A GUY WALKS INTO AN IRISH BAR AND EATS THAT!!!!

Black Pudding. The cornerstone of any nutritious, Irish breakfast. So what is it? If you guessed sausage I’d say you’re right if you’re about to eat it. Then after you downed a piece I’d tell you what it really is. Ready? Congealed cattle or pig blood. It was first introduced in 1868. And FYI…BP goes great with baked beans, square sausage, mushrooms, and fried bread. Beer is optional.

I’M 39 YEARS OLD AND I’M NO LONGER SCARED OF URINALS.

Unfortunately, I come from a long line of "irritable bowel syndrome" sufferers. Not sure how Jebediah Cohen took care of business back in the 1800s.  I just know my dad takes the wonder drug Flomax®.  Me personally, I have chalked my problem up to extreme stage fright as a result of alcohol consumption. If I get 4 or more brews in me (and I’m stuck in a crowded guy’s bar bathroom) I guarantee not one yellow drop will come out. Well that used to be the case. Now that I know the 3 secrets to unblocking my mental block, public peeing is a piece of cake. And as my gift to the blogosphere I’m dispensing my wisdom free of charge. If I can help just one scared peeing peep out there, it'll be worth it.

PLEASE NOTE: The following techniques are used to purely take your mind off the current task at hand. Try before you judge me.

#1 – READ YOUR ASS OFF: Anything that’s available on, above, or around the urinal. It could be the sports page the bar posts in the bathroom. The toilet company’s legalese stuck on the urinal.  Anything with words.

#2 – SING A CHEESY SONG TO YOURSELF: 80s ones are the best since they have lyrics. Not like the crap you kids listen to today [sorry, uncalled for]. Anyhow, make sure it’s a song you’re not so familiar with so you have to concentrate real hard to remember the words.

WARNING: THE LAST ONE IS QUITE DISTURBING

#3 – IMAGINE YOURSELF NAILING A MYTHICAL CREATURE: It could be a mermaid, unicorn, a centaur – whatever. Why a mythical creature? If you imagine a woman it might cause a rush of blood to come in and cock-block your urine (making it hard to piss). Meanwhile a magical creature will excite you yes, but also make you wonder where you would stick your “you know”. Usually when I imagine I’m climaxing is when the yellow stream is a go. Again, please don’t judge...it does work.  

I’M GOING TO GO ON RECORD AND SAY YOU MIGHT LOOK LIKE A DOUCHE.

It really is a tough call. On the one hand it is a breathtaking, fitted official BMW cap (only $14 @ Amazon). On the other hand you are sorta being a turd for rubbing your opulence in your buddies’ faces. I guess it also depends where you’re sporting your Beemer lid. If it’s on a “Protestants only” golf course you should be safe. If you’re attending a multi-ethnic block party you’ll probably get your ass kicked. Just my personal opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

4 WEIRD WEBCAM SITES YOU CAN VISIT NOW. GO! DON’T EVEN READ MY POST.

To me, a webcam centric site fall into one of the two Ls – Lame or Lust. I have many friends (not myself mind you) who have frequented porn sites that feature a webcam. They (meaning my friends, not me) say it’s a great way not just to see a porn vixen pose, but get to know her as a human being. Understand her hopes and dreams, and what she might do with a donkey for 6,000 pesos.

On the flip side there are the lame sites. Webcam destinations with the best of intentions, but turn out to be yawn fests where cool stuff rarely ever happens (i.e. bar, city walkway, and vacation destination cams). This was my opinion for a number of years. Then last night while sitting in my boxers and tshirt in front of my laptop (not surfing porn mind you), I tried to see if my theory still held water. Surprisingly it had sprung a leak. Happily I found 4 web cam sites that will mystify and delight or still bore you (it was late at night when I found 'em).

COOLERCAM.COM: A cam posted in front of the water cooler at a computer firm. They claim the best times to catch all the action are Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. MST (-7 hours GMT).

CHEDDARVISION: Watch cheddar cheese go through the magical maturing process at a UK facility in Somerset. Anytime is a great time. 

