PROOF THAT MICHAEL BOLTON IS NOT A NO TALENT ASS CLOWN.

Saw OFFICE SPACE for the umpteenth time on cable the other day. Definitely on my “all time top comedy” list. Out of all the scenes I’d say my fave has to be the Michael Bolton one. I crack up every time David Herman explains why he’s so ticked off for sharing a name with the late 80s early 90s pop star. Dave’s character felt MB was a hack. Very funny, but in actuality that couldn’t be further from the truth.

THE MICHAEL BOLTON BREAKDOWN OF SUCCESS…

8 top 10 albums

2 #1 singles on the Billboard charts

53 million dollars in record sales

Grammy for Best Pop Vocal Performance, Male, "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You" (1990)

Grammy for Best Pop Vocal Performance, Male, "When A Man Loves A Woman" (1992)

Songwriter for Conway Twitty, Barbra Streisand, Kiss, Kenny G, Kenny Rogers, Peabo Bryson and Patti LaBelle

Collaborated with BabyFace, Diane Warren, Shania Twain and Bob Dylan

Accomplished opera singer (performed with Placido Domingo and Luciano Pavarotti)

American Music Award winner (1992, 1993 & 1995)

BOLTON CAN ALSO TAKE A JOKE.

True story: When asked about the scene in Office Space, MB said he never saw the film, but he has gladly autographed many copies of the DVD. That's a humanitarian for you.

HOW CAN YOU NOT SNAP YOUR FINGERS AND STOMP YOUR FEET TO THIS TUNE?

NUTRITIONAL CONTENT OF EDIBLE PANTIES.

Doesn’t matter what flavor you try, most edible panties have basically the same nutrition values (see below). The USDA suggests that with a low caloric diet (high in fiber) and regular exercise you can enjoy one ladies pair per night.

Serving size: 1 pair (female)

Total Fat: 0g

Sodium: 0g

Total Carbohydrates: 25g

Dietary Fiber: 0g

Sugars: 20g

Protein: 0g

HELP AMERICA’S FAVORITE NATURAL BLONDE (WITH A PLASTIC HEAD) FIND A JOB.

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

VOTE FOR BARBIE’S NEXT CAREER. Saw that on the side of a bus while walking my Yorkie. My heart skipped a beat. I finally found something I had in common with the most popular girl on the planet. I too am unhappy with my career of choice and would love a fulfilling change. Of course while I have to suck it up and deal with combing through 100s of job ads on craigslist and Monster, Babs has the whole world looking for her. Though in her defense she’s had over 120 careers. So that probably merits some sort of kudos. Right now the Barbie job paths you can vote for are environmentalist, surgeon, architect, computer engineer and news anchor. But before you make your “best educated” decision it’d probably be a good idea if you took a gander at her resume to date.

BARBIE JOBS

Art teacher (2002)
Spanish language teacher (2001)
Sign language teacher (1999)
Elementary school teacher (1985 – 2006)
Swim teacher (2005 2008)
US army officer (1989 – 1992* Desert Storm)
US air force pilot / Thunderbirds (1990, 1993)
US Marine officer (1991)
US Navy officer (1991)
Paratrooper (2000)
United States President (2000)
Presidential candidate (1992, 2004,2008)
UNICEF Summit diplomat (1990)
Ambassador for world peace (1986)
Firefighter (1995)
Police officer (1993)
Life guard (Baywatch 1994)
Canadian Mountie (2005) (in Canada)
Astronaut (1965, 1985, 25th Apollo 1994)
Flight Attendant (American Airlines 1973-75, Flight Time 1989)
NASCAR driver (1998)
Pilot (1990)
Stewardess ("American Airlines" 1961-64, "Pan Am" 1966)
Babysitter (Barbie Babysits 1963)
Ballerina (1961-present)
Business executive (1984)
Cowgirl (1981)
Chef (1996)
Fashion Model (1959-present)
Paleontologist (1997)
McDonald's cashier (1983)
Starfleet officer (2000)
Soda fountain waitress (Coca Cola Series 1998)
See's Candy cashier (2002)
superheroines
Designer (2008)
Hair Dresser (2008)
Photographer (???)
Artist (???)
Child photographer (???)
Dance teacher (???)
Guest editor of international fashion magazine (???)
Veterinarian (???)

