HEMP-TASTIC HOLIDAY COOKIES

The perfect treat for holiday celebrations and post-party munchies.

Ingredients

• 1 3/4 cups all-purpose HEMP flour
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 cup butter, softened
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/2 cup peanut butter
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2 tablespoons Living Harvest Hempmilk (Tempt)
• 40 miniature chocolate covered peanut butter cups, unwrapped.

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
2. Sift together the flour, salt and baking soda; set aside.
3. Cream together the butter, sugar, peanut butter and brown sugar until fluffy.
4. Beat in the egg, vanilla and milk. Add the flour mixture; mix well.
5. Shape into 40 balls and place each into an ungreased mini muffin pan.
6. Bake at 375 degrees for about 8 minutes. Remove from oven and immediately press a mini peanut butter cup into each ball. Cooland carefully remove from pan.

SPRAY ON CONDOM STILL A NO GO FOR HOLIDAY SEASON

In 2006, a revolutionary product was released to the German press –The Spray-on Condom. The way it works is you insert your penis into a small container filled with spray nozzles and PRESTO, a condom instantly appears. It’s being billed as the must solution for odd shaped genitalia looking for the perfect fit. Each liquid cartidge makes 20 latexcondoms (depending on length and girth). Inventor Jan Vinzenz Krause was all set to roll it out by the end of the year. Yet, here we are 3 years later and still no magic love glove. The following are some of the set backs Jan has confronted…

• During testing men became squeamish with the insertion process.
• Men also felt the noise (made during the application process) killed the mood.
• Dry time longer than expected.
• Costs twice as much as a regular pack of condoms.
• Liquid latex doesn’t form a reservoir tip.

3 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT ROSH HASHANAH (but you’re wrong)

#1- Rosh Hashanah is the celebration of the Jewish New Year, NOT the holiday you smear cow’s blood on doors (that’s Passover).

#2- This is NOT the holiday we eat those Jewish crackers aka Matzo (again, that’s Passover).

 #3- Rosh Hashanah is one of our bigger holidays as opposed to the one that lasts for 8 crazy nights!

WHERE CAN I DONATE MY OLD VIBRATOR TO HELP SOMEONE LESS FORTUNATE?

By now the wrapping paper has been tossed aside. Boxes are in the recycle bin. And all the brand spankin’ new (child and adult) toys are out and ready to be played with to death. If one of those shiny devices happens to be an all-powerful, smile-inducing vibrator – chances are you have an old one you’re about to toss in the trash. Well if it’s a snazzy LoveHoney Rabbit Vibrator (from the UK), STOP!!! You could actually send it back to LoveHoney and not only get a discount, but also bring joy to a needy woman’s vagina. It's simple...

OOPS: After further research I’m pretty sure this LoveHoney program is for helping the environment – not for poor vaginas. Though either way you’re doing something nice.

JUST IN CASE YOU CONFUSE HEAVY PETTING WITH A FULL PAT DOWN

I don’t like to brag, but from 1986 to 2002 I was a heavy petting artist – the rest of the bases…not so much. Now it seems like the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is moving in on my turf with this full pat down policy. If you’re confused between the two let me break down the definitions, complete with full color diagrams.

FULL PAT DOWN

Definition: The act of probing, groping, and rubbing of genitals to ensure no weapons of any sort are being snuck through airline security.

HEAVY PETTING (1986 style)

Definition: The act of sensually probing, groping, and rubbing of genitals to ensure both participants get off.

HOLY CRAP! YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHO’S SPEAKING AT THE GROUNDHOG’S DAY BANQUET.

Give up? He’s none other than Mr. Groundhog’s Day himself – Stephen Tobolowsky. If you’re still drawing a blank he played Ned Ryerson, the annoying guy that repeatedly bugs Bill. The clip should jog your memory.

Stephen happens to also be one of the greatest character actors of all time. He’s appeared in get this – over 400 movies and TV shows.

He even has a documentary based on his life appropriately titled – Stephen Tobolowsky's Birthday Party.

SO OTHER THAN STEPHEN AND PHIL WHAT ELSE GOES ON IN PUNXSUTAWNEY?

A whole lot apparently. In these parts, GD is actually a massive 2-day affair. Here’s a rundown of EVERY EVENT.

FEB. 1st.

Carriage rides around town (12pm – 8pm)

16th Annual Groundhog Souvenir Show and Sale (2pm – 8pm)

Annual Groundhog Banquet sponsored by the Inner Circle (6:30 – 9:30)
Located in the Punxsutawney High School Cafeteria.

