I’VE MONKEY-TAILED MANY, MANY WOMEN – PLEASE FORGIVE ME JESUS.

I guess you can consider this my open letter apology to all my victims.

I was really young (must’ve been like 10) the first time it happened. I was at sleepaway camp. The girl (victim #1) was Gabby Fesner. She was beautiful. Long flowing brown hair. Piercing blue eyes. The whole nine yards. We had been dating for about 3 days (5 years in adult terms). At the time it felt so right, so natural to do what I did. I monkey-tailed her while we were walking to some musical pizza social. I remember her having an odd, confused look when I did it. She was worried her bunkmates would find out. P.S. we broke up the next day after ceramics.

Flash forward 6 years later to high school. My victim #8 was Roberta Cornelius. The MT occurred right after our 2month anniversary. We were on our way to math class. I remember asking God for strength. But of course after gazing into her eyes and sniffing her scent I succumbed to my dirty urges. I monkey-tailed her right then and there (near the freshman lockers). Her BFF (Michelle) saw us. She had this look of horror and grabbed my Roberta from me. Michelle made some crappy excuse like she hadn’t seen Roberta since gym class, but I knew the truth. Michelle was ashamed for her friend. Roberta and I broke up a week later. I’d love to blame Michelle, but I’d only be kidding myself. It was the monkey-tail.

SO WHAT IS MONKEY-TAILING YOU RAVING PSYCHO?

I hate to use this word (since there are negative connotations attached to it), but I can’t think of a more appropriate one. Monkey-tailing is probably the gayest form of PDA (public display of affection). It’s soooo gay that it should only be attempted by two people that are either …

a vomity cheesy couple

OR

high as kites

C’MON ALREADY, I HAVE OTHER BLOGS TO READ, WHAT THE %$%# IS MONKEY-TAILING?

Fine. I'll tell you. Monkey-tails is my playful term for interlocking pinkies. That’s right, yours truly has done the pinky thing unsuccessfully with many women. I think my last victim was on a jdate back in '98. Once I got the "pull away" from Shari Lipschitz I knew I had to change my pathetic ways for good. I've been clean for 10 years today. Praise Jesus.

See the below visual for the truly gayest form of PDA – MONKEY-TAILING.

BEST BLEU CHEESE BETS FOR WINGS!

Football is back. Which means once again I’ll be gorging myself into a food coma every Sunday. This season however, I promised myself that I wasn't going to wreck all that new found healthy-ness in my body – unless it was truly worth it. To me, Buffalo wings definitely fits this caloric qualification. Of course, that's ONLY if you have the right bleu cheese. Use a watered down bleu-ish dressing, and you'll totally kill the taste of even the best wings. Now if you’re at the bar, you’re at the kitchen’s mercy. If you're tailgating or doing the couch thing, you do have a couple of winning options. Here are my 3 personal picks.

#3 – Kraft Roka Bleu Cheese:

This is not their regular dressing brand. It’s a bit more heavy duty on the thickness – compared to Kraft’s regular stuff. The taste is good, and not overpowering. However, it still lacks the richness I crave. When you stick a wing in, it should literally be coated like paint. I also feel they could up the cheese chunk factor.

#2 – Wish-Bone Chunky Blue Cheese:

This one is still light on consistency. However, it totally makes up for it with the sheer amount of big bleu cheese chunks they cram in. It almost borders on too much. Almost. As far as taste goes, Wish-Bone is pretty much the sharpest of the bunch. Which might produce a bad after taste with the honey mustard or BBQ wing flavors.

And #1…

Marie’s Chunky Blue Cheese:

Put dressing in a jar and you got me sold. Marie’s just looks like your getting sauce for dipping, instead of dressing. As far as the coating factor, it totally exceeds all expectations. It’s creamy, rich with just the right Bleu cheese crumble ratio. They also score extra points for having 5 Blue Cheese varieties (Blue Cheese Vinaigrette, Blue Cheese with Bacon, Chunky Blue Cheese, Lite Chunky Blue Cheese and the Premium Super Blue Cheese.) For tailgate time, Marie's is a must in my playbook.

Learn even more about Marie’s than you care to...