STEVESANTFARM.COM: It’s an ant farm all right, and it’s owned by Steve. What more do you need to know?

UFO WEBCAM: This one holds promise if you put in the time. It’s a cam placed on a stretch of highway in Wales (UK), that has been home to numerous UFO sightings.

EASY SOLVE FOR GETTING BITS OF DEAD HOOKER OUT OF YOUR JEANS

It could happen. Not sure how. Bachelor party gone awry? Caught cheating during a high stakes Texas Hold ‘em hand in a deserted warehouse? Boredom? Whatever the reason I apologize that I can’t help you with the body. All I can offer you is a sensible way to clean your jeans.

Step 1. Remove all big hooker bits with a damp napkin or moist sponge.

Step 2. Pour Hydrogen Peroxide on the bloody stain (bottle costs $5 at local pharmacy).

Step 3. Scrub stain ‘til Peroxide starts to foam.

Step 4. Rinse off jeans in cold water.

Step 5. Toss in washing machine and wash jeans on the cold water cycle.

DEM SUMMER REDNECK GAMES BE HERE SOONER THAN YA THINK

It’ll be here 3 halfmoons after the white-breasted coyote’s testies are completely drenched in morning dew sweat. That’s July 10^th for all you city folk that don’t know your redneck folklore. As far as the “where” goes, the Summer Redneck Games have been and always will be in Dublin, Georgia (click here for exact directions).

Now if you’re expecting just a small gaggle of inbred mountain hicks slobbering over one jug of moonshine you’d be sadly mistaken. This yearly event draws in the likes of 5 to 8 thousand. And 100% of the proceeds go to local charities. Your cost to experience this redneck-a-polooza, a measly 5 bucks. Though if you want a plate of Ed's famous Finger Lickers that’ll cost ya extra.

2010 REDNECK GAMES SCHEDULE:

12 – 12:30 pm Welcome to the games, Lighting of the Ceremonial Torch

12:30 -1:00 Strokin Dixie Band

1:00 – 1:30 Redneck Horseshoes

1:30 – 2:00 Strokin Dixie Band

2:00 – 2:30 Bobbin’ for Pigs Feet

2:30 – 3:00 Ronnie Mullis

3:00 – 3:30 Mudpit Belly Flop

3:30 – 4:00 Drop the Veil Band

4:00 – 4:30 Watermelon Seed Spitting Contest

4:30 – 5:00 Big Don Band

5:00 – 6:00 Armpit Seranade

6:00 -7:00 Josh Daniel Band

7:00 – 8:00 Joe Olds Band

8:00 – 9:30 Bobby Compton Band

FYI…you can bring in a cooler of booze as long as you have NO glass bottles.

PHOTOS FROM GAMES PAST

ECONOMY TAKEN ITS TOLL ON 2010 GAY PRIDE WIGS

NYC hosted the annual Gay Pride Parade today. Thousands came out to join in the festivities and to support gay issues like same sex marriage and the appeal of the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” military policy. One could say those are the two biggest matzo balls the gay community faces. Personally, I think you can add lack of flamboyance to the list. From what I saw there were all the colorful costumes, but none of the real expensive wigs from years past. Here are two notable hair-larious headdresses that sadly did not make an appearance.

The Princess Peacock ($160 @ ebay)

Made with real black and red feathers

100% flexible for easy transportation

Handmade

Pageant Pride ($210 @ ebay)

Hot pink color scheme

Fits all sizes

Special wire construction for easy mobility 

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE SPORK

IF I WAS A RECORD ALBUM I’D BE CHEESY

Side A:

Making Love On A Bear Rug In D Major

Woman! Come To Me And Pat My Tushy

Daddy Wants Peace In The Middle East Bad

Shirtless In K-Mart Pt. 1

Kittens & Rainbows Make Me Warm In The Groin

Side B:

I Can Spoon All Night

Shirtless In K-Mart Pt. 2

Not Worth Mentioning

L.F.A.F. (Looking For A Fox)

Let’s Be Naughty On A Rainy Sunday

VAMPIRE CROSS PRANK IS A SUREFIRE WAY TO GET IMPRESSIONABLE TWEENS TO PISS THEIR PANTS.

