A DOUCHEY DID YOU KNOW: SPECIAL REPORT

For work we had to go in costume or we’d be fired…maybe. Didn’t want to take a chance so I went as an angry pig. Yes, compared to my younger advertising co-horts I did the minimal. Do you agree or don't really care? If it's the latter I won't be hurt.

3 ANGRY BIRDS YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BRING TO A BAR FIGHT

By now, you’ve seen these little guys featured on the world wide web, TV, magazines, and of course a crapload of smart phones. If for some reason this craze has escaped you allow me to shed some light on it. The game is called ANGRY BIRDS, created just over a year ago by ROVIO MOBILE. The premise is easy: use each bird (and their powers) to destroy all the evil piggies. Since the birds wield all the strength, in each level the piggies are hidden within constructions of metal, wood, snow, and glass. 

SO WHICH BAR ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

Let’s say the nasty one from the best bar fighting movie (ROAD HOUSE) existed – THE DOUBLE DEUCE. 

Before you walk into that tall drink of trouble here are the 3 ANGRY BIRDS YOU NEED TO KICK SOME RIGHTEOUS ASS:

#1: YELLOW BIRD

Don’t let the name fool you. He’s the best one of the bunch and packs quite a punch. If you got a big bouncer coming at you with a chair simply aim the little fella. Shoot him. Then tap him again to activate his missile-like speed. The bouncer and chair will be toast.

#2: WHITE (EGG) BIRD

Most Angry Bird experts would advise against this one. They’d say he’s hard to control. I beg to differ. Just fling this guy over an angry mob by the bathroom and tap him. Not only will White Bird drop an egg and destroy the crowd, but he’ll also shoot into the bathroom and stop any crazy-dude waiting to jump you.

#3: BLACK (BOMB) BIRD

Easy choice. However, I wouldn’t even use BBB. When I’d finally be ready to escape the bar I’d simply display BOMB BIRD. The rest of the thugs would realize I’m not playing around and back away. Then I’d simply walk out the door. Get in my monster truck and drive off safely into the sunset.