AFTER 2,000 PLUS POSTS I’M AT A LOSS FOR WORDS

Ok, maybe a few choice words. I live in NYC (pigeon capital of the world), and I came across this poster in the East Village.

BEST FAKE DOG POOP!

For my money, I’d go with the true crafters of crap, Gagworks. I mean c’mon, just look at it. Perfect color. Just the right shape. And most important, it’s the perfect size. I feel like a lot of “Dog Poo” manufacturers seem to screw that one up. Too much poop is just plain offensive. Plus, the joke is over too fast. They’ll see it coming from a mile away. Price Per Poop = $4.89

SHOULD YOU PISS YOURSELF OR LOSE YOUR SUPER BOWL SEAT?

In one of my last Super Bowl posts (about spray cheese) I spoke of the differences between a party with married couples as compared to college-age kids (guys). Obviously if you factor wives into the equation it will be a somewhat civilized experience. The latter I'm afraid will literally be like Thunderdome (view Mad Max3 for definition). A prime example of this is when you get up to go to the bathroom during the game.

If it’s the husband and wives situation, you’ll get your seat back when you return. No one’s going to deny you and your significant other much needed PDA time during a major sporting event. If it’s the latter (and you have a prime view of the game) you could lose your seat depending on the type of friends you keep. That is UNLESS you do one of two things.

#1 – CALL IT.

This situation is similar to calling shotgun to guarantee the frontpassenger seat before entering a vehicle. Only in this case you are looking to keep the seat you have when you return from the bathroom. Unfortunately, I only know the proper procedure for the tri-state area (NY, NJ & CT). “keeping your seat” laws may differ in other parts of the country.

What you need to do before taking a leak...

When you have everyone’s attention recite the following phrase in an authoritative manner…

“HEY assholes! I’m going to take a leak. I call one-five on my seat.”

You can vary the curse words you use (fartknockers, d*ckheads, f*ckfaces, etc.) The most important part of the statement is the 1-5 part. That essentially is the couch version of shotgun. Alas, I could not find the origin of the code, but I do know (from experience) it is respected in my area. If you are unsure of the couch reserve code in your neck of the woods, simply ask the party host before the game to avoid confusion.

#2– NEVER LEAVE THE COUCH TO PISS.

Seems like quite the daunting task after you've had 8 to 10 brews. Not so if you have a modern miracle like the NEW Travel John. When you feel the need to relieve yourself simply unzip, use, seal and your done! It's that easy! The Travel John features…

• Biodegradable polymer that’s spill proof and odorless
• Puncture resistant pouch with spill guard to prevent back flow
• Unisex design
• No clean-up required, simply throw away
• Only 27 bucks for a pack of 18.
• Compact and lightweight for optimal ease-of-use while standing or sitting
• Hygienic, non-toxic and waste disposal safe
• Order now for only $26.29 (@ AllegroMedical)

PLEASE NOTE: This product is ONLY to be used for #1 not #2.

GO GIANTS!!!

GET CULTURED FOR THE SUPER BOWL

Looking to impress or get the snot beaten out of you by your friends? 

When you’re about to dig in to those hot wings go for a vintage instead of a brew – specifically a crisp, white Conundrum wine. 

Make sure it’s super cold so it will activate its secret ingredient Sémillon. It's a scientific something that essentially counteracts the spicyness in your tummy. My 7^th grade science teacher would be so happy I got that right. God rest his soul.

THE DEEP MEANING BEHIND ONE 80s SONG.

99 red balloons (Nena): This song is about 99 red balloons flying through the air that 2 military super powers mistake as a surprise attack. As a result, both countries retaliate causing a worldwide apocalypse.

WHO WANTS TO SEE AN HONEST-TO-GOD BLOGGER TOUCH A TAMPON DISPENSER IN THE LADIES ROOM?

You guys (ok gals) have like the coolest stuff in there. I mean you get presents just for going to the bathroom. And it even smells nicer. So jealous!

ARE YOU SNAKE MILKER MATERIAL?

Unfortunately, this economic funk has made us all reexamine our professional lives. People aren’t just looking for jobs with big paydays, but also something that will actually last for more than say, 6 months. For that, you need to work in an industry that people are always going to need. Acquire a position that will weather any economic storm. I’m sure you’re thinking it to, SNAKE MILKER. Yes there are some similarities to the more popular dairy farmer version (both positionsdeal with animals). However, in this case you’re not after cool, refreshing milk, but rather collecting the snake’s venom. A toxin that is the primary ingredient in creating an antivenom (used as an antidote when someone is bitten). Job requirements include: a BA in biology / herpetology (study of amphibians) and yes, probably a snake trainingcourse or two. Upside? Stable job with a decent salary. Downside, you’re working in a room full of freakin’ snakes every day. The job bites, literally.