Saw a bunch of tweens in the mall yesterday and I thought they were annoying. Why? They were really loud and obnoxious. Running fast all over the place with no rhyme or reason. Maybe it’s the bitter old, little man in me, but I’d love to see all those kids crap their pants from fear. And now thanks to the popularity of Twilight and other Vampire series it’s easy. All you need are the following.

Sterling Silver Cross Pendant ($49.99@ Amazon)

                                                    

Tube of Instant Mystic Smoke (90¢ @ Amazon)

HERE’S HOW YOU DO IT…

Step 1. Rub cross with Mystic Smoke goo.

Step 2. Walk up to annoying group of tweens.

Step 3. Grab cross with your hand.

Step 4. Smoke will start to rise from the cross and your hand.

Step 5. Pretend to wince in pain.

Step 6. Watch kids scream in fear and run away.

Step 7. Enjoy memory for years to come.

HOLY CRAP, I WEAR OLD PEOPLE SOCKS!!!

When did that happen? Ok, I’m 39. And I admit I was never on the fringe of fashion. But wow, I'm officially out of touch. I was alerted to my “lame” status by the younger hip coworkers. Apparently all the cool kids are not only popping Xanax® pills, and doing eyeball shots [future post], they are also wearing ONLY ankle socks. Available for $8.64 (for 6-pairs) at Amazon.com. Personally, I like the big athletic crew socks. You really get a lot of sock for your money (see above the visual). Of course I am always open to suggestions. But not without first conducting an impromptu survey while walking to work this morning. Here are the results…

• Young muscle-head – short socks
• Old man (70ish) – long socks
• Bike messenger – short socks
• Shirtless street musician – short socks
• Mentally unstable individual – long socks

I lost. [Big surprise] So I guess I’ll be buying one of these jobbies next week. I'll let you know how they work out. 

8 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT SATANISM

1- Contrary to popular belief, Satanists are against ritualistic animal or human sacrifice.

2- The Church of Satan (the most popular devil worshipping organization) was founded in 1966 by Anton Szandor LaVey.

3- Anton even wrote the Satanic Bible in 1969.

4- The Church of Satan headquarters is located in New York.

5- The official logo of devil worshipers is the pentagram aka Sigil of Baphomet.

6- The goat face in the center of the pentagram is based on Ancient Egypt beliefs that the animal symbolizes lust.

7- Enid Strict is the name of Church Lady (the ultimate avenger against Satanism) played by Dana Carvey.

8- The British Royal Navy is legally not allowed to discriminate against Satanists that want to enlist.

SWEET JESUS CANDY!

Looking for a wholesome treat? Well if the Lord Savior Jesus Christ is welcome in your home so will WALKING WITH JESUS gummy candy. Each Gummy Jesus footprint is only 87 calories and has zero fat. And right now on Amazon you can buy the WALKING WITH JESUS value-size carton (which contains 25 mini-snack packs) for only $6.99. Good for car trips, religious retreat weekends, Sunday school, and church carnivals. And great for every member of the family, except if you have a 3 yr. old. Apparently these candies are choking hazards for young kids. God bless. Click here to order.

LADIES! EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND’S STRIP CLUB LAP DANCE BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK.

Got in trouble for my last post on “boob staring” with the guy tribunal. Wound up getting my dude-card suspended, but thankfully not revoked. Close call. And now here I am ignoring my warnings and giving you ladies the inside guy-scoop once again. The following transcript is from an actual lapdance. My lapdance. But before we continue let’s just get the, “UGH! YOU ARE SUCH A PIG FOR GOING TO A STRIP CLUB AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THOSE POOR YOUNG  GIRLS!” tirade out of your systems. We done? Good. Let’s continue.

