CAPTAIN PLANET F--D UP part 1. (most likely NOT an ongoing series)

My goal was to find one episode where Captain Planet was wrong! Some lesson-to-be-learned or eco-save that didn’t pay out well for the future. I was beginning to think all hope was lost until I stumbled onto episode 8, Rain of Terror.

The plot has the Planeteers trying to stop Verminous Skumm from destroying a city with a giant cloud filled with acid rain. Of course, good triumphs over evil and the cloud was destroyed. 

Though according to a group of scientists at Michigan Technological University's School of Forest Resources and Environmental Science looks like the Captain made the wrong call. It seems that the research concludes that acid rain is actually beneficial for depleted forests. This polluted hot rain (rich with nitrogen) actually improves forest productivity. Meaning it saves the trees from dying out. And last time I checked, that's pretty high on the "Green stuff to accomplish in this century" list. Smooth move Super Cruise.

WATCH YOURSELF JAKE – THE MOVIE MULLET CURSE WILL STRIKE AGAIN.

I’m just warning you Mr. Gyllenhaal, my curse theory is almost never wrong. I’ve seen it time and time again. Actor (with short hair) hits it big in a film and with the ladies. Then for the follow up (bigger budget) feature the same actor goes the long-haired, mullet-ish route. Of course that second movie TANKS REALLY BAD AT THE BOX OFFICE!!! And not one studio head can figure out why. The answer is simple, it's THE CURSE OF THE MOVIE MULLET!!!!

Q: WHAT DOES A MULLET HAVE TO DO WITH IT?

A: Takes the all-American, clean-cut actor and douche-i-fies him.

DON’T GIVE ME THIS BRAD PITT SH*T.

Legends of the Fall came after Vampire Diaries. Both films Brad had long hair. Doesn’t count.

You can also eliminate all the late 80s/early 90s movies since everyone had Mullets.

MOVIE MULLET CURSE EXAMPLES:

Colin Farrell:

S.W.A.T. (short hair): 207 million worldwide

The New World (mullet): 30 million worldwide

Leonardo DiCaprio:

Titanic (short hair): 1 billion worldwide

The Man In The Iron Mask (mullet): 182 million worldwide

Tom Cruise:

Jerry Maguire (short hair): 273 million worldwide

Magnolia (mullet): 48 million worldwide

Defy me if you dare!!!

SUCK IT CAPTAIN PLANET.

by Greg Colfaz (NWM Staff Writer)

Hey from Cottonwood, Idaho. So I may or may not have been watching my Captain Planet and the Planeteers Season 1 DVD (drunk) this past weekend. Originally I was trying to settle a bet with my friend to see if it was really Tom Cruise’s voice behind the mighty blue eco-avenger. No dice, but after 5 beers and 3 episodes I did figure out why I hated this show waaay more than He-Man. It was too over-the-top preachy throughout the episodes. At least He-Man waited ‘til the end to tell Orko what he learned from dishing out a can of whoop-ass to Skeletor. This epiphany totally changed my mission. Now, my goal was to find one episode where CP was wrong! Some lesson-to-be-learned or eco-save that didn’t pay out well for the future. I was beginning to think all hope was lost until I stumbled onto episode 8, Rain of Terror. The plot has the Planeteers trying to stop Verminous Skumm from destroying a city with a giant cloud filled with acid rain. Of course, good triumphs over evil and the cloud was destroyed. Though according to a group of scientists at Michigan Technological University's School of Forest Resources and Environmental Science looks like the Captain made the wrong call. It seems that the research concludes that acid rain is actually beneficial for depleted forests. This polluted hot rain (rich with nitrogen) actually improves forest productivity. Meaning it saves the trees from dying out. And last time I checked, that's pretty high on the "Green stuff to accomplish in this century" list. Smooth move Super Cruise.

APPLE BOTTOM JEANS: MYSTERY REVEALED…TO ME!

Funky Cold Medina is a vodka-ish drink. Naughty By Nature’s OPP is…well, I eventually got it. Actually, at first I thought it was a gym in Southern California (the video has everyone working out – sue me!) NOW upon reaching my adult age, I am man enough to admit that I am a hip-hop faker. To begin with, I rarely ever hear a hip-hop song when it first comes out. It doesn’t reach me even after radio play. Nope, I’m usually introduced to the beat either in a commercial, CW episode, a Today’s Show Friday concert or movie. Of course, when younger people at work ask me if I’ve heard the song, I will say I know it and get the double meaning of the lyrics. Neither which are true. Apple Bottom jeans is one such term that has recently eluded me. I finally heard Flo Rida belt it out on stage in front of a rockin’ Al Roker and Meredith Vieira (both apparently got it). At first I thought Apple Bottom was a dance, like Jiggy-ing or Lombada. WRONG. Then I finally got the jean part, but I thought they were a new type of bell-bottoms (like Valerie Bertinelli used to wear on One Day at a Time – YOWZA!!) I was close. They are jeans, but the Apple Bottoms is the brand name (and how they fit women). The line was created by Nelly, Yomi Martin & Ian Kelly. Oprah and Ellen have worn ‘em. Tom Cruise’s character even did the bump and shake in them in Tropic Thunder. And now, finally, the Apple Bottoms mystery is solved for me. Now what the hell is a Shawty?