BROOKLYN DIRT IS COOL AND YOU KNOW IT.

At least that’s what I was hoping back in 2006. Unfortunately that would never be the case. My hair-brained schemed all hinged on the images the word BROOKLYN conjured up. A mythical land dripping with machismo and tough guys. Hell, Jay-Z preached about it in half his songs and was making a cool mint. So why couldn’t I cash in on the name too in some way. I bet if I sold something that was straight outta Brookyn it’d be like printing money. Which is how the idea of Brooklyn Dirt Co. was born. I bought 500 jewelry bags and had my wife collect some dirt in front of her parents' apartment (out in Sheepshead Bay). We slapped a label on a prototype. Took a digital pic and immediately posted on ebay. After 2 months of zero hits and bids I officially called it quits. I was so certain this was the one. I just couldn't understand how other B-brands prospered (see blow) while I was stuck holding 500 mini-bags and a clump of NO paydirt.

BROOKLYN BRANDS THAT KICKED MY ASS IN SUCCESS...

BROOKLYN BREWERY: Ranked #20 on the Top 50 Breweries list in 2008. Distributed worldwide.

BROOKLYNYC: Sold in top retail outlets online. A fashion staple of "East Coast" hip-hop artists.

BROOKLYN COLOGNE (BOND NO. 9): Goes for $220 a bottle. A hot seller at high-end boutiques like Saks Fifth Avenue.

HOTTEST SCI-FI TV BABES

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

After clocking in at least 100 parsecs of Nerd-porn, these are my nominations for the sirens of scifi.

ERIN GRAY

Show: Buck Rogers (1979 – 1981)

Character: Col. Wilma Deering

JERI RYAN

Show: Star Trek Voyager (1995 – 2001)

Character: 7 of 9

TRICIA HELFER

Show: Battlestar Galactica (2004 – 2009)

Character: Number 6

MORENA BACCARIN

Show: Firefly (2002 – 2003)

Character: Inara Serra

3 FREE FROZEN TURKEYS FOR YOU.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

82.5% of the country is now experiencing what I like to refer to as the double zero part of the year. Zero time off from work and zero degree cold weather. For the wife and I, takeout and Netflix are a regular part of our Saturday nights – at least until our area thaws out. If you too find yourself looking to fill your N-queue and have seen all the current must-sees, here are some classics of the cheddar-cheesy variety.

TANK (1984 PG): Sergeant Major Zach Carey (James Garner), son (C. Thomas Howell), wife (Shirley Jones) and a vintage Sherman tank move to a small town. After learning the sheriff is up to no good (beating up hookers), Zach tries to put an end to it. Unfortunately, going up against the local law of the land proves to be daunting task. The sheriff gets wind of Zach’s mission and takes revenge on his son Billy (Howell) by tossing him jail. Bring on the TANK!!!!

TOY SOLDIERS (1991 R): The pitch: Die-Hard with kids. A crazy drug czar (with baddies) takes an entire male prep school hostage. Now it’s up to 3 rebellious students (lead by Sean Astin) and the headmaster (Louis Gossett Jr.) to diffuse bombs and takedown evil-doers all before the FBI storms the campus and kills everyone...without Jack Bauer.

THE RUNNING MAN (1987 R): Loosely based on a Stephen King novel (surprisingly on the short-side). Another surprise is it stars not one, but two future governors. The film deals with a futuristic #1 rated reality game show that has prisoners fighting for their lives and freedom. Arnold Schwarzeneggar plays a prisoner contestant that tries to change the rules. Along for the ride are Jesse “the Body” Ventura and twisted, game-host Richard Dawson (Family Feud fame). Arnold gets extra kudos for maintaining his tough guy image while dressed in a yellow spandex jumpsuit.

