1991 JOURNAL EXCERPT

by Not All There (NWM Staff Writer)

SEXIEST WOMEN OF 1987.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

Jessica Hahn, The secretary that caught the attention (and a little more) of televangelist / hubbie Jim Bakker.

Cybill Shepard (Maddi Hayes) steamed up the small screen in Moonlighting.

Daryl Hannah – from mermaid to Ms. Success in Wall St.

Paula Abdul, hot from the single “Forever your Girl”.

HOW TO PERFORM A FAKE, YET CONVINCING BITCH SLAP.

An effective, yet totally safe way to keep your street cred.

Step 1. Pick a confidant (someone you trust that won’t squeal.)

Step 2. Stage the “bitch slap” a wee distance from the group.

Step 3. Make sure you and your bitch slappee have enough distance between you so you’re hand won’t make contact (3ft should do the trick).

Step 4. Stare down your partner in a convincing way.

Step 5. Pre-determine a sarcastic remark he can say before you bitch slap him.

Step 6. Keep both hands at your sides. Then lift your bitch slap hand up to the side of your head with your elbow bent at a 90º degree angle.

Step 7. Swing your hand at the bitch slappee while lifting your other hand to the other side of the face.

Step 8. As your had slightly misses the person’s face it will connect with the other hand and make a clapping noise.

Step 9. Make sure the bitch slappee reacts in a convincing fashion. 

BOTCHED BITCH SLAP.

CYBER MONDAY DEAL: SAVE $$ ON THE CLUB ELIN USED TO “FREE” TIGER.

Sources are now saying the two possible clubs Mrs. Woods could have used were either a 9 or a 4 iron. If you act now you can save on both today!

Adams Golf a2 Iron Set (Men's, Right-Handed, Steel) / ONLY $199 at Amazon.

Callaway legendary performance X-22 IRONS / ONLY $699.

MDC Tour Iron Set / Only $179 at Customgolfstop.com.

‘TIS THE SEASON FOR “f’d up” BIZ CARDS.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

Couple of guys on the sales force in our company told me the holiday season is pretty much their best time to go trolling for perspective clients. People tend to get into the spirit and let down their gatekeeper guard to join them for drinks or lunch. Unfortunately, since they are just one of many vendors vying for 2010 business, face time is only half the battle. You need a hook. If you’re kind of a downer in the "winning personality cool guy" category, you might want to consider screwing around with your biz card. Cases in point…

Metalicard

Stretchy

Food

Lego toy gal

Standee of me

6 QUESTIONS FOR A SEMI-PRO PAPARAZZI?

So how much do you make for a photo? Depends. On average it can be a couple a hundred. A big payday for me would be 5 grand.

If you’re lucky enough to get that money shot (excuse the expression) how do you go about selling it? I create a low res version of the photo and place a watermark over it. That’s those symbols you see on stock photography to prevent people from using it. Since I don’t have an agent I email the photo myself to publication buyers.

What are some of the criteria the pubs look for? Obviously who the celebrity is is at the top of the list. Some of the other factors are quality of the photo and what the celebrity is actually doing.

What type of equipment is a MUST for your profession? Totally need to get a top quality digital camera with decent zoom lenses. Lots of memory cards (with mega-space) are also key.

Where’s the easiest place to catch some celebrity action? Movie shoots on location work best for me. If they have a talk show appearance, I usually hang outside the studio.

Do ever use any secret sources? I sometimes hire private investigators to do the legwork for me. It can be a big help, but it takes away from your profits.

BLACKOUT: THE GRAPHIC NOVEL

by Biz-Boy

BARTENDER MATT’S HALLUCINOGENIC SHOT.

In the mood to escape reality, legally? Get ready for some Green Fairy time with just one woof of this Absinthe shot.

FLAMING ASSWIPE

Ingredients:

• 1 oz absinthe herbal liqueur
• 1 oz benedictine herbal liqueur
• 1 oz Jagermeister® herbal liqueur
• Fire

Directions:

Pour Benedictine, Jagermeister, then absinthe in a shot glass. Light on fire, blow it out, and drink!

CELEBRITY REALITY ROLL CALL FOR 2010.

by Eddie Winkle (NWM Staff Writer)

You blink your eyes and already we're down to a month and change left for '09. Soon we'll be welcoming in 2010. Which means a whole new crop of mid-season reality shows. Here’s a sneak peek at 3 series that are hoping to make a big splash on the small screen.

FANTASIA: American Idol Season 6 winner will be starring in an unscripted series on VH-1. The show will go behind the scenes in Ms. Barrino’s everyday "mommy ‘n music" filled life.

