HOW TO MASTURBATE EVEN IN A HOUSE FULL OF ANNOYING RELATIVES.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

In my house the Christmas merriment doesn’t last one day…no sir. Try 3 days!!! My wife and I have been blessed with a crapload of immediate family. Relatives who just love to come out of the woodwork from all over to celebrate with us. And unfortunately, they don’t seem to get the hint that Jesus’s B-day ends at 11:59pm tonight. Nope, they’ll be here ‘til around Saturday / Sunday-ish. Which definitely puts a cramp on my tug-time. The only place I can hope to have a remote chance of any type of peace and quiet is in the shower. Though that isn’t even guaranteed, except if you take the following measures.

Step 1. Shower After-hours: Once old and young are in bed (including the wife.)

Step 2. Erotic Equipment: Sneak in all visual aids (Maxim, Stuff, Victoria Secret catalog) you need hidden within the pages of a newspaper.

Step 3. Tug Prep: As soon as you enter the bathroom lock the door and turn the shower on. You should have at least 3.5 minutes to access the visual materials (for mental image purposes) before the wife starts wondering what’s taking so long.

Step 4. Lube It: To quicken the masturbatoral experience use a water safe lubrication like soap or shaving gel which won’t arouse suspicion from the wife.

Step 5. Exit Strategy: Make sure secretions are cleaned off floor of the tub and mags are safely tucked away in the newspaper before leaving bathroom.

Step 6. Done: Enjoy a good night sleep.