‘TIS THE SEASON FOR A CHRISTMAS PRESSED HAM

PRESSED HAM definition: Forcing your exposed buttocks on an unwilling individual (preferably a buddy).

Christmas variation can include, but not limited to…

• Wearing of a Santa hat on any part of the body.
• The insertion of a candy cane into any orifice.

MERRY F---ING XMAS! I HAVE A RAGING HANGOVER FROM PLAYING POKER WITH MY JEWISH FRIENDS LAST NIGHT

I know. I know. You think we Jews are all about Chinese food and Blockbuster on the holiest of holy days. Well some of us are. I happen to fall into the camp that has an ongoing poker game with his friends since 1985. Too %$#^%  early to do math. 

As you can guess there is (was) alcohol involved – lots of it. And with that comes crazy talk. Last night was no different. Snippets of conversation starters included:

How do you initiate the sexual encounter in a rest stop?

Is it possible to get crabs at a gym? Twice?

Best time to refinance a house (earlier in the night)

Is it ok to masturbate on the host’s couch after everyone else passes out?

FYI…I won 30 bucks. I usually lose.

CHRISTMAS EVE TV MARATHONS START…NOW!

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

All my friends and coworkers pretty much up and left work early today to make sure they got to their relatives (in states beyond) in time for Jesus’s B-day. Instead of fighting the early eve-traffic I’ll probably just stay home and head out X-Mas morning (since the folks are spitting distance). So tonight I have a date with a pint of Hagen Daz Chocolate, Chocolate something and a gaggle of these Christmas Eve Marathons.

GHOST HUNTERS (SyFy): Professional ghostbusters lug their thousand dollar equipment to old hotels where they may or may not hear a bump in the night.

DEADLIEST CATCH (Discovery Channel): Nothing says Christmas like a boat full of chum.

VH1 POP UP VIDEO: Learn all you need to know about cheddar cheesy videos from seasons past.

A CHRISTMAS STORY (TBS): Required viewing.

WHITE CHRISTMAS (AMC): Bing at his best.

YULE LOG (WPIX): A must for any studio apartment dweller.