LOST: THE REAL BEGINNING STARTS NOW

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

Don’t know about you, but from the looks of the LOST promos and teasers it seems like this season is going back to the beginning. The white flash somehow hit the reset button (only once) and rewound the cast to season 1. Though if you're interested in going back a tad further than that, you don’t have to wait for the Feb. 2^nd premiere. Check out LOST: THE AUDITION TAPES below. Probably the freakiest thing right off the bat is watching the actors themselves trying to work out and define the roles for the very first time.

Couple of FYIs. J.J. makes an appearance on Lilly’s tape (go figure). Plus, Matthew, Jorge and Josh are all auditioning for the part of Sawyer.

ASK DR. FIST BUMP.

[originally answered on the now defunct dr.fistbumpbasics.com]

Question:

As a pre-school teacher it’s hard for me to take off for a sick day. Which is why during flu season I’m very cautious around people. So much so that I’ve taken to fist bumping instead of shaking hands (so I don’t catch their germs). Is this considered impolite?

Thanks,

Sheera233

Answer:

Hey Sheera233,

Recently I read that Steve Jobs has joined the ranks of celebs that fist bump fans. In Steve’s case, he’s worried about catching any sort of virus because it might cause complications with his recent liver transplant. I guess what I’m saying is your reasoning is justified. However, since you don’t have the news media explaining every action in your life, it’d be best to give the fist bumpee a heads up first.

Regards,

Dr. FB

If interested, please now send first bump questions to Dr. Fist Bump C/O jcohen7523@gmail.com

THE LAIR OF THE SOUP NAZI, MONK'S AND OTHER SEINFELD SITES.

by One Hungry Jew (NWM Staff Writer)

TRUE STORY. My co-worker got hollered at by the Soup Nazi and lived to tell the tale. It was a chilly winter’s day in 1997. We were craving something to warm us up, so I thought why not go to the SOUP KITCHEN INTERNATIONAL. Home of soup maestro Yeganeh aka THE SOUP NAZI. The place was located on W. 55 and 8^th ave. When we got there (as expected) there was a line out the door. As far as the place goes, it didn’t look like the show’s version at all, but they totally nailed the look of Yeganeh. I felt like was I was literally in the Seinfeld scene. Which unfortunately was the cause of my friend's demise. I remember following all the rules to the T. I quickly made my soup decision and had my money ready. When it was my turn I rattled off my soup order (Crab bisque), made an extreme pivot turn to the left and stepped 5 paces. Because of my short and stocky stature I looked just like George did on Seinfeld (see clip below). This made my friend crack up. The Soup Nazi was so disturbed by this outpouring of emotion he asked my friend (in a loud manner) to be quiet. P.S. He still got his soup with bread, but didn’t get fruit and chocolate like I did. A very surreal experience.

Sad to say, the Soup Nazi turned himself into a supermarket brand and closed down his soup stand in 2006. Though, yada, yada, yada, there are plenty of other Seinfeld sites still open if you’re looking to scratch that itch the next time you’re in NYC.

MONK’S CAFÉ (diner hangout): Real name of the place is Tom’s Diner. Located on 112^th Street in Morningside Heights (NY). Frequented by Colombia students. Sadly no Ruthie Cohen working the register.

MENDY’S (season 6): The place where Bania insists that the soup Jerry bought him does NOT count as a meal. Unlike Monk’s, this is a real chain of eateries in NY – 7 in all. For an authentic Seifeld-ian experience head to the one in Rockefeller Center on West 48^th St.

H&H BAGELS (place that employed Kramer): Truly the best bagels around. Hot, crusty and can handle a schmear of cream cheese with the best of ‘em. The official Jerry location is on 80^th and Broadway. NEXT!!

AWKWARD GOOGLE SEARCHES OF THE DAY.

