YES, I HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY AROUSED BY BETTY WHITE’S BREASTS TWICE IN MY LIFE.

I’m 39 years of age. So it is safe to say the more senior Betty White really did something to my loins (crotch)…on two separate occasions. If you haven’t thrown up in your mouth yet, please, join me on this wondrous journey down mammary lane.

 Occasion #1: CAROL BURNETT SHOW – Mama’s Birthday (1978)

I think when this episode aired I was 7.5 years old. So I really hadn’t gotten a grip on my manly urges yet. All I knew is I liked Betty White in her tight, mint green turtleneck. Especially when she seemed a bit winded (after arguing with Carol Burnett) and had to take a deep breath. Pure heaven for my groin.

Occasion #2: GOLDEN GIRLS – The Competition (1985)

At this point I am now 14 going on 15. Well into my early masturbating years. No internet at this time so I had to resort to my imagination, Sears catalogs, and yes, TV. NO, Golden Girls wasn’t my usual source for spank material. I was always partial to T.J. Hooker (with Heather Locklear) and Greatest American Hero (with Connie Sellecca). Of course that was until I gazed upon Betty White in this GG bowling episode. Again she had me the moment she took a deep breath in that satin, pink bowling shirt. Spectacular.

CHEST HAIR EXPOSURE ETIQUETTE

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

Recently I went on bad date number 34. This one was actually a fix up, not Match. My coworker swore up and down that this guy and me were like star-crossed lovers. Soulmates. I hadn’t TIVOd anything of importance so I thought, "what the hell." We met at a restaurant somewhere in the middle (rhymes with Smapplebees). I got there late, and he was already at the bar enjoying some micro-fall-brew on tap. He turned all the way around to greet me and WHOA, the man looked like he was hiding an Ewok in his shirt. He had 3 buttons undone! THREE! And right on his thick nest of chest hair sat a gold chain. Really? Committed to the chain are we? Look, when it comes to looks, I am totally NOT the shallow type. As long as the guy is funny and sweet-ish, I can overlook some of his more quirky features. I even understand the abnormal hair growth. My Russian ancestors blessed me with hairy arms. I feel his pain. I just don’t understand why he’d want to call attention to it. Maybe if it was ‘72, and we were in the porn industry it’d be different. My personal preference for chest hair is similar to how I feel women should properly display cleavage. Give a little peek – a hint of mystery if you will. Don’t go for broke, especially on the first date. Overexposure sends the wrong message. Period. As far as the unbuttoned look goes, he’d be totally fine if he added an undershirt – Not see through!

As to how the date went – my Sizzling Orange Chicken Bowl was cold, he droned on about his investment job, I lost a contact, and he asked if we could go Dutch. It’s safe to say I won’t see him on date 35. I also disowned my friend.

WARNING: Extremely painful to watch.