6 QUESTIONS FOR A MALL SANTA

HOW MUCH DOES A FIRST TIME SANTA MAKE?
Usually they start you at about $100 per hour.

HOW MUCH FOR THE VETERAN SANTA?
Somewhere in the neighborhood of $175 to 200.

ARE THOSE RATES STANDARD THROUGH THE WHOLE SEASON?
Christmas Eve and day you could get an hourly pay upwards of 300 bucks.

DO YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE UNIFORM?Yep. A good suit could run you anywhere from $500 to $1000.

HOW MANY DAYS ARE SANTAS NEEDED?
40.

SO WHAT'S THE MOST YOU COULD MAKE FOR THE SEASON?
If you nab a corporate gig or private party on top of the mall hours you can expect to bring in about 10 grand.

CHEETO JESUS HOLIDAY PARTY TIP

Cheeto Jesus knows the worst part of any formal New Year’s or Xmas party is searching for your coat at the end of the night. The fact that almost everyone is wearing some sort of similar black (dark colored) overcoat certainly doesn’t help the matter.

CHEETO JESUS SOLUTION: Set your jacket apart from the others simply by tying a bright colored ribbon to one of the buttons.

TV SHOWS AND CHRISTMAS ALBUMS SHOULD NOT MATE

6 CHRISTMAS BALLS THAT ARE SURE TO MAKE GOOD CHRISTIAN PARENTS BLUSH

‘Twas X days before Christmas, and all through the house – 2 creatures were stirring inside your house. Momma and poppa stared at the tree and got quite a big scare. That's ‘cause you read this post and knew what creepy things to hang with care.

#1- YULE DOOS ORNAMENT

$5.95 @ dogbedsandmore.com

#2- FEMALE GINGER-NUDE EROTIC ORNAMENT

$9.99 @ Rickysnyc.com

#3- MISTLE BLOW

$19.99 @ thepinkpanty.com

#4- TWO ELVES DOING IT

$19.99 @ thepinkpanty.com

#5- SANTA’S SEX SLAVE

$19.99 @ thepinkpanty.com

#6- HO HO HUNG

$19.99 @ thepinkpanty.com

USE MY CAN’T MISS BLOODY COUGH TRICK TO START THANKSGIVING BREAK EARLY.

Thanksgiving should be changed to SUCKSgiving (copyright pending).

Ok, ok, a bit harsh, but not totally uncalled for. My whole beef with this holiday is with the pre-game stuff. If you’re hosting the holiday you go nuts dealing with all the cooking, the setting up, and planning where weird uncle Pete is going to bunk so he doesn’t have to stay in your kid’s room. 

Rushing to these titanic turkey feasts ain’t no picnic either. Crawling traffic. Crammed trains and planes. What we all need is just a smidge extra time, and I can get it for you. That is if YOU USE MY BLOODY COUGH TRICK.

What you need…

Red Sharpie Pen

Brown Napkin

Important meeting

What you need to do…

STEP 1: Use the Sharpie to color an intense red blotch on a brown napkin.

STEP 2: During an important early morning, Wednesday meeting, cough at random times.

STEP 3: Start coughing into your red-stained napkin.

STEP 4: After a rather harsh cough display the red stained napkin.

FYI…You probably need to work on a better shocked face than mine. 

THE RESULT: Your worried boss will signal you to leave immediately. Grab your things, run out the door and POOF you’ve just begun THANKSGIVING BREAK EARLY.

You’re welcome!

MOMMY BLOGGERS! YOU COULD GET YOUR PERIOD THIS MONTH OR MAKE THIS COOL CRAFT.

Black Friday is in spitting distance. And yes, economists are predicting some decent deals. Though seriously, I’m not sure it’s going to get any better than these cute luxurious slippers (for the entire family) for just $3.99. Here's how...

Just click here to buy Super Kotex pads (only $3.99 @ Toys R Us. No joke)

Then grab these crafting supplies.

Glue

Glitter

Fun iconic shapes

Now follow these easy instructions (I found at HipHophater.com)

Step 1. Place a folded pad on top of an unfolded pad (use the included adhesive to keep them together).

Step 2. Now use the adhesive to stick the wings together.

Step 3. Attach an additional pad (for comfort) on the bottom.

Step 4. Add glue to the top folded wings.

Step 5. Decorate with glitter and fun shapes.

Step 6. Give slippers as gifts to friends, family, or sell on eBay. 

HOLIDAY HEMP-TASTIC EGGNOG.

by KC (NWM Staff Writer)

Cool, creamy with 2 times the kick. Certainly takes the edge off any festive family time.