Setting: NAMELESS STRIP CLUB

Reason: Bachelor Party

Time: 11:42 PM

Cast of Characters:

- Me

- Lap dancer

- Drunk friends

I am now 4 beers and 2 shots into the night. FYI…the serious drinking occurred at the previous bar. [Strip clubs tend to overprice their beers.] The music is super loud. Lap dancers are circling the crowd looking for men to dance with. One spots me and heads over.

[I’m sitting at a table with my friends]

Lap Dancer: Hi.

Me: (nervous) Hey.

Lap Dancer: So can I interest you in a lap dance?

Me: (nervous) Um I’m not really sure. I just got here and…

Drunk Friend: NO!! Don’t listen to him!! He wants one. Go dude! Don't be a p*ssy!

Lap Dancer: Don’t be shy. C’mon. [pulls my hand playfully] 

Me: I mean, we just got here and I feel bad leaving the groom-to-be.

Drunk Friend: Dude! Like I could give two sh*ts! GO! GO! She's hot.

Lap Dancer: Oh you're here for a bachelor party? Well I don't think your groom friend would mind if I borrow you for a bit [winks at my friends]. Follow me.

Me: Ok.

Lap dancer leads me to another secluded area of the bar. I sit down on a plush couch. The lap dancer (now topless) sits on my lap.

Lap Dancer: Now, it’s twenty a song. Ok?

Me: (mesmerized)  Yeah no problem.

Song begins. The lap dancer starts to gyrate on my lap. Our eyes meet. She moves in slyly for a kiss then quickly moves a way. My hands are somewhere between her backside and buttocks. She twirls and lets her hair fall over my head. She smiles seductively and thrusts her boobs in my face. I have a mouthful of cleavage. I barely notice the first song is finished and now a new one has started. Again she repeats her sensual moves. She whispers in my ear. Asking me if I find her attractive. Her hands wander near my personal area, but she is careful not to touch. The song ends. She slowly rises from my lap.

Lap Dancer: (in a slight business-like tone) Let’s see, that’s 2 songs. So you owe me $40.

I take 2 crumpled twenties and 1 ten (for a tip) out of my pocket and hand it to her.

Lap Dancer: Awww, thanks so much sugar. You’re so cute. Give my best to the groom.

END SCENE (Please don’t tell your hubbies I said anything)

HEY, WHAT HOUSEHOLD ITEM ARE THE REALLY DUMB, PRIVILEGED SCHOOL KIDS SNORTING THESE DAYS?

If you run to look in your medicine cabinet for cough medicine you’d be dead wrong. C’mon! That’s so 2005. The latest nose-candy is anything chock full of yummy  Aspartame. One of the main ingredients found in the faux sugar NutraSweet. And the most popular powdered treat on the list is Crystal Light™. 

12-14 yr. olds swear a good snort will get you a really, really cool high. The doctors insist that’s all in your head. However, they do say you'll be rewarded with headaches, mood swings, and grand mal seizures. Not sure who I should trust more.

HOW TO MURDER YOUR GOLDFISH THE RIGHT WAY.

Local fairs – A summer rite of passage. An army of freaks, barkers, and workers come in and take over some deserted field for a week. 

With it comes the stank of stale beer. Foods dipped in powdered sugar-coated cholesterol. Rickety rides that are lawsuits waiting to happen. And of course, the games of “skill” designed to lure adolescent boys with the hopes of winning a giant teddy for their date, but in reality get raped of their hard-earned allowance/lawn-mowing money. Oh, and lets not forget those games of chance. The most popular of which is the ol’ plastic duckies in the kiddie pool. Choose the right ducky and you win a prize.

What prize you ask? A delightful diseased goldfish for the kiddies. Most likely it won’t make it through the night. Though if your kid is one of the lucky ones he or she might be treated to a week with [insert fishy’s name] before it swims into the light. Now once fishy dies it’s no biggie. Simply drop it in the bowl. Flush. Wave bye-bye. Tell your little one it went to fishy heaven. Done. 


AND WHAT IF FISHY IS SICKY?
That kind of sucks for your kid to witness. Which of course will bring up a hornet’s nest of questions. Why is fishy swimming upside down? Why doesn’t fishy swim for the food? Is fishy dying? Can’t really help you in the answers department, but I can help you KILL THAT FISH in the most humane manner possible. From what I read flushing does not count as a proper way to euthanize fishy. Does swirling around in waste ‘n water to your doom sound like a great way to go to you?

