THIS HALLOWEEN I PROMISE TO BE THE BEST BLOG STALKER

I'm actually away for the horrific holiday this year. Which means I'm without my laptop. So I can read all of your blogs, but it is very hard to comment. However I will do the next best thing. I PROMISE TO STALK THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR BLOG.
I won't just read your post...no sir. While your blog is sleeping, I will take skin scrapings and saliva from it.







I'll follow your blog where it meets other blogs for lunch. And when it goes to the bathroom I'll obtain a fresh urine sample (don't ask me how).




Then later when your blog is taking a spin class at the gym I will sneak in the locker room and steal the brush from your blog's gym bag.




That's how committed I am to stalking your blog today on Halloween. Btw...your blog's blood type is O negative. You're welcome.

CALLING ALL ELDERLY BI-CURIOUS GENTLEMEN WITH F.U. MONEY

It's no secret that since my dieting I've become what you might refer to as a 39 yr. old beefcake. So for a million dollars, hell, 10 grand, I would let an old rich guy...
Video tape me nude, making love to any blow-up sheep doll of his choosing.









For an extra 20 grand I'd also let him smack my behind with a paddle...nothing more. I might be a 39 and a 1/2 yr. old beefcake, but I do have my standards.

FYI...I'd prefer cash, but I would accept a certified check or Visa.

GOOGLE AWKWARD SEARCH GAME: Halloween Edition

This week’s Google Awkward Search Game sponsor (without them knowing it) is HALLOWEEN24.COM – makers of the quality bloody heart.

Looking to scare those candy-grubbing kiddies? Add some fright to family game night? Have no fear, the bloody heart is here. It’s made of high-grade plastic and latex (same stuff they use on the actual space shuttle). And if you act now you can get this fake bloody heart for ONLY $8.48! That's $8.48! And if you use the code NOT WORTH MENTIONING you won’t get nothing extra (sorry).

Ok, back to the game. Just want to remind you of the rules: In the search area type in part of a statement or question. Then simply let Google finish it off. Here are some [insert corny Halloween adjective here] examples.

DIP AN ASIAN KID IN FLOUR AND I WILL CRAP MY PANTS

It’s time once again for my 2nd annual TOP 4 THINGS…actually no ...

Sure these gems are clichéd to death. Yet if I personally see any of ‘em up on the big screen, rest assured I’ll end up in the fetal position peeing my pants and crying like a little girl.

#1 – GHOST KID

Movies: A slew of Ju-ons and Grudges

Why I cry like a bitch? Seeing those dark, beady little eyes on that white pasty body…YEESH!!! Add a hissing cat to the mix and I’m done for the night.

#2 – THE OL’ CLOSING THE MEDICINE CABINET ROUTINE

Movies: American Werewolf in London, Shaun of the Dead, and a zillion others.

Why I cry like a bitch? The sudden surprise shock followed by an eerie expression on the freaky monster's face (see for yourself).

#3 –RUNNING IN THE SHADOWS

Movie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Why I cry like a bitch? It usually happens in the “calm before the blood ‘n guts storm” portion of the movie. The protagonist is also somewhat oblivious to it. So of course I’m mentally screaming, ”HEY MORON! TURN AROUND YOU’RE ABOUT TO…" [SLICE] Too late. :(

#4 – ANYTHING MADE OF WOOD, PLASTIC, OR CERAMIC

Movies: Poltergeist, Child’s Play, and Dead Silence

Why I cry like a bitch? You see the doll like a zillion times not moving (to build up the tension). Then BLAMO, the lightning crashes and the doll moves its head or blinks. Mommy!!!!

#5 – THE BAMBI-LIKE STARE RIGHT BEFORE THEY FALL TO PIECES

Movies: Resident Evil 2, Ghost Ship, Final Destination 2, etc.

Why I cry like a bitch? The scary part is not that they just got hacked to death. It’s the fact that they get cut up so fast the peeps don’t realize it. Then slowly they fall part. That sad expression right before the first slab falls freaks the $#@$ out of me.

#6- SILVER BALLS OF DEATH

Movies: Phantasm 2

Why I cry like a bitch? These little silver balls have all kinds of drills and hacksaws. Then they just fly around decapitating people and chopping off body parts for 90 minutes. Trust me, it's a lot scarier than it sounds.

WHO WANTS TO SEE AN HONEST-TO-GOD MALE BLOGGER TRY TO SNAG MAXI PADS AS A SPONSOR?

To me there’s just something about a fresh, new, hypoallergenic Always maxi pad that gets my juices flowing. 

It has limitless applications.

Totally helps with my tennis elbow.

Perfect as a DVD cozie cushion for my prized DVDs.

Bad-ass beer holder. 

Voila! A microwaveable sleeve for treats!

Chin guard for weekly Frolf game (golf frisbee).

Instant Yarmulkes (pronounced Yamaka). That’s the Jewish hat thingy.

Maxi pads are also good for women!!!!

6 THINGS I’M 72.8% SURE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT HAPPY ENDINGS

1 - The average Happy Ending fee/tip is $40.

2 - Happy Endings date all the way back to 10^th century AD. 

3- Happy Endings is also a documentary that follows the lives of women working in an Asian Massage parlor in Rhode Island.

4 - The patron is usually responsible for cleaning himself off with paper towels after the deed is done.

5 - An erotic massage is considered a Class A Misdemeanor in most states, and is punishable by up to 90 days in jail.

6 - HappyEndingz is a blog run by CJ (massage therapist) who reveals juicy erotic massage tales about the industry.

8.5 REASONS WHY LIFE IS LIKE NICKELBACK (for real, no joke)

1 – Life can be hard: Nickelback is a band with a hard-edged sound.

2– Life is full of heroes like President Obama and Captain Sully: Chad Kroeger (lead singer of Nickelback) recorded the tune “Hero” that rocketed to #3 on the US and Demark Billboard charts in 2002.

3– In life, everyone loves to root for the underdog: Nickelback is a Canadian band.

4– In life, blondes have more fun: Chad Kroeger is the blonde-haired front man for the group and is reportedly worth $20 million.

5 – Life is like a party: Nickelback will be headlining the Dubai rock festival in 2011.

6 – In life, people crave power: In 2007, The Seattle Times crowned Nickelback the king of power ballads.

7 – Life is a journey: Billboard ranked Nickelback as the #7 touring band of the 2000s.

8– Life is a bitch: You can buy a Nickelback dog tag on ebay for only $10.

8.5 – In life you never get a 2^nd chance to make a 1^st impression: In 1997 (in a dive bar outside of Ontario) Nickelback was the first band to…