Today’s hot topics & questions deal with Jesus, Jell-O and Jersey.

ROBOCOP QUOTE OF THE DAY

“They'll fix you. They fix everything.”

YOU COULD BE 2 COLOR SHADES FROM “WHORE” AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT.

by KC (NWM Staff Writer)

Which lipstick color is right for me? Probably the leading issue on everyone woman’s mind. Right up there with universal healthcare and the economy. I mean just one wrong color shade slip and you could go from va-va-va-voom to va-va-va-slutty. Scary.

4 FACTORS TO KEEP IN MIND…

Lifestyle: Consider your type of profession and extracurricular activities.

Skin Tones: Paler skin is totally BAD with a dark, vampish color. Thankfully most makeup aisles provide a handy “color to skin complexion” chart.

Lip size: Dark colors make lips look less Jolie-ish and visa-versa.

Time of Day: Some colors that are too dramatic for the workday might be perfect post 5:01pm when you’re ready to slap those nipple rings on and Goth out.

3 TOYS FROM MY DECADE THAT COULD KICK ANY TOY’S ASS TODAY.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

We didn’t have no high-tech, virtual Leap-Froggy toys back in the 70s. Everything I owned was forged from molten, hot TONKA steel, and old school, hard plastic. Glad to know you can still find these tough toys on ebay. FYI…the kid in the pic is probably at least 44 now. Right?

6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN (1975): Kenner’s ultimate tribute to the smash action series starring Lee Majors. This figure totally towers over any of those wimpy action minis of today. Stevie even sports a REAL, working telescopic eye. Plus has the lever in the back to activate his karate chopping bionic arm. Also included in the deluxe set are a rocket, backpack radio, helmet and funky, signature, red jumpsuit. ebay bidding starts at $39.99.

TONKA METAL TRUCK (1970): The big, yellow beast! This all-metal dump truck features bulletproof plastic wheels and an "easy to swallow" crane pulley. Definitely the toy voted to most likely take out an eye or a face. ebay bidding starts at $30.

WEEBLE FIGURES (1973): Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down. They also hurt like a mutha when your supposed friend (Billy Fesner) chucks one at your head. These plastic playthings of death were probably most famous for their fun "choking hazard" design. Love to know the figure of Weeble-related emergency room cases back in the day. Still, they looked cool in the Weeble-Van. ebay bidding starts at $7.99.

6 QUESTIONS FOR A BULL SPERM COLLECTOR.

So how does one go about getting a bull to ejaculate on command?

You use an artificial vagina. It’s filled with water (about 45°C) to simulate the feel of a cow’s actual vagina.

What do you wear to protect yourself from a love-crazed, wild, stomping bull?

I wear a helmet and gloves.

How much is bull semen worth?

It’s a tricky question since cattle breeders usually buy in bulk. I’d say a 70lb semen tank that contains the sperm of 40 to 50 bulls is worth around $50K to $75K.

How much can you make a year?

Depends. You usually start at around $17K. The more senior collectors make around $54K.

How long can a bull produce sperm?

Around 14 years.

What do you keep the sperm in?

Containers called Straws. You can use about 300 on just one bull. The place I work at sells about 10,000 to 15,000 Straws a month.

THE PROPER BULL SPERM COLLECTING METHOD WHEN A FEMALE IS INVOLVED.

BAYWATCH FANS REJOICE: NEW DVD EASTER EGG FOUND

Special thanks to FROGURT4567 for finding this hidden gem.

BAYWATCH SEASON 2 ($18.99 @ Amazon)

• From Disc 5 select "A Conversation With The Creators.”
• Press the right arrow at the same time.
• You will then see a shape of a female lifeguard.
• Highlight it to access a montage of girls, lifeguards and civilians on the beach.

OUT OF THE BOX LOOK AT THE #1 PENIS ENLARGER.

