Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I’VE MONKEY-TAILED MANY, MANY WOMEN – PLEASE FORGIVE ME JESUS.


I guess you can consider this my open letter apology to all my victims.

I was really young (must’ve been like 10) the first time it happened. I was at sleepaway camp. The girl (victim #1) was Gabby Fesner. She was beautiful. Long flowing brown hair. Piercing blue eyes. The whole nine yards. We had been dating for about 3 days (5 years in adult terms). At the time it felt so right, so natural to do what I did. I monkey-tailed her while we were walking to some musical pizza social. I remember her having an odd, confused look when I did it. She was worried her bunkmates would find out. P.S. we broke up the next day after ceramics.

Flash forward 6 years later to high school. My victim #8 was Roberta Cornelius. The MT occurred right after our 2month anniversary. We were on our way to math class. I remember asking God for strength. But of course after gazing into her eyes and sniffing her scent I succumbed to my dirty urges. I monkey-tailed her right then and there (near the freshman lockers). Her BFF (Michelle) saw us. She had this look of horror and grabbed my Roberta from me. Michelle made some crappy excuse like she hadn’t seen Roberta since gym class, but I knew the truth. Michelle was ashamed for her friend. Roberta and I broke up a week later. I’d love to blame Michelle, but I’d only be kidding myself. It was the monkey-tail.

SO WHAT IS MONKEY-TAILING YOU RAVING PSYCHO?
I hate to use this word (since there are negative connotations attached to it), but I can’t think of a more appropriate one. Monkey-tailing is probably the gayest form of PDA (public display of affection). It’s soooo gay that it should only be attempted by two people that are either …
a vomity cheesy couple
OR
high as kites

C’MON ALREADY, I HAVE OTHER BLOGS TO READ, WHAT THE %$%# IS MONKEY-TAILING?
Fine. I'll tell you. Monkey-tails is my playful term for interlocking pinkies. That’s right, yours truly has done the pinky thing unsuccessfully with many women. I think my last victim was on a jdate back in '98. Once I got the "pull away" from Shari Lipschitz I knew I had to change my pathetic ways for good. I've been clean for 10 years today. Praise Jesus.

See the below visual for the truly gayest form of PDA – MONKEY-TAILING.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

15 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha. I was envisioning it as a hook around the neck. I learned something new today!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I thought of something COMPLETELY different.....sigh...But I would monkeytail..Holding head down in shame..

    ReplyDelete
  3. Glad to hear you have broke the awful habit, stay strong!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I couldn't figure out what it was. Great term for an act that is so... erm. Congratulations on being 10 years clean.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yep... this whole time, I had no fucking CLUE what you were talking about! Though you just put your arm around her waist! And I'm thinking,

    'Did he cop a feel or what?'

    Learn something new everyday Creeper!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I thought it was going to be pulling her ponytail. Wow, I never heard of that before, I mean I've seen it, it's slightly cheesy, but never knew there was a term for it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. As I was reading your post, I kept thinking to my self..."Self, you're really out of it. First you don't know what Ian's "Cannahorra" is, and now you don't know what Copyboy's "Monkey Tailing" is." You have no idea how relieved I was to read that others had no clue, either. Whew.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I figured it was like pulling her skirt up or something (like when my dog is whipping his tail around and I'm wearing a skirt in the vicinity - holy awkward moment, batman!).

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wow, I think I need a cold shower after that one.

    but sure ended on a sweet note.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Seems a rather non-committed form of hand holding, for someone who wants you to know they are there, but not willing to take your whole hand, germs and all.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are right...the gayest form of affection, ya know...with your clothes on.

    http://www.apackalipsnow.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  12. It's obvious that you people have never spent the night in the monkey house...

    ReplyDelete
  13. I honestly thought it was going to involve flinging poo. Glad I'm wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You had me REALLY worried with this one. LoL

    ReplyDelete

 
Custom Search