FOR THE COST OF 1 BOOB JOB I COULD GET 4 FREAK SURGERIES.

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

No joke. In 2010 beauty still trumps freak, and I can prove it. Say I want to get my boobs done by a reputable surgeon. That's gonna cost me somewhere in the neighborhood of 8K. Where if I was going the bizarre body modification route I could get 4 surgeries for that same price. Here's the rundown of what I could surgically alter on my face and head for bargain bucks.

FACIAL TOUNGUE SPLITTING: Patient’s tongue is divided 3cm to 5 cm to give a more snake-like appearance. Average cost $2K.

EAR POINTING: A wedge of the ear is removed, then stitched together to produce an elf-like effect. Price $1,800.

EYEBALL JEWELRY: Ocular surgery that adds a decorative platinum implant inserted under a thin membrane in the eye. English: Doctors glue jewelry to your eyeball. Average cost $1200.

3D IMPLANTS: Inserting objects (made of titanium, silicone, teflon or steel) beneath the skin to form shapes. The most common usage is to create the appearance of horns. Cost 600 bucks.

ALL REAL SANTAS, ELVES AND WHORES APPLY NOW!!

by Eddie Winkle (NWM Staff Writer)

‘Tis the season for height challenged folks, guys with extra jolly (fat) and promiscuous hotties to make some extra cash. Courtesy of Craigslist.

REAL-BEARDED SANTA WANTED (St. Louis, MO area)

Our Entertainment company is currently searching for REAL-BEARDED SANTAS for positions in the St. Louis, MO area.

Santa's wanted (Bronx, NY )

Looking for santas. must be pleasant and easy to work with. please call immediately.

Need an elf or Santa (Frankfort, Illinois)

I need an elf/santa for a last minute surpirse birthday party for an adult to hand out gifts. Pay negotiable. Need to have own costume.

Want to be my lil elf? - m4w - 30 (Mount Vernon, Virginia)

Looking for a small built woman (midgets are a plus) to dress up as an elf and let me stick my candy cane up your chimney. Send picture for consideration!

Sexy Santa's Helpers Wanted For Upscale Xmas Party (Pacific Beach, CA)

We need beautiful, lovely, and charming ladies to help us make this year's Christmas Party the best ever as part of San Diego's first major reality show!!! Only requirement: You must LOOK GOOD, and be conversational. In other words, you are GETTING PAID to party! Hostesses will be asked to wear festive green, sexy elf costumes that we will provide. (We will email you a picture of the outfit if you would like). The PB Angels will be wearing the red sexy santa outfits as seen at Frederick's or Victoria Secrets. We are still looking for that exceptional, alluring, exquisite, radiant, dazzling beauty to be a part of the PB Angel Team. This is your opportunity to impress Jim (a.k.a. the PB Millionaire) and the PB Angels and you could potentially become our 4th Angel!!! Send us a photo with a brief description about yourself to pbreality@gmail.com and tell us why you would make the best hostess. The pay is $100 Cash.

Santa seeks a sexy female elf to wrap his presents (metro area of dc)

Next week I will want a female that will do my holiday wrapping for me. Means you will wrap my christmas gifts while we share some drinks together. You will be asked to wear a sexy outfit to start then slip into something more revealing and you can even get totally naked if you feel like it. You can take a break if you want with a nice hot shower while i watch or a nice soaking bath . You should be very attractive and outgoing and open minded :) Forward a photo and tell me what evening next week would work for you, and we can set it up. I am open to any age, its your look and fun energy that are the key for me.