I’M NOT A HOMOSEXUAL OR SPANISH, BUT IF I WAS I’D TRY THIS GAME

Don’t really speak much Spanish, but from what I can tell there are 100,000 possible homo-erotic fantasies that can be acted out. Plus, it’s only $3.91 at Amazon. Hard to pass that up…No pun intended.

6 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT SHOVING GERBILS UP YOUR ASS

#1: The act of inserting this wee creature into your rectum (for pleasure) is known as Gerblling or Gerbil-stuffing.

#2: Supposedly the first case of Gerblling occurred in 1984 – only it was with a mouse, not a gerbil. 

#3: In the early 1990s Richard Gere was rumored to have paid a visit to the emergency room for the exact same practice. 

#4: A GERE-BIL joke was made in the 1996 smash, horror hit SCREAM.

#5: As the Gerbil is suffocating it scratches and claws the rectum lining which causes a pleasurable sensation.

#6: Because of their somewhat flexible nature, cardboard tubes are the preferred equipment for Gerbilling.

BONUS:

Gerbiling attracts homosexuals as well as heterosexuals.

GAY EMPIRE STRIKES BACK SOMETHING FIERCE

Not sure why it took so long (for our seemingly progressive society) to come up with openly GAY STAR WARS toys. But hey, better late than never. These fierce figures are the brain children of the underground art group Suckadelic. Apparently they did produce playthings as well as club remixes. I say "did" ‘cause the group ended its run last year.

Thankfully the GAY toys still live on, especially their #1 selling figure the Homotrooper. You can grab this collector’s piece of plastic ass on ebay for a staggering $145. Not sure where you can find the other classics (pictured below), but I’m sure they're out there in a galaxy far, far away...A block past Christopher St. Hollah!

I’M NOT A HOMOSEXUAL, BUT I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY A CERTAIN CBS TV POSTER.

Just thought I should share what’s been creepin’ and crawlin’ around in my head for the last couple of weeks. So every now and then I take the NYC subway [the 1 and L train for those keepin’ score at home.] Anyhow, I have to walk through this long stone cave-like path to connect to the other train. Along my journey I usually find myself staring at the white washed walls littered with posters of new movies, PSA messages about venereal diseases, and teasers for upcoming shows. 

One of which is the remake of Hawaii Five-O. It stars Scott Caan (son of James), Daniel Dae Kim (Lost fame), Alex O’Loughlin (of a previous failed CBS medical drama), and the cylon chick from Battlestar –Grace Park. The series will air Monday nights on CBS at 10pm.

So back to the homo-erotica part. Actually, to make a longish post shorter, here’s my mental journal of when the arousal might’ve occurred. 

DAY #1:

Must’ve been 3 weeks ago I saw it. It looked just like the photo pictured above, only this one featured just a soaking wet Daniel and Alex. I felt nothing towards the poster at this point.

DAY#2:

Still felt nothing, but admired the wave effect.

DAY #3:

Noticed that both actors are wet, but still felt nothing.

DAY #4:

Noticed shirts are fitted and also soaked. Valued the stylistic approach. Again, I still felt nothing.

DAY #5:

I had one butterfly in the stomach when walking by (I’m 68% sure it was ‘cause of the Thai food I ate for lunch).

DAY #6:

Had a couple of more butterflies, but the feelings NEVER spread to my loins.

DAY #7 to NOW:

Consistent butterflies. None ever flutters to the groin.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

I’m thinking it's 'cause of these 5 reasons:

• Water is known to be sensual.
• The poster evokes this forbidden allure of the far east (or west).
• Tight, wet clothes.
• I have a thing for the cylon-chick and I know she’s gotta also be in a version of the poster.
• I was a fan of Lost.

So that’s it. To date I’ve tried to avoid the poster. Though it always seems to find me. Either by way of a bus, a phone booth (yes, we have those in NYC), and billboards. Again, I do like women (a lot!), I’m just wondering why this poster does what it does to me. Questions? Answers? Complaints?

SLIM PICKINGS FOR “PRAY THE GAY AWAY” PROGRAMS IN 2010.

The landscape doesn’t look good for small-minded, intolerant folks. I mean with gay marriage becoming a reality, plus increased support for the homosexual community, “pray the gay away” programs are dwindling. So much so, I’m quite sure that just having a gay son or daughter ain’t gonna cut it. He or she would also need kick-ass grades and/or high SAT scores to make these programs. As far as I can tell, the lead horse is still Exodus International. 

They bill themselves as the largest information and referral ministry in the world that addresses homosexual issues. Exodus International also...

• Employs real, former gay people.
• Designed a professional looking website with pictures of happy people.
• Uses a 1800 number.
• Has a biblical-sounding name.

How can you argue those creds?