GIVE THE GIFT OF HEPATITIS!

Looking for a way to show that special someone how much your really care? How about Hep A  – in plush toy form?Quirkygift.com has created a whole line of these cuddly communicable creatures. Collect the clap, the pox, Ebola and more. Each one hand sewn in the shape of that particular microbe. Also included with purchase are handy-dandy medical tips on how to avoid the real versions of these nasty little bugs. 

Click here to order the perfect disease, to delight someone you love. 

CUDDLE METHOD OF THE DAY

CHIN ON CHEST: I’d say this is a more popular move for old people. The main reason is it requires the least twisting and contorting. The classic position is the woman to place her head (chin) on the man’s (exposed or covered) chest. PLEASE NOTE: This position will definitely be a catalyst for deep discussions. Be prepared for lots of raw emotions and reflecting to come out. On the plus side, you really can’t sleep this way. So once 15 minutes are up you can head back to your side of the bed.

ODE TO A USED CONDOM ON THE SIDEWALK (encore-ish)

HOW TO COPY YOUR PRIVATE AREA WITHOUT SUSTAINING MAJOR INJURY

Step 1. With the help of a spotter (friend), use the box of paper to step up to the copy machine.

Step 2. Place yourself on glass and slightly remove undies or boxers.

OH YEAH, HERE'S ANOTHER EDIBLE THING THAT'LL MAKE YOU HORNY.

Fennel (herb): Rich in natural plant estrogens, good jump start for the female persuasion.

MY GUINEA PIG DOES HAVE A UTI

Yep, it’s official. The vet diagnosed her with a urinary tract infection. How do we know? The vet did a teeny tiny X-ray on her (for $130). Oh and charged me 30 bucks for the meds. Slap on a doc visit cost with no insurance and my little piggie got $275 attached to her original $40 net worth. Again, soooo relieved Bailey (my guinea pig) is on the road to recovery, just not so happy about the current price of teeny tiny medicine. 

YEP, I’M 88.6% SURE VIRGINIA MADSEN HAS A CRUSH ON YOURS TRULY

Just take a look at how many emails (in a row mind you) the “Sideways” chick sent me in one weekend.

 Sorry, I had to edit the headers ‘cause it seems Ms. M can be quite the minx.

MY GUINEA PIG MIGHT HAVE A UTI

That's a urinary tract infection. It happens as a result of guinea pigs dragging their butts so close to the ground. As a result they tend to get this dreadful-ish ailment. I'm very worried for Bailey (my guinea pig's name). But part of me is even more worried about the price of the tiny medicine to help her. Am I evil for think that blogosphere?

MIND F*CK OF THE DAY

If you were invited to a party at God’s house what would you bring as a gift?

YES, PLANET EARTH IS HOME TO A HELLO KITTY VIBRATOR

Yep, and this Japanese import will only cost you $13.28. It’s available at Amazon.com. Purrrrr!! 

FREAK SURGERY OF THE DAY

FACIAL TOUNGUE SPLITTING: Patient’s tongue is divided 3cm to 5 cm to give a more snake-like appearance. Average cost $2K.

BITCHIN' CHOKING POSTER OF THE DAY

4 LAME WAYS TO BURN 3.8 CALORIES

Wearing pajamas: Shedding your work clothes and slapping on those PJs definitely takes some sort of “calorie burning” effort.

Drinking 2 glasses of cold water: Apparently you can burn 100 calories this way. Your body likes to expend energy warming up all the stuff you digest (not unlike my Aunt Gert).

Spin around in the office chair 50 plus times: No further explanation needed.

Attaching a child seat to your car: Didn’t realize those things weigh up to 40 lbs.

BEST ANGRY BIRD TO BRING TO A BAR FIGHT

#1: YELLOW BIRD

Don’t let the name fool you. He’s the best one of the bunch and packs quite a punch. If you got a big bouncer coming at you with a chair simply aim the little fella. Shoot him. Then tap him again to activate his missile-like speed. The bouncer and chair will be toast.

BEST DAMN GRILLED CHEESE WITH A SIDE OF NECROPHILIA

Craving some mouthwatering, melty goodness? Head on over to Sioux Falls, South Dakota for a CHEDD’s gourmet grilled cheese. They’ve got over 30 cheesy sandwiches to choose from like the...

HEARTBURN: made with hot horseradish cheddar, onion, sauerkraut,spicy mustard – all on toasted pumpernickel.

OR the

BUFF HAMSTER: loaded with melted muenster, Buffalo Blue Jack, and ham – pressed between toasted wheat.

Two great sandwiches to enjoy while making sweet love to your very own 6 foot Fake Dead Corpse Body Prop. Made of soft latex. Only$479.99 @ brandsonsale.com.

