BIZARRO RACISTS GO GAGA FOR LATEST ARCHIE.

First it was the Archie “wedding what if” to Betty or Veronica that got people talking. Now it’s an interracial romance brewing between Riverdale’s favorite super, super senior and Val (from Josie and the Pussycats) that’s stirring up controversy. This new, steamy story arc starts with Archie issue #608.

Scoured the net for any overt nerd bigotry and found nothing. HOWEVER, I did find plenty of posts that are prime examples of what I like to call – Bizarro Racism. The term is based on Bizarro Superman – A semi-evil super-freak that comes from Bizarro world. That’s the place where everything is mirror opposite of our earth. Bad is good, chocolate is vanilla…and you get the picture. If not, Seinfeld episode 137 sums it up way better.

Now here is my sample of a Bizarro Racist statement …

We’ve elected an African American president, and yet people are still shocked when they see an interracial kiss on a comic book cover. It’s just sad to think the good people at Archie comics will have to endure any bigot hate mail because of this. I applaud them for having the courage of their convictions.

Ugh! Makes me sick to my stomach just reading it. Essentially it’s taking a stand on something that shouldn’t need defending. Not in this day and age. It should simply be treated as just another cover. No soapbox needed. And that my friends is Bizarro Racism. Oh and besides, everyone knows Klan Grand Wizards don’t even read Archie. They love Marmaduke, Apartment 3G and Ninja Turtles.

FYI…right now Archie issue #608 is selling on ebay for 10 bucks. Better snag your copy now before all the Bizarro racists do.

You can cut the sexual tension with a knife in these panels.

CORRECT CUDDLING METHODS.

V-Day will be here soon enough. If you are in a long-standing relationship it probably means you’ll be having “the sex” this weekend. Unfortunately, I feel like ladies aren’t just going to be satisfied with the 10 seconds of ecstasy (totally not me). I’m thinking us guys are going to have to put in at least 15 minutes of pure, unadulterated cuddling after the act. You might even have to throw in some “feelings” talk as well.

“SHUT UP AND CUDDLE ME!!”

As far as I’m concerned there are 3 major types of cuddling a couple can engage in. All 3 have their ergonomic advantages and disadvantages. Here’s the romantic rundown of each technique.

CHIN ON CHEST: I’d say this is a more popular move for old people. The main reason is it requires the least twisting and contorting. The classic position is the woman to place her head (chin) on the man’s (exposed or covered) chest. PLEASE NOTE: This position will definitely be a catalyst for deep discussions. Be prepared for lots of raw emotions and reflecting to come out. On the plus side, you really can’t sleep this way. So once 15 minutes are up you can head back to your side of the bed.

BELLY TO BUTT (aka Spooning): Two bodies are joined together like spoons (hence the name). As far as the lead position goes it’s basically unisex. Though I feel like the guy is usually spoon #1. WARNING: While spooning doesn’t promote deep conversation, it will trap you into sleeping in this position the entire night. BIG PLUS: This technique can also be used as a way to initiate “the sex” to a sleeping partner.

THE SUPERMAN 1: Anyone who says this doesn’t count is a %$#^^ liar!!! If you’ve ever seen Superman (the Richard Donner version), you probably remember the romantic flying scene. They play the drippy, sappy tune “Can You Read My Mind” complete with a haunting Margot Kidder monologue. Anyhow, the part of the scene I’m referring to is when Superman and Lois are barely hanging on to each other – just by the tips of the fingers. Well if you flipped S&L over at that exact moment, and stuck 'em in a SLEEPY’S mattress you’d have the position the wife and I use. It counts as cuddling ‘cause you're touching. The big plus here is you’re not intertwined so you can have a good nights rest. Plus, after 20 minutes she should be out like a light so you can reclaim your hand. Win. Win.