Lowlander Highlander (7pm – 8pm)
Featuring a Celtic drum and fiddle group.

Phil's Shadow Chaser and Warming Hut Café (7pm – 11pm)
Snacks, games and a burrow maze for humans.

Steel Town Fire (8pm – 9pm)
Fire dancers run around.

Groundhog Eve Bash (9pm – 2am)
Lots of food and booze (in moderation).

12th Annual “Groundhog Comedy Club Night” (9:30pm – 10pm)
Featuring comic magician Michelangelo!

Community Center Crash Pad (10pm – 5am)
Camp out under the stars. No smoking or alcohol allowed.

Groundhog Day the Movie (11pm – 1am)
Duh.

FEB. 2ND (ASIDE FROM THE SHADOW THING)

124th Trek to Gobbler's Knob (3am – 8am)
Fireworks and adult supervised fun. Still no alcohol and smoking.

Pancake Breakfast (6:30am – 11am)
All you can eat!

Annual Groundhog Day Art Show (8am – 2pm)
Sponsored by the Punxsutawney Arts Association.

16^th Annual Groundhog Souvenir Show and Sale (8am – 2pm)
Round 2

More carriage rides (8am – 2pm)

Jeff Tech Metal Competition (8pm – 2pm)
Students create groundhog sculptures out of metal.

Dennie Huber (8:30am – 9:30pm)
Famous magician and balloon artist.

Groundhog Luncheon (9am – 2pm)
Soup, sandwiches and desserts.

Phil’s Wedding Chapel (9am – 2pm)
Witness a romantic Groundhog Day wedding.

Oreo Stacking Contest (10am – 12pm)
Sanctioned event.

Meet Stinky (10am – 11am)
Phil’s younger sibling and eventual replacement.

Little Mr. & Mrs. Groundhog Crowning (11am – 11:30am)
2nd sanctioned event.

Punxsutawey Phil Lookalike Contest (11am – 12pm)
Hosted by actor extraordinaire Charlie Godart.

Inner Circle Autograph (12pm – 1pm)
Get all the Punxsutawey celeb autographs.

Meteorologist Hall of Fame Induction (12:30pm – 1:30pm)
Witness a truly emotional event.

FYI...PHIL SAW HIS SHADOW SO WE CAN LOOK FORWARD TO 6 MORE WEEKS OF WINTER. BAH HUMBUG!!!

GROUND CHUCK. LOVE, PETA

by Barry S. (NWM Staff Writer)

Groundhog day is highlighted by the appearance of those American favorites Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck to check out their shadows.  Now PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) wants to replace the groundhog with a robot.  According to the NY Daily News, PETA said "tradition is no excuse for cruelty."  PETA feels that an animatronic Phil would be just as good and allow the real Phil (or Chuck) to retire. The Staten Island zoo said Chuck is a celebrity and they'd never dream of replacing him. Reps for the Caddyshack gopher had no comment on the matter.

SOME OF THE LAMER NATIONAL AWARENESS MONTHS FOR 2010.

Not sure when all this National Awareness month stuff started, but overall I’m sure it’s done a lot of good for our country like with Black History Month or Breast Cancer Awareness. However, I feel like they’ve gone a bit overboard in what we as American citizens should be aware of. Here are some of the ones you might want to skip for 2010. FYI…apparently you can be aware of more than one thing each month. Who knew.

JANUARY:

National Clown College Month

FEBRUARY:

National Sweet Potato Month

National Canned Food Month

Creative Romance Month

Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month

National Pudding-Snack Month

National Bird Feeding Month

MARCH:

National Flour Month

National Frozen Food Month

National Sauce Month

APRIL:

National Pecan Month

National Soyfoods Month

Mathematics Month

Fresh Florida Tomato Month

MAY:

National Salsa Month

National Share A Story month

JUNE:

Audiobook Month

National Candy Month

National Iced Tea Month

JULY:

National Tickling Month

National Picnic Month

National Hat Month

AUGUST:

National Catfish Month

Studious Behavior Awareness Month

SEPTEMBER:

National Sewing Month

National Honey Month

Self-Improvement Month

National Biscuit Month

OCTOBER:

National Pretzel Month

National Pickled Peppers Month

National Cosmetology Month

National Country Ham Month

National Roller Skating Month

National Restaurant Hospitality Month

National Toilet Tank Repair Month

National Kitchen and Bath Month

NOVEMBER:

National Stamp Collecting Month

National Raisin Bread Month

DECEMBER:

Wear Brown Shoes Month

Pants Awareness Month