KIRSTIE ALLEY: Fresh off her highly publicized weight loss and gain, comes the second round in the Kirstie Alley saga. A&E’s 10 episode series will delve deep into Kirstie’s life, which deals with a new weight loss program, producing a film and raising 2 daughters.

TONY ROBBINS: The king of motivation is taking his act on the road with NBC along for the ride. The show is being produced by Biggest Loser creators and will be centered around Tony trying to help people in need turn their lives around.

BOYLE BREAKDOWN NUMBER 2?

by KC (NWM Staff Writer)

Congrats to the over-zealous media monster. Fame has once again maybe caused yet another Boyle breakdown. Seems Susan Boyle was exhibiting some odd behavior at the Rock Centre café in Rockefeller Center in NYC. The 48 year old began to appear increasingly withdrawn and started to tremble and suck her thumb. A bit later Boyle was visibly overcome with emotion, she bowed her head and began to sob. She then performed a “lively dance” after realizing she was crying in front of the public. A spokesman said “Susan was just overjoyed and extremely touched with the reception she had from everyone in America.” Her first breakdown (after narrowly losing Britain’s Got Talent), landed her in a mental health hospital.

THE ART OF THE SHOPPER SHOVE & GRAB.

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

‘Tis the season to take advantage of tons of bargains at your neighborhood uber-mega-superstores. Of course to do that you need to wade through a sea of crazed shoppers. Now I’m a native NYer, so I’m no stranger to crowds. It does serve me well during the rest of year shopping in malls and department stores. However, during the holiday season, you need to up your game when it comes to the thrill of the bargain hunt. Here’s my 5step technique to improving your shopper shoving & grabbing skills.

THE SECRET GRAB

Step 1. Eye the prize: When looking for what you want DO NOT be obvious. Treat it like when your girlfriend asks you to nonchalantly look at a cute guy. If you get over-excited and look directly at the prize, you might alert a shopper that’s closer by.

Step 2. Take the angled path: B-lining straight for the product will alert other shoppers to your intended shopping item. So walk in a calm, angled fashion. Go near the product, but not right on top of it. When you are in striking (grabbing) distance, do a gradual turn towards the item in question. Then in a relaxed manner claim your prize.

THE SHOVE FACTOR

Step 3. Shove nicely: The most common misconception of “shopper shoving” is people think it needs to include some ‘tude. WRONG! Always be polite when shoving your way through crowds. Again, you just want to get to the prize, that's all. Pissing someone off will just take vital time away from reaching your goal. While moving through just simply say, “excuse me,” or “oops sorry, my bad,” and be on your merry way.

Step 4. Scoot don’t shove: Don’t bend in, or put your full force into a shove. That will only make the shovee think you’re out for blood, rather than an honest mistake. Instead do a "wiggle scoot" between people. You’ll make much less enemies that way.

Step 5. Hands up: Keeping your hands up while shoving is a sign of submission, that you are just trying the move through the crowd in peace. It also decreases your surface area making the "wiggle scoot" must easier (see diagram below).

HOTTEST NFL SIDELINE REPORTERS OF ALL TIME.

They are the supporting cast in the sports announcer world – the sideline reporters. Individuals blessed with the responsibility of updating us about an on-field injury, the bench climate, and any controversial calls. They are the ones that scramble across the field through a sea of bodies just to grab a perfect sound-byte from the coach or player before they enter the locker-room. Here are the fab five that've scored big points in talent and hotness.

PAM OLIVER: A vet of the sidelines. Started her career in Albany, Georgia in 1985 as a news reporter. In 1995 she was called up by FOX for the big games and has never looked back. In 2005 Pam also added the NBA to her sport sideline roster.

ALEX FLANAGAN: She’s been a sideline roamer for almost all the sports networks (NFL, NBC, FOX, ESPN). Her career highlight came in 2008 when she was chosen for sidelines duties for Super Bowl XLIII. Other than the NFL Alex has been a reporter for tennis, college football and the Olympics.

LINDSAY SOTO: Graduated from USC in ’98 and interned at Fox Sports. Before being drafted by the NFL network Lindsay served as a reporter for USC/UCLA games for FSN Prime Ticket.

MELISSA STARK: This foreign affairs graduate served in the sideline trenches for 3 years for ABC’s Monday Night Football in the early 2000s. Currently Melissa has jumped to the peacock network doing reporting for NBC’s The Today Show and MSNBC.

LISA GUERRERO: This 17 yr. vet took over ABC MNF sideline duties post-Melissa in the ’03 season. From there Lisa ditched her cleats for a spot in entertainment reporting on Inside Edition. She also co-hosted The World Series of Pop Culture for VH1, and most recently starred in the family film “A Plumm Summer.”

