero (with Connie Sellecca). Of course that was until I gazed upon Betty White in this GG bowling episode. Again she had me the moment she took a deep breath in that satin, pink bowling shirt. Spectacular.

HOW MANY A-THONS CAN ONE COUNTRY HAVE?

by Greg Colfaz (NWM Staff Writer)

Hey from Cottonwood, Idaho. America is the #1 country in the free world. I know this ‘cause that’s more or less what it says on some bumper sticker I see on a dude’s Chevy Truck (gun rack included) every morning while driving to work. I also know this because along with movies, gossip blogs and ipods we lead the world in the production of A-thons.

Probably at the top of the list is the classic Walk-A-thon – thousands of feet marching along for a cure or to raise money. We also have generous helpings of show-a-thons around the holidays to offset the zero new stuff on TV. But we don’t stop there. Nope. We A-Thon for just about any thought or diversion our brains can process. Here are the top 3 Google spit out for me.

2009 TWEET-A-THON: A 12 hour event that teamed up Twitter and Ustreem. The goal is to help Americans understand the true power of the tweet. FYI…30 Twitter celebs participated. Do MC Hammer and Wil Wheaton ring any bells?

MASTURBATE-A-THON: No joke, ‘cause they have a webpage. And if you have a webpage it has to be real. This yearly San Francisco event apparently has people gather in a hot, sweaty room and (in the immortal words of George Carlin), “wax the dolphin!” Raises money for sex and culture.

CHARITY-PONG-A-THON: 80 co-ed teams certainly drank their faces off for a worthy cause – The National MS Society. Last year’s Washington DC event raised a little over 10K bucks. Upping the grand total for the entire 2009 Pong-A-Thon series to over 45K.

ADVICE FROM A MAN THAT MADE LOVE TO A MICROWAVED CANTALOUPE.

Can’t give away this individual’s identity so lets just call him Thor (The God of Thunder) for now. I guess it’s going on 18 years ago when Thor (after 5.6 Zimas) admitted to such a lewd act. Though he did preface it by saying that this was shown to him by countless others in his social circle. Anyway, if you still have the stones or morbid curiosity to continue on, here are his 10 easy steps to MAKING LOVE TO A CANTALOUPE. Again, I AM IN NO WAY ENDORSING THIS TYPE OF PRODUCE PLEASURE, just simply recalling an amusing tale.

Step 1. Choose a healthy looking cantaloupe or honeydew melon.

Step 2. On one side cut a hole big enough for your penis to comfortably enter the melon.

Step 3. On the other side make a small hole as big as an eraser, and make sure it reaches all the way to the vagina side.

Step 4. Heat the melon, but not for too long (try intervals of 15 seconds before you achieve the right temperature.) MAKE SURE IT'S NOT SCALDING HOT!

Step 5. On the vagina side, squirt in some baby oil or other form of preferred lubrication.

Step 6. Firmly grab melon and lower to crotch level.

Step 7. Insert penis.

Step 8. While pulling out penis place finger on hole on the other side (this should create a type of suction that will add more pleasure to the experience...I guess.)

Step 9. Discard cantaloupe.

Step 10. Never tell another living soul.

HOW TO MASTURBATE EVEN IN A HOUSE FULL OF ANNOYING RELATIVES.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

In my house the Christmas merriment doesn’t last one day…no sir. Try 3 days!!! My wife and I have been blessed with a crapload of immediate family. Relatives who just love to come out of the woodwork from all over to celebrate with us. And unfortunately, they don’t seem to get the hint that Jesus’s B-day ends at 11:59pm tonight. Nope, they’ll be here ‘til around Saturday / Sunday-ish. Which definitely puts a cramp on my tug-time. The only place I can hope to have a remote chance of any type of peace and quiet is in the shower. Though that isn’t even guaranteed, except if you take the following measures.

Step 1. Shower After-hours: Once old and young are in bed (including the wife.)

Step 2. Erotic Equipment: Sneak in all visual aids (Maxim, Stuff, Victoria Secret catalog) you need hidden within the pages of a newspaper.

Step 3. Tug Prep: As soon as you enter the bathroom lock the door and turn the shower on. You should have at least 3.5 minutes to access the visual materials (for mental image purposes) before the wife starts wondering what’s taking so long.

Step 4. Lube It: To quicken the masturbatoral experience use a water safe lubrication like soap or shaving gel which won’t arouse suspicion from the wife.

Step 5. Exit Strategy: Make sure secretions are cleaned off floor of the tub and mags are safely tucked away in the newspaper before leaving bathroom.

Step 6. Done: Enjoy a good night sleep.

A 42 YR. OLD MARRIED GUY’S GUIDE TO MASTURBATING.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

First off, let me just say that I love my wife and two daughters. I also REALLY love to masturbate. It’s been a fun hobby that has served me well since I was around 13. As I got older my priorities in life changed, but never my need for beating the snake. Unfortunately as of late, one seems to cut into the other a bit more than I’d like. Now I have work and house stuff to do. I have kids that need to be dropped off at school and all their other extracurricular activities. Plus I’ve got play-dates, birthday parties at little kid gyms…let’s just say I have a full plate. Still, I am determined. Which means I WILL always find a way to fit in at least two tugs a day. No matter what. Here are my usual "tickle the pickle" times.

MORNING SHOWER (7:34am): At this time of day my wife is fixing breakfast for the kids. So they are all pretty much occupado. I can usually get about 15 minutes of pure alone time.

Positives: Lots of lubricant and the ability to clean off quickly.

Negatives: No access to spank materials.

LATE NIGHT IN THE BASEMENT (10:32PM): Kids and the wife are asleep so I have about 3 plus hours at my disposal.

Positives: High-speed desktop computer with a 20” LCD monitor.

Negatives: Thin walls so I need to use headphones for video files. Door to basement doesn’t lock.

***WEEKEND AFTERNOON BONUS****

LAPTOP IN DEN (2:23PM): At this time I have almost 2 hours and change. The wife is picking up the girls at soccer, then grabbing something for dinner.

Positives: Have access to the laptop and DVD player (for secret porn stash) – whatever strikes my fancy.

Negative: Can’t guarantee the kids and wife won’t come home early and catch daddy in the act.