 

HOLIDAY HEMP-TASTIC EGGNOG.

Ingredients (serves 6):

• 6 eggs
  
• 1/2-1 cup sugar 
  
• 2 cups Living Harvest Hempmilk (Tempt)
  
• 2 cups whipping cream or half-and-half
  
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  
• 1/4-1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg (also depending on your tastes and more can be added later if you want to)
  

 

Directions:

1. Use a saucepan large enough to hold 2 quarts.
   
2. In saucepan, beat together the eggs and sugar until smooth.
   
3. Stir in 2 cups of Living Harvest Hempmilk.
   
4. Cook over medium low heat, whisking (or stirring frequently) to prevent the bottom of the pan from being scorched.
   
5. Cook until mixture is thick enough to coat a metal spoon.
   
6. Remove from heat.
   
7. Slowly add the 2 cups whipping cream or half& half while whisking together until smooth.
   
8. Add vanilla, cinnamon and nutmeg and combine until incorporated.
   
9. At this point, you may taste test (carefully- it will still be very hot).
   
10. Add brandy, rum, whiskey or flavored liqueur (or all 4).
    
11. Serve and enjoy. 
    

CHEETO JESUS HOLIDAY PARTY TIP.

Cheeto Jesus knows the worst part of any formal New Year’s or Xmas party is searching for your coat at the end of the night. The fact that almost everyone is wearing some sort of similar black (dark colored) overcoat certainly doesn’t help the matter.

CHEETO JESUS SOLUTION: Set your jacket apart from the others simply by tying a bright colored ribbon to one of the buttons.

HAVE A QUICKEE LIKE JLO.

by KC (NWM Staff Writer)

Seeing as no one is safe from the gradually shrinking job market, every opportunity for face time with your corporate big wigs is always a plus. So whether you got that holiday lunch or party it’s probably not only a good thing that you brush up on your idle chit-chat, but also on how you present yourself. The one thing people tend to overlook are the teeth. Doesn’t matter what kind of power suit you’re sporting, it definitely doesn’t go with yellow chiclets. So uses what the stars use for a quick teeth whitening fix – Supersmile Quikee!

This is a no-brush,no-rinse polish. All you do before a big red carpet or corporate event is apply the polish to the tip of the tongue and spread it on your teeth! J.Lo and Marc are " obsessed with the Supersmile Quikee". The tube fits right in your purse or pocket and sells for only 16 bucks on Amazon.

ALL REAL SANTAS, ELVES AND WHORES APPLY NOW!!

by Eddie Winkle (NWM Staff Writer)

‘Tis the season for height challenged folks, guys with extra jolly (fat) and promiscuous hotties to make some extra cash. Courtesy of Craigslist.

REAL-BEARDED SANTA WANTED (St. Louis, MO area)

Our Entertainment company is currently searching for REAL-BEARDED SANTAS for positions in the St. Louis, MO area.

Santa's wanted (Bronx, NY )

Looking for santas. must be pleasant and easy to work with. please call immediately.

Need an elf or Santa (Frankfort, Illinois)

I need an elf/santa for a last minute surpirse birthday party for an adult to hand out gifts. Pay negotiable. Need to have own costume.

Want to be my lil elf? - m4w - 30 (Mount Vernon, Virginia)

Looking for a small built woman (midgets are a plus) to dress up as an elf and let me stick my candy cane up your chimney. Send picture for consideration!

Sexy Santa's Helpers Wanted For Upscale Xmas Party (Pacific Beach, CA)

We need beautiful, lovely, and charming ladies to help us make this year's Christmas Party the best ever as part of San Diego's first major reality show!!! Only requirement: You must LOOK GOOD, and be conversational. In other words, you are GETTING PAID to party! Hostesses will be asked to wear festive green, sexy elf costumes that we will provide. (We will email you a picture of the outfit if you would like). The PB Angels will be wearing the red sexy santa outfits as seen at Frederick's or Victoria Secrets. We are still looking for that exceptional, alluring, exquisite, radiant, dazzling beauty to be a part of the PB Angel Team. This is your opportunity to impress Jim (a.k.a. the PB Millionaire) and the PB Angels and you could potentially become our 4th Angel!!! Send us a photo with a brief description about yourself to pbreality@gmail.com and tell us why you would make the best hostess. The pay is $100 Cash.

