TO ALL THE LADY BLOGGERS IN MY LIFE …

You know who you are. And in honor of V-day I wanted to present you with this “I heart my lady bloggers” award. Why did I choose to draw a creepy old guy? He is pretty much a symbolic representative of all the creepy, awkward comments I’ve left on your blogs over the past year. This is my special way of paying tribute apologizingto all of you at once. You are very talented, beautiful bloggers that make me laugh, cry, and hate being a jerky male.

Happy V-day!

Thanks for being in my life,

Jesse “Copyboy” Cohen

TO ALL THE LADY BLOGGERS IN MY LIFE …

You know who you are. And in honor of V-day I wanted to present you with this “I heart my lady bloggers” award. Why did I choose to draw a creepy old guy? He is pretty much a symbolic representative of all the creepy, awkward comments I’ve left on your blogs over the past year. This is my special way of paying tribute apologizing to all of you at once. You are very talented, beautiful bloggers that make me laugh, cry, and hate being a jerky male.

Happy V-day!

Thanks for being in my life,

Jesse “Copyboy” Cohen

KLINGON WORD OF THE DAY: par’Mach

par’Mach

Definition:
(n) A feeling humans commonly refer to as love. However the Klingon version is a bit more aggressive and at times, violent. Severe bruising and bloodshed are some of the more common results of expressing “par’Mach” to a perspective mate – especially when the female is menstruating.

5 ROMANTIC MOVIES THAT WON’T MAKE A GUY VOMIT.

So this is it, Valentine's Day. If you’re anything like the wife and I, you’ll probably shun the restaurants tonight (because of the rip-off specials). C’mon! Eateries can charge 70 bucks per person just ‘cause they slap the word “Lovers” on a Prix Fixe dinner menu? What we usually do is wind up making dinner together. And of course I do the dishes. Which is saying a lot since we live in a NY apartment that doesn’t allow a dishwasher.

After, we do the romantic movie thing. Not a big fan of that genre at all – especially the hardcore films. You know the ones: boy meets girl, boy dates girl, boy kisses girl in the pouring rain, girl goes back to ex-lover, boy uses boombox to serenade girl, girl’s father moves her away, girl and boy are trapped on a sinking boat – blah, blah, blah.

THE ABSOLUTE ONLY WAY I CAN DEAL WITH A ROMANTIC FILM is if it’s some sort of hybrid. Meaning, the film still has that sappy, drippy-ness to it, but has other anti-romantic stuff to keep me watching. Here are my top 5 picks that are guaranteed to make the woman happy and will NOT induce male vomiting.

CHASING AMY (1997): Quirky, good Kevin Smith comedy with a standout performance by Jason Lee. Opening features lots of gratuitous comic book porn. Nerd paradise.

AMERICAN PRESIDENT (1995): Solid Aaron Sorkin/Rob Reiner film that’s sort of like a precursor to the West Wing. Chock full of Sorkin witty dialogue.

ROMANCING THE STONE (1984): Fast-paced 80s action with Danny Devito along for the ride. Also features a hot Kathleen Turner in mud.

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (1989): Required viewing for all New York Jews. Hands down one of my all time favorite comedies. Classic Meg Ryan orgasmic deli scene complete with Rob Reiner’s mom.

PRINCESS BRIDE (1987): Andre the Giant does comedy…well. Top that.

NAUGHTY ROLE-PLAYING ON A BUDGET.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

Times are tight. No getting around it. In my household, we are always looking to save where we can like on food, household supplies, and of course sexual role-playing. I know some couples can get by with a few index cards of key dialogue and a pair of thong underwear (for both parties). Me, I’m a visual guy. If we’re about to go for a role-playing romp, me and the mrs. need to dress the parts. Unfortunately these carnal costumes usually go for a pretty penny in the stores. Plus, I’m not brave enough to venture up to the register with two dirty cop outfits in hand. Thankfully there’s the world-wide-web. Here are just some of the lady outfits I found at DISCREETNOVELTY.COM FOR UNDER $50.

TEACHER'S PET ($44.31)
4 Pc includes dress with side and front lacing, ruffle-back panty, necktie, and knee highs.

LOLLA THE LAWYER ($24.51)
4 Pc includes zipper-front dress with cutaway front, belt, necktie with name tag, and boyshort.

PIRATE WENCH ($49.26)
3 Pc includes zipper-back sleeveless dress, velvet bolero with skull appliqu, and eye patch.

ROWDY REF ($24.20)
Rowdy Ref Outfit has Striped Knit Dress with Adjustable Lace-up Sides and Matching Thong. Includes Baseball Cap and Whistle.

QUICK COURSE IN ROLE-PLAYING.

Silk Velour Ep. 10: Role Playing @ Yahoo! Video

TRAP YOUR OWN VALENTINE WITH 4 LOVE POTION RECIPES.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

Less than 24 hrs. to V-day. Couples are free to do what they want tomorrow. Unfortunately, single or newly dating guys do have some unwritten ruless they need to abide by. Code states you're NOT allowed to ask the girl out tomorrow (it will deem you psychotic). Same thing goes for those dudes 2 dates in to a NEW relationship. So sorry to say ladies, if you are in any of those situations you should probably hit blockbuster and Ben & Jerry’s now.

I say “probably” 'cause there is always the Wicca way out. Create your very own LOVE POTION, and hex that manly code right out the guy. Oh and bonus if you’re on a budget, each of these spells can be created for under 35 bucks.

LOVE POTION #1 (Courtesy of Khakani.com)

Ingredients:

• Cinnamon
• Yarrow (herb)
• Spring Water (1 bottle)
• 2 – 3 large apples
• Cast-iron saucepan

Directions:

Add all the ingredients to saucepan. Pour in enough water to fully submerge spell items. Stir clockwise on low heat. After 90 minutes strain, and place contents in dark jar. Put a few drops in your perfume and you’re good to go.

