I WANT TO COME BACK AS A MOMMY BLOGGER.

I think when I first learned about reincarnation (in some grade) I really pondered over the idea for quite a while. I assumed that as a human, you won’t get a chance to come back as one again. That’s like winning the lottery twice. In that case my “safe school” choice was a small, cute, purebred dog. Total zero pressure lifestyle. The only gross part would be wanting to eat a bug or my own vomit. Now, I’d be willing to sell my soul or do whatever it takes to be a MB. Why? Here are my 5 reasons.

 

NO ONE EVER TRASHES A MOMMY BLOG.
It’s like a being a nun, a kitten, an orphan, or Sanjaya. Who’s going to say something nasty about that group? You’d get an instant pass to hell. 

 

NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT TOPICS.
Kids do and say the darndest things, 24/7.

 

INSTANT CLUB FACTOR.
I attribute me (a guy) commenting on a mommy blog to accidentally walking into the women’s bathroom. First, I can’t get over how clean everything is as well as the pleasant smell. Then I worry about getting caught. Probably makes zero sense. 

 

HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR NUMBER OF FOLLOWERS?
Thanks to play-dates and school events, mommies can quickly amass quite a social circle. Meanwhile, for the last 5 years I've been going to the same green grocer once a week for milk – made zippo friends (except the creep that always asks me for a nickel while touching himself).

 

CUTE KID PICS.
No explanation needed.

 

That’s pretty much all I can think of at the moment. I’ve discussed it with my blogger BFF Ally (Tales of a 4th Grade Nothing) and she just thinks I’m weird. BTW…if you never had the privilege of checking a Mommy Blog  out, here are a few of my faves…Domestication of a Party Girl, Hissyfits & Halos, and Moms R The Best. Got any others? I’m all ears and dirty bibs.

WITHOUT A DOUBT MY MOTHER-IN-LAW IS WRONG 92.8% OF THE TIME.

by Nameless Dad (NWM Staff Writer)

Just hosted a nice long family get together over the weekend – specifically my wife’s parents. Oh joy! Honestly I do love ‘em both. It’s just that at times my mother-in-law can get a smidge overbearingly intrusive. And NOT that I’m keeping score (‘cause my wife would kill me), she’s like wrong 92.8% of the time. Here are 3 examples of her wise anti-advice from the weekend.

M-LAW: Don’t let your kids run outside in the cold! They have wet hair!! You’ll see, they’ll all get sick!!

FALSE: Wet hair in the cold air does NOT cause colds. The virus germ is the main culprit here. It’s WAY more prevalent in the winter months. Not to mention that the body is more susceptible to catching viruses in cold, dry air.

M-LAW: Phil and I swear off spicy foods. It causes ulcers!

FALSE: Spicy foods may cause ulcers to flare up or become irritated. However, there has been no medical documentation that says spicy foods do in fact cause ulcers.

M-LAW: You know why your youngest wears glasses? You don’t feed her enough carrots.

½ FALSE: True carrots are chock full of Beta-carotene, which the body converts into vitamin A and then uses to nourish the retina area. However, NO correlation has been established between the lack of carrots in your diet and needing glasses.

FYI…MY MOM THINKS I’M A WHORE FOR WEARING TOO MUCH BLUSH!

by Jani Ogglin (NWM Staff Writer)

The incident:

My mom drove 1 ½ hours out of her way to surprisingly take me out to lunch. Even a better treat, she didn’t call first – way too much merriment for one gal to handle. So about 5 minutes into our mother-daughter meal, she reveals the real reason for stopping by. GASP! There’s a reason for her visit? Hot topic for discussion – “You’re father and I are worried you’re not getting out and meeting people!”

Jewish Mother Translation – “when are you going to get married and give us grand children already?!”

Of course this followed, by me reverting back to the classic 16 yr. old, obstinate teen. After about 10 minutes of [professionally murmured] arguments she decided to GO there. Mom, jumps from the “you work way too hard to have a life" speech and without missing a beat, goes right into “how can you catch a man looking like that?” reasoning. More specifically, she focused on my makeup. And yes (as the waiters and water guys were my witnesses), she did say that the amount of blush I use makes me look whore-ish. Internally I was in tears. Externally, I simply smiled and bit into my breadstick, counting the minutes ‘til the visit was over.

A True Self Examination:

As much as we do our ceremonial back and fourth barking at each other, I do love and respect my mother (in controlled 5 minute phone doses). So that night I did look in the mirror, and did a bit of beauty surfing. I came to the conclusion (as much as it pained me) that mom might have a point in the blush department.

On beauty.about.com I did discover that I might be a bit whore-like in my application and the color I choose. Blush is essentially a way to bring out your natural skin color to almost a healthy glow. Add too much and it starts to do just the opposite. Also, the color you choose should be in the same color palette as your skin tone (when flushed). Nothing too contrasty or bright.

Here’s beauty.about.com step by step blush method:

Step 1. Choose a color (based on how it looks when your cheeks are flushed after exercising or being out in the cold).

Step 2. Choose the type of blush (powder, gel or liquid). Powder is better for oily skin.

Step. 3. Apply foundation.

Step 4. Use a professional size blush brush (Mac blush brush No. 116 good recco).

Step 5. Add blush to brush. Not too much. You’re not painting a barn.

Step 6. Look in the mirror and smile to properly apply to the apple of your cheeks.

Step 7. Finish the look with a translucent powder.

Step 8. Repeat every morning or before a Match or jdate.