I’VE MONKEY-TAILED MANY, MANY WOMEN – PLEASE FORGIVE ME JESUS.

I guess you can consider this my open letter apology to all my victims.

I was really young (must’ve been like 10) the first time it happened. I was at sleepaway camp. The girl (victim #1) was Gabby Fesner. She was beautiful. Long flowing brown hair. Piercing blue eyes. The whole nine yards. We had been dating for about 3 days (5 years in adult terms). At the time it felt so right, so natural to do what I did. I monkey-tailed her while we were walking to some musical pizza social. I remember her having an odd, confused look when I did it. She was worried her bunkmates would find out. P.S. we broke up the next day after ceramics.

Flash forward 6 years later to high school. My victim #8 was Roberta Cornelius. The MT occurred right after our 2month anniversary. We were on our way to math class. I remember asking God for strength. But of course after gazing into her eyes and sniffing her scent I succumbed to my dirty urges. I monkey-tailed her right then and there (near the freshman lockers). Her BFF (Michelle) saw us. She had this look of horror and grabbed my Roberta from me. Michelle made some crappy excuse like she hadn’t seen Roberta since gym class, but I knew the truth. Michelle was ashamed for her friend. Roberta and I broke up a week later. I’d love to blame Michelle, but I’d only be kidding myself. It was the monkey-tail.

SO WHAT IS MONKEY-TAILING YOU RAVING PSYCHO?

I hate to use this word (since there are negative connotations attached to it), but I can’t think of a more appropriate one. Monkey-tailing is probably the gayest form of PDA (public display of affection). It’s soooo gay that it should only be attempted by two people that are either …

a vomity cheesy couple

OR

high as kites

C’MON ALREADY, I HAVE OTHER BLOGS TO READ, WHAT THE %$%# IS MONKEY-TAILING?

Fine. I'll tell you. Monkey-tails is my playful term for interlocking pinkies. That’s right, yours truly has done the pinky thing unsuccessfully with many women. I think my last victim was on a jdate back in '98. Once I got the "pull away" from Shari Lipschitz I knew I had to change my pathetic ways for good. I've been clean for 10 years today. Praise Jesus.

See the below visual for the truly gayest form of PDA – MONKEY-TAILING.

5 ROMANTIC MOVIES THAT WON’T MAKE A GUY VOMIT.

So this is it, Valentine's Day. If you’re anything like the wife and I, you’ll probably shun the restaurants tonight (because of the rip-off specials). C’mon! Eateries can charge 70 bucks per person just ‘cause they slap the word “Lovers” on a Prix Fixe dinner menu? What we usually do is wind up making dinner together. And of course I do the dishes. Which is saying a lot since we live in a NY apartment that doesn’t allow a dishwasher.

After, we do the romantic movie thing. Not a big fan of that genre at all – especially the hardcore films. You know the ones: boy meets girl, boy dates girl, boy kisses girl in the pouring rain, girl goes back to ex-lover, boy uses boombox to serenade girl, girl’s father moves her away, girl and boy are trapped on a sinking boat – blah, blah, blah.

THE ABSOLUTE ONLY WAY I CAN DEAL WITH A ROMANTIC FILM is if it’s some sort of hybrid. Meaning, the film still has that sappy, drippy-ness to it, but has other anti-romantic stuff to keep me watching. Here are my top 5 picks that are guaranteed to make the woman happy and will NOT induce male vomiting.

CHASING AMY (1997): Quirky, good Kevin Smith comedy with a standout performance by Jason Lee. Opening features lots of gratuitous comic book porn. Nerd paradise.

AMERICAN PRESIDENT (1995): Solid Aaron Sorkin/Rob Reiner film that’s sort of like a precursor to the West Wing. Chock full of Sorkin witty dialogue.

ROMANCING THE STONE (1984): Fast-paced 80s action with Danny Devito along for the ride. Also features a hot Kathleen Turner in mud.

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (1989): Required viewing for all New York Jews. Hands down one of my all time favorite comedies. Classic Meg Ryan orgasmic deli scene complete with Rob Reiner’s mom.

PRINCESS BRIDE (1987): Andre the Giant does comedy…well. Top that.

CORRECT CUDDLING METHODS.

V-Day will be here soon enough. If you are in a long-standing relationship it probably means you’ll be having “the sex” this weekend. Unfortunately, I feel like ladies aren’t just going to be satisfied with the 10 seconds of ecstasy (totally not me). I’m thinking us guys are going to have to put in at least 15 minutes of pure, unadulterated cuddling after the act. You might even have to throw in some “feelings” talk as well.

“SHUT UP AND CUDDLE ME!!”

As far as I’m concerned there are 3 major types of cuddling a couple can engage in. All 3 have their ergonomic advantages and disadvantages. Here’s the romantic rundown of each technique.

CHIN ON CHEST: I’d say this is a more popular move for old people. The main reason is it requires the least twisting and contorting. The classic position is the woman to place her head (chin) on the man’s (exposed or covered) chest. PLEASE NOTE: This position will definitely be a catalyst for deep discussions. Be prepared for lots of raw emotions and reflecting to come out. On the plus side, you really can’t sleep this way. So once 15 minutes are up you can head back to your side of the bed.

BELLY TO BUTT (aka Spooning): Two bodies are joined together like spoons (hence the name). As far as the lead position goes it’s basically unisex. Though I feel like the guy is usually spoon #1. WARNING: While spooning doesn’t promote deep conversation, it will trap you into sleeping in this position the entire night. BIG PLUS: This technique can also be used as a way to initiate “the sex” to a sleeping partner.

THE SUPERMAN 1: Anyone who says this doesn’t count is a %$#^^ liar!!! If you’ve ever seen Superman (the Richard Donner version), you probably remember the romantic flying scene. They play the drippy, sappy tune “Can You Read My Mind” complete with a haunting Margot Kidder monologue. Anyhow, the part of the scene I’m referring to is when Superman and Lois are barely hanging on to each other – just by the tips of the fingers. Well if you flipped S&L over at that exact moment, and stuck 'em in a SLEEPY’S mattress you’d have the position the wife and I use. It counts as cuddling ‘cause you're touching. The big plus here is you’re not intertwined so you can have a good nights rest. Plus, after 20 minutes she should be out like a light so you can reclaim your hand. Win. Win.