SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA STONED PEOPLE ARE EATING THIS …

PB&J Fries: Fries topped with peanut satay sauce and raspberry chipotle jelly! You can nab these puppies at the Potato Champion in Portland Oregon. 

HELP! MY FRIENDS ARE COMING OVER TO USE MY BONG, BUT POT IS ILLEGAL. WHAT CAN WE SMOKE?

Calm down! And don’t think for a second about using tobacco from nasty cigarettes. Just take a couple of deep breaths. You all relaxed? Good. Now walk right into your kitchen. Chances are you have perfectly safe, yet fun subsitutes right in your cabinet.

PICK #1: GREEN TEA

Cost: A brick goes for only $9.99

The Good: Loaded with vitamin C.

The Bad: Funky smell when smoked.

But will it get me high? Not really, but it does contain caffeine so you will catch a Red Bull worthy buzz. 

PICK #2: NUTMEG

Cost: 1.9 oz goes for $41

The Good: So-so remedy for diarrhea (if mixed with a banana).

The Bad: Causes pleasant symptoms like nausea, dry mouth and a rapid heartbeat for around 12 hours.

But will it get me high? Yes, nutmeg contains the hallucinogenic ingredients myristicin and elemicin. However in order to work it needs to be taken in high doses.

PICK #3: OREGANO

Cost: 16 oz goes for $16

The Good: Rich source of antioxidant vitamins.

The Bad: Smoking it will cause shortness of breath and possible lung damage.

But will it get me high? Looks like pot, but that’s where the similarities end. There is a 0.00% chance you will be tripping balls. 

ACCURATE “STONED OUT OF GOURD” MEASUREMENT: OCULAR DIAMETER.

by Greg Colfaz (NWM Staff Writer)

Hey from Cottonwood, Idaho. So there’s this guy (Doug) at my supermarket that works in the back. He’s one of the people in charge of restocking inventory when we’re low on cans or dry good products. Really nice guy. He’s invited me to his house to watch the games. Usually a sweet time, ‘cause his roommate has a big screen and NFL Sunday Ticket. My only issue with Doug is his lunch habits. Since he lives close by, Doug sometimes goes home to – how should I put this? Gets baked. Now being a twenty something, 2state traveler I have no issues with this extracurricular activity. Hell, I’ve partaken in the ganja from time to time. Great stress reliever. My issue is when he gets back to work he’s useless. He never remembers anything I tell him. So I wind up getting in trouble with the boss-man. Now if I knew Doug was stoned ahead of time I’d asked the other guy (Larry) to restock the shelves. Unfortunately, outside of a social situation I lose all of my easy tells. Doug’s not munching on 8 bags of chips. And he’s’ not experience any giggling fits. He’s at work so he’s trying to keep all of that under control. Of course after much research (dealing with Doug for a month) I finally found one sure-fire tell. Not only does it clue you in to if the person is stoned, but also the level of baked-ness. I refer to it as Ocular Diameter Detection (watching for droopy eyelids). Here are the 3 measurements that work for me (you might need to adjust, depending on the person’s tolerance):

¼ eyelid droop: capable of certain low-level tasks at all times.

½ eyelid droop: will be semi-functional by end of day.

¾ eyelid droop: avoid.

Much easier to tell in this situation...

NWM NEWS: MAN BUSTED FOR BETTING WEED AT BLACKJACK TABLE.

Special thanks to KMPH for breaking this story about a dazed and confused individual from Fresno.