Friday, June 11, 2010


Ladies! Let’s get one thing straight here! I don’t care how nice he is, but EVERY GUY YOU KNOW HAS THE “CREEPY GUY” GENE. Sorry to be the one to break it to you. That’s just the way it is. ALL GUYS LOVE TO STARE AT WOMEN. The ones you think are the “sweet guys” are just more skilled than the rest of us, myself included. Here’s usually what happens when a hot girl walks by my friend and I.

Friend: Don’t look right this second.

Me: What?

Friend: (whispers) Shhh, you would not believe how hot this girl is.

Me: What?! Where?! Oh yeah!!!

Friend: I told you not to f*cking look right away. Man, you’re so f*cking obvious. You gonna eat those fries?

That’s usually how it goes. Now I could get my mancode card revoked, but what the hell – here are the rules the pros follow.

RULE #1: Know your B&B times.
Butt &Boobs (to you novices). If you’re walking towards a girl, you’ve got a 2.5 second window to stare at her boobs. If it’s the butt, you’ve got all the time in the world since you’re behind her. Just make sure she doesn’t have a friend.

Stare too long (over 2.5 seconds) and you alert the fairer sex. Here’s what you can expect.

FOLDING ARMS (not so bad)

THE JACKET PULLOVER (much, much worse)

RULE#2: Master the side-glance.
This is a tough technique I still have trouble with. You simply move your eyes, not your head (see below visual). Done right and the girl will never see one oggle. Done wrong, well, let's just say you’ll figure that out quick enough when you run into me on a hot summer’s day. My apologies ahead of time.

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  1. I'll be sure to pass this info on to those who need it!

  2. Did you have to post the picture of Pope Palpatine with this? He's got a creepy factor 9 going on.

  3. My rule 2§1 is "know the opacity factor of your sunglasses." You might think you are being slick, but sometimes the eyes are all to visible in the proper light conditions. Mirrored sunglasses, while excellent opacity-wise, are a dead give-away and should be avoided. If you've got mirrored sunglasses on, you might as well go for the shag rug van, gold chain, and jorts combo.

  4. LOVE IT!!!!!! ROFL!!!!!!

    So true!! I have YET to meet a man who hasn't at least taken a sideways glance at some hot babe. I SEE THESE THINGS!!!

  5. AS a creepy staring aficionado, I appreciate this entry.
    Thank you!

  6. I've certainly used both those 'Stop Looking' techniques before.

  7. i always do the arm crossover thing.

  8. At my age, if someone stares at me and doesn't make and eww face or turn to stone, I don't cover them up. I go shoulders back, girls out.

  9. Hi There.
    I'm looking for your Friday-Follow post.
    You should probably not link up unless your site is family friendly.
    Have a great day!

  10. I do the side glance thing and try to be cool and discreet, but somehow I'm always caught.

    Must be the loud grunting and drooling that gives me away I'm thinking.

  11. Why yes, I'm subjected to perverted Creepy ass guys ALL the damn time!

  12. it's SO funny you write about this.... i JUST wrote about something similar to this in my blog last night.... and you know, for the LONGEST time i thought my husband was just suuuuper sweet and respectful and all that jazz, but i'm pretty sure he looks... in fact, i know he does.... even if i don't see him do it.... i know he looks.... sometimes he'll make a remark about someone we saw earlier (and i'll have totally stared at the person, AND him, who didn't appear to be looking at that person), and later that night he'll make mention of it and i'll think, "how the hell did you see all of that when i didn't even see you look once...!!!???!!!" i'm pretty sure he's mastered the art....

    that's just too funny....

    you see, and then there's people like me... who doesn't find much physical attraction to people.... i have to know how they think, write, feel or communicate before the attraction can really begin.... does that really make any sense?? people will say, oh wow that guy's hot.... and i just can't see it.... or someone can look nice until they open their mouth.... and then i think about the history with my husband.... and how comfortable i am with him.... and EVERYTHING else behind US.... THAT is what i find the most attractive.... besides the fact that i think he's an absolute stud!

    sorry for the novel.
    enjoy your weekend!!!!

  13. What? I wasn't looking at anything!

  14. No worries you have not even scratched the surface pertaining to the Art Of Subtle Oggling...the mancode card is intact!

  15. I never GOT my card! Great post..


  16. I have to say, I have mastered not being caught. I was just at Hooters the other day and Nicole was none the wiser when I was scoping the place out.

  17. Hey, you should just move to Italy, where you wouldn't have to go through any of these shenanigans. In Italia if a man doesn't stare long and hard at a woman's B&B's, she thinks he's either legally blind or gay.


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