VIMAX EXTENDER promises to add 3 to 4 inches in length and enhance girth. Plus, correct any issues with penile curvature (up to 75%). Even helps with erectile dysfunction by increasing blood flow. All for only $99.99

OUT OF THE BOX…

The main pieces are made from a quality, space age plastic. Also included are metallic elongation bars and silicone bands. Has a portable, discreet design so it can easily travel with you. YOU CAN EVEN WEAR IT UNDER YOUR WORK CLOTHES!

 

HOW IT WORKS...

Rest easy. The Vimax Extender is designed to work with BOTH circumcised and uncircumcised male sex organs. Essentially you use the bars and bands in conjunction with the device to provide gentle tension to the shaft. You should be able to see a noticeable size difference within 3 to 4 months.

PLEASE NOTE: Male sex organ must be flaccid for device to work properly.

 

GROUND CHUCK. LOVE, PETA

by Barry S. (NWM Staff Writer)

Groundhog day is highlighted by the appearance of those American favorites Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck to check out their shadows.  Now PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) wants to replace the groundhog with a robot.  According to the NY Daily News, PETA said "tradition is no excuse for cruelty."  PETA feels that an animatronic Phil would be just as good and allow the real Phil (or Chuck) to retire. The Staten Island zoo said Chuck is a celebrity and they'd never dream of replacing him. Reps for the Caddyshack gopher had no comment on the matter.

TIPS FOR NON-JEWS ON HOW TO FILL OUT A BAR MITZVAH CARD.

by One Hungry Jew (NWM Staff Writer)

Next to pet sympathy cards, I’d say Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah cards are one of the more difficult ones to fill out. Just to bring you up to speed, a Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah is a celebration of reaching adulthood. Not unlike being eligible to drive.

• You need to be a certain age: 13
  
• You need to take a test: Reading Torah portion in front of relatives & friends.
  

THE GIFT...

First off it’s usually customary to give money at these things. So buy one of those BM cards with a check holder in it. The card will probably have a Jewish star and a congratulations phrase on it like Mazel Tov (Good Luck). As far as a proper sign off goes, here are 8 “can’t miss” options with a smidge of appropriate humor.

1. Great job on your portion!!! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
   
2. Congrats!!! You’re officially an adult. Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
   
3. Looks like the practicing paid off!! Love Mr. & Mrs. Smith
   
4. Congrats on your special day!!! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
   
5. Loved the candy cart!!! Congrats!! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
   
6. Great job chanting! Mazel Tov! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
   
7. What? No Matzo? Congrats! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith
   
8. Totally nailed your portion!!! Mazel Tov! Love, Mr. & Mrs. Smith

NERD BLING: THE WINTER COLLECTION

by Graphic-Guy (NWM Staff Writer)

If you’ve been to any sort of Comic-Con (yes, there’s more than one) you know that some people don’t just attend – they live it. Cosplayers. Larpers. Stormtroopers. All transform into ornate characters of fantasy as soon as they walk through the doors, pay the $29.95, grab a tote bag and get their hand stamped (if they need to leave). One such quadrant of the galaxy that was prime target for showing off (and purchasing) this type of nerd gear was at Seattle’s Emerald City Comicon this past weekend. Sadly, by NOT attending you missed out on some incredible, nerd-tacular treasures such as…

Moljinr – The Hammer of Thor Replica ($350 @ Superherotimes.com)

18” accurate, aluminum-based replica (includes etched quote)

handle wrapped in genuine glove leather

includes museum quality, acrylic display case

Only 1,000 pieces created

Battlestar Galactica Viper Pilots Wings pin ($8.99 @ eCrater.com)

1 ½” high

Replica pin of the rebooted series

Made of a cloisonne metal alloy in a gold tone

Atari - Joystick Belt Buckle ($24 @ oldglory.com)
Brushed, glossy finish
Includes company logo
Red enamel used for button

Jem and the Holograms silver Necklace ($8 @ eCrater.com)

Oval rhodium pendant

Graphic covered with clear plastic element that renders it indestructible

Pendant measures 3.4cm x 2.8cm

24 inch ball chain