THE RIGHT WAY TO KILL FISHY

It’s a lot easier than you think. Just follow these steps and your fishy will be able to painlessly pass on and meet its maker.

Step 1. Remove sick fishy from tank or bowl

Step 2. Place sick fishy in a cup of water.

Step 3. Add a half a bottle of Clove Oil (cost $3 online).

Step 4. Wait 24 hours for fishy to sleep with the um fishies.

Step 5. Make sure fishy is dead.

Step 6. Flush away fishy with a clear conscience.

HAPPY SUMMER!!!

I’LL GIVE YA HINT: IT’S DEAD AND IT’S ON CRAIGSLIST

Better act quick with this offer. I have a feeling it won’t be around for long. For ONLY $90 you can own your very own, ready for this? A GENUINE PUPPY SKULL (see below). It’s in pristine condition except for the cracked eye bone and a minor blemish near where the brain used to be. AND If you have some more coin to spare the owner is also willing to part with a pitbull skull for $80 and a large unknown dog skull for $60. Can't pass up those prices. Click here for contact info.

I’VE MONKEY-TAILED MANY, MANY WOMEN – PLEASE FORGIVE ME JESUS.

I guess you can consider this my open letter apology to all my victims.

I was really young (must’ve been like 10) the first time it happened. I was at sleepaway camp. The girl (victim #1) was Gabby Fesner. She was beautiful. Long flowing brown hair. Piercing blue eyes. The whole nine yards. We had been dating for about 3 days (5 years in adult terms). At the time it felt so right, so natural to do what I did. I monkey-tailed her while we were walking to some musical pizza social. I remember her having an odd, confused look when I did it. She was worried her bunkmates would find out. P.S. we broke up the next day after ceramics.

Flash forward 6 years later to high school. My victim #8 was Roberta Cornelius. The MT occurred right after our 2month anniversary. We were on our way to math class. I remember asking God for strength. But of course after gazing into her eyes and sniffing her scent I succumbed to my dirty urges. I monkey-tailed her right then and there (near the freshman lockers). Her BFF (Michelle) saw us. She had this look of horror and grabbed my Roberta from me. Michelle made some crappy excuse like she hadn’t seen Roberta since gym class, but I knew the truth. Michelle was ashamed for her friend. Roberta and I broke up a week later. I’d love to blame Michelle, but I’d only be kidding myself. It was the monkey-tail.

SO WHAT IS MONKEY-TAILING YOU RAVING PSYCHO?

I hate to use this word (since there are negative connotations attached to it), but I can’t think of a more appropriate one. Monkey-tailing is probably the gayest form of PDA (public display of affection). It’s soooo gay that it should only be attempted by two people that are either …

a vomity cheesy couple

OR

high as kites

C’MON ALREADY, I HAVE OTHER BLOGS TO READ, WHAT THE %$%# IS MONKEY-TAILING?

Fine. I'll tell you. Monkey-tails is my playful term for interlocking pinkies. That’s right, yours truly has done the pinky thing unsuccessfully with many women. I think my last victim was on a jdate back in '98. Once I got the "pull away" from Shari Lipschitz I knew I had to change my pathetic ways for good. I've been clean for 10 years today. Praise Jesus.

See the below visual for the truly gayest form of PDA – MONKEY-TAILING.

NEWSFLASH: MEGAN FOX IS ACTUALLY UGLY

That is if you buy into that whole “face symmetry” thing. The theory states that truly gorgeous people are proportionally equal on both sides of their face (see photo below for reference).

Ms. Fox comes up a wee bit uneven. I used one of those online free facial symmetry programs which informed that she is in fact 1.725 degrees off.  You can argue that fact all you want, but the numbers don’t lie. Megan is not good looking. Sorry for the cold hard truth Brian Austin Green. Guess I’m your only true friend for telling you like it is about your bride to be.