MERRY F---ING XMAS! I HAVE A RAGING HANGOVER FROM PLAYING POKER WITH MY JEWISH FRIENDS LAST NIGHT

I know. I know. You think we Jews are all about Chinese food and Blockbuster on the holiest of holy days. Well some of us are. I happen to fall into the camp that has an ongoing poker game with his friends since 1985. Too %$#^%  early to do math. 

As you can guess there is (was) alcohol involved – lots of it. And with that comes crazy talk. Last night was no different. Snippets of conversation starters included:

How do you initiate the sexual encounter in a rest stop?

Is it possible to get crabs at a gym? Twice?

Best time to refinance a house (earlier in the night)

Is it ok to masturbate on the host’s couch after everyone else passes out?

FYI…I won 30 bucks. I usually lose.

SEXIEST PROFESSIONAL POKER PLAYERS.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

Beauties that know no limits and can bluff with the best of ‘em. Here are my 4 queens.

JENNIFER TILLY: Actress known for her comedic, yet sexually charged roles (Bound, Let it Ride). In 2005 she took home a bracelet in the 2005 World Series of Poker, plus $158,625.

EVELYN NG: Sports the well deserved nickname Eveybaby. She manage to finish 22nd place in the 2005 World Poker Tour main event, and took home 29th place honors at the Bellagio Five Diamond Poker Classic in 2004.

CLONIE GOWEN: She’s made over $250K in winnings and is a member of the Full Tilt Poker team. Clonie is also is a writer for Bluff magazine.

MING NA: Another actress that has joined this growing poker table of ladies. She’s probably most recognized for her role in ER and Joy Luck Club. Ming made a big name for herself on the celeb poker scene by winning the 2004 Hollywood Home Game on the WTP.

EVER WONDER WHAT JEWS DO ON CHRISTMAS, BUT ARE AFRAID TO ASK?

by One Hungry Jew (NWM Staff Writer)

Actually, I’ll rewind it a bit to include X-mas Eve in the mix as well. Believe it or not there are traditional things we do. Not in the sense of Midnight Mass, tinseling up the tree, leaving cookies for ol’ Saint Nick and gift giving. Ours are based more on practicalities, but still traditions just the same.

CHRISTMAS EVE

85% of Jews Do: STOCK-UP

This is probably one of the more popular pastimes. Stocking up for the big holiday shutdown the next day. For us, it’s not last second gifts or a Christmas goose it’s more of the necessities. We’re talking microwave popcorn, candy (of the chocolate nature) and a generous supply of rented movies. Though this traditional activity can greatly depend on the weather (which I’ll cover off in the Christmas day section).

15% of Jews do: POKER

I’ve actually been involved in this yearly tradition for 25 years. 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, 8 Jews were eating junk food, playing cards and totally getting soused. Doesn’t quite rhyme, but you get the picture. FYI…we usually have the stereo blasting and the TBS A Christmas Story marathon on mute while playing.

CHRISTMAS DAY

We start the day, just like the other 364 (except Yom Kippur) – have breakfast. No tree, no scrambling to get ready for guests. Then regardless of what it’s like outside we venture into town and experience DAY OF THE LIVING JEW. Everything is closed except for 2 places. Which both happen to be very much a part of a Jewish Christmas tradition – movie theaters and Chinese food places.

If the weather outside is NOT so frightful it’s a double header at the movies, followed up by a massive Chinese dinner.

If it is a white Christmas, then we partake in the rented movies 'n' snacks (as mentioned above) or catch up on TIVO’d stuff (still with snacks). Then it’s Chinese takeout for all, and to all a good night.

Merry "Jewish" Christmas

TOP 5 POKER TELLS.

Wikipedia defines a poker tell as a subtle but detectable change in a player's behavior or demeanor that gives clues to that player's assessment of his hand. My tell usually involves a giant smile that overtakes my face. Followed by an uncontrollable giggle or two. Which is probably the reason I get cleaned out like clockwork at my yearly poker game with my buddies. Here are 5 more not-so-obvious tells the pros at Titan Poker Bonus usually spot.

Talking: If a player has a choppy conversation it means that most like he or she has a sucky hand that’s consuming their thoughts. Smooth talkers are usually holding something decent.

Eyes: Kind of a toss up in the good hand / bad hand area. Either way the eyes usually start to do different things once the hand is dealt. It’s your job to find the patterns.

Facial Expressions: Similar to the eye thing. Again, watch the cards then the face and try to connect the two.

Strong Weak Reverse: Card newbies usually try this reverse psych-out trick.

• “Oh, my hand sucks!” [translation – they’ve got a boat or higher]
• “I’m feeling lucky tonight!” [translation – they got zip, high card is probably a six.]

Hands: This is a good one and pretty simple to spot.

• Hands shaking: something good.
• Hands still: something not good.
• Hands pounding: self-explanatory.