Santa seeks a sexy female elf to wrap his presents (metro area of dc)

Next week I will want a female that will do my holiday wrapping for me. Means you will wrap my christmas gifts while we share some drinks together. You will be asked to wear a sexy outfit to start then slip into something more revealing and you can even get totally naked if you feel like it. You can take a break if you want with a nice hot shower while i watch or a nice soaking bath . You should be very attractive and outgoing and open minded :) Forward a photo and tell me what evening next week would work for you, and we can set it up. I am open to any age, its your look and fun energy that are the key for me.

LAUREN CONRAD’S HOLIDAY TURN-ONS INCLUDE…

by KC (NWM Staff Writer)

TWITTERED TRUE LOVE: Santa.

COOL X-MAS TUNES: "Last Christmas" by Wham and "Santa Baby" by Taylor Swift.

HOLIDAY TRADITION: Snacking on all the holiday foods because they make me forget about the gym.

FAVE OF 'EM ALL: Chocolate holiday cookies

PERSONAL RECIPE: Just add melted butter, chocolate, egg, flour,baking powder and vanilla extract. Roll into dough balls for 12-15 minutes at 350 degrees. Makes up to 50 cookies.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO SPIKE THE PUNCH BOWL, MAKE IT COUNT.

by Biz-Boy (NWM Staff Writer)

The days of lavish Holiday parties have fallen with the economy. However, that doesn’t mean they’re dead and buried. I mean the financial firm I work for is still having one. Though like last year the bean counters now have a budget they actually have to stick to. Usually, all of our pre-Jesus B-day bashes are at some catered hall. Not decked out glitzy mind you, but stodgy all the same. To satisfy the seniors they have the obligatory shellfish/raw bar and a generous supply of finger sandwiches. Of course there’s the open bar that’s usually packed with my crowd. And yes what would a party be without a couple of ice sculptures (or four), and, the classic of all classic holiday staples – the punch bowl. Usually it’s filled with some God awful watered down, fruity, non-alcoholic, red, blah, in a fine crystal bowl. My coworkers and I have a standing bet that whoever has the nerve to spike the punch bowl gets 100 bucks ­– no questions asked. If that day comes (for me) rest assured I will make it count. So without further adieu, here are MY 2 BEST PICKS FOR SPIKING A PUNCH BOWL…and then some.

BACARDI 151 PROOF RUM ($22.99): This sweet ‘n’ spiced stuff usually hovers in 100 proof-range. This isn’t one of those bottles. FYI…Bacardi also makes it a point to tell you that this is one of their more super flammable spirits.

DEVIL SPRINGS 160 PROOF VODKA ($14.39): Any spirit name that starts with Devil will pretty much guarantee how your night will start and end. The perfect power to mellow any power crowd. The bottle warning for this one suggests you dilute the crap out of it before drinking.

Happy Holidays!

INAPPROPRIATELY APPROPRIATE SECRET SANTA GIFTS.

All these SS gifts are under 10 bucks from the company that defined inappropriateness, SPENCERS.

Plush Boobs ($9.99)

Peckeroni Pasta ($5.99 )

Mama Peckeroni - Traditional Style Pecker Pasta

From a small province overlooking the Mediterranean Sea, Mama Peckeroni prepares her special blend of Italian cuisine. Italian culture has long been known for its passion of cooking and romance. Mama Peckeroni has combined these two elements, to bring you this unique delicacy. She is praised in her homeland for being the Cupid of cooking.

Wind up Macho Man ($5.99)

Bling Brass Knuckle Key Chain ($5.99)

NYC WARNING: SANTACONers ARE OUT IN FULL FORCE.

by Eddie Winkle (NWM Staff Writer)

As you are reading this entry hundreds Santas are invading the streets of NYC today (Saturday, December 12th). It’s for sure not to snag a holiday gig at the mall. It’s SantaCon. A traditional, holiday bar crawl with a purpose – to collect food for the NYC food bank. Last year SantaCon managed to donate 1000 lbs of food. This year the goal is set at over a ton. The crawl starts at 10am sharp, and has 5 different starting points that covers all the boroughs. It’s sorta like the NYC marathon, only with beer.

REQUIREMENTS:

In order to participate in this bar crawl a teeny tiny Santa hat won’t cover it. You need to be full on Saint Nick. Hence why it will be Day of the Living Santa.

THE RULES (from the site):

In order NOT to be excluded from all the merriment SantaConers must abide by these rules (posted on nycsantacon.com)

1. Don't f-ck with kids.
2. Don't f-ck with cops.
3. Don't f-ck with security.
4. Don't f-ck with Santa.

The crawl lasts all day and into the night. My advice to parents with kids, refrain from putting little ones on Santa’s lap today. Please refer to exhibits A, B, C & D below for clarification.