LOVE POTION #2 (Courtesy Magic-spells-and-potions.com)

Ingredients:

• Honey (3 spoons)
• Brandy wine (3 spoons)
• Pink Rose
• Silver Spoon

Directions:

Add all the ingredients to a pot. Stir once you recite the last 3 lines of the following spell:

Three hearts of precious wild pink rose

that under sun and starlight grows;

Three silver spoons of honey gold

awakens powers of the old;

Three silver spoons of brandy wine

you shall be mine, you shall be mine.

You shall be mine till I you free

This is my will, so shall it be.

LOVE POTION #3 (Courtesy of romantic-lyrics.com)

Ingredients (all essential oils):

• jojoba oil (1/2 cup)

Add 9 drops of each of the following:

• ambergris
• cinnamon
• frankincense
• jasmine
• lavender
• musk
• orange blossom
• rose
• violet
• ylang ylang

Directions:

Add all ingredients to pot and stir clockwise. Cool in a dark glass container. Dab on a few drops right before you meet up with your love-target.

HEMP-TASTIC VALENTINE’S DAY COOKIES

The perfect sweet treat for anyone high on love and the other stuff.

Ingredients:

• Hemp flour (6 cups)
• Baking powder (3 tsp)
• Butter (2 cups)
• Living Harvest Hempmilk Tempt (2 tsp)
• Sugar (2 cups)
• Eggs (2)
• Vanilla extract or desired flavoring (2 tsp)
• Salt 1 tsp)
• White frosting
• Red sprinkles

Directions:

Blend butter, Living Harvest Hempmilk and sugar 'til it turns light and fluffy. Add in eggs, vanilla extract, baking powder, Hemp flour and salt. Stop blending once all ingredients are fully mixed. Chill for 1 to 2 hours. Roll out dough ‘til flat. Cut out heart shapes. Bake on ungreased baking sheet at 350 degrees for about 8 to 10 minutes (edges should be browned). Add frosting and sprinkles to finished cookies.

CORRECT CUDDLING METHODS.

V-Day will be here soon enough. If you are in a long-standing relationship it probably means you’ll be having “the sex” this weekend. Unfortunately, I feel like ladies aren’t just going to be satisfied with the 10 seconds of ecstasy (totally not me). I’m thinking us guys are going to have to put in at least 15 minutes of pure, unadulterated cuddling after the act. You might even have to throw in some “feelings” talk as well.

“SHUT UP AND CUDDLE ME!!”

As far as I’m concerned there are 3 major types of cuddling a couple can engage in. All 3 have their ergonomic advantages and disadvantages. Here’s the romantic rundown of each technique.

CHIN ON CHEST: I’d say this is a more popular move for old people. The main reason is it requires the least twisting and contorting. The classic position is the woman to place her head (chin) on the man’s (exposed or covered) chest. PLEASE NOTE: This position will definitely be a catalyst for deep discussions. Be prepared for lots of raw emotions and reflecting to come out. On the plus side, you really can’t sleep this way. So once 15 minutes are up you can head back to your side of the bed.

BELLY TO BUTT (aka Spooning): Two bodies are joined together like spoons (hence the name). As far as the lead position goes it’s basically unisex. Though I feel like the guy is usually spoon #1. WARNING: While spooning doesn’t promote deep conversation, it will trap you into sleeping in this position the entire night. BIG PLUS: This technique can also be used as a way to initiate “the sex” to a sleeping partner.

THE SUPERMAN 1: Anyone who says this doesn’t count is a %$#^^ liar!!! If you’ve ever seen Superman (the Richard Donner version), you probably remember the romantic flying scene. They play the drippy, sappy tune “Can You Read My Mind” complete with a haunting Margot Kidder monologue. Anyhow, the part of the scene I’m referring to is when Superman and Lois are barely hanging on to each other – just by the tips of the fingers. Well if you flipped S&L over at that exact moment, and stuck 'em in a SLEEPY’S mattress you’d have the position the wife and I use. It counts as cuddling ‘cause you're touching. The big plus here is you’re not intertwined so you can have a good nights rest. Plus, after 20 minutes she should be out like a light so you can reclaim your hand. Win. Win.

THIS V-DAY CURL UP WITH A STEAMY NASCAR-THEMED ROMANCE NOVEL.

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

For those of you who are spending the pseudo-holiday with a significant someone, good for you (line should be read sarcastically). For those of you who aren’t, might I suggest a bath, with a tall glass of anything and a hot NASCAR/Harlequin romance novel. OR you could F-that too and just buy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and veg out to a DVR’d Lifetime movie. If you’re going for door #1 here are my 3 racy reccos…

HITTING THE BRAKES (by Ken Casper)
Since taking over PDQ Racing, widowed businessman and single dad Jim Latimer is out of his element. Truth is, Jim knows next to nothing about stock car racing. On the positive side, however, the new position means a lot more time with PDQ publicity rep Anita Wolcott.

TAILSPIN (by Michele Dunaway)
Personal trainer Terri Whalen breathes car exhaust fumes the way other people breathe air. Born and bred into a NASCAR family, Terri travels the race circuit and ensures the drivers are in great shape. Her rule: job first. Men always seem to want more than Terri can give…until she meets Max Harper.

SPEED BUMPS (Ken Casper)
Star NASCAR driver Gabby O'Farrell can't believe her mother is harping at her again. How many times does she have to say it? She's not going to help run the family's corporation. She's not shopping for a husband of the right pedigree. And there's no way she's ever going to give up racing!