JUST IN CASE YOU CONFUSE HEAVY PETTING WITH A FULL PAT DOWN

I don’t like to brag, but from 1986 to 2002 I was a heavy petting artist – the rest of the bases…not so much. Now it seems like the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is moving in on my turf with this full pat down policy. If you’re confused between the two let me break down the definitions, complete with full color diagrams.

FULL PAT DOWN

Definition: The act of probing, groping, and rubbing of genitals to ensure no weapons of any sort are being snuck through airline security.

HEAVY PETTING (1986 style)

Definition: The act of sensually probing, groping, and rubbing of genitals to ensure both participants get off.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T PACK A BANANA IN YOUR CARRYON BEFORE FLYING...AND OTHER TIPS.

by Eddie Winkle (NWM Staff Writer)

Unfortunately I found out the hard way. I was in a harried rush to make my flight for a yearly pilgrimage to see my parents in Boca Raton. While putting my carryon through the security machines I got nabbed for not 1, but 4 travel violations…

Similar to laptops, Kindles too need to be separated from your carryon bag before placing it in the X-ray machine.

Glass jars filled with stuff (like blueberry jam) need to be packed with your regular luggage or else they will be confiscated.

Bananas arouse suspicion (they never told me why).

Don't even think about bringing medium to big-size stuff with liquid (bottled water, snowglobes, etc.)

HERE’S A MORE DETAILED LIST OF CARRYON NO-NO’s…

[courtesy of those friendly folks at the Transportation Security Administration]

• Box Cutters
• Ice Axes/Ice Picks
• Meat Cleavers
• Razor-Type Blades - such as box cutters, utility knives, razor blades not in a cartridge, but excluding safety razors.
• Sabers
• Scissors - metal with pointed tips and blades shorter than four inches
• Swords
• Gun Lighters
• Axes & Hatchets
• Cattle Prods
• Hammers
• Drills
• Saws
• Billy Clubs
• Black Jacks
• Brass Knuckles
• Kubatons
• Gas Cartridges
• Lighters (without fuel)

Happy Holiday Traveling!

LATEST UFO SIGHTINGS.

Straight from the National UFO Reporting Center…

 

Occurred : 8/27/2009 22:45 (Entered as : 08/27/09 22:45)

Location: Green Bay, WI

Shape: Teardrop

Duration:10 minutes

amber orange light moving erratically and moves on E/NE track--absolutey quiet on a dark clear night, my wife were coming from the video store when I saw an amber/orange light. It traveled rather slow around the sky back, forth and up and down gradually settle in a east by northeast steady and slow. we lost it in the trees scrambled up the block to see where it went. that was the end of the encounter. We had no film camera or video equipment. My wife tried to take a picture with her phone but could not get it in her viewfinder. I have no idea what we just saw but I feel we really saw something special and exciting. I wonder could you watch for other reports in our area.

Occurred : 8/27/2009 22:00 (Entered as : 08/27/2009 22:00)

Location: El Paso (east side), TX

Shape: Other

Duration:2-3 MINUTES

3 unknown objects moving across the el paso sky. Around 10pm and 10:15pm my husband and I were sitting in our backyard talking. As I looked up to see the big bright star, I noticed that there were three objects moving in a straight line same distance away from each other and same pace. The objects that I saw were as bright as a dull looking star. I couldn't really see the shape because they were far. I waited a few seconds before I told my husband because I wanted to make sure they were moving and that I just wasn’t’ seeing things. I pointed them out to him and we continued to watch them go. I whistled at my daughter to come out and when she did. I pointed them out to her by this time they were above my home, they were pretty high up, we thought it was impossible for them to be planes. We couldn't see them anymore after they moved towards the front of our house.