NEW NAIL POLISH COULD MAKE YOU RICH.

by KC (NWM Staff Writer)

I just fell victim to what I like to refer to as GIMMICK-FASHION.

THE HOOK:

3 lucky bottles of the NEW Essie Judith Ripka Limited Edition nail polish contain hidden treasures. Judith Ripka (the famous jewelry designer) has placed 3 of her gems (a diamond, emerald and sapphire) in three bottles out of the hundreds sold. Each bottle sells for ten bucks! A bit pricy for polish, but one lucky bottle could net you 100 times more.

QUESTIONS?

Of course this promotion sets a slew of questions in motion. Do I have that lucky bottle? If so how do I know? The gem is inside a tiny bottle that is not translucent in the least; so do I pour all the polish out? What if there is no gem? How do I get the polish back in the bottle?

My advice to you treasures seekers….buy a funnel.

KLINGON WORD OF THE DAY.

English:

SEX (v. to make love)

Klingon equivalent:

nga'chuq

SEXIEST PROFESSIONAL FEMALE BOWLERS.

The top female professionals in bowling with beauty to spare.

[Based on 2009 stats]

Carolyn Dorin-Ballard / pts. 123,600 /

total earnings = $36,300 / ranking (1)

Diandra Asbaty / pts. 78,100 /

total earnings = $17,800/ ranking (9)

Shannon O'Keefe / pts. 62,800 /

total earnings = $13,200 / ranking (14)

Kelly Kulick / pts. 5,300 / total earnings = $1,660 / ranking (21)

THE HEMP-TASTIC TURKEY LEFTOVER RECIPE.

A Thanksgiving leftover, Hemp-laced recipe they’ll not only love, it's also totally legal in all 50 states as well as Puerto Rico.

[courtesy of allrecipes.com]

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 recipe pastry for a (10 inch) double crust pie
• 4 tablespoons butter, divided
• 1 small onion, minced
• 2 stalks celery, chopped
• 2 carrots, diced
• 3 tablespoons dried parsley
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano
• 2 pinches of salt and pepper
• 2 cubes chicken bouillon
• 2 cups water
• 3 potatoes, peeled and cubed
• 1 1/2 cups cubed cooked turkey
• 3 tablespoons 3 cups of HEMP flour
• 1/2 cup Living Harvest Hempmilk (Tempt)

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Roll out bottom piecrust, press into a 10 inch pie pan and set aside Melt 2 tablespoons butter in a large skillet over medium heat; add the onion, celery, carrots, parsley, oregano, and salt and pepper. Cook and stir until the vegetables are soft. Stir in the bouillon and water. Bring mixture to a boil. Stir in the potatoes, and cook until tender but still firm. In a medium saucepan, melt the remaining 2 tablespoons butter. Stir in the turkey and flour. Add the milk, and heat through. Stir the turkey mixture into the vegetable mixture, and cook until thickened. Cool slightly, then pour mixture into the unbaked pie shell. Roll out the top crust, and place on top of filling. Flute edges, and make 4 slits in the top crust to let out steam. Bake in the preheated oven for 15 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C), and continue baking for 20 minutes, or until crust is golden brown.

MANY THANKS TO OUR VERY FIRST BLOG HATER: ASSME.ORG (MediaElites)

by Jesse A Cohen (NWM Staff Writer)

The folks at ASSME (Mediaelites) took time out of their busy day to do a bit of blog bashing aimed at our site. Personally, I think it’s the coolest thing in the world. At the very least, it means we are blog-topic worthy. We’ve even gotten a surge of viewers from just that article alone. Definitely proves the “No press is bad press” adage.

In all honestly, I do see the point of their article. It points out how our site advertises on Craigslist (A LOT) to get viewers. In their minds we’re sorta like the squeegee guys of the blog world. And to that I say, you’re half right. It absolutely is our goal to nab viewers, but it’s not only for the blog. We’re hoping it would help the writers as well. Here’s our simple Huffington-esque formula…

People write stuff on our blog

+

They get a writing credit for their resume

+

companies see their work

________________________

= WRITER GETS A JOB

So far (in the 4 months we've been around) NWM has been getting a steady stream of viewers that seem to like the content. How will that help writers like KC, Joshen, Jani, Barry, Tom, Eddie, Biz-Boy, Nameless Dad, Greg and others? Only time will tell.

BTW...Willy Loman? Really? We’re not that big yet, but thanks for the sentiment.

Click here to check out all that is ASSME.org (and don't forget to buy a t-shirt!!!!)

