I’VE MONKEY-TAILED MANY, MANY WOMEN – PLEASE FORGIVE ME JESUS.

I guess you can consider this my open letter apology to all my victims.

I was really young (must’ve been like 10) the first time it happened. I was at sleepaway camp. The girl (victim #1) was Gabby Fesner. She was beautiful. Long flowing brown hair. Piercing blue eyes. The whole nine yards. We had been dating for about 3 days (5 years in adult terms). At the time it felt so right, so natural to do what I did. I monkey-tailed her while we were walking to some musical pizza social. I remember her having an odd, confused look when I did it. She was worried her bunkmates would find out. P.S. we broke up the next day after ceramics.

Flash forward 6 years later to high school. My victim #8 was Roberta Cornelius. The MT occurred right after our 2month anniversary. We were on our way to math class. I remember asking God for strength. But of course after gazing into her eyes and sniffing her scent I succumbed to my dirty urges. I monkey-tailed her right then and there (near the freshman lockers). Her BFF (Michelle) saw us. She had this look of horror and grabbed my Roberta from me. Michelle made some crappy excuse like she hadn’t seen Roberta since gym class, but I knew the truth. Michelle was ashamed for her friend. Roberta and I broke up a week later. I’d love to blame Michelle, but I’d only be kidding myself. It was the monkey-tail.

SO WHAT IS MONKEY-TAILING YOU RAVING PSYCHO?

I hate to use this word (since there are negative connotations attached to it), but I can’t think of a more appropriate one. Monkey-tailing is probably the gayest form of PDA (public display of affection). It’s soooo gay that it should only be attempted by two people that are either …

a vomity cheesy couple

OR

high as kites

C’MON ALREADY, I HAVE OTHER BLOGS TO READ, WHAT THE %$%# IS MONKEY-TAILING?

Fine. I'll tell you. Monkey-tails is my playful term for interlocking pinkies. That’s right, yours truly has done the pinky thing unsuccessfully with many women. I think my last victim was on a jdate back in '98. Once I got the "pull away" from Shari Lipschitz I knew I had to change my pathetic ways for good. I've been clean for 10 years today. Praise Jesus.

See the below visual for the truly gayest form of PDA – MONKEY-TAILING.