UNLIKE MY 3RD COUSIN’S LEFT TESTICLE, HERE ARE 6 THINGS THAT WILL DEFINITELY FULLY DESCEND ON NEW YEAR’S EVE

FYI…he’s fine. Doug is married with a kid on the way. And besides, I’m not blood related to him. Anyhow, if the crystal ball in NYC doesn’t do it for you, here's some other crap falling out of the sky on New Year’s Eve. 

#1: GIANT ACORN (Raleigh, North Carolina)

#2: WALLEYE FISH (Port Clinton, Ohio)

#3: BIG ASS CRAB (Easton, Maryland)

#4: 3ft. GLOWING PICKLE (Mt. Olive, North Carolina)

#5: HARTLEY’S POTATO CHIP BAG (Lewistown, PA)

#6: A GIANT RUB SLIPPER WITH DRAG QUEEN Gary “Sushi” Marion (Key West, Fla)

3 LAME DRINKS YOU CAN MAKE FOR YOUNG NEW YEAR’S EVE GUESTS

On December 31st of 1978 my sister and I played kid bartenders/waiters at one of my parents’ New Year’s Eve parties. My great Aunt Gert (God rest her soul) had a creepy boyfriend (Walter) that was a fan of the classic boozes.  After stealing around 5.75 generous sips of his Wild Turkey on the rocks...

...I greeted 1979 hurling my chunky sacrifice into the porcelain god downstairs.  THE MORAL TO THE STORY… don’t be a CREEPY WALTER to young impressionable partygoers. Instead, whip up one of these lame libations (courtesy of Drinkmixer.com).

#1: EVIL PRINCESS

1 oz grenadine syrup

2 oz grape juice

1 oz apple juice

1 tbsp vanilla syrup

1 tbsp lemon juice

Mix with crushed ice in a glass and garnish with mint leaves.

#2: SAFE SEX OF THE BEACH

3 oz cranberry juice

3 oz grapefruit juice

2 oz peach nectar

1 maraschino cherry

Pour over ice in a chilled glass and stir. Garnish with a cherry.

#3: BLACK COW

2 scoops vanilla ice cream

10 oz root beer

1 tbsp chocolate syrup

1 1/2 oz whipped cream

maraschino cherries

Pour root beer over ice cream and chocolate syrup in a glass. Garnish with whipped cream and a maraschino cherry. Serve with a straw and a long spoon.

D*CK MOVE HELLO KITTY

Can’t tell you how many incarnations of the famous feline I’ve seen in my life. Let’s see, there’s the Hello Kitty pads ‘n pencils. The Hello Kitty plush toy. The Hello Kitty cartoon show. But Wow, what I witnessed at the green grocer today chilled me to the core of my soul. OOOO that reminds me of a wicked funny story about the chick from Joan of Arcadia…

...and the dude from police academy 2 & 3,

but it’s still too raw to post about it.

Anyway, back to the kitty that chilled me to the bone. I was in the green grocer and the following visual is what I saw.

Yep, cookies. Buttered sweet cookies doused with [drum roll please]...

 yummy, non-kid proof bourbon. 

Unfortunately it was a Japanese product so I couldn’t make heads or kitten tails of anything on the back. Though one thing did stand out.

There it was as plain as day – the B word again!!!

If anyone would care to enlighten me as to why Kitty would sell her soul 'n sobriety…I’m all ears. Or as they say in the far east… 運のたわごと[with sugar on top.]

BLIZZARD IN NYC LEFT ME NOTHING TO DO, BUT TO EAT A WHEAT THIN DIPPED IN PEPTO-BISMOL

It’s true. With 20 ft of snow outside of my apartment I was trapped in my apartment. And as a result, I was left with little nourishment to satisfy my increased food cravings due to an overindulgent holiday. So since I couldn’t enjoy my traditional post-holiday dessert (FroYo Phish Food with Hershey’s dessert topping)... 

....I made do with what I had. [enjoy]

Think I’m lying? That this is some form of trick photography? Take a look at the pink drip on the corner of the cracker.

WIKILEAKS DESIGNS FOR 2011 AND 2012 NEW YEAR’S EVE GLASSES

2010 might have been crappy for lots of things, but the celebratory eve glasses wasn’t one of ‘em. I mean just look how these numbers were number #1 with partygoers.

Unfortunately now we head into the rest of the decade with sh*tty numbers to work with. I mean what the F do you do with the number 1, 2 or even a 7? Fear not. Based on a bit of googling [my appetite pallet cleanser to porn surfing], the countdown to midnight might still be seen through rose colored glasses thanks to these incredible innovative '11/'12 designs.

Even if the world goes kablooey the next year look how stylish we’ll be...

WHERE CAN I DONATE MY OLD VIBRATOR TO HELP SOMEONE LESS FORTUNATE?

By now the wrapping paper has been tossed aside. Boxes are in the recycle bin. And all the brand spankin’ new (child and adult) toys are out and ready to be played with to death. If one of those shiny devices happens to be an all-powerful, smile-inducing vibrator – chances are you have an old one you’re about to toss in the trash. Well if it’s a snazzy LoveHoney Rabbit Vibrator (from the UK), STOP!!! You could actually send it back to LoveHoney and not only get a discount, but also bring joy to a needy woman’s vagina. It's simple...