YES, FABIO AND PATRICK EWING HAVE SHARED SCREEN TIME

Both had cameo roles in the Exorcist III (1990). The 3^rd installment of the series that originally centered around a possessed, vomiting, head-spinning little girl (Linda Blair). In part 3, George C. Scott takes over the role of Lt. Kinderman (originally played by the late great Lee J. Cobb). He heads up an investigation that takes him to Georgetown U. Since most of the filming took place at the college, producer Carter DeHaven called on famous alumni, Patrick Ewing for a cameo. Carter then casted Fabio as Patrick’s co-star for the scene. The two played archangels in a dream sequence.

OH YEAH, THERE’S ONE MORE THING YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE PINK POWER RANGER

Amy Jo Johnson has worked for the International Rescue Committee as a tutor for refugee children. 

YES, THERE’S A PHRASE FOR THAT

Phrase:

Sticky Banana Nut Bun

Definition:

When your testicle sticks to your thigh due to perspiration.

WHAT THE DUCK? THE FILM IS 26 YRS YOUNG?

HOWARD THE DUCK (1986): Before the mega-hit Spider, Avengers & Iron-Mans of today, Marvel entertainment truly laid an egg at the box office with Howard The Duck. The feature was based on Marvel’s 70s comic book by Steve Gerber. And believe it or not this was a Lucasfilm production. Yes, I’ll freely admit I sat through the whole thing in the movie theater. Didn’t even sneak out with my friends across the hall to see One Crazy Summer. Honestly, if you get past the redonkulous-ness and take the film for what it is, you’ll definitely get a lot more out of it. Especially when being treated to a young, goofy Tim Robbins and sexy, vivacious Leah Thompson. For the 80s the special effects are decent. The standout visual scenes hands down are in Duckworld and the showdown with the big, mutated baddie in the end. Overall you won’t be disappointed if you prepare for disappointment – if that makes sense. The Howard The Duck special edition DVD is available on Amazon.

Q: WHY COULDN’T THE JEWISH GUY GET HIM SOME BIG GAY ICE CREAM?

A: THE LINE WAS TOO BIG.

Nope. No joke. The Big Gay Ice Cream truck that has made its way around the aisle of Manhattan is now nesting on 1st and 7th St. The wife and I tried to partake in the creamy goodness this weekend, but sadly the line was way too long – day and night. 

Rest assured once I finally get my lips around their treats I’ll offer up a review. 

TIDDLY WINK TERMS

Bomb: To launch a wink into a pile to disturb it.

Crud: A shot made with force to destroy a pile completely.
Gromp: Trying to jump a pile onto another wink.
Squop: To play a wink on top of another wink.

BITCH PLEASE

 Dorali Dog Wear. Maker of quality pet panties that are…

• From Canada.
• Tripled stitched for durability.
• Made with an elastic waistband.
• Able to accommodate mini pads or panty liners.
• Available in small, medium or large sizes.
• Around $12

ONE MOVIE YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE SO I MIGHT AS WELL RUIN THE ENDING FOR YOU

Tom's father was going to murder Jimmy. He shoots, but Jimmy is wearing a vest. Jimmy then kills his father and runs away. Tom catches up and they start to fight. Just when you think Tom has the upper hand – Jimmy kills him with a taser.

OH CRAP!

JOHN TESH FACT OF THE DAY

Tesh came up with the legendary NBA on NBC theme song (Roundball Rock) while on vacation. He hummed the melody into his answering machine so he wouldn’t forget it. The song served as the opening theme for NBC’s entire run with the NBA – 1990 to 2002 (played a total of 12,000 times.)

BOOZE WITH BITE

For 16 bucks (plus shipping) you can own a 4 pack of Tru Blood, the drink. The controversial recipe is varied a bit (they use blood orange), but the packaging and liquid color are pretty much the same. The taste of Tru Bood is being billed as a slightly tart and sweet carbonated drink. Unfortunately, it’s only available online, but I’m sure it won't be long ‘til you'll be able to scare one up at your neighborhood watering hole – on the rocks or warmed.

JOB SHMOB. GO FIND BURIED TREASURE IN YOUR GRANDPARENT'S BASEMENT.

HOW’S THAT 24/7 WEBCAM EXPERIMENT WORKING OUT FOR YOU?

ETARD: 24 hours of a 30something guy doing stuff in a room. Not sure if his parents own said room or not. Free to join and chat with him….as long as you follow his RULES!!!!

MEH FACT OF THE DAY

MEMORABLE PIECES OF ART MADE FROM PIECES OF SH*T AND LOTS OF PISS

Artist: CHRIS OFILI
Title of Work: Holy Virgin Mary
Year: 1996
Materials: Elephant dung
Public Reaction: Then (NYC) Mayor Rudy Giuliani issued a lawsuit for exhibiting Mr. Ofili's work in the Brooklyn Museum of Art.