Michael Stipe said it best, “Everybody Hurts.”
Amen brother. In my 39.65 years on this ball of mud I’ve experienced it all. Getting dumped. Crappy grades. Horrible workday. Even the “where the F is my life heading” sadness you get after an ungodly amount of beers ‘n shots. Of course there are only 4 ways to ride out these bouts of depression when you’re a guy and alone…
- Slow Sad Music (Eric Carmen, Michael Bolton, etc.)
- Video games
- Masturbate
- And my personal favorite, FINGERING JARS OF FOOD
I know the latter will seemingly do the most caloric damage in the long run, but it usually is the most satisfying to me. I think it has something to do with the intake of comfort food laced with a sugar rush. It’s also way more gratifying if you DON’T go the spoon route. Why? 3 reasons…
- Metallic-ness of the spoon kills the taste.
- Not as malleable (can’t get the last of the good stuff as easily as a finger).
- Finger offers the perfect serving size customized to you.
MY TOP 4 DELICIOUS DEPRESSION BEATERS
PB&J: A finger classic. Personally, I think the Skippy smooth peanut butter fuses the best to grape jelly (like Smucker's). Another must is to use the peanut butter as your base. Less messy. Trust me. Total Fat: 16g / Total Calories: 240
BLACK ‘N WHITE: Need to be a bit more of a pro-fingerer to tackle this one. Fluff is uber-sticky, yet Hershey’s syrup is super smooth. Best way to do it is finger a whole mess of the white stuff then squirt some brown on top. Delish.
Total Fat: 0g / Total Calories: 140
MILKY WAY®: This euro-spread is kinda hard to find. So if you do see it on your grocer’s shelf, grab it. The jar is crammed with rich milk chocolate swirled with sweet ribbons of vanilla icing. Apparently that’s the exact same ingredients you find in the European version. BONUS TIP: Chill MW at least a day before fingering. Total Fat: 10g / Total Calories: 160
RAW COOKIE DOUGH: An inebriated favorite. Nestle Toll House® has the best chip to dough ration. However, there are two drawbacks to this treat: you need two fingers and that whole salmonella thing. Total Fat: 6g / Total Calories: 130
Ah yes. Nothing like eating your pain. If that was a sport, I'd be champion of the damn world. Especially if it was all about the raw cookie dough. Nummy.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, now you're talking. You sound like a bear at a campground. I like nutella and peanut butter. First, you dip your finger in and coat it with peanut butter, all the way around, stick it in deep-it won't hurt, it'll feel good. Then, dance it around inside the nutella jar, coat it good. It can never be too wet... Now, slip it into your mouth and suck real slow. Yeah, that does lift depression...
ReplyDeleteI'm a cookie dough girl. We go for the 'Kroger' generic brand. If you don't have a store that sells Kroger brand you're totally screwed because it's the only generic that can even compete on the chip/dough factor!
ReplyDeleteAs far as the potential for becoming terribly sick... flirting with the danger helps to kill the sadness.
Yum Cookie dough! Puff and cake frosting is awesome! Especially if you mix that with peanut butter!
ReplyDeleteThis is not just a man's sport, though we're more likely to use a table spoon (with the toes or fingers, whichever gets it down the fastest).
ReplyDeletexo
What, no mayo?
ReplyDeleteSmuckers, yes! My personal fave is Smuckers chunky peanut butter laced with Smuckers cherry preserves, roll it up in Health Nut bread (we gotta be healthy, right?), wad it good and mash it down the hatch. Blood sugar bolts right through the top of the head!
ReplyDeleteNo one heeds the cookie dough thing.. It seems it;s always worth the risk.... >^.^<
ReplyDeleteUmm fluff! but where is the nutella?
ReplyDeleteI thought that the storebrand cookie dough was made in a special way to avoid salmonella.
ReplyDeleteOh, I've never seen the Milky Way before, but I'd finger the heck of it..Yum!
ReplyDeleteI hate getting my fingers dirty - even munching on Cheese Doodles puts my OCD into overdrive. Would spooning these items be acceptable?
ReplyDeleteTruth.. I say hell with it eat them all at once..
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with your selections. And as far as PBJ is concerned, that Goober stuff that has em pre-mixed just ain't the same. Ya gotta dip em individually.
ReplyDeleteI knew marshmellow fluff was gonna make the grade as soon as I started reading. Nice REM reference.
ReplyDeleteYou have the catchiest blog titles....and that's all I'm sayin'.
ReplyDeleteThis is making me wish I liked peanut butter because I'm missing out on some awesome depressed people fare!
ReplyDeleteThis kinda made me sick. I am not really a food fingerer I guess. If I have peanut butter, I am just going to spoon it.
ReplyDeletemmm.... love me some comfort food!!
ReplyDelete