ALL REAL SANTAS, ELVES AND WHORES APPLY NOW!!

by Eddie Winkle (NWM Staff Writer)

‘Tis the season for height challenged folks, guys with extra jolly (fat) and promiscuous hotties to make some extra cash. Courtesy of Craigslist.

REAL-BEARDED SANTA WANTED (St. Louis, MO area)

Our Entertainment company is currently searching for REAL-BEARDED SANTAS for positions in the St. Louis, MO area.

Santa's wanted (Bronx, NY )

Looking for santas. must be pleasant and easy to work with. please call immediately.

Need an elf or Santa (Frankfort, Illinois)

I need an elf/santa for a last minute surpirse birthday party for an adult to hand out gifts. Pay negotiable. Need to have own costume.

Want to be my lil elf? - m4w - 30 (Mount Vernon, Virginia)

Looking for a small built woman (midgets are a plus) to dress up as an elf and let me stick my candy cane up your chimney. Send picture for consideration!

Sexy Santa's Helpers Wanted For Upscale Xmas Party (Pacific Beach, CA)

We need beautiful, lovely, and charming ladies to help us make this year's Christmas Party the best ever as part of San Diego's first major reality show!!! Only requirement: You must LOOK GOOD, and be conversational. In other words, you are GETTING PAID to party! Hostesses will be asked to wear festive green, sexy elf costumes that we will provide. (We will email you a picture of the outfit if you would like). The PB Angels will be wearing the red sexy santa outfits as seen at Frederick's or Victoria Secrets. We are still looking for that exceptional, alluring, exquisite, radiant, dazzling beauty to be a part of the PB Angel Team. This is your opportunity to impress Jim (a.k.a. the PB Millionaire) and the PB Angels and you could potentially become our 4th Angel!!! Send us a photo with a brief description about yourself to pbreality@gmail.com and tell us why you would make the best hostess. The pay is $100 Cash.

Santa seeks a sexy female elf to wrap his presents (metro area of dc)

Next week I will want a female that will do my holiday wrapping for me. Means you will wrap my christmas gifts while we share some drinks together. You will be asked to wear a sexy outfit to start then slip into something more revealing and you can even get totally naked if you feel like it. You can take a break if you want with a nice hot shower while i watch or a nice soaking bath . You should be very attractive and outgoing and open minded :) Forward a photo and tell me what evening next week would work for you, and we can set it up. I am open to any age, its your look and fun energy that are the key for me.

WHORE TOY OF THE WEEK

Mattel's Barbie's Digital Nail Printer.

Ok, whore might be a bit strong for this Barbie entry into the tech world. Maybe a tad trampish. You be the judge. Little girls get to add 1000s of eye catching "sexy" nail designs by way of this pink printer. Works with most PCs. Oh and when your little one is done with the design she can show it off to the whole Internet world (thanks to the built in video camera). Only $179, mom.

OPEN LETTER TO THOSE WHO WHORE IT UP FOR HALLOWEEN.

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

This is by no means some preachy, “after-school special” speech trying to get young, impressionable girls to face their low self-esteem issues, and not vamp it up for H-day. Wasted words as far as I’m concerned. I was 21. I know the lure of being able to drop your prim and proper façade one day out of the year. Back in the day I totally shoved my size 6 body into a short, short, spandexy, costume that showed off my young curves and perky, ample cleavage. Mostly I did it to impress some guy in my sociology class. Turned out to be creep, but that’s a whole other story. Anyway, as I said before, the advice part is NOT about the “sexing it up." It’s about keeping your brain intact for the evening. Lets face it, 4 hours at a kegger (or bar) full of horned up guys, dressed half naked is going to draw all kinds of attention – good and creepy. So here are my personal Halloween Vamp survival tips for the night...

Costume Choice:

BATGIRL

Reason:

It can be as form fitting as you want (see visual). A utility belt is also part of the costume. Much better than dragging a purse around, that you'll probably lose.

Vamp Belt Supplies (other than the mints, money & makeup):

C-PHONE – For obvious reasons.

EMERGENCY CASH STASH – For cab fare. Rest assured, the crazy party crowd will split you and your friends up (including the one that drove).

PEPPER SPRAY – It might seem silly, ‘til you’re walking to the diner on a dimly lit street.

CONDOM – You might say no, but the 5 beers and shots might make you think otherwise. Regardless if you regret it the next day, you should at least be safe that night.

ASPIRIN – (If you use that condom) helps with all types of headaches the next morning.

Keep some henchmen around:

Probably be a good idea to keep some real guy buddies (you trust) close at hand, just in case some Joker gets a little too touchy feely.

That’s pretty much it. If you need me I’ll be home with my roommate, 3 Netflix DVDs and a pint of something.

FYI…MY MOM THINKS I’M A WHORE FOR WEARING TOO MUCH BLUSH!

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

The incident:

My mom drove 1 ½ hours out of her way to surprisingly take me out to lunch. Even a better treat, she didn’t call first – way too much merriment for one gal to handle. So about 5 minutes into our mother-daughter meal, she reveals the real reason for stopping by. GASP! There’s a reason for her visit? Hot topic for discussion – “You’re father and I are worried you’re not getting out and meeting people!”

Jewish Mother Translation – “when are you going to get married and give us grand children already?!”

Of course this followed, by me reverting back to the classic 16 yr. old, obstinate teen. After about 10 minutes of [professionally murmured] arguments she decided to GO there. Mom, jumps from the “you work way too hard to have a life" speech and without missing a beat, goes right into “how can you catch a man looking like that?” reasoning. More specifically, she focused on my makeup. And yes (as the waiters and water guys were my witnesses), she did say that the amount of blush I use makes me look whore-ish. Internally I was in tears. Externally, I simply smiled and bit into my breadstick, counting the minutes ‘til the visit was over.

A True Self Examination:

As much as we do our ceremonial back and fourth barking at each other, I do love and respect my mother (in controlled 5 minute phone doses). So that night I did look in the mirror, and did a bit of beauty surfing. I came to the conclusion (as much as it pained me) that mom might have a point in the blush department.

On beauty.about.com I did discover that I might be a bit whore-like in my application and the color I choose. Blush is essentially a way to bring out your natural skin color to almost a healthy glow. Add too much and it starts to do just the opposite. Also, the color you choose should be in the same color palette as your skin tone (when flushed). Nothing too contrasty or bright.

Here’s beauty.about.com step by step blush method:

Step 1. Choose a color (based on how it looks when your cheeks are flushed after exercising or being out in the cold).

Step 2. Choose the type of blush (powder, gel or liquid). Powder is better for oily skin.

Step. 3. Apply foundation.

Step 4. Use a professional size blush brush (Mac blush brush No. 116 good recco).

Step 5. Add blush to brush. Not too much. You’re not painting a barn.

Step 6. Look in the mirror and smile to properly apply to the apple of your cheeks.

Step 7. Finish the look with a translucent powder.

Step 8. Repeat every morning or before a Match or jdate.

NO LOVE FOR POLE DANCING DOLL.

Want to help support the therapists of tomorrow? Give The Pole Dancer doll to your 11 yr old daughter. Then watch the mental magic unfold (15 years later). As far as I can tell, as music plays the little dolly twirls around a metallic pole topped with a disco ball. All while colorful lights blink on and off. It takes 3 double A batteries. I think the only dress color choice you have is shiny, emerald (whore) green. No word on when the boy version will hit stores.