OOPS: After further research I’m pretty sure this LoveHoney program is for helping the environment – not for poor vaginas. Though either way you’re doing something nice.

MERRY F---ING XMAS! I HAVE A RAGING HANGOVER FROM PLAYING POKER WITH MY JEWISH FRIENDS LAST NIGHT

I know. I know. You think we Jews are all about Chinese food and Blockbuster on the holiest of holy days. Well some of us are. I happen to fall into the camp that has an ongoing poker game with his friends since 1985. Too %$#^%  early to do math. 

As you can guess there is (was) alcohol involved – lots of it. And with that comes crazy talk. Last night was no different. Snippets of conversation starters included:

How do you initiate the sexual encounter in a rest stop?

Is it possible to get crabs at a gym? Twice?

Best time to refinance a house (earlier in the night)

Is it ok to masturbate on the host’s couch after everyone else passes out?

FYI…I won 30 bucks. I usually lose.

EVEN IF YOU’RE A DOUCHE WITH A DRINKING PROBLEM YOU CAN STILL IMPRESS YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S PARENTS X-MAS EVE

As you polish off a 12 pack for a mid-day snack, save one of the cans. Then right before you go to your gal pal’s folk’s house for X-mas Eve, do the following:

Step 1. Sober up (you need decent hand-eye coordination for this craft).

Step 2. Grab a scissors.

Step 3. Grab the empty can.

Step 4. Cut can top off.

Step 5. Cut sides of can into strips.

Step 6. Fold over strips into cool design.

Step 7. Leave one strip straight out to hook on Christmas tree branch.

Step 8. Enjoy the approving look your girlfriend’s parents give you.

6 CHORDS THAT WOULD’VE GOT YOU LAID IN 1989

Sorry ladies, but it’s true. The moment females heard this musical progression something would happen to their loins [do females have loins?] Before I divulge any more information, I never used this power. In fact, it was used on me twice…maybe 3 times in college by the same guy. Judd Something. Can’t remember his last name. Anyway, he’d come into my dorm room (with guitar in hand), play the classic riff, and steal the girl right from under me. Here are the chords. Notes? Tabs? Whatever.

1) Low D 

2) High D

3) A

4) Low G

5) High G

6) A / F#

Doesn’t ring any bells? If not, here’s a super-good clue

In 1987 (the same year the above song was released),Taylor Dayne coined the phrase “body rock”.

Still nothing? Click here for the big reveal.

FOR ARGUMENT SAKE LET’S SAY YOU WANNA TRANQ SANTA

Sure you could ask Santa to bring your kid a Furby….

…Or a LEGO missile launcher, 

...but honestly, wouldn't your kid rather have old Saint Nick himself? Think about all the benefits of keeping a real live Santa –

• He can create any toy you want
• He’s first cousins to Jesus (ask him lots of tough questions)
• Find out if Jersey Shore cast members are naughty or nice
• Play with his magic sack

HOW DO YOU TRAP A SANTA?

Lacing cookies and milk won’t cut it. The jolly fat man probably has centuries of practice sniffing that trick out. I’m thinking a high-powered tranquilizer gun is the only way to go. It'll take down Santa (or a rhino) before he can escape through the chimney. Here are my T-GUN choices.  

X-2 Gauged CO2 Pistol

Rotating rear barrel port for quick loading

Riffled 14 inch fluted stainless steel barrel

Virtually silent dart propulsion

Does NOT require federal firearm license

Conditional Life-time warranty

Lightweight at 3.04 lbs.

Only $1,150.00 (@ Pneu-Dart)

X-Caliber Gauged CO2 Rifle

Quiet (Virtually Silent)

Incredible Dart range and accuracy

Most Affordable on a per shot basis

Spring loaded rotating butt plate for quick loading.

Lightweight at 8.69 lbs.

Only $1,900.00 (@ Pneu-Dart)

#1 DART CHOICE 1.0 CC Type 'C' Dart 

($10.75 a 5 Pack)

Made of fortified plastic

Explodes on impact

MY TOP 6 TRANQ (SANTA SEDATIVE) DRUGS OF CHOICE:

- Combelen

- Dormicum

- Fentanly

- Immobilion

- Haloperidol

- Xylazine

PLEASE NOTE: All drugs are fast acting (within 10 seconds of injection), with little or no side effects (nausea, dizziness, death, etc.)

6 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT TURN OF THE CENTURY LOVE MAKING

#1: In the mid 1800s to the early 1900s, condoms were made by wrapping actual strips of rubber around penis molds and then cured in a chemical solution.

#2: In 1900, a night of passion at Chicago’s famous Everleigh (brothel) Club would cost you $50. A bottle of champagne would set you back you only 12 bucks. 

#3: Before he founded DC comics, Jack Liebowitz originally published nudie and sex pulp magazines.

#4: New York socialite Mary Phelps Jacob is credited for inventing the first modern design of the brassiere (bra).

#5: Paul Ehrlich discovered the cure for the STD Syphilis in 1909.

#6: Artist model Evelyn Nesbit was America’s sex icon of the early 1900s. She also helped plot the murder of her ex-lover / famous architect – Stanford White.