Michael Stipe said it best, “Everybody Hurts.”
Amen brother. In my 39.65 years on this ball of mud I’ve experienced it all. Getting dumped. Crappy grades. Horrible workday. Even the “where the F is my life heading” sadness you get after an ungodly amount of beers ‘n shots. Of course there are only 4 ways to ride out these bouts of depression when you’re a guy and alone…
- Slow Sad Music (Eric Carmen, Michael Bolton, etc.)
- Video games
- Masturbate
- And my personal favorite, FINGERING JARS OF FOOD
I know the latter will seemingly do the most caloric damage in the long run, but it usually is the most satisfying to me. I think it has something to do with the intake of comfort food laced with a sugar rush. It’s also way more gratifying if you DON’T go the spoon route. Why? 3 reasons…
- Metallic-ness of the spoon kills the taste.
- Not as malleable (can’t get the last of the good stuff as easily as a finger).
- Finger offers the perfect serving size customized to you.
MY TOP 4 DELICIOUS DEPRESSION BEATERS
PB&J: A finger classic. Personally, I think the Skippy smooth peanut butter fuses the best to grape jelly (like Smucker's). Another must is to use the peanut butter as your base. Less messy. Trust me. Total Fat: 16g / Total Calories: 240
BLACK ‘N WHITE: Need to be a bit more of a pro-fingerer to tackle this one. Fluff is uber-sticky, yet Hershey’s syrup is super smooth. Best way to do it is finger a whole mess of the white stuff then squirt some brown on top. Delish.
Total Fat: 0g / Total Calories: 140
MILKY WAY®: This euro-spread is kinda hard to find. So if you do see it on your grocer’s shelf, grab it. The jar is crammed with rich milk chocolate swirled with sweet ribbons of vanilla icing. Apparently that’s the exact same ingredients you find in the European version. BONUS TIP: Chill MW at least a day before fingering. Total Fat: 10g / Total Calories: 160
RAW COOKIE DOUGH: An inebriated favorite. Nestle Toll House® has the best chip to dough ration. However, there are two drawbacks to this treat: you need two fingers and that whole salmonella thing. Total Fat: 6g / Total Calories: 130