NOW I KNOW FOR A FACT…HOMELESS PEOPLE HAVE SEX!

by Joshen McEwen (NWM Staff Writer)

This is a description of a first hand encounter. This does not follow my normal news reporting style of article writing. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. I was walking home at approximately 11.15pm last night and passed a small playground. The type that is usually attached to a school or church and is no bigger than an average parking lot for a retail store. From the park, I could hear the grunts and squeals of what sounded like a woman being assaulted, I carefully approached the shadowy figures on the floor hoping that my presence would be enough to scare the creep off. Hoping I wouldn’t get assaulted myself (Never take this course of action, don’t be a hero.) Suddenly a smell like no other wafted into my nostrils, it was the most pungent, disgusting thing I ever dared smell. On the ground were two very dirty very tattered looking individuals telling me to get out of here. They seemed to be involved in what I can only describe as “happy wrestling”, at least that would be my G-rated term. Now I am not sure they were homeless, but they displayed all the tell tale signs. Amazed and disgusted I left and they continued. I never really took the time to grasp the concept that homeless people engage in sexual intercourse. Who would have known?

FROM SITCOM GIRLS TO FULL BLOWN HOTTIES.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

MADELINE ZIMA

THEN:

Played little Grace on The Nanny.

NOW:

Regular on Californication.

Reoccurring role on Heroes.

FHM cover girl.

KESHIA KNIGHT PULLIAM

THEN:

Went toe to toe with the Cos as the youngest Huxtable, Rudy.

NOW:

Played Miranda in House of Payne.

Supporting roles in Madea Goes to Jail and Beauty Shop.

JENNA VON OY

THEN:

Played Blossom’s best friend Six.

NOW:

Voiceovers for Dr. Dolittle 3 and Family Guy.

Starred in UPN’s The Parkers.

*****TV DRAMA BONUS****

LACEY CHABERT

THEN:

Played Claudia Salinger on Party of Five.

NOW:

Supporting role in Daddy Day Care.

Voiceovers for animated series (Spider-man, Bratz and Sonic the Hedgehog).

Fixture on the pages of Maxim.

CYBER MONDAY: BLACK FRIDAY'S KISSING COUSIN.

by KC (NWM Staff writer)
So cyber Monday is right around the corner. Seems it started in 2005 as " black Fridays online sibling". " e- tailers" put out their best online deals hoping to attract those who shop online , myself included. Just why is it such a big day? With the economy the way it is and the increase of online shopping , e-tailers are putting it all out there! So here are some cyber Monday tips:

• if you are confused about the game your kid wants, learn more at IGN before buying.

• if you think it's spam it probably is compare prices with online tools like NextTag or google product search.

• pay attention to the deal requirements, some sales actually start at specific times of the day.

-- Post From My iPhone

BLACK FRIDAY WEDDING PACKAGE SPECIALS IN SIN CITY.

This Black Friday save on the gift that'll keep on giving and giving. Check out these hot Chapel O’ Love prices in Las Vegas.

THE LITTLE CHURCH OF THE WEST

Beginning Package #1

• Chapel Fee
• Bride's Combination Rose & Daisy Bouquet
• Groom's Boutonniere
• Recorded Music
• Custom Certificate and License Holder
• Photo Package* #1
• (1) 8"x10" Print
• (1) 5"x7" Print
• (1) 4"x5" Print
• (2) Wallet Prints

ONLY $199

GRACELAND WEDDING CHAPEL

Viva Las Vegas package

• Use of Chapel

• Elvis will escort the Bride down the aisle

• Elvis will sing 2 songs

• Rose Presentation

• Rose Boutonniere

• Copy of Elvis and Priscilla's marriage certificate 

• Professional Photography

ONLY $199

A HOLLYWOOD WEDDING CHAPEL

OUR SPECIAL WEDDING

• Use of the chapel
• wedding music,
• flowers for the bride and groom to use
• a video tape of the wedding
• 12 color photos on film.

ONLY $99

SEXIEST FEMALE CANADIAN HOCKEY PLAYERS.

Shannon Szabados (Goaltender) This Edmonton native was named the Alberta Junior Hockey League Top Goaltender in ’06 – ’07.

Meghan Agosta (Forward) Originally from Ontario, Meghan had migrated to Mercyhurst College in Erie, PA. In 2009 she helped her team reach the final game of the 2009 NCAA tournament.

Jennifer Botterill (Forward) In 2008-09 Jennifer spent the season with the CWHL’s Mississauga Chiefs. And guys, she's originally from Winnipeg.

Catherine Ward (Defense) This Montreal-er was named CIS Championship MVP and all-star defenseman for the 2008-09 season.