NOT WORTH MENTIONING!

Friday, March 26, 2010

IF YOU NEED HELP DRAWING PANTIES, MIGHT I SUGGEST…

My artistic talents don’t get much better than smiling, sadistic stick figures (see previous post for reference). Though back in my early post-puberty days I sadly tried drawing figures with a bit more flesh. Without the internet, a vivid imagination and a box of Crayolas was all I had. Well that and the Sunday underwear newspaper circular. I’d have gladly traded that, plus my entire Sears, JC Penny, and Maidenform catalog collection for How to Draw Manga Costume Encyclopedia, Vol. 2: Intimate Apparel.

The second book from the successful HTDM series. Produced by publisher Graphic-sha. The book features more than 4,000 detailed, reference drawings of sexy, half naked Manga girls. You also get pro-tips on how to draw flimsy bikinis, titillating bras and sheer panties with the utmost accuracy. And as a special bonus there’s even a section about the history of intimate apparel.

How to Draw Manga Costume Encyclopedia, Vol. 2: Intimate Apparel is available on Amazon for only $29.95. A small price to pay for endless hours of self-sexual gratification with a pencil...instead of a sock.

IN A FEW SHORT WEEKS YOU'LL BE DRAWING THESE MANGA BEAUTIES!!!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

HARMLESS APRIL FOOLS’ DAY PRANK: BLOOD MONEY

BOOYAH! We’re down to a week before the big joke day. As I said before, this year I swore not to wait ‘til the last minute. So 24/7 I've been meticulously putting together some cool, full proof, prank plans that are above all – good-natured-ish. A couple of days ago I let you in on prank #1. Here’s #2…

BLOOD MONEY

What you need:

$58 in dollar bills
Dark red paint or tube of fake blood
Old paper bag
Two friends
Your apartment or house
Spending money for a night of drinking
Access to a park

Step 1. Add specks of blood red paint to select dollar bills.

Step 2. Place all money in crumpled, brown paper bag.

Step 3. Position crumbled bag in secluded area of the park. Have your buddies staked out in the bushes to make sure no one takes the money.

Step 4. Take your friend out for happy hour and get him nice and drunk.

Step 5. Walk home through the park so you pass by the bag. Try to let your friend find it first. Since it will be dark out, hopefully he won’t see the blood on some of the dollar bills.

Step 6. Once back at your place, let your friend go through the bag and discover the bloody money. At that moment say you are going to call for a pizza to be delivered.

Step 7. After 10 minutes have your buddies bang on the door and scream, “WE WANT OUR MONEY!” Tell your friend you must’ve accidentally buzzed them in ‘cause you thought it was the pizza guy. Let your friend freak out for at least 4 minutes.

Step 8. Have your friends suddenly be quiet. Then as you check the hallway have them burst in the room and yell, “APRIL FOOLS!” Your pranked buddy will probably be in shock for like a minute or two. After his breathing returns to normal he should be healthy enough to laugh about it with you guys.

A DOUCHEY DID YOU KNOW.

“Douchebag” was first uttered on national TV on May 24th, 1980. It was in a SNL skit appropriately titled LORD DOUCHEBAG. For those keeping score at home, at approximately 2 minutes and change into the skit the historic line, “Lord and Lady Douchebag!” was said by the butler (Garrett Morris). See skit below.

FINALLY, THE PERFECT COWBOY HATS TO GO WITH ASSLESS CHAPS.

I know I’ve been waiting this one out. I guess it’s one of my internet viewing pet peeves! I tend to cringe every time I see a photo of a cowboy in assless chaps. For me it’s 3 obvious reasons.

Hat style never goes with the chaps.
Color of hat doesn't play well with the chaps
Hat Material tends to make chaps look cheap.

Personally If I was behind the camera, I would’ve suggested these 3 dashing numbers.

Resistol George Strait Cowboy Hat

From George’s personal cowboy hat collection
Quality Panama straw construction
Classic Cattleman crease
Unique buckle band with silver-tone accents
Vinylcote treatment for easy cleaning and stain resistance
Assless chaps color suggestions: Off white and Mauve.
Only $44.95 (@ Sierratradingpost.com)

Sterling leather Stetson Hats

From the New Frontier collection
Styled for every occasion
Durable design
Assless chaps color suggestions: Acorn or Teddy bear brown.
Only $209 (@ Sterlingleather.com)

Bailey Stampede Black Felt Cowboy Hat

Features black ribbon band
100% Wool
Includes decorative silver spur
Assless chaps color suggestions: Vanilla sky and Robin’s egg blue.
Only $47.99 (@ pfiwestern.com)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

HEY MOMMY BLOGGERS! YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT THOSE LOVABLE STARS ON YOUR KID’S FAVORITE DVDs ARE RAKING IN.

Here’s another factoid about my life. I chose a career path that makes practically NO money. Rhymes with SHMADVERTISING. Yay me!!! To celebrate this mistake, most of my coworkers (including myself) take turns at lunch complaining about our lot in life. The consensus with the group is we all wish we had gone the medical, law or finance route. Though nowadays you got the economy in the crapper and the government running healthcare. Even Hollywood is tightening its belt. I’ll tell ya the only recession proof profession that seems to STILL be pulling in gobs of cash is in toddler entertainment. You want proof? Just visit my sister's house. My niece and nephew have like a zillion more DVDs than me (and their skulls aren’t even fully hardened yet). Times that by billions of other families globally and you get the idea. But hey, don’t take my bitter words for it, here’s what Wiki and google have to say…

THE WIGGLES: In 2009 the Wiggles drove their big red car right to the bank with around $40 million in the trunk.

BOB THE BUILDER: Keith Chapman’s kid contractor creation has so far made $1.4 billion in retail sales.

SPONGEBOB: Oh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea and made 2 billion in merchandising last year alone?!! SpongeBob SquarePants!

HANNAH MONTANA: Miley Cyrus is reportedly making a cool $18.2 million a year. Ugh! Gets me right in my achy breaky heart!

DIME BAG OF THE DAY.

Also conveniently holds quarters, pennies and nickels. This Lucky Beggar Purse is designed to look like those cups the quaint, quirky homeless people use to beg for change in the NYC subways. It’s a real hoot when they cough on you as well. The Lucky Beggar Purse is only $35 at the MoMA store. Click here to order.

FYI...Proceeds from each purchase go to HELP USA. Guess they wouldn’t like my above snarky comment.

I AM A WHITE BOY WHO’S NOT FUNKY, BUT THAT’S OK.

In my life there’s always room for improvement. Yes, even at the ripe old age of 39.25. So I make this promise to you all. 2010 will finally be my year. I will hit the dance floor with mucho gusto. And no wedding, holiday party and Bar Mitzvah will ever be subjected to the only sad dance in my repertoire –a cross between the Electric Slide and a dying calf. Why? In 3 to 5 days I will be sharpening up my “busta move” skills with these 3 dance DVDs I ordered.

FYI...shipping was free. Mint!!!!